


Continuing to Heal

by Jenna_the_Damaged



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexuality, Blood, F/M, Gay, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Pansexual Character, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:14:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 118,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27071041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenna_the_Damaged/pseuds/Jenna_the_Damaged
Summary: As someone who went through years of childhood trauma and then years of mental health treatment, I wanted to explore the process of Steven actually working through stuff and originally planned for it to end right before the final SU episode, but then I began to expand in things that were happening to where it's essentially an alternate reality and never gets to the situation of that last episode.Starting the morning after "I Am My Monster", Steven Universe goes to therapy, learns methods to cope, works through issues and learns new things about himself. Eventually includes relationship stuff, too (including explicit if I manage to figure out how to write that - which those chapters will be duly marked with warnings to make them easily skippable) Not for people who hate Connie or hate Stevencest
Relationships: Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe), Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Pink Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Pink Steven Universe/Steven Universe, Steven/Pink/Connie/ Human Steven, Stevencest
Comments: 79
Kudos: 145





	1. The Next Morning After 'I Am My Monster'

**Author's Note:**

> I mainly wrote, and am adding to, this for myself to enjoy. I decided to share it for the following reasons:
> 
> 1) in case anyone might be helped with some of the mental health info included  
> 2) if anyone might relate to the feelings of insufficiency and self hatred of the main character  
> 3) to attempt to share back for all the wonderful fanfics I have read and continue to read, in case they might like an additional thing to read that isn't what they wrote  
> 4) in case anyone might find any enjoyment from reading my probably terrible writing
> 
> Trigger Warning: mention of self harm at part below that starts with screaming into a pillow

Steven woke up in his bed. His father, Greg, was sitting nearby. Steven realized he must have passed out in exhaustion from crying into Lion after he reverted from being a monster.

“Hey, Stu-ball, are you feeling any better?”

Steven suppressed the reflexive “I'm fine” that he would normally reply and tried his best to be truthful, “I feel like a giant exposed nerve.” He rubbed his eyes and asked, “So, what do I do now?”

“Well, Connie called her mom and Dr Maheswaran is downstairs right now, getting updated on recent... events...”

Steven flopped back and pulled the covers over his head. “How about I just stay under my covers until I die of old age? That's a viable option, right?”

“You're only delaying the inevitable. Might as well just head downstairs and get on with whatever's next.”

Steven sighed and got out of bed, yawned and headed downstairs. There he found it to be a bit more crowded than usual.

All eyes immediately focused on him as he came down the stairs. Steven fought the urge to just run back upstairs and hide. Connie motioned to a spot on the couch beside her. “Sure thing, but first let me take a quick detour to the bathroom. And, everybody,” Steven turned to face everyone as he backed into the bathroom, “I'm guessing you're all still here to show support or something but maybe you could work out like a rotation or visitation schedule or something because I don't think the whole world needs to stop to all hang out at once. Oh! Lion?” Lion pushed into the bathroom past Steven, “I guess I'll have a bathroom lifeguard,” and Steven closed himself and Lion into the bathroom together.

After doing his business and washing his hands, Steven turned towards the bathroom door and paused. He could hear the vague noise outside the bathroom that comes from having a room full of a large number of people. He suddenly realized he'd sat on the floor and was hugging his legs to himself with one arm and petting Lion with the other.

Lion directed a targeted growl in the direction of the door before nuzzling Steven's face as Steven started trying to catch his breath.

Connie spoke from the other side of the bathroom door, “Steven... are you okay? Can I come in?”

“Yeah, come in,” Steven replied, continuing to try to calm himself.

Connie opened the door, “Oh, Steven,” Connie rushed over and knelt beside Steven, opposite Lion.

“I'm sorry. I just... I was about to go out the door and I just... I can't breathe...”

“I think you're having a panic attack,” Connie put her hand on Steven's shoulder, “You need to focus on slowing your breathing.” Greg, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl came to the bathroom doorway, saw what was going on and rushed in to join the gathering around Steven.

“I'm sorry, everyone, I'm...”

“It's okay, Stu-ball. You've had a lot to deal with. It's not surprising if it feels overwhelming at times.”

Steven tried to slow his breathing, but felt like he was suffocating. His heart was racing and he felt shaky. “Someone get my mom!” Connie directed towards the gems. Amethyst dashed to go grab Dr Maheswaran, who was just outside on the phone.

Still holding her phone, Dr Maheswaran entered after Amethyst and took in the scene. With both her hands holding one of Steven's hands, Connie shouted to her mother, “I think Steven's having a panic attack!”

Dr Maheswaran held her phone to her ear for a moment and said, “You're sure?” and then to Connie, she held out her phone, “Connie, take my phone.”

Connie brought the phone to her ear, keeping one hand still holding onto Steven, and after a confused greeting, she heard a male voice, “Connie, I'm a therapist friend of your mother's. I'm going to talk you through getting Steven through his panic attack.” Meanwhile, Steven continued to try and catch his breath while looking at Connie in confusion.

“Shouldn't you just talk directly to him?”

“It will work best coming from someone he knows and trusts. First of all, you want to be sure to speak to him in a low, calm and slow voice and to let him know that he is safe”

Keeping the phone to her ear, Connie focused on Steven and followed the instructions from the therapist. “Steven, you are safe here. You are surrounded by people who love you.” Everyone else, except Lion, moved a bit back from them to help give space for Connie to have the best chance to help Steven.

Steven squeezed Connie's hand in response. He didn't feel like he had any breath to spare to talk. He had his eyes pointing downward because he couldn't stand looking at his loved ones. He knew they were all trying to support him, but all he could think as he tried to catch his breath is that he was failing them. Yet another in a long list of failures. He couldn't even breathe right.

“Steven, I know it feels like you can't breathe but it is only a sensation. I know it feels uncomfortable, but there is no danger at all. You are safe. Instead of trying to catch your breath, instead try to see how slowly and deeply you can breathe in.” Continuing to follow what she was being told over the phone, Connie took the hand she was holding and pressed it to Steven's stomach. “Close your eyes and focus on breathing in as deeply as you can and try to make your stomach expand with your breath,” once she could feel Steven's stomach pushing their joined hands outward, she continued, “As soon as you can't get any more air in, try to hold it in for the count of 5 and then when you breath out, try to keep breathing out for as long as possible.” Connie talked him through another several deep breathes.

“Now, keeping your eyes closed, focus on the feeling of the floor you're sitting on. Feel how stable and still it feels. Know that you are safe.” Connie moved Steven's hand from over his stomach to over his still slightly racing heart. “Feel your heartbeat and focus on slowing it down.” With his eyes still closed, he tried to focus on his heartbeat and on his breathing, but tears escaped from the corners of his eyes. Connie set her Mom's phone down, and she just pulled Steven into a hug as his shoulders began to shake from sobs he hadn't even realized were imminent.

Dr Maheswaran picked up her phone and then she and the others exited the bathroom to leave Steven, Connie and Lion with some privacy. “I'm sorry,” came Steven's muffled voice.

“You don't have to be.”

“I know you've got to be sick of me crying...”

“Steven,” Connie hugged him harder, “Nobody expects you to get over years of trauma in a couple days."

\-----------

When Steven felt able to try to leave the bathroom, he was relieved to see far fewer people in the house. It was now just him, Lion, Connie, his dad, Connie's mom and the three gems who helped raise him. He sat down on the couch, one hand holding Connie's and the other placed over his stomach where his gem was located. Connie sat beside him on the couch and Lion sat on the floor beside him next to the couch. 

Dr Maheswaren was no longer on her cell phone at this point. "On the phone earlier was my colleague, a therapist named Dr. Hashman. He's agreed to meet Steven today for a preliminary visit. The appointment is his last one for the day because it'll give more time flexibility due to preliminary visits tending to last longer than an hour. It will not only let him get to know you better, but also let's him evaluate if he thinks he's the best person to help you or if he should refer you elsewhere. If he decides to see you regularly, future visits will likely be shorter."

"A therapist? What can he possibly do to help?"

"You'll find that therapy can actually help people work through a great variety of issues. In fact, I'd say it's something that might even interest you as a compatible career for your future."

Steven looked skeptical but remained quiet. Greg asked, "Where and when?"

"330PM, so, "she looked at her watch, "about 6 hours from now and I plan to drive Steven to his first appointment to make introductions. Future appointments he'll either drive himself or if someone plans to drive him, they can come with us today to see how to get there."

Steven was a little irritated that the decisions seemed to be all getting made without even consulting him. His dad chimed in, "I'll come, too, so that I can drive him for future appointments."

"What if I don't want to go?" Everyone turned to look at Steven who had crossed his arms and looked stubborn. "Nobody even asked me if I wanted to do that and it's already decided and scheduled? Isn't this going a little fast?"

It didn't help that Steven had a voice in his head they didn't know about that was 100% on board with him going to therapy. _*If anyone ever needed therapy it's you.*_

****Quiet. Don't distract me right now.****

"I'm only trying to help."

"We're all trying to help, but we don't have the skills to help you with these things. We've already proven that."

"Shouldn't I have at least been consulted before everything is already wrapped up and decided?"

"Steven," Dr. Maheswaren brought a chair to sit face to face with Steven, "Nothing is set in stone. This is just an evaluation and it's just as much for you to decide if you like him as it is him deciding who he thinks would be best to help you. The only reason I set it up without talking to you first is that Dr Hashman is someone I greatly respect and I wanted to make sure you had the chance to get in to see him before he was booked solid."

Steven didn't uncross his arms, "What if he decides I belong locked up in a cage somewhere?"

Sigh, "Firstly, we don't lock people up in cages. Secondly, I've given him a brief overview of some things like the gems, Homeworld, your ability to change your shape, etc, so he won't think you're delusional if you talk about those things."

"Even knowing those things are real, wouldn't that make him want to cage me up more? I turned into a monster. How can he trust I won't do that again? Or anything else bad that I've done? I probably belong in jail." Steven broke eye contact during the last couple sentences. 

_*Stop being so negative.*_

Steven almost snorted derisively at that, but thankfully didn't, as he didn't want to have to tell them about Pink.

****Stop being a nag.****

"Steven, Earth's judicial systems aren't really set up to handle things like that nor people like you and, even if they were, I think it would be taken into consideration the several times you've helped to save the world as well as the long list of people that would be willing to vouch for your good character."

Sigh. "Fine, I'll go but I'm not gonna promise anything beyond that."

\--------

"In the meantime, we should get some nutrition in you. You look... underfed. When was the last time you ate?"

Steven's forehead scrunched a bit as he tried to remember when that was, "Um..." he thought back to the fish he ate the night before his rematch with Jasper.

"Steven?"

"I'm not trying to avoid answering. Time's just kind of blurred together lately, so I'm trying to remember how many days it's been."

"DAYS!? Well that's sufficient right there for us to know you need to eat." Connie went to the fridge while her mother looked in the cabinets. They both agreed nothing in the house was suitable. 

"We could order pizza," Amethyst suggested. 

"That is not the best choice right now when eating after a several days fast. We also need to stock this place with healthy foods and ingredients because not eating properly just adds another hurdle for getting better."

"I've got protein shake mix in my room. Would that work until we can get to a store?"

"Generally, I'd prefer you to eat real food but that should work for now. Why is it in your room instead of the kitchen?"

Steven didn't want to sound like he was blaming anyone, so he replied, "Just so nobody accidentally eats it so I don't run out of it."

"He means me," Amethyst admitted. 

Dr Maheswaren looked at Amethyst, "I thought gems don't need to eat."

"We don't, but I enjoy it."

"Well, please refrain from eating the food we stock up today. We need nutritious things on hand so that Steven doesn't forget to eat again."

_*Heh. 'Forget' to eat.*_

Steven chose to ignore the peanut gallery. 

\--------

On the drive to the therapist, Dr Maheswaren and Greg chatted lightly. Steven remained silent... at least externally. 

_*So, are you going to tell this therapist about me?*_

****No.****

_*Not even going to try to justify your decision?*_

****I think there's enough problems on my plate without adding you to the list. Not to mention I'm not trying to cure myself of you.****

_*Aw, you're actually admitting you like having me around! Therapy hasn't even started yet and you've already made progress!*_

****It's just that I've gotten used to having you around. I mean, you've gotten harder to ignore recently, which is annoying, but I can always change my mind and try to get rid of you in the future if you get too annoying.****

_*Should I take that as a warning?*_

****Maybe.****

When they arrived, Dr Maheswaren introduced Steven and his dad to Dr Stuart Hashman and then she and Greg told Steven they'd be in the waiting room when he was ready to go home. 

Dr H closed the office door and as he walked to sit beside a desk, he gestured for Steven to sit in a well-work wing-back arm chair.

"Were you the one on the phone with Connie this morning?" To Dr H's affirmative response, Steven said, "thank you."

Dr H noted that Steven seemed to have his hands folded protectively over his abdomen, likely in an unconscious gesture of protection while feeling very vulnerable. He could see that Steven was nervous and seemed unable to decide where he wanted to look. Dr H's 1st priority was to try to get Steven to relax his guard at least a little. "Dr M told me something that I just really want to verify. Do you really have a large pink lion for a pet?"

The tiniest hint of a smile flickered briefly on Steven's face. Steven pulled out his phone, "I've got pictures, though he's more of a furry brother than a pet. He comes and goes as he pleases."

After showing Dr H a few candid shots of Lion, Steven sat back in the chair, still looking nervous, but much less so then when he first sat down. 

"So, what brought about your decision that you should talk to someone like me."

"Mainly the turning into a monster thing, plus everyone telling me I needed to."

"Are you not fond of talking?"

A self hating chuckle and, "I'm the poster boy for advocating for talking as a solution to almost everything. I'm always saying things like 'they just need to talk' or 'I can fix this if I can talk to them' or 'we don't need to fight, we just need to talk.'"

"But not in this instance."

"I'm a hypocrite. I even asked Spinel for advice on how she dealt with her negative thoughts. When she quoted me back advice I'd given her that had helped her, I yelled at her to not give me my own advice. As if my advice was good enough for her but not for me."

"What was the advice?"

"Just something stupid about knowing you can make a change and if you can change, you can aim to change for the better." Steven couldn't stop the eyeroll from how horribly cheesy it sounded to him now. Especially to tell it to a professional who probably knows exactly how dumb it is.

"And you don't think that can help you?"

"Of course not! I'm always changing and growing. Sure, but that doesn't erase all the messed up stuff that happened to me growing up, or my past failures and it doesn't stop me continuing to make more and bigger mistakes now."

"And is this the negative thoughts you were concerned about?"

Steven laughed. "No, it's more of vengeful thoughts towards various people that have tried to kill me." 

Dr. Hashman raised his eyebrows. "Priyanka didn't mention that. Can you elaborate?"

Steven gave a brief overview of the times Bismuth, Lapis Lazuli and Peridot tried to kill him in the past. He did not mention White Diamond, even though Pink wouldn't shut up about how he should. "Those aren't the the only ones and not the only times someone's tried to kill me, but enough to kinda give you the overall theme of most of them."

Dr. Hashman sat back in his chair, "That's a lot to digest, but it does help paint a clearer picture of some of the causes to your PTSD. I'd like to have a couple days to think about this and then see you again if you're interested."

"I guess I can visit again," Steven begrudgingly agreed. 

"And finally, before we end this session, I want to teach you a technique to help you to calm yourself should you have another panic attack or similar in the future."

A follow up appointment was scheduled and on the drive back Steven was just as quiet as he'd been on the way there, even though his father and Dr. Maheswaren initially tried to engage him in conversation. 

_*You could've told him about me.*_

****No.****

_*Or at least mention Wh-*_

****NO!****

_*If I had ears, they'd be ringing now.*_

****Then I guess it's a good thing you don't have ears.****

\----------

That night, he snuck out the sliding glass door to his balcony and then up the stairs. He didn't enter the greenhouse / galaxy warp, but instead leaned over the back railing and vomited. It fell to splash on the rocks behind the house. This was where he'd secretly vomit when he couldn't do so in the bathroom due to anyone still being in the living room that might hear him. 

_*Yep, that whole 'ignore the problem and it'll go away' method's really working great for you.*_

Steven wiped his mouth, "shut up. There's enough for them to worry about me without adding that."

_*Sure, why bother them with vomiting blood. I'm sure it'll resolve itself.*_

Steven took a glance down and said, "it's just a couple specks; it's mostly just dinner."

He walked back down the stairs and into his room. Slipping back into bed and laying there. ****Just for speculating, do you think the vomiting and nightmares are related? Like my stomach was just churned up from that?****

Restraining himself from a snarky response, to not discourage future willingness to talk about stuff with him, Pink gave it some thought. _*You've vomited other times where you hadn't just had a nightmare, so if they are connected, it's not the only reason for your stomach issues.*_

****It's so weird that my stomach is literally the closest thing to you and it was the first thing you couldn't heal.****

_*It seems proximity is not the most important factor.*_

****Yeah, but do you agree that it's weird?****

_*I suppose, but I'd rather focus on trying to figure out the path the tear is traveling, since that is the same path for healing loss. And I can't predict where it'll go next.*_

****Well, I know you've been thinking on it a lot and for awhile and if you can't predict it, I know I definitely wouldn't have a chance.****

_*That's why we need to talk to the gems about-*_

****We're a first of our kind hybrid, how would they have any clue?****

_*They've been around longer than I have memory of existing and your dad and Dr. Maheswaren have been living organisms longer than you've existed, so maybe if everyone worked together we could figure this out.*_

Sigh ****First, it's our dad, not just mine and secondly-**** Steven jumped up raced back to his outside puking spot as another wave of nausea hit. Then slid down to a seated position on the landing, "Ugh..."

_*That one had more blood in it.*_

"I know."

_*And don't think I didn't notice the dizziness before you sat down.*_

"I figured.." they sat there in quiet for a bit before Steven spoke again, "How about this? If we get to 50%, I agree that we'll tell them."

_*You know that's not very far off.*_

"Yeah, I know, so that couldn't be too much to ask."

_*You're only delaying the inevitable, but I'll agree to that.*_

"It's a deal," Steven stood up and went back to bed. 

\--------------------------------------

As requested, his friends and family were rotating out to be no more than 2 or 3 people with him at a time. Luckily every day wasn't as busy as this one because the morning was time with Peridot and Lapis Lazuli. Then lunch with Connie and Pearl. And in the evening, one on one time with Bismuth at her forge assisting her in making a surprise gift for Pearl. 

Steven met up with Peri and Lapis at little homeschool's greenhouse. "Well, I'm here." Steven tried to make himself sound energetic and eager. 

"Now, no using your powers on the plants!" Peridot warned with a pointed look toward the boarded up areas that hadn't yet been repaired from his mob of Steven-shaped plants that had run amok.

Steven held his hands up, "Don't worry, my powers and I are barely even on speaking terms right now. I'm just here as a standard issue human."

"Can I hug you?" Lapis asked and when Steven gave the ok, Lapis wrapped her arms around Steven and said, "Even if you somehow became fully human, you'd still always be more to us than 'standard issue.'"

"Aw, thanks, Lapis," Steven hugged her back. 

"Yes," stated Peridot, walking over to join the hug, "You will always be a superior specimen to us, Steven."

"Thanks, guys," Steven said with a smile on his face, but inside he was feeling something different. He felt like an undeserving loser who shouldn't be treated so kindly. "So, what's the plan?"

_*You deserve their love and kindness.*_

****No, I don't.****

"Well," Peridot was leading them over to a laptop set on a desk in the corner of the greenhouse, "I've taken control of the Camp Pining Hearts wiki and I was thinking we could use our two hours collaboratively to correct all the egregious errors riddling the site."

"Sounds like fun."

"Yes," Peridot nodded in agreement, "Correcting the mistakes will be the most efficient enjoyment of our time today."

\--------

Pearl had taken upon herself to master cooking to prove she could make things not only nutritionally balanced, to make sure Steven was getting all his necessary nutrients, but also that it would be both edible and palatable. Connie's presence was both a way to spend time with Steven, despite her studies, and also to be a second taste tester so that Connie could give any helpful critiques that Steven would be too overly polite to bring up himself. 

"How's the day going so far?" Connie asked as Steven sat on the stool beside her at the kitchen counter while Pearl put her final touches on the plates of food she would be presenting. 

"Well," Steven rubbed the back of his sore neck, "I just spent the last couple hours helping Peridot and Lapis hijack the Camp Pining Hearts wiki, so..."

Connie laughed, "Wow, hopefully you're not too worn out from that fast-paced adventure."

Steven joined in her laugh, "Actually, it was a bit scary. Those two get **intense** when it comes to that show."

"Voila!" Pearl said as she set plates in front of them with a flourish. It appeared to be mac'n'cheese with various additions to it. There seemed to be mushrooms, broccoli and spinach mixed in, if not other things as well. "I thought to start off, I'd go with a human 'comfort food', but make it more nutritionally robust, so I've added vegetables for nutrition and fiber. I made sure to get vegetables that are mentioned online as being especially good when paired with cheese. Dig in!"

Steven picked up a fork and hesitated, "I'll eat this, but I am trying to go from vegetarian to vegan..."

Pearl appeared to have been waiting for that very comment because she readily replied with, "I know, and that's why I used my very own special blend of dairy free cheeses. I personally tasted the type of cheese usually in the dish and I worked with the ratios of dairy free cheeses to mix together and get as close to the taste and texture as possible!"

Steven's eyes widened, "That sounds like so much work. Y-you didn't have to do that..." Steven felt guilty for Pearl wasting so much time on him.

"Nonsense, Steven. I enjoyed the challenge. It was even worth the um... unpleasant reality of what happens after something is eaten." Pearl gave a tiny shudder at the memory.

Steven relaxed slightly, "Still not a fan of that part, huh?"

"I'm so glad I'm not organic and I don't have to make that a regular part of my life, I'll admit, but it's an acceptable occasional cost to assuring flavor authenticity."

With a full mouth, Connie said, "Steven, get some of this in your mouth right now! It is amazing!"

"Connie, while I appreciate the enthusiasm, you know better than to talk with your mouth full."

Connie quickly swallowed and said, "Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am."

Steven took a bite while both Pearl and Connie stared at him eagerly. He slowly chewed and swallowed and said, "It's delicious."

Connie and Pearl both made happy sounds and started excitedly talking to each other about nutrients and flavor balance, but Steven wasn't listening. He continued to slowly and methodically eat.

_*What's wrong?*_

****All that work she put in for something I'll probably end up puking out in a little while.****

_*You could always tell her about your stomach, but I know you won't.*_

Steven didn't respond and dutifully ate everything on his plate. 

\----------

Arriving at the door to Bismuth's forge, Bismuth quickly ushered him in. "You didn't mention to Pearl you were coming here, did you?"

"She knows I was coming here, but she just thinks it's to help you prep for your next class."

"You lied to her?"

"No, she just assumed and I didn't correct her."

"Ok, good. I don't want to be the cause of you lying to anybody. "

"Everything's fine. Don't worry. So, what have you got in mind for Pearl's gift?"

"That's the problem. I'm not sure. I could make her an accessory to enhance her spear, but that doesn't seem romantic. I could make her elaborate armor, but she likely won't have much she could wear it to. Then I thought maybe a bracelet? I have these assorted metal strips and I thought they might look nice if I do something. I keep thinking of ways to make it look, but I don't know which might be something she'd like. Romance is one of your strengths, so guide me, please. I want her to feel like the most important person in the universe."

_*She's right. You are the king of romance.*_

"All right, Bismuth, I've got a few ideas..." and they worked later than expected, making Steven late to dinner, but they came up with a design he was sure Pearl would love. 

"There you are! I was just about to send Lion to fetch you. Where have you been?"

"Sorry, Pearl, Bismuth has so much cool stuff that we just lost track of time." Which was essentially what happened. They'd gone down a few different paths before settling on their current design.

"Well, I wish you'd called to tell me you'd be late. The food is cold."

"That's ok. I can eat it cold."

"No, I'll heat you up a plate. Just please, try to be on time in the future."

\----------

That night, Steven found himself back in the forge with Bismuth, but it was her old forge and she was so much taller than him. The heat was unbearable and Bismuth was trying to shatter him. Just like when it first happened, he had to run a sword through Bismuth to destabilize her form and then bubble her. He woke with a start.

_*You're awake now, Steven. You were just dreaming. You're safe.*_

Steven stared at the ceiling while he lay in bed. Blinking back tears, he whispered, "Thanks."

_*Do you want to talk?*_

"Not about the dream. It was just the standard Bismuth dream you already know by heart. Let's talk about something else to get my mind off of it, please."

_*Sure. Any particular topic in mind?*_

Steven thought for a minute. "I was thinking about maybe telling Connie about you, but I think she'd just tell everybody else."

_*That wouldn't be a bad thing.*_

"Disagree. So I was thinking maybe Peridot could keep a secret, and maybe she could do some scans or something to help us with the tear. What do you think?"

_*Well, you know I'm excited at the prospect of anyone being involved.*_

"But, if she determines it is a big deal or she might even gossip with Lapis, then it might get out to others. I need to think on this some more." Yawn. "Anyway, I'm thinking maybe Peri but not yet decided."

\----------

Steven picked up a pillow from his bed and screamed into it. He was so angry and he couldn't stand it. He wanted to punch something or someone! Anyone or anything. He just needed somehow to calm down as he paced his room, fists clenched, and was trying to hold himself back from destroying the entirety of it. He knew, for example, that if he were to pick up his tv and throw it through the sliding glass door that led to the balcony, he'd end up regretting it. There was a small part of his brain that knew that, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore the much louder part of himself that was screaming to do it. He wanted so badly to destroy everything in his room. He knew deep in his core that destroying everything would make him feel better. He knew this while he simultaneously knew from past experience that it wouldn't quell the anger and it would only fill him with later regrets. 

Pacing and pacing while clenching and unclenching his hands into fists. He could feel his blood pressure adding to the overall feeling, making him feel like his head might explode. And even as he tried to reason with himself that he was overreacting. He knew he was overreacting. He knew that sometimes he just couldn't handle any frustration, that any hiccup in whatever he was attempting to do caused him to just **need** to burn everything down. He knew he needed to calm down. He needed to stop being so angry, but he couldn't. He couldn't. If willpower alone could do it, he'd have managed it by now. 

In the past, he'd even sometimes beat his fists against his thighs because he **NEEDED** to punch and he knew it was wrong to punch anyone and wrong to destroy things and so he only had himself as an option to hit. But Pink's diminishing ability to heal him combined with it being summer and therefore making him unable to explain if he didn't wear shorts in the heat, had him holding off on that solution. He didn't want to be forced to explain the bruises, but he was getting to the point that it might be his only option. He just needed to punch and destroy or he was going to explode. 

And stars above, the non stop chatter from Pink wasn't helping. It hadn't helped the other times, he didn't know why Pink kept trying his hopeless task. Pink shifted to a new tactic.

_*Will you at least try the technique Dr. Hashman taught us?*_

****That's stupid. It's not going to help and it's for panic not rage.**** Getting closer to just saying 'fuck it' and letting loose. 

_*Then it won't hurt to try. And if it doesn't help, I'll fully support you creating a swath of destruction... please?*_

Steven couldn't even explain why he cared about Pink's opinion, and he'd never allow that thought into their shared consciousness, knowing how smug that dick could be when he was validated. ****Fuck! Fine! I'll try the stupid 'technique' and prove it's bullshit and then you can't bitch when I level everything!****

Steven sat on his bed and quietly spoke out loud. "Ok, five things I can see: my bed, the sliding glass doors, the stairs, the painting of me and Garnet and... my tv. Four things I can touch: my bed, the fabric of my shorts, the floor under my feet and..." Steven glanced around. He wasn't sure if they had to be within reach or not to count so, "...and my headboard. 3 things I can hear... the tv is on downstairs, my own voice... ggrrrr!" Steven flopped backwards on his bed. "Dammit. I've actually calmed down some. It's actually pissing me off that something so stupid is working and yet that still has me calmed down a lot."

****I can feel the smug 'I told you so' floating in our head without you even verbalizing it... #grumble#... you are such a dick.****

_*I didn't say anything.*_

****I know! The smugness is coming out so strongly, I can literally feel it. Ugh! You are so lucky I can't punch you. ****

Pink was truly pleased at the outcome. He hadn't known if it would work, but was glad to have another tool in his kit for helping Steven. 

\-----------

"How are you doing?" Connie asked Steven as she sat beside him on a bench on the beach. They were enjoying icecream cones and just people watching from a distance. 

"I'm fi-" Steven took a breath, "Sorry, still trying to break that habit." Steven had promised Connie to never lie to her again, even if for something as small as saying he was fine if he wasn't. "I've got this paranoid feeling like there's too many people around. It's not as intense as when I had the panic attack, but it is like a couple levels below it. Like the fear they'll all start looking at me or congregating around me."

"Do you want to go back to the house?"

"No. I need to learn to stop being like this." Steven ran his non cone holding hand through his hair in frustration. "You've known me awhile and you know I've always LOVED attention. I'm my father's son; performing is in my blood. I get a high from the attention and showing off and ugh! It's so frustrating!"

Connie put a hand on Steven's shoulder in support. 

"It's just like, I **know** that's my identity. I **know** that's who I am but lately, this fear that bubbles up even at the **idea** of too many people noticing me. I hate this so much! It's like I've lost my identity." Steven looked at Connie with pleading eyes, "Who am I now?"

Connie reached out with her free hand to cup Steven's cheek. He closed his eyes and put his hand over top hers. "Steven, I'm sure you'll be that person again. It's just taking a break while you heal." Steven opened his eyes again to look at her. "It's like if you got a bad burn on your arm. You wouldn't be done with baking, but until the burn heals, you wouldn't be taking things out of the oven. The heat of that normal thing would hurt the healing burn just like maybe the attention right now hurts some part of you that's still healing."

As always when he looked at Connie, his eyes radiated love and trust and awe, "It's so amazing how you can take something I've been stressing about and make it not the end of the world."

"Well, it's listed in the girlfriend's handbook of things to help the one you love. I take my job as the girlfriend of Steven Universe very seriously." She held a serious look on her face for a few moments before pulling him into a cold, strawberry kiss.

\----------

Later that evening, as Steven lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling, he thought again about what Connie had said.

****Do you agree with her? Do you think I just need to avoid attention for awhile?****

_*I don't know. On one hand, her example was very good but then there's the concept of fear avoidance. If you have a fear of flying, for example, and so you avoid taking an airplane, couldn't that fear grow and grow until you find yourself even scared to see an airplane. Maybe you can ask Dr Hashman when we see him tomorrow?*_

****Maybe.****

\---------

At Dr Hashman's office, with Greg out in the waiting room and Steven once again in the wingback chair. Dr Hashman started talking first. "So, after thinking about your situation, I believe my experience in treating patients with PTSD means I have a good chance of helping you. I've put together a preliminary outline of things I'd like us to focus on but I want to incorporate your goals, both short and long term, to make sure everything is addressed as needed. So, if you agree to seeing me twice a week for a time with the goal of eventually spacing out appointments to once a week with the long term aim of getting to where there'd be regularly scheduled check ins with the only appointments between being on an 'as needed' basis. What do you think?"

"Well, first, though it irritates me to admit this, the calming technique you taught me last time actually helped me."

"I'm glad I was able to help. Can you tell me more about it?"

"I didn't use it for panic, though, so I don't know if that matters." Dr Hashman didn't say anything, so Steven continued. "I get... um... I don't think angry is sufficient, but it's like rage where I just want to trash everything around me because I'm just so angry that I can't think straight. It was suggested that I try that technique and it actually calmed me down."

"That's wonderful! I'm glad that information proved useful."

"Also, I was wondering how confidential is this? Like, do you tell Dr Maheswaren or my dad stuff?"

"Only if you want me to. Otherwise, everything is just between us."

_*Are you thinking about telling him about me?*_

****Quiet!****

"What if I told you something like... um... I had a secret family or I was addicted to gambling or something?"

"Are those things true about you?"

"Of course not. I'm not going to ask a hypothetical question about a real thing." Steven said like it was obvious. 

"It wouldn't matter anyway because the only thing I would have to break confidentiality for is if you are a danger to yourself or others. So, a secret family wouldn't be something I'd recommend having, but unless you were planning to kill them, it stays between us. Just like, if you have a gambling problem, I'd be glad you were at least aware you had a problem and would hope you'd want to have help coping, but it's just between us. However, if your gambling got you so far into debt that you decided the only way out was suicide, it would be my duty to do all I could to prevent that."

"That all sounds reasonable."

"So, in that light is there something you'd like to tell me?"

"Possibly, but not today because I have a more pressing issue I was hoping to ask you about."

_*Tease.*_

****Next appointment, I promise, but I don't want him distracted from my question.****

_*I'm going to hold you to that.*_

****I know.****

After an extended pause from Steven, Dr Hashman prodded, "What is the question?"

"I'm not sure exactly how to phrase it, so please forgive if I stumble a bit with it. Basically, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis and I've gotten directly opposing recommendations and I don't know which is right or if maybe they're both wrong and it's something more in the middle." Steven stood up, "Would it be okay if I maybe paced a bit while talking? It helps sometimes if I feel too hyped up to sit still."

"Whatever makes you comfortable."

"Thank you," Steven started to just walk a bit back and forth as he continued, "My dad was a rock star. Even now, he still writes music and sometimes manages a group on tour." Steven paused his pacing a moment and sighed, "In fact, he's home while the tour is still going on because he came back to deal with me and my problems." Another small sigh and back to pacing, "Anyway, that's not relevant to the question, but just to say that I take after him a lot. I've always loved performing. I get a rush from the audience and I've always gravitated to performance opportunities." Pacing stopped again and looking at Dr Hashman. "It's who I am. Like DNA or whatever and hardwired into my core."

Steven sat back down, looking a bit forlorn. Dr Hashman prodded, "But...?"

Steven looked at Dr Hashman, "The panic attack you first helped me with, it was from too many people in the house. Too many people focusing only on me and," Steven's breathing had started to speed up.

"Steven," Dr Hashman said his name firmly and Steven realized he was starting to freak out. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths and calmed himself down. Dr Hashman was pleased to see how well Steven averted another panic attack.

"I was overwhelmed. Then, yesterday, I was at the beach with Connie and we were just people watching from a bench and people were really spread out and I didn't panic, but I felt on the edge of panic? Like, I was worried people might start to notice me and that it would be too much and Connie suggested it was like a burn where I might have to avoid heat while it heals but then I'd be able to bake again. But another... person later suggested that if I avoid the things that are making me scared that I might end up even more afraid and never be able to go back to thriving on attention." A big sigh and then Steven made eye contact again with Dr Hashman. "I want to eventually be able to go back to thriving on attention and being willing and able to unashamedly make an embarrassment of myself if I want and if I have to avoid it for awhile to get it back I'm willing, but I don't want to inadvertantly make it even worse instead."

"Well, both of those views make a certain amount of sense, so I can understand your uncertainty. What I would recommend is exposure therapy. You'd come up with a list of actions you could take starting with the smallest, least anxiety producing action and then as you go down the list they go a little bit further. But you don't move to the next step until you've done the current step enough that it no longer produces anxiety. This way, you're technically always doing the least intense anxiety action. In fact, did you leave the beach when you felt uncomfortable?"

"No."

"So that would be a good example of what to set your baseline to. If you manage to go out again and feel less anxiety then you'll move onto whatever you'd put next on your list."

_*It sounds like a good plan.*_

****Yeah, I just might need to collaborate on ideas later.****

\-------

"How much time do we have left for this appointment?"

"Well, I scheduled this one as my last for the day so that we could be flexible on time again. What's on your mind?"

"So I thought I might have to wait until my next appointment, but we got my two main things for today covered, so..." Steven kind of internally braced himself and continued. "So, I was asking earlier about confidentiality because I'm going to tell you about something that nobody else knows and I need to keep it that way. There was something..." Steven took a couple steadying breaths, "something bad that happened to me in the past that only Connie knows about, but even she doesn't know about this particular result from the... bad thing."

Steven lifted his shirt, showing the doctor his gem, "Even though this looks like only a small portion of my body, it's actually half of me. The half from my mom. Organic and gem combined into one person... or at least, that's how it was. You're probably going to, at least at first, think I'm crazy but I have proof that it's real, so please keep an open mind."

Dr Hashman was intrigued and really eager to see what Steven was leading to. "I endeavor to approach everything in life with an open mind."

"That's good, um... so... Steven took a deep breath so he could just rush the last bit out, "my mind basically got split in 2 and the other half is my gem and I named him Pink and he's been nagging me that he wants to talk to you." Dr Hashman absorbed this while Steven took a couple gasps of air and then continued, "So I'm gonna let him out to talk directly to you and the proof will be obvious so just give me a minute." Steven closed his eyes. ****No mentioning of nightmares, the splitting or the incident.****

_*For now.*_

Dr Hashman watched in awe as Steven's skin started to glow pink and then he gasped at seeing Steven's eyes open and they were also pink and had a glow to them.

"Hello, Dr Hashman. I'm so glad Steven agreed to let me talk to you."

"Hello, Pink," Dr Hashman reached out and shook hands with him. "I consider it an honor to be trusted with something like this."

"I'm just glad to have someone new to talk to. As you can imagine, I don't have many options for conversation partners."

Dr Hashman chuckled, "I don't suppose you do. Well, the floor is yours. What's on your mind?"

"Well, my primary goal is to keep Steven safe and healthy because I'm literally incomplete without him. I live in a weird zone where, technically, I am also Steven, but because my conciousness is separate and I am a gem, my thinking is different from human Steven in varying degrees."

"He doesn't want me to talk about how we got this way. And I won't," Pink sounded like he was trying to reassure Steven, "but just know that we weren't always like this. So, my memories up to a point are identical to his. Then, once we started having our own independent thinking, the difference in the way we think affected how we reacted and interpreted life. This means we find ourselves disagreeing from time to time and I thought it would be nice if we had a neutral 3rd party to weigh in on things if we find ourselves deadlocked."

"Well, I wouldn't want to take sides but I'd be willing to offer my perspective on things and facilitate discussions between the 2 of you to help you try to come to an agreement."

"That would be welcome. I also am curious about your opinion of whether or not I should be kept a secret from the rest of the family."

****What are you doing?****

"Steven," Pink said out loud so that Dr Hashman would know that he wasn't addressing the doctor. "I think it would be nice to hear another perspective, to see what we might want to consider."

"I take it that Steven is the one preferring to keep you secret. What is his reasoning?"

"He is... very private about things. In fact, it is not uncommon for us to disagree on whether something should be shared or not, and I tend to be more... forthcoming and I think part of his concern is that I'm going to just share all his secrets with the world."

"And do you believe you would?"

"No. I am willing to honor his preferences as much as possible but I won't lie if I'm asked something directly. And I also don't feel I should be expected to keep quiet if I find us in a situation that puts us in danger."

"That seems reasonable."

"However, we don't always agree what constitutes danger. That's the thing we most argue over. He is also much, much more pessimistic. I don't know if I'd qualify as an optimist or a realist, but his views always seem so much more negative compared to how things seem to me. I love him and I am him to a degree, and I know he loves me, but he hates himself. I want to discover methods to help with how he views himself and the world."

"Those are admirable goals to have, and I hope I'll be able to help in many ways but firstly, if someone hates themself, there's no way for someone else to fix that. The person has to be open to the idea that maybe they aren't deserving of all the hate they pile on top themself. So, your present role could just be focusing on the love and be encouraging of any step, no matter how small, in the right direction." Dr Hashman stood. "I'm hoping to talk to both of you more at our next visit but, for now, I think we all need some time to absorb what we've covered today.

Pink stood and offered Dr Hashman his hand. They shook and Pink said, "Thank you, doctor. I look forward to speaking with you again." An extended blink as the pink glow faded away and Steven opened his eyes, thanked the doctor, and departed. 

On the drive home, Steven turned on the radio and told his father he needed to mentally process his appointment, which was true, just not in the way those words would lead his father to assume. Greg wondered about the various emotions he'd see on his son's face when he'd peek a look at him. 

****Maybe now you can tone down the whining about me telling people about you?****

_*Perhaps. But I'd like to point out that the doctor seemed to take things in stride, and he has no experience with these sorts of things, so maybe your family-*_

****Firstly, it's more that I don't want to deal with all the lines of questioning that will come up, not that they wouldn't understand the concept of how you exist. And secondly, they're not just my family, they're your family, too****

_*Then shouldn't I have a right for 'my' family to know I exist?*_

Steven felt conflicted about that. Pink made a good point and Pink often had good points. He wasn't worried his family couldn't love and accept Pink, he was sure they'd love him. ****If they have you, what do they even need me around for?**** So many conflicting emotions swirled around in Steven's head. Before Pink could reply, Steven added, ****I do plan to tell them about you, eventually, but I... I just can't deal right now with all that's going to come with it.****

_*Don't you think it might be better to get some of that out in the open? I bet you'd feel better if you weren't holding onto so much. They can't support you on things if they don't know about them.*_

****I... I don't need their support. I just need to get over stuff and move on.****

_*I disagree. I think your attitude towards this is part of where our problems came from. You try to carry everything yourself and that's not how people work. I can't even get you to talk to **me** about this stuff! I mean if I even try, for example, to bring up Whi-*_

****Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!****

_*Fine! Sometimes I don't know why I even try to help you.*_

****Because you're Steven Universe and that's what we're compelled to do.****

And they both gave each other the silent treatment the rest of the day.

\--------

That night, as was usual unfortunately, his brain decided to keep up his standard 'at least one nightmare most nights' schedule. Thankfully, at least it wasn't the worst of the rotation of nightmares he experienced, but it was still bad. 

Steven found himself adrift in the void of space. Several times in his life, Steven had found himself alone and with limited air. He once was blown out of the moonbase with only his bubble to protect him. Another time he'd fallen out of the warpstream into the cold, low oxygen area between. Even on the island inside Lion's mane, Steven had found himself unable to breath and needing to rush to get out. And knowing he was alone in there, there'd be nobody to rescue him if he didn't get himself out. Steven's brain decided to helpfully merge the various instances into a recurring experience he thought of as "The Suffocating Alone Dream."

The dream was never exactly the same, but the same themes were there to link it to the rest of them. This particular night, he found himself drifting through space, unable to breath and unable to generate his bubble for protection. The time difference between awake and dreams made it seem like a much longer time without oxygen than it really was, so minute after minute passed in the dream as he desperately tried to generate his bubble. And, unlike real life, where lack of oxygen would at least grant the mercy of blacking out, the dream wasn't so kind. It took every bit of knowledge of what it felt like in the void to make him suffer. And as he desperately struggled, he finally managed to wake himself up, gasping for air and shivering from remembered cold.

_*You're ok. You're safe. I'm here.*_

As he still erratically breathed, he was able to still 'talk' with Pink. ****I was out in space, just floating alone and I couldn't even form a bubble for protection.****

_*Well, you're safe now, try to see if you can calm your breathing.*_

Steven remembered what Connie had him do when he had the panic attack so he breathed in as deeply as he could, held it to the count of 5 then breathed out as much as possible. After doing it 3 times, he got his breathing closer to normal. In a quiet voice, Steven said, "My brain hates me."

_*Do you know what triggered this one?*_

Steven thought for a moment, then said, "It's not important."

_*You know figuring out the triggers is the best way to lessen the frequency.*_

Pink noticed Steven wasn't answering and seemed to be trying to think of something else to focus on.

_*You do know what triggered it, don't you?*_

Steven remained quiet, even though he knew it was a useless gesture because Pink always knew how to get him to answer if he really wanted it. But there was always the chance that Pink might drop it without him having to admit...

_*I'm going to start describing our separation if you-*_

"All right. All right I'll tell you. Shut up!" Steven whispered, #sigh#, "I'm pretty sure it's because I was feeling..." Grrr, he was really going to have to admit this, "...I was... feeling alone and abandoned without you talking to me." Steven braced himself for a gloating Pink, but Pink surprised him.

_*I missed talking to you, too,*_ and Steven could feel a warmth coming from his gem and chasing the last remnants of cold away. 

"As annoyed as I get with you sometimes, I'd rather have you annoying me than not around at all," since Pink didn't gloat, Steven felt he deserved to know.

Wisely, Pink didn't spoil the mood by then gloating. Instead, he offered, _*How about I talk about what I've been thinking about today while you try to go back to sleep?*_

"That'd be nice," Steven relaxed into sleep while listening to Pink discuss his thoughts on the differences between the most recent Lonely Blade movie and their favorite of the series. 

\------------------------------------


	2. Secrets Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stomach symptoms get worse and Steven's family finds out several things they didn't know.

Steven rested his head on his arm as he laid on the bathroom floor. The family had made a large midday meal and watched him to make sure he ate plenty. It was now late afternoon and fortunately the living room had cleared out as everyone went their various ways, confident in the knowledge that Steven was eating and doing well. 

_*If only they could see you now.*_

****I'm just glad nobody was outside the bathroom to hear that.****

Steven wiped some blood off his mouth. _*Well, it's been nearly three weeks and your 'ignore it and it'll go away' technique doesn't seem to be working.*_

Steven's stomach had been bugging him for a long while, so the vomiting wasn't even as big a deal to him as it used to be, but remembering a few weeks prior when he first saw blood, that was a different story. He'd been horrified. Pink had almost managed to convince him to tell the gems, but then he pushed it aside and convinced himself he'd be fine. 

_*You vomited a LOT of blood. You're definitely getting worse.*_

"I'll be fine," Steven finally managed to feel stable enough to attempt to stand. He wobbled a bit and put his hand against the wall for support. As he reached for the toilet lever, he glanced back into the toilet. It looked like a murder scene as it was full of bright red blood. He went ahead and pressed the lever and waited for the tank to refill to flush it again to make sure all the blood was gone. He then carefully, and unsteadily, walked to the sink and brushed his teeth and then gargled mouthwash. 

Only then did he allow himself to look at his reflection. Dark bags under his eyes. His face had a gaunt look to it where he could understand Dr Maheswaren describing him as 'underfed'. Steven splashed some water on his face, then took a few deep breaths before shoving himself away from the sink and leaving the bathroom. Fortunately, the area was still clear of the others. As he shakily made his way up the stairs, he found himself really regretting the lack of any banisters to grip. Once in his room he just collapsed on his bed and let sleep take him. 

\---------

When Steven woke up from his blood loss induced nap, he carefully maneuvered himself to a sitting position. As waves of dizziness hit him, he focused on ignoring it and talking to Pink. ****I was thinking about an exposure therapy idea. What if-****

Pink interrupted, _*What if you go tell your family today that you're vomiting so much blood you're likely not going to live long enough for the tear to kill you?*_

****Pink, I'll be fine. That nap helped and I just need to be more careful, especially when eating. I've got to try to avoid anything too spicy or acidic and I'm sure-****

_*I'm really worried, Steven. I may not be as able to heal you lately, but I can still monitor your vitals a fairly decent amount and what I'm seeing is very, very bad.*_

****Pink, you worry too-****

"Steven! Dinner's almost ready!"

"Okay, thanks, Pearl!" Steven shouted back down to her. ****Dammit****

Steven took several long, slow breaths before carefully standing up. He held still until the initial dizziness subsided and then carefully made his way downstairs. He then, in as casually- looking of a manner as he could, walked over to sit on a stool at the kitchen counter. 

Connie was also sitting at the counter, Steven smiled at her and she said, "Hello, sleepy head!" and at his momentary confusion, Connie added, "I got here about 45 minutes ago to find you napping, so I've been just chit-chatting with Pearl while she cooks something that smells amazing."

He thought the food did smell good, "Pearl, you're getting pretty good at cooking. If that tastes even half as good as it smells, it's going to be amazing."

Pearl blushed at the compliment, "Oh, Steven, it's essentially just chemistry. That and just diligently following instructions, so two things I excel at."

Steven was being sincere in his compliments and how optimistic he was about the veggie loaf based on the aroma. The only real problem is it was making his stomach growl and that seemed to be riling something up that could make a scene. "I'll go wash my hands," Steven said as he carefully, and he hoped nonchalantly, stood up and started towards the bathroom.

Pearl said, "Steven you could just wash your hands in the kitchen sink..."

"No, that's okay, I'll also use the toilet real quick, too," and he kept walking towards the bathroom. 

_*Steven.*_

Steven ignored Pink and focused on Lion walking up to stand directly in his path, "Hey, buddy, I can't pet you right now because I'm about to eat dinner," and Steven tried to walk around Lion. But Lion, moved to stay in Steven's way. Steven could feel his stomach reaching critical mass, "Hey, c'mon and move out of the way."

"Is everything alright?" Connie asked as she placed a hand on his shoulder, "you're looking a bit sweaty all of a sudden."

"I'm fine I just really need to use the bathroom," as Lion continued to block his path, Steven couldn't stop himself as he clutched a handful of Lion's mane to hold himself up as he began vomiting blood right in the middle of the living room. He could hear horrified reactions as blackness started closing in around him and his last thought was, ****I don't think I'll be able to talk my way out of this.****

\--------

Steven awoke surrounded by the gems, his father, Connie and even Lion visible nearby, which was especially impressive considering Steven realized he was in a hospital bed. In a hospital. The last thing he remembered was trying to excuse himself to the bathroom to vomit and Pink... he was sure Pink was somehow to blame, and maybe even somehow teamed up with Lion, who delayed and blocked his path so that he ended up on the ground and vomiting blood in front of everyone. He hoped he'd somehow be able to talk everyone into ignoring the incident. 

The next thought that occurred to him is he felt weird. Good weird. Like completely pain free. He couldn't even remember the last time there wasn't at least one thing that hurt. A glance at his left arm showed an IV relaying some magical concoction he was sure explained it.

Only a few moments had passed since his waking and everyone was looking at him expectantly with a variety of emotions on their faces: relief, worry, joy and more than just an undertone of pissed off. Steven ignored Pink's 'helpful' suggestions and decided to try to get ahead of the situation and started with, "Sorry?"

That was apparently not the right start as several of his visitors started to simultaneously speak in irritated tones. Steven could only pick up a few words like "dangerous" and "lucky" and "grounded for life"? before the woman he loved raised a hand to silence everyone; deciding she'd speak for the group. 

Connie sat down on the right side of the bed and took Steven's non IV hand into both of hers. She looked into his eyes and asked, "How long?"

"Does it really matter how-"

Connie tightened her grip on Steven's hand and repeated, "How long?" And as Steven opened his mouth to answer, Connie gave his hand another hard squeeze and added, "And keep in mind that mom told me the damage showed it's been at least months."

Steven let out a breath and closed his mouth. He stared at the blanket covering himself, "The throwing up blood's only been the last few weeks..."

"But?"

"...but it's been bothering me for about... 2 or 3... years..."

"YEARS!!"

Steven involuntarily flinched at the outburst, which at least had the effect of getting the group to tone down a bit.

_*Tell them about the nightmares.*_

****No!****

"I'm sorry. I didn't think it worth bothering anybody for an upset stomach."

_*Upset stomach? That's what you're calling that pain.*_

****Shut up I'm trying to focus!****

Perhaps because she's a permafusion, or because she sees the world through 3 eyes instead of just 2 or maybe just because as the leader of the Crystal Gems for some time, she'd become accustomed to paying close attention to things, but for some reason she started to focus on the pauses between when Steven spoke. It had a familiar look to it that she knew it couldn't be, but was intrigued to find out what it was. She could use her future vision to try to find out but then she'd be missing out on the now.

"Is there something you're not telling us?"

If an internal voice could roll around on the floor of your mind, laughing, that's what Pink was doing at that moment. Between spasms of laughter, Pink said, _*Oh stars, where would you even start...*_

 ****Shut up!**** Steven thought as he rubbed his eyes in irritation and then said to the group, "Why do you ask?"

Steven diligently tried to ignore the laughter speckled rambling in his head as he tried to minimize the situation as best as possible.

_*.. and the nightmares and...*_

"You seem distracted."

_*...and the time you tried to...*_

"I'm in a hospital and hooked up to stuff and being interrogated by a mob. And Connie looks like my being hospitalized is the only thing keeping her from killing me," though even as intimidating as Connie was at the moment, he didn't even try to withdraw his hand because he rejoiced for any interaction with her.

"We're worried about-"

_*...and the time White Diamond-*_

"Oh my stars will you shut up! Oh, not you, Connie. I wasn't... talking..."

 _*Who will you claim you were talking to?*_ Came the triumphant-sounding voice in his head. 

"...I mean... um... can I request a cyanide pill, please?"

"That's not funny"

Sigh. "I know. Sorry..."

Pink's voice alone was somehow able to convey a victory dance occurring. _*Tell them so I can start getting you better.*_

With his IV hand, Steven rubbed his eyes and Connie could hear him muttering under his breath, "You are such a dick..."

Steven looked around at his loved ones all gathered in front of him and the concern in their eyes and, "Is there any chance you guys could just ignore that tiny, little outburst and n-"

"No."

Sigh. Another couple breaths looking at all the expectant faces. Another sigh.

"Steven."

How could she make angrily saying his name still sound so pleasing?

"So.... um.... you know how I have a gem... well, um... my gem's got his own voice and... sigh...," and then, sounding angry, "...and he's an annoying dick who apparently can't take 'we'll talk about you later' as an acceptable answer."

Gasps as they tried to process that.

_*You're not explaining correctly...*_

Audible to the group, though they could tell not directed at them, they heard. "Shut up or I'll rip you out right now and find a wood chipper."

Both he and Pink knew it was an empty threat. Mainly, it was Steven's way of compensating for the fact he couldn't punch Pink to get him to cooperate. 

****This whole subject is going to cause so many follow up questions...****

"Ok, so it's not even worth talking about, but events occurred to cause my gem and I to have kinda separate consciousnesses."

"Oh you mean when White Dia-"

"Yes, that started it but there were other factors, too."

"What did White Diamond do?"

"You didn't tell them!?"

"Tell us what!?"

"It's not worth talking about."

"Steven, I know we haven't talked about it since it happened, but I'd assumed it was because you thought I wouldn't understand and that you'd at least talk to the gems about it."

Hand to his eyes, rubbing them and covering them as if that could protect himself, "They wouldn't understand. Nobody can understand," and then answering a voice only he could hear, "...ok ...maybe you..."

"Steven, you need to talk about this."

_*You really do.*_

"It's not important."

Connie pulled Steven's hand from his face so that he was looking at her, "It is important. What she did to you, it... it was horrible and you can't have them interacting with her without knowing what she did. She needs to be held accountable."

A few shaky breathes, then, "W-White Diamond... she..." encouraging hand squeeze from Connie, "...sh-she... ripped me in half." Steven was looking at Connie's hands holding his. Several tears dropped onto them and Steven sniffled. 

Shocked gasps all around him as no one had ever even thought of it being a thing that could happen. Connie could tell how much this was hurting Steven, and she wanted to help the flow of conversation to help him continue, so during Steven's pause, she helped supply some of the details so he wouldn't have to do all of it solo. "She didn't believe that his gem wasn't still just Pink Diamond hiding as an accessory on a human, so she got really upset when his gem turned into a glowing pink Steven."

One hand still holding Connie's and the other brought back to his face, Steven stared at the covers, "My human half passed out briefly from the pain. I could feel every cell in my body splitting and I remember it now from both sides of the split."

"His gem slowly lowered his Pink Steven side to the ground and he immediately focused on his human half, which was near me and couldn't walk, but was trying so hard to get to his other half."

"Connie helped carry my human half towards my gem half. W-white tried to stop me. Asking where Pink Diamond was and I told her she's gone, but she wouldn't listen so I screamed it at her. It's what caused some of the damage you might've noticed when you woke up. It also helped keep her focused on me so she wouldn't notice Connie with my organic half."

"Gem Steven just kept calmly walking toward us at a steady pace, even as she tried to stop him. She couldn't stand being ignored and eventually shot white light beams from herself and everyone she was controlling."

"My shields had no problems deflecting everything and I didn't... I didn't care if deflecting the energy killed all of you as long as I could get back to my organic half." Steven got a bit more choked up on that part from the guilt of all the things that could've gone wrong.

"But his human half did and yelled at him to stop and Gem Steven immediately listened and continued his steady walk to us."

"The... tear had been messy and not a perfect... split, so... things... didn't get properly distributed. My gem half didn't have any emotions or empathy or compassion or anything that cared about any of you, but I'd also gotten all the strength, power and focus and that focus was 100% on being whole again and I would've destroyed any of you without even the tiniest bit of hesitation if any of you had gotten in my way and, just a second," an inward look and then Steven added, "but Pink wants you to know he doesn't feel that way now. It's not our fault the... the tear... that it didn't allow him his portion of ability to care about others."

"White was losing her mind screaming and thrashing and we basically ignored her as I handed Gem Steven his human half." Another encouraging hand squeeze, they were almost done!

"As soon as my halves touched, my organic half could feel strength and health flowing in while my gem half got flooded with emotions and the world stopped looking so..." Steven struggled a moment for the right word to describe it and settled on, "so wrong and then..." Steven took a tissue from Connie with his IV hand and he blew his nose before getting the smallest hints of a smile and a slight change of his tone, "both my halves were so happy to be reunited that we just started laughing and spinning around and then we just melted back together."

For several minutes, the only sound or movement was from Connie handing Steven the tissue box and him blowing his nose a couple more times while he continued to stare at where his legs were under the covers.

The first to move was Greg, coming over to the opposite side of the bed from Connie and wrapping his arms around Steven to pull him into a bear hug. Tears returned and Steven sobbed into Greg's chest as the pain of holding this in had finally found an exit. Connie leaned and joined the hug and crying as the other gems converged around them, respectfully standing in support.

\-----------

The sobbing had worn Steven out so he got some sleep with Connie sleeping on top of the covers next to him. Lion was laying on the ground beside the bed and everyone else quietly exited and closed the door behind them to talk in the hall. Or at least would have talked in the hall if a nurse hadn't scolded them for blocking traffic and ushered them into a more out of the way alcove.

"He's been holding that in for three years."

"How did we not realize something more had happened?"

"It explains why he mentioned fantasizing about shattering White Diamond."

"Oh, and then we had him working closely with her dismantling the empire!"

"At this point, what can we even do?"

"For one, we can listen to anything else he has to say and we will make sure he knows that we're here, we love him, will support him in any way he requires and we will respect how he chooses to deal with it."

"We can assume the stomach pains are related to this but we actually got kind of off the subject when we started talking about White Diamond. I mean, that may be a way he's dealing with it and we don't want to support unhealthy or dangerous actions."

"Of course not, Pearl, but we do at least need to work towards changing those destructive behaviors into better ones in a way that doesn't feel like we're judging him or that makes him think we see him differently now."

"Do you think gem Steven can talk through regular Steven? How would that work, do you think?"

"I don't know, but we definitely need to find out more. Has he been living as 2 people in one since that time and we've never noticed? We've fused with him and never noticed?"

"How are we so bad at supporting Steven that big things like this get passed us?"

"He's the most open and truthful dude I know but he's somehow also able to hide so much from us. Maybe that right there was how he could be both."

"Maybe, but we're not going to treat this as a 'Steven hid this' or 'Steven should've that,' we are going to treat this as us failing him and not the other way around."

\-----------

In the haze between awake and asleep, Steven and Pink find themselves sitting on the cliff with the lighthouse in Beach City. ****I hope you're happy.****

_*You can't even imagine.*_

****I'm just glad you didn't get so much harder to tune out until after the... Jasper thing. I can't imagine what the past year would've been like if I had your non stop nagging added to everything else.****

_*I'll tell you. It would've gone much better because I'd have been better able to stop you from spiralling... and maybe prevented the Jasper thing.*_

****I'm still undecided if the new you is better or worse than the old you.****

_*You think you preferred me emotionless... and quiet, ah now I get it.*_

****Don't forget obedient. I bet you would've shut up for me then if I'd told you to.****

_*I know you like having me around.*_

****Maybe I just like having someone I can be a jerk to without feeling guilty. ****

_*So you threaten me and enjoy being mean to me. If only everyone knew the real you*_ Pink meant it jokingly, but he felt a wave of sadness come through and added, _*You know I'm joking, right?*_

****But it's true. I'm a horrible person and they think they'll stand by me but they'll see how awful I really am deep inside and they'll...****

Pink put an arm around Steven's shoulder. _*I know everything and I still love you.*_

****Yeah, but you're stuck with me. Maybe you've just got Stockholm Syndrome****

_*Nope, and you know it. I'm part of you. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else because you are home. And I know you love me.*_

****Yeah, fine. Proof that you can't really be me because I don't hate you and we both know how much I hate me****

\-----------

When Steven woke, Connie wasn't on the bed any more but his Dad was in the room. He was sitting in a nearby chair playing a guitar. He didn't seem to be playing any song Steven recognized. He seemed to mostly just be nervously fiddling with it and playing to fill the quiet more than anything else. Steven hadn't yet moved so he lay there awhile just listening. He wasn't eager to start up a new line of questioning. 

_*How long we gonna just lay here?*_

****How about until everyone dies of old age?****

_*I don't want to encourage that but I would be impressed if you managed to pull that off.*_

****Ah, dreams. If only. You wanted to speak directly to them, right?****

_*Yes. That way I don't have to worry how you'll relay my words.*_

****Fine, I'll swap you places first chance I get. You can deal with the interrogation for awhile. Just please don't embarrass me.****

_*I'm hurt that you even think you need to say that.*_

****I guess there's no more procrastinating. I've got to open my eyes.****

"He's awake!" Amethyst yelled. She'd been laying at the end of the bed while shaped like a cat.

"Amethyst!" came Pearl's yelled whisper. "You're going to get us kicked out again."

"Hey, Shtu-ball. How are you feeling?"

"Did I just hear Pearl say they were kicked out?"

Greg chuckled, "Yeah, it was just a little misunderstanding about what's considered appropriate hospital hallway behavior."

Steven was pressing the button to move his bed to more of a sitting position. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not. Nobody comes out looking good."

Steven chuckled but it turned into a groan when the movement jostled his stomach enough to make him notice he was in close to his normal amount of pain. He looked to where the IV was still in his arm, but the end was taped to him instead of being connected to anything. 

Before Steven could ask, Garnet was entering the room and explained, "We really didn't get a chance to talk about this earlier but when we brought you in, you were bleeding in your stomach. It was so severe they had to cauterize several sections just to stop the flow." Garnet sat beside him on the bed. "They had you on morphine, but didn't want to keep you on it too long. They also needed you able to gauge if there's been any changes you can feel." Garnet removed her sunglasses to make eye contact, "Is the issue with your gem the reason you weren't able to heal yourself?"

Steven just nodded, looking downward. "We didn't really get to tell you guys too much about him either before... we got sidetracked."

"Is he able to speak directly to us?"

"Yeah, it's really easy to tell us apart. I call him Pink, because it got annoying to say Pink Steven," Steven looked back up to try to meet Garnet's eyes, "In some ways, it's good for you to talk to him because he doesn't have the same issues I do but, " Steven sighed and looked away, "he's probably going to say at least 1 thing and probably more, that's going to probably get you angry at me."

Garnet placed a hand on Steven's chin and turned him back to face her, "If I get angry, it doesn't mean I don't love you. In fact, it will probably be my love and concern for you that is going to contribute to making me angry, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

Garnet placed a kiss on Steven's forehead and said, "Now let's finally meet this Pink."

\-------------

Steven closed his eyes. ****Don't embarrass me.****

_*No promises there, but I don't intend to embarrass you.*_

When Pink opened his eyes, he knew they were lit up pink. It matched the glowing hue of the rest of Steven's body and was an indicator of Pink using his powers to puppet Steven's body because he currently had no direct connection the way bio Steven did.

Pink noted Garnet still seated to his left and Pearl now to his right, both seated on the bed. Amethyst sat crossed legged at the end of his bed, Greg in a bedside chair and coming up beside Garnet, Lion was poking his head in. Pink smiled at Lion and started scritching his head saying, "Hey, buddy. It's so great to finally interact with you directly." Lion let out a friendly sound that seemed to share the sentiment. "He named you Lion and me Pink. Our guy's not the most creative, is he?" Lion gave Pink a big kiss and then laid down in a corner of the room. 

"Sorry, guys," Pink addressed the gems, "it's just that he's one of the only ones I've been able to communicate with other than Steven." A pause and then Pink spoke obviously towards Steven, "Don't you say you 'knew it', you knew nothing." An apologetic chuckle and Pink resumed speaking to the gems, "Again, sorry. I don't get to 'drive' much." Pink then looked serious and said, "There are some things I need to tell you because Steven won't. He doesn't want to be a burden or a bother or cause you to worry or to have to prioritize him over anyone else. You've seen how he'd prefer to literally bleed to death rather than ask for help."

Pink paused a moment in case anyone needed to say something, but he could see they all understood, so he continued. "He lies. He lies so much that it's become habit. He'll tell you he's fine, but he's not. He'll tell you he doesn't mind something that's crushing his heart. He'll say he doesn't need help when he's desperately drowning." Guilty looks went around as they remembered times when they didn't push and Steven ended up hurt. "If you ever need to know anything about his status regarding physical or mental health or things like that, demand to speak to me and ask me. I won't lie to you. I'm sure I'm technically capable of lying but I just don't understand his view in this regard at all. Before I continue, do you want to ask or say anything?"

Everyone glanced around and seemed to agree they'd like him to continue, but upon looking back to Pink, they saw a large grin on his face, "Connie, you're just in time. The only thing you've missed is that he's a liar. "

"Well, I already knew that."

"I texted her." Pink appeared to be listening to Steven, "I took over your hand near the phone when Amethyst wasn't looking and you were still pretending to be asleep." A quick "ha!" and a "I look forward to it." Pink directed his attention back to the group, "Steven was already mad at me but now he's freaking out. He doesn't want to lose you, Connie, and he's terrified I'm going to say something to cause that."

Connie came and sat right next to Pink where he'd scooted over to make room, "You can tell Steven that he's stuck with me forever, no matter what."

"He heard you and I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him talking for a bit," a quick glance to make sure nobody objected. "First, I want to clarify some things on the timeline of events so that everyone's on the same page. And you need to hear this because one of the things Steven is not telling you is that we are falling apart, well more accurately we are tearing apart and if we can't stop it, he'll probably die." Several gasps in the group. 

"When Steven described White Diamond as ripping us apart, he wasn't being melodramatic. Every cell in this body is a combination of organic and my gem energies. I was lucky, and in part it was thanks to Connie's assistance, I was able to rejoin with him and heal him as quickly as I did because his cells had been damaged so badly his organs were shut down or in the process of shutting down and he was hemorrhaging internally."

Concerned faces all around, knowing that this had happened with them completely unaware. Pink continued, "In our rush to become whole again, and never having been in a situation where we could learn to reassemble ourselves, we didn't do the best job. We were only off by 1% but that was enough to start the unraveling. It was slow at first, in fact by the time Spinel arrived, we were only about 10% out of sync, still plenty of time to think of a solution before time runs out, but then that rejuvenator..." A look of anger swept over Pink's face in a flash. Pink closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. When he reopened his eyes, the anger was still there but clearly under control. "I forgot myself. I essentially reverted back to the point of when we were a baby. The only reason Steven could still access any powers was because our messy split and rejoining had him connected in ways to our core that he hadn't been before, sort of a bypass. Eventually, Steven was able to restore me but the damage had been done. At the time I regained myself, I found we were 15% out of sync and it had accelerated things. As I speak to you now, there is only about 60% overlap between us. It's also why I have my own distinctive personality at this point. There are times we can still think as one but more and more he has his thoughts and primary control of the organic and I have my mind and primary control of my gem's powers. It's still only an issue when we strongly disagree but its going to continue to get worse until eventually I may as well just be separated physically because it won't make a difference. You've seen how I'm already limited in my abilities to maintain and restore his health. That's only going to get worse." An alarmed look hit his face, "In fact, someone needs to summon a medical professional immediately. Steven, you were supposed to be-. Don't you blame my few minutes ignor-"

Connie grabbed Pink by the shoulders to get his attention, "Don't waste time arguing. What's going on?"

"Sorry, bad habits. I believe something is going wrong with his heart." An extended blink and he added, "Steven's lost conciousness because it's either heart, lungs or both, but we're not getting sufficient oxygen." He glanced at the medical team arriving, then looked at his family, "I have to withdraw to see what I can do to help. Catch him." And the pink coloring faded and Connie caught Steven's slumping body and laid him down before getting out of the way for the crash cart as alarms filled the room with noise.

\------------

Steven was in an emptiness. He wasn't really sure what else he could call it. It was black all around but he could see himself clearly. There was an invisible floor he was standing on but otherwise he was just surrounded by... nothingness. Steven was afraid. 

He wasn't sure how long he sat there before Pink arrived. It might've been seconds or millions of years for all he could tell. Pink's glow was such a welcome sight that any argument he might've intended an eternity ago was forgotten as he rushed to hug him.

****Pink! What's going on?****

Pink hugged Steven, _*Something with your heart and maybe your lungs. I think there was some kind of fluid buildup causing pressure on your organs.*_ He looked ashamed at his limitations as he added _*I couldn't do anything to help.*_

 ****It's alright. It's my fault. I was too busy freaking out to pay proper attention like I should have. I'm sorry.**** and Steven hugged Pink tighter. 

After some indeterminate amount of time, Steven asked, ****Where are we?****

_*The unconscious. The body wasn't able to sustain us awake, but also hasn't sent us into the deeper layers of sleep.*_

****What do we do now?****

_*We wait and hope the doctors are sufficiently skilled. I can still monitor your status to a small degree.*_ Pink paused with a faraway look before looking back at Steven, _*I think they are providing you with supplemental oxygen and withdrawing fluid from your chest.*_

****Pink... Pink! Something is happening. I feel wrong.****

A horrified look from Pink. _*Your heart has stopped.*_ and he caught Steven as Steven's legs buckled and they both plopped onto the floor. Steven was starting to fade. _*Oh, no you don't, Steven, I've got enough left in me that I could get your heart to pump a few more times. Maybe that will give them a chance.*_ and Pink focused to send all his energies to running Steven's heart and lungs the way he had used Steven's head and body to communicate with the outside world. 

After a dozen breaths, Pink felt a jolt of energy. The medical staff seemed to have attempted to restore Steven's heart rhythm with a defibrillator. The energy from that device ramped up Pink's reserves enough to try to repair the worst bit of damage in the areas he could still heal. 

Steven felt life flow back into himself and he hugged Pink. ****I think I might be ok for now.****

_*Try to see if you can relax your mind down to sleep. The restorative nature of sleep will help supplement any repairs I try to do as my energies build back up._

****Ok, will do. And Pink? I'm sorry about the wood chipper jokes.****

_*It's ok. I know you don't mean them.*_

\------------------------------------------

Steven slowly awoke. He could hear various monitors with their various beeps, clicks and whirs. He then became aware of things attached to various parts of his body, including a tube down his throat. This startled him enough that a surge of adrenaline brought him fully awake as well as causing some of the nearby monitors to alarm. 

Steven felt a touch on his arm and saw his father's face looking down at him, "Stu-ball, it's ok! You're safe. They just had to put a tube in to help you breathe. Just relax. They paged a respiratory therapist to come see if they can remove the tube. Just let the machine do its thing. You'll be fine."

Steven tried to relax. It was difficult because he felt like he was choking or at least needed to cough. He focused on the relief in his dad's eyes. Guilt washed over Steven as he regretted having caused his father to worry. 

****I think I'm causing him to age faster.****

_*This is why you've got to stop hiding when you're sick or injured. It just makes it worse later and causes more worry.*_

****Which is basically your fancy way of saying you told me so.****

_*I'm classy like that.*_

The respiratory therapist arrived and ran a couple tests before agreeing that the tube could be removed. Removal was unpleasant and made Steven worry about when it would eventually be time to remove his catheter. 

Coughing, Steven was slowly moved to a partially sitting position and given some ice chips to eat. Steven was able to look around and see who else was in the room. His dad was helping him with the ice chips as Steven found his hands unsteady. Garnet was in a chair on the opposite side of the bed from his dad. There appeared to be a stack of books on a small table in a corner of the room, but no "Connie!" Steven then had to pause because he started coughing. Once he'd stopped coughing, and once Connie let him out of the hug she'd wrapped him in, Steven's first words to Connie was, "Are you missing school?"

Connie, Garnet and even Steven's dad chuckled at that and then Connie said, "Same old Steven," she kissed his forehead, "Don't worry about it, I've been studying in the corner whenever I'm here. And how dare you choose to wake up when I step away for 5 minutes to get something to eat!" She playfully, and very, very gently, slapped Steven's arm.

"What happened?"

Connie got a serious look on her face, "You almost died." Connie's eyes glistened, "Your heart... there was fluid build up and they were trying to drain it and your heart stopped." Connie turned to Garnet before grabbing a tissue to dab her eyes. 

Garnet continued, "They tried to resuscitate you, but nothing was working. Then, your gem started to glow and your chest glowed pink and your heart and lungs started to work again. They put a breathing tube in and the glow shifted to only your heart. It faded a couple times and the first time, your heart stopped when the glow stopped. After a pause the glow returned and ran your heart a bit longer and when it faded, your heart still beat a couple times and they were able to use the defibrillator to shock it into proper rhythm."

Steven's dad added, "You've been asleep for 3 days."

"What? Like in a coma?"

"No, you wouldn't wake up but your brain registered activity of sleep and not the deeper unconscious of a coma."

_*I kept you asleep to help accelerate what little healing I was able to do.*_

Steven had a distinctive look when he was conversing with Pink. Connie commented, "Was Pink the reason you slept so much?"

Steven nodded and opened his mouth to speak but paused because he heard something. It was a sound increasing in volume as it drew closer, "Sssssstteeeeeeeevvveeeeeeennnnnn!" Pearl came through the hospital door and fortunately Garnet caught her mid air as Pearl leapt towards Steven.

Garnet admonished Pearl, "Pearl, he's not healed enough to handle you diving onto him. I know you're excited but please remember that Steven is still recovering."

Pearl looked thoroughly ashamed and gently sat beside Steven and gently wrapped her arms around him and then started sobbing into his shoulder. Steven put his arms around Pearl and patted her back, soothingly. 

"I know I said it before but, again, I'm really sorry for putting everyone through this." ****And I mean that to you, too.****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, you like what you've read and look forward to more but, if you didn't, I'm sorry.


	3. Home From the Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven gets to go home on bed rest and more things are discovered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, there is no "sex" in this chapter, but there is heavily implied...um... that Connie does a really nice... favor... for Steven
> 
> On a semi related note, I might need to find a ghost writer / co-creator for help with some upcoming sex scenes because I don't want to disappoint, but I don't think that particular type of scene is my strong point. Otherwise, I hope people will be okay with more suggestive scenes for those times.

"You'll still have to take it easy."

"I understand."

"Most people would still be too unstable to leave the hospital yet. Fortunately, even with your gem powers limited, you are still doing much better than most people."

Steven was being pushed in a wheelchair to the front of the hospital where his dad had the van waiting. 

"Don't worry, I've got all the guidelines here," she gestured to the notebook she carried, "and I'm going to **make sure** he follows completely."

Steven felt a little conflicted when Connie used her "or else" voice on him. He was genuinely intimidated by the thought of crossing her in things she felt required the tone. But, he also found it oddly sexy, though he couldn't quite verbalize why.

At the house, Steven was settled into his bed and told he could only get up for the bathroom and, even then, had to alert whoever was currently on "Steven Watch" shift so they could accompany him on the stairs. 

"Is a baby monitor really necessary?" Steven grimaced as it was set up on a table just out of his reach.

"It was a compromise because your other option is we set up a chair in here to watch you from."

With a defeated sigh, Steven conceded, "A baby monitor is fine."

****This is humiliating****

_*They just want to make sure you recover. You know they worry about you, moreso since the heart incident.*_

****They should be focusing on their own lives. They know you'll narc on me if anything goes wrong.****

_*Something might happen where it would be too late by the time I could alert anyone.*_

Sigh. ****Would that really be so bad?****

_*It would really make my job a lot easier if you could get rid of this fatalistic death wish and cooperate with me.*_

"Meh."

"Did you say something, Steven?"

"Just breathing, Pearl."

"Should I ask Pink?"

"You do whatever you want. I don't care."

_*You're just wanting to argue with anyone, aren't you?*_

Steven had a headache that was steadily getting worse. Pearl entered Steven's bedroom. "You haven't even been in here half an hour and you're already misbehaving. Do you want me to text Connie?"

Steven rolled his eyes, and instantly regretted it when it made the headache worse. "This is stupid. Am I going to have to account for every little sound I make? Stars forbid I should sneeze or something. What will you do then?" Talking was also not helping with the headache, as it felt like his words were echoing in his head. 

Pearl looked offended and... hurt... "I'm just trying to take care of you," she commented quietly. 

The thousands of daggers of guilt stabbing into him did not help him to feel any better. With the guilt he felt compelled to apologize, but with the feeling he should apologize came anger at not even being allowed to be cranky when he didn't feel good. "Why do I have to be nice to everyone all the time? Can't I just grumble a little bit about how great I don't feel having just left the hospital? Do I have to remain in absolute silence or risk hurting someone's feelings by daring to make a sound? Because if that's the case, why don't you just find a way to keep me unconscious until you deem me sufficiently healthy enough to be a person again?"

_*That's not what she's saying.*_

"You're not supposed to get worked up. You're supposed to rest."

"How am I supposed to rest when everything hurts?!"

"How am I supposed to know everything hurts when you've never said anything?"

_*She's got you there.*_

"I just got out of the hospital! They didn't send me home with any morphine, so why wouldn't I feel terrible?"

Garnet and Amethyst came up to stand beside Pearl even though Pearl was officially on "Steven watch".

_*Calm down*_

"I'm not going to calm down!"

Connie runs up the stairs and jumps up to kneel on the bed beside Steven and pulls him into a hug. Before Steven can even react, Connie says, "I'm sorry."

Steven hadn't even had time to react to her sudden reappearance and then the unexpected apology right after effectively short circuited his brain and he held still in her arms. 

Connie looked at the gems and said, "Could you give Steven and I some time alone please?"

Looking just as confused as Steven, Garnet and Pearl left the room. Greg could be heard downstairs, "I had her halfway home when she gets a text and demands I race back here!" Amethyst gives a thumbs up to Connie's head nod and follows the other gems downstairs. 

Connie focused all her attention on Steven, "I was so busy thinking about how good it was that you got to come home and that we came up with a good schedule to make sure someone was always on hand and knew the restrictions you needed to follow and everything, but I completely forgot to make sure to get you 100% settled in and comfortable. I'm sorry about that. As your girlfriend, and especially as your best friend, I shouldn't have left you to settle in without me here."

Steven's short circuit had him completely forgetting he was angry a minute before and he said, "You don't have to do that."

"But I do because I need for you to get well so that I can punish you for making us all worry."

Steven leaned partially away from her, "That really doesn't fill me with motivation to get better."

Connie made a purring sound as she said, "You'll want to get better because I've come up with a carrot and stick combination of punishment plus incentive to be more forthcoming in the future."

"Well, now I'm simultaneously eager and terrified of getting better."

"Good, that's just the kind of energy that will get you mending sooner."

"When did you become so scarily alluring?"

"When I realized how trainable you are and how fully I own you."

"That's ridiculous. You don't-" his words were cut off as she initiated a very thoroughly intense kiss, lasting several minutes. 

When Connie ended the kiss, she leaned back and asked, "You were saying?"

Steven just blinked a couple times, "Wait, what?"

"Exactly," and she ignored the laughter coming from downstairs due to the baby monitor still being in use. "Now, I'm going to stay here with you for a bit to make sure you're settled in and comfortable and also that you're going to apologize to Pearl for yelling at her." She put a finger to Steven's lips to stop any objection he might've been about to make before she continued, "and I figure we can kiss some more afterwards."

A quick, irritated look and, "Pink, shut up."

"What's he saying?"

"He's just being a dick."

"Well that reminds me, I need to talk to him."

"Why do you want to-" Connie gave Steven a look, sigh, "Fine."

Steven's body and eyes took on the already familiar pink glow that heralded Pink switching to primary, though another easy clue was that he was laughing. "That was beautiful." He wiped away a tear from laughing. "You basically put his brain in a system reboot. Hah... so, what can I do for you?"

"What got him so riled up?"

"Oh, he's just short tempered right now because he's got a headache so bad that it feels like his head is being crushed in."

"Oh, that's terrible. Why hasn't he mentioned it?"

"When I suggested he say something, he said there's no point complaining about it when there's nothing that can be done about it. We're assuming you can't get morphine for him and that's the only time he's been pain free in years."

"Just a moment," Connie got off the bed, walked over to the baby monitor and shut it off. She got back on the bed and spoke quietly, "Can you create walls independent of Steven?"

"Easily."

"Would you be able to do so if Steven was back in front and... um... very distracted..."

"I... I believe so..." being a gem, Pink was not sure where she was going with this, but trusted she would have a good plan whatever it was. 

"I've been looking into drug free ways to help Steven get to sleep easier and something I'd hoped to try also has pain relief benefits. However, I wouldn't want interruptions and if anybody were to see what I'd be doing, well..." Connie got a bit of a blush, "...well let's just say both Steven and I would be very embarrassed, so..." Connie paused and took a deep breathe, "...as a precaution, I'd want you to block off entry to the room plus sound muffling, if possible. It wouldn't be as difficult if they could just give Steven a bedroom door, but that's a fight for another day."

"Ok, no problem, you want to do that now?"

Connie gave Pink a quick peck on his nose, "Yes, thank you." The pink glow faded and a curious looking Steven was then looking at Connie inquisitively.

"Um... so, you want to help me sleep?"

"Yeah, if you're ok with it? Um, it involves me... touching you... um... intimately..."

Steven's eyes enlarged and his cheeks flushed. He glanced away and said, "If you want to, I mean if you don't mind, I don't object..." Steven fought the hormonal response that made him want to answer in a much, much more eager way. 

Connie's face was flushed and she said, "I researched what to do and I think it will be good for you and I want to help you to feel better. Both helping you to get more healing sleep as well as I want you to be in less pain." Connie ran a hand through Steven's hair, "I hate that you're so often in so much pain. If I can help that, I really want to do so."

Connie pulled Steven into another passionate kiss that lasted several minutes and caused blood to redirect to a lower region of Steven's body. While still deeply kissing him, Connie put a hand on Steven's chest and ran it down his body until it rested upon a particularly... attentive region of fabric. Steven shuddered at the feeling. 

Pink raised up shields and Connie proved she takes studying very seriously in any subject.

\----------------------------------------

With the shields still up, and Steven essentially a boneless puddle, Connie made sure everything was presentable again while Steven said, "Sometime in the future, please let me do something like that for you."

"I look forward to it," she replied as she gave Steven one more enthusiastic kiss, said, "You can lower shields now," then turned back on the baby monitor and got back on the bed beside Steven to run her fingers lazily through his hair. "Just relax and let yourself drift off to sleep, ok?"

Steven was already so relaxed, and he always melted at Connie playing with his hair so it was especially relaxing under the current circumstances. It didn't take very long for him to drift off to sleep. Pearl came up to the bedroom as Connie got off the bed. Connie whispered to Pearl, "When he wakes up, he should apologize for his earlier behaviors. If he doesn't, let me know, ok?"

Those downstairs had noticed the shields go up, as well as the baby monitor being turned off, and had been tempted to investigate but Garnet said Connie was just isolating to better put Steven to sleep and that everything would be fine. Pearl hadn't 100% believed her but could find no fault with the scene she found. 

Greg drove Connie home and Steven slept well that night. When he woke up in the morning, he was surprised that it was morning because, not counting his recent hospital stay, he couldn't remember the last time he made it through an entire night without waking up. 

_*You slept real good, didn't you?*_ Pink's voice was tinged with amusement. One lucky thing about the gradual strengthening of Pink's ability to communicate with him was that by the time Steven realized there was essentially an entire separate conciousness within him, he'd been living life normally so he knew Pink had pretty much witnessed everything he did, so there wasn't the embarrassment he might've felt otherwise. This new experience, however, threatened to make him at least a little embarrassed. Though during, he didn't think he would've cared about anything else going on in the world. 

****You got to enjoy that, too, right?****

_*Probably not quite as fully as you did but yeah, I can see why you are a fan.*_

Steven briefly let his mind wander back and then thought, ****She said she studied what to do, and it was amazing. I think I'm going to have to buy a book or something to make sure I can make her feel as good. I don't want my response to be some pathetic low effort thing. You're gonna need to help me research because I'm thinking whatever training materials I find might make it difficult to concentrate fully.****

 _*You want me to help you please your girlfriend?*_ Pink still had an amused tinge to his words. 

****Well, you're me too so she's your girlfriend, too, right?**** Steven felt a headache might come back if he thought about it too long. ****At least, I think maybe? I'm not really sure how she thinks of you and me.****

_*At some point, we could ask her.*_

****I suppose that's true. We probably should. How do you feel about her?****

_*I... hmmm... I haven't really thought about it. So, I have memories of Connie being my best friend. And I care deeply for her, but I think when we rejoined, more and more of the memories since then have felt 3rd person so the 'blossoming romance' was more something I witnessed rather than something I felt a participant to. All of this to say that I see the many appealing things about her and I prefer to have her near whenever possible and would be open to being in a relationship with her, but I also won't be hurt if she just thinks of me as your ride along friend.*_

****Well, I guess we'll have to remember to ask her about it.****

The day was mostly uneventful, meaning boring, though Steven did make sure to apologize to Pearl. Steven was grateful when he was at least able to convince them to move his TV and video game controls closer so that he could play while sat all the way back against the propped up pillows at the head of his bed. 

It was nice having Pink's existence out in the open. He and Pink took turns controlling his body to play games, competing to get the better score. "It's a shame I don't think I could play a fighting game one handed. Then we could each control an arm and play one on one."

*I'm sure I could master combos one handed.*

"All right, challenge accepted!" They turned out to be pretty evenly matched but Pink claimed he was hindered by having to use the non dominant hand. 

\-------------

That night was more of what Steven normally experienced.

As was more frequently the case in the last year, Steven found himself in White Diamond's head-shaped ship. And it was **that** day again, but in the dream he forgot that every time as though it was the first time. The only difference was the more intense feeling of impending doom that he didn't have that first time when he naively still had hope. 

He watched again as his family was taken over, turning gray and moving limply like puppets on invisible strings and speaking with **her** voice. 

"Oh, Starlight..."

He watched again as Connie arrived and was restrained by his puppeted family. 

And then, again, he was picked up by two fingers from a giant hand like he was nothing. Long, black nails that were bigger than his entire body were coming toward him. 

"Time to come out..."

And then the pain. The pain that felt like he was ripping in half. The pain that burned like she'd dipped him in lava. The pain that told him his soul was being shredded. 

Steven bolted upright in bed, drenched in sweat and panting like he'd just completed a marathon. His hands instinctively moving protectively over the gem in his abdomen. Relief briefly flashed at finding his gem in its proper place, but the terror and echoes of pain remained much, much longer. 

_*You're safe. I'm still here.*_

Steven hugged his arms around himself, rocking and trying to catch his breath. 

Garnet rushed into the room, having heard the panicked gasping over the baby monitor. She sat beside him on the bed and scooped him onto her lap and wrapped her arms around him. Steven kept one arm wrapped around his middle and with the other, gripped Garnet like a drowning man would a life preserver. 

Garnet rubbed Steven's back and rocked a bit, saying things like, "I'm here" and "you're safe" and "you're awake now."

If Garnet had come in half an hour later, Steven would've gathered himself to play things off as nothing. But, in the middle of the terror, pain and confusion of the nightmare still, he couldn't yet even form coherent thought. His body was shaking and part of his mind was still caught up in remembered pain. 

After some time, Steven started to calm down. His shaking lessened to sporadic tremors, his breathing slowed but had a hitch to it like tears might be coming, and most importantly, Garnet and Pink's words started to touch his awareness. 

****I'm sorry.****

_*What do you possibly have to apologize for?*_

****I didn't mean to tune you out. I'm remembering now that you were talking, but it's like I heard you but didn't at the same time? That probably doesn't even make sense, does it?****

_*I understand. Don't worry. My only regret is that I was so limited in my ability to help you.*_

"Garnet."

Garnet continued to hold him and to soothingly rub his back. Her voice was gentle and comforting, "Yes, Steven?"

"Thank you." He had so much more he felt like he needed to say. To both of them, but stark terror is exhausting and he was already starting to relax enough that sleep was getting a grip on him. 

Garnet could feel Steven relaxing more and more and his head drooping to lean against her. He seemed to be fighting it, though and so she said, "Get some sleep. We can always talk in the morning."

Steven fought to get out one more request first, though it felt greedy. "Garnet, would you be okay to keep holding me while I fall sleep? It's okay if it's too-"

Garnet kissed the top of Steven's head. It would be my honor, Steven. Sleep and I will keep you safe. I love you."

"Love you, too," Steven managed to get out before sleep overtook him.

\--------

Steven woke slowly. Feeling safe and loved and found Garnet had kept to her word and was holding him even now. "Sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to ruin your whole night."

"It wasn't ruined. I got to be with my favorite person in the universe. "

"Aw, Garnet, you're going to give me an overinflated ego."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take." She kissed the curls on top of Steven's head, "Ready to talk about your nightmare?"

"I don't want to bother you with my stupid dreams."

"You're not a bother."

Deep breath in. Long breath out. Steven snuggled into Garnet to bolster his courage. "It was... the... the thing Connie and I told you about in the hospital."

Garnet gave Steven a little squeeze. "Do you think it's due to having talked about it recently?"

"No... I usually have it at least once or more times a week," Steven said quietly.

Garnet tensed, "Steven, you've been having that nightmare every week and haven't said anything?"

Tears sprung to Steven's eyes, "I didn't want to talk about it and... and there didn't seem to be a point. I mean, what could anyone possibly do about it?"

"Has Pink ever suggested anything?" Steven remained quiet. There wasn't a surer sign that Steven didn't want to lie but also didn't want to admit the truth. It meant Pink probably had and that Steven thought Garnet might want to pursue the idea. "Should I request to speak directly to him?"

Sigh..."He's under the delusion that it'd help if I confronted W-White, if I confronted her."

"You don't think it would help?"

"I don't think it would and, even if I'm wrong, I don't want to see her. I don't want to confront her. I don't want to ever see her ever again."

"That might be difficult. I'm sure eventually she'll come here if she doesn't hear from you."

"That's only if she notices. They've got Spinel to keep them entertained."

"For now, I won't press you to try confrontation. I'll admit that I'm not sure in this moment what can be done, but I plan to devote serious thought to the issue going forward."

"Thank you, Garnet."

\------

After a very boring breakfast meant to not damage his healing stomach, Steven was escorted to the bathroom for toilet and shower. Steven was grateful they were at least allowing him to handle that alone... or at least as alone as you can get with a second consciousness in your head. 

Then he was escorted back up the stairs and into a bed with fresh sheets. After Pearl settled him into bed, and Steven held back several irritated comments he wanted to make about over fussiness, Pearl informed him, "Peridot will be here in a few minutes to run some tests on you."

He was about to ask what tests but then remembered something about a chat he'd had with Pink previously, "For the tear?"

"Yes, she's going to see what she can determine about it and hopefully figure out a fix. Make sure to cooperate fully."

Steven felt his temper attempting to flare up, but managed to hold it until Pearl left the room. The baby monitor was unfortunately still in use so he couldn't say anything after she left because she'd still hear it, so he put a pillow over his face for a moment and screamed into it.

_*Did that help?*_

****Not as much as I would've liked. I'm just... 'Make sure to cooperate fully,' just makes me want to punch things. I feel like I was in an ok mood and Pearl... I don't know...****

_*You feel like she's treating you like a child.*_ It wasn't a question.

****...yeah... is it wrong that it irritates me?****

Before Pink could answer, Peridot and Lapis had arrived and were clattering up the stairs with several different devices. "Steven, I hope you're feeling better after your recent health problem."

"I'm as well as mostly normal human healing could get me so far."

"Well, I hope not to exacerbate any of your human ailments, but I'm confident I'll be able to help with your gem problems." Peridot connected several wires from the devices to Steven. Mostly on his gem, but also one over his heart, one on his ankle, one on his wrist and several on various spots on his head. 

"This is a lot of wires."

"It is necessary to get a full scan of your gem and its connection to you." Peridot adjusted some dials and then asked, "So, I was told that several years ago you became separated from and then reconnected with your gem."

Seeing Peridot staring at him expectantly, he stated, "That is correct."

"And since then, your connection between organic and gem has not been the same."

Another expectant look from Peridot, "That's also correct."

"Can you elaborate on the nature of the changes?"

"How about I just let you talk gem to gem with Pink?"

Peridot's composure slipped for a moment, "We can do that?" She forced herself back to her clinical persona, "I mean, yes, that would probably be the best way to maximize our chances for a solution."

"Thank the stars. Pink, you can take over our cooperating."

A couple of Peridot's devices made whirring noises as Steven's body and eyes turned glowing pink. "Peridot, I want you to know how very grateful we are for your assistance and I regret that I hadn't been successful in my attempts to get Steven to go to you sooner."

Peridot straightened up her posture as she agreed, "It is a shame, as I'm sure we likely would already have solved this issue you're having." Thoroughly, pleased with herself, "Please tell me what is happening."

"Essentially. I'm losing my connection with Steven. It's similar to when White-" even internally, Steven still reacted to the name so Pink shifted words to be the least uncomfortable to Steven, "-when we were first separated except, instead of tearing all at once, it's occurring a cell layer at a time."

Peridot nodded as she looked at her devices and adjusted a knob, "And your disconnect first affected stomach and then outwards from there, correct?"

"Yes, can you tell that from your readings?"

Peridot nodded adding, "But it is also logical that the 'tear' as you call it, would start from the area of initial trauma and that's why," Peridot looked at her screen again to verify, "the major organs affected would have started with the stomach and then heart, lungs, approaching the right kidney currently..."

"You can track that?" Pink asked, impressed.

Peridot flushed slightly, hearing the compliment in Pink's words, "Of course. The initial damage is traveling in a spiral pattern outward and, if my calculations are correct," she said with a voice taking that as a given, "Steven's kidney functions will be the next to suffer damage and diminished ability and then..." Peridot hastily adjusted several things glancing at her tablet multiple times with a growing worry to her face, "...and then once the tear has reached 78% completion," she locked eyes with Pink, "...it will reach the brain and..." 

Peridot's lip trembled and her eyes glistened as she couldn't continue, so Pink finished for her with, "...and potentially Steven's entire body will shut down."

"I'm sorry!" Peridot jumped into the bed and hugged her arms around Pink/Steven's neck, crying as Lapis, who'd been standing by the stairs all this time climbed up on the opposite side of the bed and joined the hug. 

Greg, and the gems had been listening via baby monitor and came up the stairs and came beside the bed. Pink found himself for the first time in a solo gig as Steven Universe needing to take charge and comfort and encourage everyone. His organic half, who didn't seem especially bothered by the news of his possibly rapidly approaching demise, was currently trying to prevent himself having a panic attack from how very crowded his room was feeling.

Pink put his hands on Peridot's shoulders careful not to disrupt all the wires, and gently moved Peridot back enough to meet her eyes, "Peridot, there's still hope. We're not just going to accept this as inevitable. We just have to come up with ideas for stopping or slowing the tear, right?"

Peridot attempted to gather herself and, though still sniffling and wet-eyed, forced herself to focus on the new task at hand, "Of course, you are correct... Pink? I believe that's what Steven called you?" Pink nodded and Peridot continued, "Yes, Pink, you are correct that there is no doubt we will solve this in time... which..." Peridot climbed off the bed and went back to her machines, "...according to the rate of acceleration..." Peridot looked at the gems, "...best case scenario, we have approximately... 7 months at most before Steven..." and she left the sentence there. "Lazuli! We must get all my equipment back home so that I can more thoroughly analyze this data for potential solutions!" Lapis gave Pink/Steven's head a quick peck, then joined Peridot in disconnecting Steven and leaving with their equipment. 

Now that it was just Greg, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl in the room, Pink could feel Steven calming down. Everyone just looked at each other, otherwise unmoving until Pink finally spoke up, "There is still hope. Now that there are so many working on the problem, we are sure to find a solution soon."

"I hope so." Pearl said and sat on the bed to give him a hug.

"Do you want me to switch with Steven?

"No, I'm hugging you. I know you're just as worried and scared as the rest of us, but you're trying to do all you can to help. You're just as much our baby boy as Steven."

"Yeah," said Amethyst, climbing on the bed to join the hugging, "and we've learned through our mistakes that we don't want to forget to let you **both** know how much we love you."

Garnet wrapped her arms around them and added, "Because we're a family and whatever you need, whenever you need it, we are here and ready to help in any way we can."

Awkwardly, the only one standing alone, Greg rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and climbed on the bed, saying, "I guess I thought I only had one son when I actually had twins." And he joined in the hug.

Pink's eyes teared up. He could even feel Steven inside trying his best to send hug vibes to him. "Aw... I never expected..." closing his eyes and leaning more into the hug, he just finished with, "...thank you."

‐------------------------


	4. A Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie finds out about the looming deadline, and not immediately after Steven did, and then she learns a few more things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: suicide attempt  
> Trigger warning: mention of self harm  
> Trigger warning: possible feeling of domestic violence

After lunch, Steven and Pink went back to competing while taking turns on video games. Pink had tried to focus on thinking more toward a solution to the tear issue, but Steven had convinced him he should take a break to give his mind time to marinate on the problem. 

While trying to beat Pink's time in a motorcycle race, Steven said, "I'm sorry I kept you from them for so long. I was being selfish and I regret not giving more priority to your needs."

 _*It's ok. I know all the stress you've been under and it's understandable that you'd want to keep me all for yourself.*_ There was a touch of humor in his 'voice'.

"That's right," Steven went along with this conversation path, "Don't forget you were mine first and I get first dibs on your time. And actually, on the side of trying to be a little selfish, our birthday's next week and they owe you back presents."

_*For last year?*_

"Heck, no, you deserve 16 years of back presents, and that includes from me, so you better start working on a wish list. 

_*Then don't I owe you back presents, too?*_

"Nope, you've kept me safe and healed me a bunch of times and helped me save everyone I love and even helped in my first introduction to Connie... and you've put up with me being a jerk to you..." Steven paused the game, "In fact, we need to start prioritizing more of your needs and wants."

_*That's not necessa-*_

"No, I mean it. What's something you'd want right now if you hadn't needed to share a body with someone?"

_*...I've never really thought about it... I... I don't know...*_

"Well think on it, ok?"

_*Okay*_

\---------

Connie came by after school. Since she wanted more than 40 minutes a day with Steven while he was on bed rest, she'd started sharing dinner instead of lunch but still having both on the weekends. When she entered, Pink was in the middle of an amazing run through tournament mode of Lonely Blade VII where he was demolishing Steven's previous record. Pink paused the game, "Want me to switch with Steven?"

Connie climbed up on the bed from the opposite side of the TV and sat beside them. "No, that's ok. I'm here to visit both of you and I don't want to wreck your flow on what appears to be you dethroning Steven as Lonely Blade champion."

Pink got a little grin and said, "Steven wants you to picture him dropping to his knees and dramatically yelling 'Nnnnooooo!!!' towards the sky."

"Sorry, Steven, records are meant to be broken," Connie then watched Pink do just that. "Impressive, but you know Steven will now make it his life's goal to retake the top spot, don't you?"

Pink gave her a sly smile, "As intended," before swiftly switching with Steven.

"Hey, Berry," Steven gave her a quick kiss of greeting.

"Hey, Biscuit."

"I've been talking to Pink about our birthday coming up. He's never thought about gifts he might want or activities he might like to do and we need to help him learn to think of his own needs and wants instead of caring about mine."

Connie hesitated for a moment at how Steven ended that last sentence. "I don't think we need to teach him not to care about you, but we could help him expand his interests."

Steven was wrapping up and putting away the controllers and video game system. Before sitting back on the bed next to Connie. "Whatever you think we should do," he said and then leaned in for another kiss. Connie obliged but then put her hands on Steven's shoulders to hold him back enough to look in his eyes, "What?"

"You think he should learn to not care about you?"

Steven sighed and sat back, "I just mean he should prepare for the inevitable if we don't fix things in the next seven months."

"Seven months?"

"Oh, I forgot you weren't here for that. Peridot did some scans to determine how long I have left to live if the tear isn't fixed."

"WHAT!?!"

Steven flinched a bit in surprise from the unexpected yelling. Amethyst yelled up the stairs, "Do I need to come up there?"

"Not unless you want to watch me kill Steven," Connie yelled back, which seemed enough for Amethyst to go back to her TV watching downstairs. Steven was visibly nervous at the rage he saw in Connie's eyes as she turned back to look at Steven, "I want to talk to Pink," she bit out and Steven didn't hesitate to retreat and let Pink face the wrath of his beloved warrior woman.

"So... didn't expect to talk again so soon, what-"

Connie placed a finger on Pink's lips to silence him, "Tell me everything that happened today," so Pink obliged and Steven was regretting his earlier decision to not contact Connie immediately after Peridot left.

"Steven hopes you'll understand that he didn't want to interrupt your college prep classes."

"Steven better hope I don't decide on teaching him a new definition of pain," Connie declined Pink's offer to bring back Steven and then, after several deep breaths to slightly lower her rage level, asked, "Is there a way you could shut him in a box in your mind to cut him off from awareness of what's happening?"

"Ummm... maybe?" Pink had never thought about trying that, "I doubt I could if he was in the front, but he's already half suppressed by my being in front." Pink closed his eyes for a moment, "It also helps that he's afraid of you a sufficient amount that he is cooperating with the task." Pink had essentially created a pink shield box in their mind and Steven willingly entered it. Once Pink was sure Steven was sealed off, but in no danger from the method, he opened his eyes. "Steven has effectively been put in a 'time out' and should not be aware of anything outside of it."

Connie had taken that time for more deep breathing and focusing on calming herself down. "Good. Don't let him out unless I tell you to." Her calm mostly restored, she focused on Pink, "You said he was mostly indifferent to the news when he received it?" Pink nodded, so she continued, "Do you think he might be planning something?"

"Planning... something...?"

"Do you get the impression that he intends or doesn't intend to still exist seven months from now?"

Pink's eyes widened as that sparked in him a quick reassessment of the recent past in this new light. Connie patiently waited because another trait that was different in Pink from Steven was that he didn't ever attempt to hide his thoughts or feelings. They were all clearly visible across his borrowed face and she could see that he was thinking. When he finally spoke, "I can't say for certain if he is actively planning anything without my knowledge, but in light of your question, his behaviors of late do point to a change of attitude that seems to suggest him looking toward a future for me that does not include him in it."

"I think he might be planning to hurry the process along." Connie stood up to pace to try to burn up some of the adrenaline that was flooding her system. Facing Pink again, "Are you able to tell when he's lying and do you know if he's ever lied to you?"

Pink didn't need to think about this question, "Yes and only once. There are many factors that go into it, but unless you need those details I can just say that I have 100% accuracy on whether or not he's intentionally lying at any time. And he learned that the one time he tried to lie to me, however," Pink wanted, as he always did, to be as accurate as possible, so added, "there are times, even before he knew of my presence that he has successfully lied to himself and those lies, I can only detect if I have observed things on my own that disprove it."

"That's more than good enough for me. He's promised not to lie to me ever again. Has he kept that promise?"

"Yes, unless you count lies of omission. Mainly where he has known you would not react favorably to something and has then done his best to avoid telling you. An example of which would be when, prior to your witnessing him vomit blood, he stated that in addition to washing his hands that he would likely use the toilet. It was truthful in that he did fully intend to use it, but deceitful in how he intended you to assume he meant for its standard use and not for vomiting in."

"Ok, I can work with this..." her mind was racing with ideas. She paced a bit, "There is still at least a part of him that wants to die. I know he has fears and worries and things that can also affect him, and we'll work on those as they come up, but there is still some underlying drive that is causing him to more actively head in that direction. It could even be part of what fuels the speed of the tear."

"His emotions do have strong affects on our powers, and..." Pink hesitated.

Connie could easily read the conflict on his face and came to sit back on the bed with him. She took one of his hands in hers, "What is it?"

Pink made a decision, "I do not ever want to betray Steven, but... I think I know what might be driving his strongest urges towards self annihilation." Pink looked at Connie with the saddest eyes she'd ever seen, "Would you accept the compromise of, instead of betraying Steven with knowledge gained from our unique relationship, I instead give you a clue that your intelligence will allow you to quickly discover it on your own?"

Connie felt like her heart might literally break if she were to refuse and she hoped neither he nor Steven ever used this power for evil, "Ok," she was gratified to see the relief immediately flooding Pink's face, "let's just hope I'm as intelligent as you believe me to be."

\------

Steven found himself released from containment and thrust to be the primary mind once again.

"You aren't healed up enough for the full punishment and training I've planned for you, but you are well enough that we can lessen some of the future punishment by taking care of it now and your behaviour today has increased the amount of punishment you've earned."

Steven swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew Connie would never truly hurt him intentionally and if she was worried about his present physical health, he could only eliminate the likelihood of a physical punishment, but there were still so many ways she had that she knew would make him suffer.

She was sitting cross legged at the foot of his bed. She faced Steven's similarly cross legged position at the head of the bed. She wasn't close enough to touch him without having to scoot forward, but she was close enough to see the apprehension in his eyes. *Good*, she thought, *This will hopefully remind him how much it hurts us when he keeps vital things from us. She stared at Steven silently for several minutes, watching his unease grow before she finally spoke again and asked the question Pink recommended, "I want you to tell me about when you shattered Jasper."

Steven's eyes widened in shock. Of all the things he might've expected her to say next, that hadn't even been on the list. "Y-you don't r-really want to hear about that. Why would you?"

With no change to her serious expression, she elaborated, "The White Diamond incident," she could see Steven flinch slightly at her name, "showed that you don't talk out things that upset you and let them fester instead. Other than the fact that you shattered her," another involuntary flinch at the word 'shattered', "you have not said what led up to it nor the aftermath and I want to make sure you've properly processed all of that instead of just pushing it deep down to ignore until it inevitably bubbles up later."

_*She has a valid point.*_

"Shut up, Pink," Steven ordered quietly, then looked at Connie. He took a breath to start, but then let it out in a sigh. Hopefully it would be easier once he gained momentum, but just starting seemed like that long, slow climb up the first hill on a roller coaster. 

"The gems were scolding me about how I might've got dad hurt during the van crash. I didn't want to deal with it so I left and went to see Jasper because I figured it was the last place anyone would think to look if they decided to look for me."

"She thought I'd come for a rematch but I eventually agreed that if she'd train me on how she dealt with her anger, and help me practice better control of my powers, that I'd give her a rematch."

"You went to Jasper... for anger management?"

Looking a little defensive, Steven said, "It made sense to me at the time." Steven broke eye contact and focused on picking at a string on his shorts as he continued, "Training mostly involved punching things, like trees and boulders and also trying to create stronger and stronger shield segments. After a few days, I felt strong enough and in control enough to give her the promised rematch."

Steven paused to take a few steadying breaths as he got to where it was harder for him to talk about, "She smacked me around a bit, and called me weak and... I got really angry and fought harder. I started to loosen up my restraint and was flying. It was such a rush. It was exhilarating to let loose more and more and Jasper was encouraging more as she finally felt it was a worthwhile fight."

"She was laughing from how fun it was to fight and I was feeling the greatest I've ever felt, flowing with power and high on the rush of really going for it and she accused me of holding back still."

****I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.****

_*You're almost done*_

****I can't admit that to her. I can't.****

"I agreed that I'd been holding back and let loose a much stronger attack and that did it and I was so high on the rush that..." Steven's voice was getting a bit more broken with emotion and Connie had to restrain herself from comforting him. Reminding herself that this was also a punishment to make him understand how bad he made them feel by keeping so much secret. Steven was staring down at his crossed legs, almost like he was trying to curl himself into them as he continued, "I didn't notice at first and then, even when I did..." Tears were dropping from his eyes and splashing on his legs, his voice barely above a whisper, "I didn't care." Steven caught himself and took a breathe and rushed to add, "but then I realised how bad it was and gathered her up and rushed back here to use all the diamond waters to heal her." Steven looked at Connie then.

Connie had noticed the earlier pause, and the way Steven rushed through the last bit had her suspicious. "There's still something you're keeping from me. What is it? I'm not letting you off the hook until you tell me."

Steven couldn't look at her. "You won't love me any more if I do."

"You don't know that."

"I do... I... you don't know how... how terrible and sick I can be..."

Connie softened her tone, "There's nothing you can tell me that would make me stop loving you."

"I can't let myself believe that. Y-you might wonder about what Pink was doing during all of it or think he was in agreement with it, but he wasn't. He was trying constantly to get me to stop or slow down, but I was still able to ignore him somewhat then..." 

Steven was bent forward, looking down while his arms were wrapped around his stomach. "I'm the one that... that got a rush from everything. I'm the one that... I mean I was high on Pink's power but, it was me that... enjoyed it. I loved the rush from not holding back and seeing the damage I could cause." Tears were falling from his eyes to drop onto his crossed legs. "I... I can't even claim it was an accident. I pinned her in place and dropped a giant spiked wall directly to her face. It was me and I liked what I saw. **I** didn't want to come down from the high. **I** wanted to do more damage and I would've kept going."

He lifted his shirt, gesturing to his gem, "It was **Pink** that sobered me." Steven's breath was growing more ragged. Steven clenched his hands into fists as he pushed himself to continue, "Pink had been saying things, trying to get me to listen, to calm down before it was too late, but I was tuning him out. He finally managed to push through after I'd..." tears were flowing freely, "after... Jasper, and he was able to get more control. He knew I'd regret things and he pulled back the power so I'd realize what I'd done. What I was becoming." Steven shuddered at the memory and how out of control and crazy he'd been. 

"He's all the good. He's the one you should love. All the bad comes from me. Everything good about Steven Universe is him; the patience, kindness, compassion, intelligence, optimism, everything good is him. And I'm just the organic waste he's stuck in. His power might've turned us into looking like a monster but it's because of me truly being one."

Steven's hand reached down to grip the gem in his abdomen. "He shouldn't be tainted with being attached to me anymore. If he needs a human part to feel whole, maybe he can fuse with you."

Steven's arm glowed pink as Pink tried to take control to stop Steven but his weakened link limited his ability to force control. Garnet's timely appearance to add her hand to hold Steven's down was what stalled the action, but still Steven tried to pull.

"It's for the best. You can't stop me. I'll succeed eventually. I'll-"

Steven's arm suddenly relaxed. Garnet and Connie looked to Steven's face to see it glowing pink with Pink's distinctive eyes showing he was now in control. 

"Steven is sleeping. I could not overpower him, but I managed to divert blood flow sufficiently to render him unconscious. We must quickly decide on what to do because I doubt I will be able to hold control for very long once he wakes."

\----------

Steven woke up to find himself sitting on Garnet's lap with his arms pinned to his sides by Garnet's arms wrapped around him. He initially struggled even though he knew he stood no chance. "What? Why won't you let me move?!"

Garnet spoke first, "We can't risk you removing your gem."

"It's my body and my gem so I should be able to do what I want with either," he'd given up physically struggling for the time being as he couldn't access any powers and, even if he had been in good health, his human strength stood no chance against Garnet. He slumped against Garnet, defeatedly saying, "I'm... I'm a sh-" Come on Steven, you can push the word out. They already know how horrible you are, just remind them, "...a sh-shatterer! And not by accident and didn't regret it and ENJOYED it." Once he'd gotten over the hurdle of that first word, more words just flooded out of him as he reiterated how obvious and important it was for them to understand that he was garbage. "And there's no way you can say you don't hate me for it!" A brief additional moments pointlessly struggling again to accent his words.

"Steven," Connie knelt down beside Garnet, facing Steven, but he wouldn't look at her. "We don't hate you. Can't you accept that we'll always love you? That's what unconditional love is. It can't be removed or negated. It just is."

Steven admitedly didn't have much practice in being evil or purposefully cruel, and it was harder to elicit from himself without the high from full gem powers, but he tried his best. "I looked at Jasper in shards and was pleased with my work! I fantasize about grinding White Diamond into dust and scattering her in space!" He knew he just had to say enough to get them to realize how disgusting he was and then they would agree that he should die.

Connie knew Steven well enough that she looked past his words and read his face. She could see the tears he was fighting to hold in, the way he clenched his jaw, the way his fingernails dug into the palms of his hands. He was trying to sound like he was proud of himself; that he was evil. But all signs read of someone ashamed and drowning in guilt.

"Steven," Connie reached out and wiped a tear out of the corner of Steven's eye, causing him to look at her. Connie could see hurt in Steven's eyes. There was anger, too but it was a thin veneer trying to hide the pain beneath it. His eyes begged for her to hate him. "Steven, if you were as evil as you're trying to make me believe, you wouldn't care if I believed. And you wouldn't be trying to die for it."

"Garnet can't restrain me forever."

"Challenge accepted," was all Garnet added to the conversation at the moment. She could see that Connie was handling things and knew Pink was backing her up.

_*Steven, I'm not leaving you.*_

"If I pull you out, you can't just pop back in!"

Not being an idiot, Connie knew if Steven seemed to be answering something that she didn't hear anyone say, that he was talking to Pink. 

_*Actually, that's exactly what I could do, and you'd be too weak to stop me.*_

"Then I could just do it again."

_*Why do you think I would want to be with someone else?*_

"Because, just like Connie, you can do much better."

_*I told you I love you.*_

"And I told you that you have Stockholm Syndrome. You just think that because you've been trapped with me."

_*Why do you want to die?*_

"Because I deserve to die!" A sob caught in Steven's throat. Steven tilted his head down as much as he could in his current position. "I can't live with it. And you shouldn't be attached to a monster."

"Steven," Connie hugged Steven just under where Garnet was holding him. Being a diligent student, who always seemed ready to add more to her load, she'd been reading up on PTSD, depression and childhood trauma psychology whenever she could fit it into her schedule. "You have damage that's occurred to you over the years. Trauma on top of trauma and that's gonna leave scars on your psyche just as much as the physical injuries to your body. And that damage can affect your judgment and skew how you see things. We're not going to say that what you did was right. We won't even say that it's not horrifying, but we know it's a symptom of your illness and not on your value as a person."

_*You'll have to eventually accept that we mean it when we say you're stuck with us.*_

"No, you'll realize that you're all better off without me. It's just a matter of time."

_*So you're just trying to preemptively die now to save us the trouble of hating you later?*_

"You'll still end up hating me, but I deserve to suffer and die and the world will be better without me in it."

"What's your basis for thinking that?" Connie couldn't help but ask while internally Pink asked the same."

 ****Because when I think of Jasper in shards, I don't feel revulsion... I feel...**** tears started streaming down Steven's face and Pink could feel the pain it caused Steven to even just admit it to him, ****...I feel glad satisfaction...****

Connie could tell from his expression that Steven was "talking" internally with Pink. "Are you going to share your answer with the rest of us?"

****Please don't make me tell them that. I'll promise not to hurt myself before the end of our birthday if you don't make me let them know that.****

_*Let me switch to front for a few minutes*_

"Ok, Pink" Steven answered out loud and then Steven's body took on the pink glow. 

"I asked to switch for a moment to talk to the two of you," Pink explained, "Steven is willing to promise not to do anything to harm himself before the day after our birthday if he doesn't have to answer that question."

"What does that promise gain us?" Connie asked. 

"It gives us a week to convince him to renew the promise for longer and also to work with him on his issues without risk of him removing me or hurting himself."

"And you trust he'd keep his promise?" Connie asked. 

"We've never broken a promise to each other."

Connie looked at Garnet, "Garnet, what do you think?"

Garnet replied, "I'm willing to agree to those terms if Pink and you think we should."

Connie thought for a moment, then nodded to Pink, who replied by speaking aloud to Steven, "So, Steven, you promise that you will not hurt yourself, including by removing me, for at least as long as until after our birthday?" There was a pause, then Pink said it was safe to stop restraining Steven and the pink glow faded as they switched places again. Garnet loosened her hold and Steven just leaned against her and looked at Connie. "The Jasper... stuff... um... that's the worst thing I've ever done." He took a couple steadying breaths, "Do you really still love me?"

Connie reached up and gave him a gentle, sweet kiss and then looked deeply into his eyes and said, "I do. Forever."

He was still leaning into Garnet, and her arms remained loosely around him. He was afraid to look at her. He was afraid to ask, but at the same time he felt he really needed to hear her say if she still loved him. "G...Garnet..." he was still facing Connie but looking down, "...d-do you..." He couldn't ask. He couldn't continue the sentence. He knew she hadn't shoved him off her lap in disgust but she also hadn't spoken. He had to try again, "Can... y-you ever..." tears running down his face as he forced himself to finish, "...l-love me again?" And he braced for her response. 

Garnet removed her arms from around Steven and he stiffened as he waited to feel her shove him away because she hated him. Then one hand went to his waist and the other to his head as she pulled him into a tight hug and kissed the top of his head, "Steven, I'm not happy about what you did, but like Connie said, I will never stop loving you." And then the three of them all hugged and cried. 

\----------------------------------

Connie called her mom to ask to stay the night at Steven's and when her mom was thinking it would be like giving her permission to have sex, Connie explained about the scan and looming deadline of the tear and, most importantly, that Steven had essentially attempted suicide and she wanted to help keep watch on him. Dr. Maheswaren said she'd call Dr Hashman and update him. And she gave permission for Connie to stay over.

Garnet kept Steven on her lap, in a hug, until he fell asleep and then she put Steven in bed and sat in a chair, watching him. It's not that anyone didn't trust Pink's assessment, but more a worry that something might suddenly shift and change things.

Connie climbed into bed with Steven and snuggled up to his sleeping form. Only then did Garnet feel secure to leave the room to go have a meeting with everyone below, who'd been listening via the baby monitor, about the current situation. 

Steven didn't wake, but his dreams improved significantly with Connie's presence. 

\---------

Steven woke feeling better than he expected to. He was pretty sure it was due to the still sleeping form snuggled up to his back, though Pink was suggesting it was because of 'catharsis'.

****No, that part's still horrible. I don't know how I can ever expect to face anybody now.****

_*How can you say that after everything that was said last night?*_

****Maybe it's true that they still love me... maybe... but even if that's true, they could be so disgusted by me that they don't want to deal with me anymore.****

_*You think after everything you've been through together that they'd give up on you now?*_

****It would be easy. They don't need me any more. They've got their own lives... and they're better off if I'm not in them. ****

_*Steven...*_ Pink found himself unsure of what to say.

"Steven? Are you awake yet?" Steven opened his eyes to see Pearl standing there in front of him, back-lit by the light from the sliding glass doors, she looked like a black specter.

The contrast between hearing Pearl's voice and opening his eyes to a large shadowy figure was jolting enough that the last traces of sleep were dispersed and Steven quickly sat up.

Connie groaned in protest as her living body pillow left her arms. Rubbing her eyes, she looked past Steven to see shadow-Pearl. "Ack!" She sat up, too, "Oh, Pearl, it's you," Connie giggled, "You look so intimidating standing there with the light behind you like that."

Pearl glanced behind herself, then turned back and said, "I wasn't trying to startle anyone. Steven, I was coming up here to tell you that Dr Hashman is here and wants to talk to you."

"Does he have a net and one of those shirts for crazy people?" Steven asked dejectedly. 

Connie put a hand on Steven's arm, "That's not funny."

"I wasn't suggesting it was," Steven took Connie's hand and kissed it, "Just asking if this is the part where I get locked up someplace for crazy people."

"Nobody's locking you up anywhere unless it's over my dead body," Connie declared and hugged him.

Steven didn't try to push Connie away, but turned to Pearl and asked, "Is he coming up here or do I have to go down there?"

"We figured we'd just have him come up here since you're still supposed to be on bedrest. Connie and I will leave and I'll turn off the baby monitor."

Connie started to loosen her hug and Steven stopped her, but spoke to Pearl, "She can stay if she wants to, and you can even leave the baby monitor on so you can listen with everyone downstairs. I don't care. You all already know the worst thing about me so what's the point?" His voice had a dispassionate tone. 

"Um..." Pearl was unsure what to do at this point. Connie resumed her hug, not liking how Steven had said it, but since he had, she was determined to keep an eye on him as much as possible. 

"That's okay, Pearl. I'll take things from here," Dr Hashman said as he came up the stairs, proving that those below were currently already listening in on the baby monitor. "Hello, Steven, and you must be Connie. I'm glad to finally meet you." He reached past Steven to shake Connie's hand then brought the chair in the room to roughly where Pearl had been standing and sat down. "So, I've heard lots of things have happened since I last saw you."

"Yeah," Steven replied as he just stared at nothing in front of himself, "I'm wondering if maybe someone could bring me a bowl or a bucket or something in case I throw up."

"Do you expect you'll vomit?" Dr Hashman asked as Pearl quickly ran up with a mixing bowl and handed it to Steven.

"Thank you, Pearl," Steven said and Pearl quickly made her way back downstairs, then addressing Dr Hashman, but still not turning to face him, Steven answered his question, "I don't know, but I have a nauseated feeling and the pain in my stomach feels slightly more pronounced. Don't want to risk making a mess."

"That's very considerate of you, Steven."

"And that reminds me of a question I wanted to ask you. I've been thinking about what I should be called and I don't think it should be Steven."

Dr Hashman wasn't expecting that, "And why is that?"

"Steven Universe is a fusion of gem and organic. The gem half is called Pink, though he could pick himself a better name if he wants, and I'm just the organic half of the fusion. I shouldn't go by the name of the whole. It'd be like if Garnet called herself Ruby, then you'd have to always clarify if you meant Ruby the gem or Ruby the fusion."

Connie squeezed Steven, "You are Steven." 

"Pink is just as much Steven Universe as I am."

_*You're the heart and soul of Steven Universe, I'm just the powers.*_

"Then maybe you should take over that part because the heart and soul of Steven Universe shouldn't enjoy sh-... things I've enjoyed. It's ironic that the only reason Jasper has any respect for us now is because I did the most diamond thing possible, and yet it was something this actual diamond would never have done. It just came from the organic clinging to you for life." Dr Hashman didn't interrupt because Steven's voice was being steadily more emotional and that was better than the numb, dispassionate way Steven had started talking. "And actually I was wrong, we're not a fusion, you're a good person and I'm the parasite that feeds off of you!" Steven's hands clenched into fists as he restrained himself from removing Pink from being further tainted by himself because he promised, and he would not break his promise to Pink.

"Steven!" Connie shook Steven, "Please! You're not any of the things you call yourself. Why can't you accept that?"

Steven looked at Connie, then pulled her head closer and kissed her forehead. He then got the look he got when listening to Pink. Now that she knew what to look for she was surprised they didn't notice sooner that he had another voice in his head. "I'm not going to do that.... Because Spinel was right.... You can't fix things by singing some stupid song!... Oh, 2 songs, well of course that's totally different. I'm sure that will fix everything." Connie didn't like hearing how sarcastic Steven was sounding. Steven turned to Dr Hashman, "Pink is under the delusion that this is the perfect time for me to work on my exposure therapy."

"He is? From your side of the conversation, it sounds like it was going to be singing?"

"The plan was to sing a couple songs, that I didn't write, in front of a very small group to see if I can focus on the music instead of freaking out from people paying attention to me."

"Just any couple songs?" Dr Hashman asked. 

"A couple songs I picked to start where I'm trying different types of music to see if I'm any good at any of them, eventually for larger and larger groups and farther and farther from the types of music I'm more accustomed to. But you didn't come here to listen to me sing."

"If Pink thinks it would help, I think you should do it."

"Don't gloat, you dick! I didn't say I'd do it and you can't make me!" Everyone knew he was talking to Pink. "No you won't!...That's not fair!...You are such a dick!" There was some under the breath muttering about wanting to punch his face and then, "Fine, but you have to switch with me after and deal with the talking... Is that a promise? Fine! Connie, could you grab my guitar, please." The difference in tone for the last sentence was miles away from the previous ones. Steven accepted his guitar and Connie settled back down next to him, then Steven yelled, "Dad, Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst come up here and if anybody else is in the house they stay downstairs and I don't want to know they exist right now."

The requested entered his bedroom, trying not to get too close in case that might make him more nervous. He could see them out of the corner of his eye but didn't look at them. "Why?... you are turning into such a control freak... Yeah, I'll do that so shut up, you dick." Irritated sigh and then Steven addressed the people not living inside his head, but looking down at his guitar and not at any of the people, "The Pink Dictator has decreed the order I play the 2 songs in, so the first one doesn't require my guitar, but I'm going to go ahead and hold onto it so I'm ready for the second song."

_*You mean to use as a shield to protect yourself.*_

"Pink, I do not have the words to express how much shutting up you need to do right now if you want me to go through with this... Thank you."

Steven, even to himself, had said the songs weren't significant and were just different types of songs, but he couldn't help that he was accustomed to singing things that related to what he was feeling. So even if not aware of that being the reason he chose specific songs, they still touched emotions he was trying to keep buried.

The first song, he sang a capella "Human” by Rag’n’Bone Man, and he introduced the song as such before starting. (Which can be listened to in its entirety here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wKzyIN1yk if you Google lyrics followed by the song name and then artist name, to read the lyrics) 

Steven tapped on his guitar to be the beat for the song. 

Without looking at anyone still, he introduced the next song, "Whataya Want From Me” by Adam Lambert (You can listen to the song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo )

Purposely avoiding looking at his audience meant all he could focus on was the words he was singing and that allowed the feelings to flow and not only made his renditions that much more impactful to the room, but also more impactful on himself. 

Steven had tears in his eyes, ****Are you ready to switch?****

_*Later*_

"You said you'd switch after! You promised!"

_*I didn't say how long after.*_

"Stupid technicality. You are such a dick. If I could, I would punch you right in the face right now."

_*Then just punch yourself in the face. It hurts me when you get hurt.*_

"It does? You mean like emotionally?"

_*That, too, but I mean physically.*_

"Wait, like actual pain? ...So when I..."

_*When you beat your legs, yeah, I felt the pain, too.*_

"I didn't know that."

_*I know you didn't.*_

"You should've told me I was hurting you. I don't want you to hurt."

_*Then don't leave me.*_

"Why do you want that if I hurt you?"

_*Because, now that you know, you can stop doing it.*_

Steven crossed his arms on top of his guitar and rested his head on them. "That's not fair." Tears were wetting his arms as he thought, Just one more person to add to the pile of people I've hurt. "You should've told me."

_*Maybe now you understand how they feel when you keep stuff from them.*_

"That's different, they weren't beating me," Steven said.

Connie put her arms around Steven and rested her head against his, "Who was beating you?" 

Steven felt a chill run up his spine when he realized he'd been talking to Pink out loud. He straightened up, eyes still wet with tears and avoiding hers as he hastily said, "I said they weren't beating me."

"Right," Connie agreed as she took the guitar off his lap and set it aside and then took its place on his lap, with a leg knelt on either side of Steven's legs. Steven's hands hovered out to the sides, as he didn't know where to put them. Connie put her hands on either side of Steven's face and held there to force him to face her. "And you were apologizing to Pink..."

Steven valiantly tried to think of something, but he was pretty sure Connie was intentionally squirming on his lap just a tiny bit and it was enough to make his body uncooperative in efficient thinking. "Steven..."

_*Just accept defeat.*_

"Sigh, you two really should fuse... you're already teaming up against me..." It's really conflicting when you are sad, angry, nervous and feeling guilty while your body is in a much happier mood. "And you both cheat to win..."

"Steven..."

"I..." Steven had to meet her eyes because when he tried to close them his body was more difficult to ignore, "...I sometimes... get angry or frustrated or whatever and..." It really wasn't fair: no powers, gained up on, feminine wiles and an inside man. "...and I need to punch something, so I... I punch my legs as hard as I can until I tire myself out, but I've been trying not to do it as much recently so that I wouldn't have to explain the bruises... because Pink couldn't heal... the... bruises..." a thought occurred to Steven, his hands reached down and grabbed the comforter as they clenched into fists, "...the tear hasn't reached my legs yet! You stopped healing them on purpose!" 

_*I never lied. You just assumed.*_

Fear and worry at how close a very angry Connie was clashed with anger and outrage at Pink deceiving him, and using the very types of loopholes he used himself.

Steven's worry about Connie was winning out over outrage at Pink because being pissed at Pink about things had grown a lot more commonplace than having Connie mad at him. He was much more accustomed to trying to avoid and negate making her anything but happy. He unclenched his fists and put his hands around Connie's wrists as she was now squeezing his head between her hands. He didn't try to pull them back yet, just lightly held them in reflexive self defense, "Connie, please don't be mad about that. It helps me feel better. You don't want me to hit other people, right? And it's wrong to destroy property so I only had my consenting self left and I've been doing it for so long, I don't always know I'm even doing it until halfway through... so if you could maybe not crush my skull..."

"Connie," Dr Hashman finally spoke again, "remember that he has an illness and these coping mechanisms formed over an extended period of time full of trauma."

****I don't suppose you'd be willing to swap to prevent our head being caved in.****

_*Hmmm...I suppose I can help with that.*_ Connie noted the pink hue coming to Steven's skin and eyes, as well as a much less worried/guilty/intimidated expression on his face. "So, Connie, maybe you could take a couple deep breaths and remember that if you kill Steven, it would be really inconvenient for me." He gave her a smug smile, "Though the way I look without the meat suit is much more attractive, so I suppose you might call it a win for you."

Connie took her hands off Pink/Steven's head and left them slightly lowered with Pink still lightly holding her wrists. "Don't you just look like Steven?"

"Only sort of. Once I became sentient, I could tweak my appearance the same as any gem, so I still look like Steven, but if Steven was hot," he smirked, "taller, muscular, better hair. I'm a total treat to look at, if only you could see..." Pink made a face to suggest he was pitying her for not having that option. As planned, Connie's anger was dissolved by the distraction. Pink was very good at being a dick for the greater good. 

Dr Hashman, "That was very skillfully done, Pink."

Pink grinned, "Thank you, Doctor."

Realizing she'd been distracted, Connie yanked her wrists out of Pink's grip, "Steven's right about one thing, you definitely can be a dick," and she got off the bed to stand by the others, then said, "Bring back Steven and I promise not to hurt him."

The Pink glow faded and Steven hugged his legs to himself, seeming not sure of where was best to look, he settled on staring at the part of the bed directly in front of himself. 

Connie came back and sat on the bed in front of Steven, she reached a hand towards him, but when he cringed back slightly, she hesitated. Steven quietly spoke, "Just tell me what you want me to be, and I'll do my best to be it."

"Steven..."

Greg came and sat on the other side of the bed, "Steven, we just want you to be yourself."

Steven looked at his father and quietly responded, "But I don't know who that is."

Everyone was silent, absorbing that and unsure of what to say, except Dr Hashman, "Well, then that would be a great goal to aim for. Perhaps everyone could leave the room and Steven, Pink and I can have a conversation."

Everyone filed out, including Connie, then Steven and Dr Hashman looked at each other. Steven slightly loosened his hold on his legs. "Am I the most defective person you've ever been asked to fix?"

"Well, you don't even qualify for that question because you are not defective, you are just suffering the effects of trauma. But let's refresh a couple things just to bring some order to the day." Steven didn't bring any objection, so Dr H continued, "The original reason I was called is because you tried to remove Pink from your body last night and I'm told such an action is expected to likely kill you." Steven remained still so the doctor continued, "then you mentioned wanting to change your name because you say you are only half of Steven Universe, then you sang a couple songs based on Pink's suggestion, you found out you've inadvertantly been hurting Pink through a coping mechanism of self harm and you're not sure who you are any more."

"How'd you remember all that?"

Dr Hashman held up his notepad, "We therapists get skilled at quick notes so we can go back to things instead of interrupting the flow of conversation."

"You forgot something still," when Dr H gave him an inquisitive look, Steven continued, "Connie finally reached her limit."

"I'm sure she was just trying to process a lot of new information at once."

"Nobody wants to talk to you right now, you stupid, glitzy bauble."

"Steven, that's rather harsh-"

"He called me a meat suit!"

"Well, yes but-"

"I don't care what you meant!... Meat puppet!? Puppet's worse!... You know why... because she turned them into puppets so I hate puppets!"

"Who turned who into puppets?"

"I'm not talking about it. You can find out from Connie or Pink."

"Do you want to talk about why you chose the songs you did?"

Arms and legs crossed, "I liked how they sounded."

"And no deeper meaning than that?" Steven just looked away. "How about the hitting yourself?"

"It's not a big deal."

"Your family doesn't agree. I know you weren't looking at them at the time, but if you had been, you'd have seen how horrified they were by the news."

"They don't understand. It's just physical pain. It's easy to cope with because I'm used to it. Or maybe they just don't like how much I need to hit something. I'm not supposed to be violent. I'm supposed to be nice and patient and gentle and kind no matter what anyone does to me. I don't know why I'm the only one not allowed to hurt me." He sounded dejected. 

"Nobody should be allowed to hurt you," Dr Hashman said gently.

Steven frowned and grabbed one of his pillows and hugged it to himself. "That's not been my experience." Steven changed the subject, "Earlier, I mentioned Jasper. She's the one that I... that I almost permanently killed. The only reason she's not dead is Pink, combined with the other diamond essences, was able to heal her. If not for his ability, she'd be dead and I'd have no wiggle room on determining whether or not I'm a murderer. I'm at least an attempted murderer, because I'm pretty sure the attempt still counts regardless of whether I regret it or tried to save her after or whatever, so, are you sure you want to try to help an attempted murderer?"

"I have to admit that everything else that I know about you from others, as well as my own observations, has me still surprised at something so seemingly out of character"

"I am pretty sure that I'm evil," Steven said quietly. 

"I very much doubt that."

"I tried to kill someone and I **enjoyed** it and, though I feel guilt and shame and regret and so many other things that add to how much I hate myself, the worst of them is that the memory of her in pieces... it's not a bad memory. If I was to use one word to describe that image in my head, it would be... satisfaction. And that's not what that memory should elicit. I shouldn't feel satisfaction at finally shutting her up about me being weak and pathetic and a loser and for getting her back for all the times she hurt me. I know it's disgusting, that I'm disgusting and sick and terrible and evil to feel that way." Steven just held the pillow and stared at nothing while tears streamed down his face. ****Please, please, please can that be enough for now? Can I please be done?****

Steven's body took on the familiar glow and Pink said, "Steven is resting. He admitted all that to get me to seal him in a box that cuts him off completely from seeing or hearing anything."

"Do you think that's the best thing for him right now?"

"Probably not, but he pretty much just ripped his heart out of his body and shredded it to be as honest as he could about the number one thing he hates the most about himself and I..." the tears hadn't stopped with the switch. Pink did his best to hold together, but, "...I couldn't take it any more. The pain he's in isn't my own but to see him in such pain, to feel him suffering so much... I couldn't take it any more and he needs me to be strong for him..." Pink bent his face down into the pillow and his shoulders began to shake as silent sobs wracked through him.

Connie raced up the stairs in the meantime and got on the bed and wrapped her arms around Pink while he continued to quietly sob into the pillow he held.

Dr Hashman stood, placed a momentary comforting hand on Pink's shoulder and then went downstairs. He said they would need to keep an eye on them and that he would be clearing his schedule for the week and would be back the next day. "Make sure they eat something and get a good night's rest."

\------

Steven wanted to stay in the void. He imagined maybe it was what death was like if it wasn't just ceasing to exist entirely. He supposed he'd eventually get lonely and he knew he'd prefer the void if it included at least Pink with him, but for a temporary stay, alone was also blissfully fine. He owed it to a pissed off Connie that they even figured out how to do this and he had come out of it to a 'punishment' where he would've much rather have preferred if it could've been 'grounding' him to stay in this room.

There was no having to be strong here. There was no failing to live up to's in here. He didn't have to hear about how this or that person was disappointed in him here. He didn't have to fix or change anything or anyone here. He could just 'be' with no demands or expectations or failures or needing to wear a fake exterior to hide what was inside. It was a vacation from being Steven Universe. It was a vacation from 'being'.

And like all vacations, it was over too soon.

_*Hey*_

Steven found himself back in himself but not yet in front again. The second best place to be. ****Hey... I wish I could hug you. I don't want you separate from me for you to go away, but I wish you were able to hug me and be hugged by me in real life.**** The non corporeal equivalent of tear filled eyes looked at Pink's avatar as he 'spoke'.

_*I'd like that, too. It's like the difference in spending time with Connie and being Stevonnie with her. Both have different pros and cons.*_

****Yeah. Thank you for the break. I finally understand people who go to sensory deprivation places. It's nice to take an existence pause. If you ever need that, we'll need to figure out a way I can do that for you.****

_*We're in bed right now. Connie's with us - and she's not mad or scary any more*_ Pink was quick to add.

****Sleep doesn't sound like the worst idea right now.****

_*So, do you think you can handle up front now?*_

****Yeah, I can do laying in bed and being snuggled to sleep. Thank you for handling whatever harder parts were between where I left and to get us there.****

Steven found himself exhausted, laying beside a sleeping Connie in bed and already drifting into sleep.

_*Sweet dreams, Steven.*_


	5. New Ties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some bonds grow stronger.

Steven opened his eyes and found a pair of big, beautiful dark eyes looking back at him. She looked like she was studying him. He'd seen that look in Connie's eyes before, though never directed at himself. It was the look she'd get when she had made a decision that a problem wasn't hopeless and that she was determined to meet whatever the challenge was. She'd get it sometimes when having trouble absorbing a section of her study materials, or when having trouble mastering some new fighting technique introduced by Pearl. He wondered if she'd decided he was her next project. He wondered how he felt if she did.

"Morning," she said to him and he realized he'd just been staring at her for awhile. 

He blushed slightly, "Morning. It's really nice to wake up with you here."

"Agreed," she smiled and reached a hand out to brush a lock of his hair back, "Did you sleep okay?"

"I think you must be a good dream charm because I've slept better than usual these last two nights."

"Perhaps," she smiled, then added, "hopefully you also feel a lightening of the load you've been trying to carry solo."

He didn't know what to say to that, so instead he sat up, a sniff to confirm and said, "One of the nice things about having a family member who sees the future is them knowing exactly when breakfast should be started."

Connie sniffed the air similarly, "You're right, that is convenient," she then reached over and took his hands into hers, and kissed one of his hands and said, "I want to apologize for how I reacted yesterday. It was a lot to process and that doesn't excuse it but just so you understand that it was wrong of me and I'm going to work harder at being supportive. And one very important thing is I need you to promise you'll stop hitting yourself."

Steven bowed his head. "If I promise to stop, I'd be lying." He rushed to explain however, worried she'd get mad, "I can promise to try and I have been trying for months now but, like I said yesterday, I still have times where I do it without realizing it right away and so I don't want to lie."

Connie hesitated a moment that Steven was sure aged him 50 years, before speaking, "I'll accept that. I don't want you to feel like you need to lie or keep things from me to keep the peace."

Steven resumed the breathing he hadn't realized he'd stopped, "Thank you."

"Can I get first dibs on the bathroom?"

"Go for it," Steven replied. He picked up his guitar and sat back on the bed. Just strummed randomly a bit and then tried playing without singing as he practiced a song on his list of songs to try to perform. 

Connie came back halfway through the song. She waited for the song to end and then offered to be Steven's stairway helper so he could get down to the bathroom. After the bathroom, he went and sat at the kitchen counter. He kept his eyes aimed towards the counter and when Pearl placed breakfast in front of him, he thanked her, but didn't look up at her. As Connie sat on the stool beside him and ate breakfast as well, Steven just kept his eyes on his plate and quietly ate. 

Without looking around, Steven had been able to tell through peripheral vision that his dad was sitting on the cot that had been set up in the living room for his dad to stay closer since Steven's attempt at removing his gem. Garnet and Amethyst were sitting on the couch and Dr Hashman was not yet there. The TV wasn't on and nobody was talking, making Steven painfully aware that everyone was essentially just focused on watching him eat. He had started with a general unease that was growing threads of nervousness that were multiplying with each bite.

****What should I do?****

_*You don't need to do anything except eat your breakfast and drink your juice, but if you want to do more to improve the tension in the room, you'd probably put their minds more at ease if you spoke or actually looked at anyone.*_

****I've told them, and then reiterated yesterday, that I'm a disgu-****

_*No. You're not disgusting. And they are not disgusted with you. They are just worr-*_

****Worried I'll shatter them and enjoy it?**** Even in his head, Steven found himself slightly flinching at that word. He hoped nobody noticed, but knew it was unlikely given the high scrutiny he felt under. 

_*They know you'd never hurt any of them.*_

****Do they?**** Steven asked Pink while unintentionally looking at, and making eye contact with, Pearl as he did. Before he could hastily look away, he read the emotions in Pearl's eyes. Worry, deep worry, swirling with guilt, a touch of fear, and... pain. He couldn't let her stay in pain. Not because of him. He tried a small smile as he maintained that accidental eye contact and said, "Pearl, you've become such a good cook in such a short time, that I don't think I could make a more delicious tofu scramble. Especially with the dietary limitations for my stomach recovery," and he went back to eating. 

Pearl eagerly supplied, "Well, it all comes down to creative application of complimentary flavors and applying varying cooking techniques." The tension level of the room dropped dramatically at that point and everyone seemed to remember to start breathing again. 

_*Good job.*_

Steven sat a little straighter for the rest of breakfast.

\---------

Once Steven was back settled in bed, Connie alongside him with a textbook, he tooled around on his guitar, tuning and just strumming random snippets of songs until Dr Hashman arrived. Steven had only made eye contact with Connie and Pearl. He hadn't made eye contact with Garnet since the gem removal attempt. 

Dr H grabbed the chair and settled himself into the same spot as the day before, notepad on his lap, and leaned forward to ask, "How are the two of you this morning?"

"I had a thought," Steven kept fiddling with the guitar on his lap while he spoke, "some of the stuff I experienced, Connie went through, too. Maybe she should have therapy, too."

Connie had closed her book and set it aside when the doctor entered. Now she looked at Steven, offended, "Steven, I'm fine," she saw his lip twitch at that, "and when I say that I really mean it."

"I meant it when I said it, too. It just turned out that my definition of fine didn't match the rest of you."

"Steven, why do you think Connie might need therapy? Is it really just the shared experiences?"

Less nervous when he wasn't having to talk about himself, Steven looked at the doctor, "Not only that but she went through them while over a year younger than me, plus she had to be the strong one several times, including fighting in life and death situations and all while taking an insane amount of regular school plus cram school plus sword training, tennis training, violin lessons..." he let himself trail off to cover the implication of any additional things he might be forgetting in the moment. "She says I put a lot of pressure on myself but I feel like a slacker in comparison to her. Maybe she needs an independent opinion on her load and mental health so that she doesn't burn out or end up as bad as me."

"You think I'll snap and start killing people?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, but she immediately clamped a hand over her mouth and then started stammering, "I-I'm sorry Steven, I'm not suggesting that y-you..."

"It's fine," Steven replied in a monotone voice, keeping himself facing straight ahead, gaze unfocused.

"Steven, it's okay if you are upset," commented the doctor.

"She's not wrong. I doubt she'd start hurting people. I'm probably wrong to suggest she might benefit from therapy."

"You're not, though. I probably should make sure I'm not overworking myself and I don't want burnout. Maybe some of my keeping busy is so that I can't stop and think about things," Connie had started out in more of an apologetic, placating tone but morphed into more of a 'considering it for the first time' tone. 

"There is potential that perhaps Connie would benefit from seeing me or someone else in my field, and I'm more than willing to talk to Connie and her parents about that at another time, but for right now, we want to focus on you."

Steven replied with a monotone, "Whatever you prefer," and continued staring ahead, "I suppose we could talk more about me killing Jasper or how I still want to kill White Diamond, even if I'm not planning to actually do it."

"Jasper is still alive. You didn't kill her!"

"No, I thought about it and you were right a minute ago. Just because she was lucky enough that there was a way to revive her, I still killed her first for her to be revived from," Steven was still speaking with a monotone voice. 

_*Steven, you're worrying me. I'm not feeling anything from you right now.*_

"Steven, would you please look at me for a moment?" Dr Hashman asked.

When Steven obeyed, Dr Hashman could see an empty look in his eyes. "Pink? If you can hear me, can you come to the front?"

_*Steven, can I switch with you?*_

"Okay," was all Steven replied. 

The familiar pink glow and a glaring Pink was in control, "You know this is your fault, right?" Pink said to Connie.

"I didn't mean anything by it!"

"Here I have been trying to convince him that you all mean the nice things you say and that you do not secretly think of him as a disgusting murdering monster and then you say that!" Stress and worry were clear on his face. He turned to the doctor, "He is empty right now. Even before the switch, there was no emotion and barely any hint of thought. I do not know what to do."

"I believe he's in a dissociative state."

"What is that?"

"It's a reaction or defense mechanism that can be triggered by several things, including conversations that are emotionally straining. Dissociation is where someone shifts into a state of feeling disconnected from their own thoughts, memories, senses, or even their overall identity and mental process. They 'lose touch', to a varying degree, of awareness of immediate surroundings or even sensory input. It's commonly in those with PTSD or who've experienced childhood trauma as a method of coping."

"Well, PTSD and childhood trauma definitely sounds like Steven. How do we-"

"Wait!" Pink looked alarmed, an inward glance and, "He might have come out of it on his own. I thought I felt a brief flash of emotion, but now he has sealed himself in the part of his mind that is completely separate from me."

"Separate?" Connie asked. 

"It is the part where we do not overlap. It is still connected to me but not a part of me. Just like how my separate consciousness has my own area that is no longer a part of him. It is partly how we can think things without the other having to hear it."

"If it's connected, does that mean you can get to it?"

"Get to it, but I have no way to get inside it... unless... Since I have primary control of our gem powers, I wonder if my willingness would be enough to fuse with someone..."

Before Pink could even go further in the thought or speculate on the possible best choice to try it with, Connie offered an opened hand to him, "Let's see if I can get in there and drag him back to the world."

If Pink had managed to get far enough in his thoughts first, he would also have concluded that Connie would be the best choice, it was just his nature that he was more inclined to try to review all possible options before choosing. So it just took a brief moment for him to jump the track of his current thoughts to this new one introduced by Connie.

Pink took her offered hand and synced by their mutual love of Steven, glowed and shifted until a catatonic Stevonnie now sat on the bed.

"I definitely need to write a paper," Dr Hashman commented to himself as he sat there to wait for any results.

Connie and Pink found themselves alone in the open plain of conciousness. "Wow," Connie said looking at Pink, "You weren't kidding about your looks."

"It is not really in my nature to lie, so I would need to have a much higher stakes issue than my looks to be worth doing that." Their surroundings were laid out differently than when it was just Pink and Steven, so Pink took a moment to reorient himself. "This way, I think."

They approached a wall that seemed to continue infinitely in every direction. It seemed made of something shimmery and semi opaque like a tinted glass. They couldn't see clearly through it, but enough to see vague shapes hinting at another environment beyond. Connie might've expected it to be tinted pink, like so many of his things are, but it was green. A deep green. Connie supposed it made sense that he wouldn't be pink for the part of himself separate from his gem. 

While Pink seemed to be evaluating the appearance of the wall as a whole, Connie tentatively reached out and touched the wall. It was warm and seemed to vibrate slightly with a rthymn that seemed likely to be his heartbeat. She also felt like it radiated an aura of... she didn't have a word for the particular mix of sadness, loneliness, self-hatred and a tinge of an anger underneath. She removed her hand and took a step back as Pink took a step forward to try his luck on the wall.

Pink had never tried to enter this secret sanctum of his other half, respecting that everyone needs a place to be alone with their own thoughts. Especially within their own mind. Pink felt pained at the swirl of emotion that radiated from the wall. He hated that he didn't know how to help his human half and wished he knew how to improve his abilities to better alleviate Steven's pain.

In her analysis, Connie stepped forward to touch the wall as Pink stepped back. For the briefest moment, the wall felt less solid before firming back up to how it felt before. Inspiration hit and she said, "Touch the wall again," while keeping her own hands on the wall as well. 

As Pink's hand made contact with the wall, it continued to move forward a bit. The wall was still solid but instead of a rigid structure it now had some give to it, like it had turned to rubber.

Connie tested the strength, pushing as hard as she could, and managed to create a dent in the wall. But, she couldn't penetrate it and the dent popped back out as it followed the movement of her hand retracting. 

Dragging fingertips along the wall, Pink moved closer to Connie. The wall seemed to soften the closer he got until he was standing beside Connie. It felt more like a thick plastic curtain, like perhaps they could push through hard enough to thin an area and break through, but Pink didn't want to take away Steven's private sanctuary with a breach that might remain long after their visit. 

Connie was thinking something similar, not wanting to tear the barrier, no matter how much it had thinned, it was still an indication of Steven's wanting to keep them out. She would prefer a solution that wouldn't violate that completely reasonable request. 

"Pink?" she said to see if they could strategize together to a solution, but Pink was so deep in thought, trying to analyze all possible options that he didn't seem to hear her. Connie lightly placed a touch to Pink's shoulder while they both still had a single hand on the wall. Both gasped as they felt the barrier dissolve away from their touch. Connie's hand had moved away from Pink and the wall seemed to be reforming. Ever the problem-solver, Connie tested her fingers grazing Pink's arm and then lifting off and noted the wall's reactions.

She was about to verbalize her theory when Pink spoke, "It appears I did bring the best choice with me." He offered Connie his hand to hold. She accepted it and they both easily walked through the wall-shaped mist.

\-------------

They found themselves surrounded by plants. There were many different types of artfully placed flowers, trees and bushes with an almost Garden of Eden type feel to it. As they walked through the path, they saw that they were in a dome somewhere in space. They found Steven sitting with his back against one of the large pillars that defined the main walkway. He had his arms around his drawn up legs and seemed to be just staring at a random spot on the ground. 

Connie and Pink walked towards Steven and the only indication he gave that he was even aware of their presence was when they'd nearly reached him, Steven quietly spoke, "What do you think of the garden?"

Connie knelt down beside Steven, "It's beautiful."

"It's amazing. Is this-"

"Yeah, it's Pink Diamond's garden where Spinel spent 6000 years. This is just some ideas of how to restore it."

"Is that something you're hoping to do some day?"

Steven shrugged, "Maybe. I've also thought about bringing Peridot here to see if she'd like to make it a project with her students. Kind of weird my safe space is somewhere that someone was abandoned at for 6000 years, right?"

"I guess that's one way to assure you're never disturbed."

"So, do you know that you were having a dissociative episode?"

Still not taking his eyes off the ground, "I sort of heard some of what was said about it, but not really sure how much I really caught." 

"Why did you go in here?"

Steven sat quietly, not answering. They knew that was a common clue for when he didn't want to say something but also didn't want to lie.

"Steven, I didn't come all this way to be ignored."

Steven finally lifted his head and turned to face her. "I'm not ignoring you, I just know you won't like the answer." With a pointed look from Connie that said she knew that, Steven sighed and continued, "I was thinking about what you'd said and I figured this is the best place for me. I can't hurt anyone else if I stay in here."

"Steven," Connie placed a hand on his arm, "I'm sorry for what I said. I don't really think of you like that. I was just lashing out for the same reason you did when we first brought up you needing help. You'd touched a nerve I hadn't even realized was exposed and I overreacted. Please forgive me."

Steven felt conflicting emotions. There was the reflexive inclination to not want to make anyone feel bad, but there was also the belief that Connie was just saying that to make him feel better. That she really felt the way she'd said earlier and now was just the lie to try to hide the truth again. He wanted to believe her but he couldn't help but feel her earlier statement was more likely the truth, since it more matched what he thought about himself.

"I forgive you. Now leave me here," he went back to staring at the ground in front of himself, still hugging his legs as a quasi shield.

The emotions they had felt radiating from the wall swirled freely in the air and Connie had never felt so awash in feelings that were not her own. As much as Connie could feel, Pink felt it 10x as strongly due to his unique connection to Steven. Where Connie was new to the experience, Pink had a practiced skill of filtering through the layers and tasting the flavors and how they intermingled. 

Connie felt Steven's self hatred, his fear, sense of loss, despair, self-recrimination, love for both Pink and herself, and a thread of anger. Pink could feel the fluctuations in the ratio of emotions and Steven struggling to believe and to hope against his certainty that he was unworthy and undeserving of love.

Pink couldn't take the pain he was feeling from Steven any longer and knelt down and pulled Steven into a hug. Steven leaned into the hug and closed his eyes. "Oh, Steven," Connie joined in on the hug. "I don't know how to convince you of the truth but I know you. I love you. We love you and we would all gladly take your pain into ourselves if it would spare you even a moment of suffering."

In that moment, something unexpected, unprecedented, and frankly unnerving, occurred. There, within this quiet place and awash with emotion, a glowing and warming filled the trio and for just the length of a flash, they were one. Deeper than fusion, stronger than love, and more life-changing than anything that any of them had experienced in their entire existence, a bond was formed. They ceased being entirely individuals, now carrying inside themselves a piece of the other two. An essence eternally linked to it's original source but also so blended it was indistinguishable from any other part of their own soul.

"What was that?" Connie asked, then gasped, "Steven! Your eyes!"

"What about my eyes?" Steven asked as he looked at her, "Your eyes!"

Pink looked between the two and said, "It is both of you. You both have a pink ring as the outer part of your iris!"

"Ummmm.... Pink... most of your irises are black now."

"Yeah, there's just a little pink between your iris and pupil. What's going on?"

Pink looked shocked. "I do not know but..." he turned to Connie, "I can sense you now. I mean, I can sense you like how I sense Steven."

Connie gasped, "What does that mean?"

"Right now, you are nervous, confused, worried, guilty, hopeful and excited and you're in perfect health."

"Connie, you're also tired. I've slept a bit better the last couple nights, but you're exhausted."

Pink and Connie looked at Steven, when Connie was about to respond to what Steven said, she suddenly realized, "Wait, I... this is weird... I..." Not having had the extended period of time that Steven and Pink already had to become accustomed to having a linked consciousness, it was taking her slightly longer to acclimate. "You still plan to die," Connie looked at Steven, both in worry as well as in amazement that she knew something with such certainty without fully understanding how. She could also feel an increasing worry radiating from Pink. 

Steven was still sitting on the ground, and they were still kneeling on either side of him. Both Pink and Connie had a hand on Steven's shoulders, their free hands had interlaced fingers at some point. 

Steven looked down, "I'm not 'planning' to die..." Steven's voice got quieter, "I'm just not yet convinced it's not the best option."

"Steven," Connie leaned to rest her forehead against the side of Steven's face, the hand on his shoulder sliding over to the opposite shoulder and joining Pink's hand to hold Steven in a half hug before letting go of Pink's other hand to free it so she could grab Steven's face close as she said, "You can feel I'm exhausted. Can you feel I'm telling you the truth when I say you are not a monster, you don't disgust me and I will love you forever whether you like it or not?"

Steven wavered. He wanted so badly to believe that what he could feel was her truth, but hope can be painful. If he let himself pull her words deep into his heart, and she ever decided to stop loving him or something happened to make her later realize she can't tolerate how truly awful he is, the pain would annihilate his soul. The prospect of that pain was infinitely worse than the pain of accepting ahead of time that nobody could possibly love him, "Maybe Stockholm Syndrome is contagious."

"Steven, I know you can feel how deeply we feel for you-"

"Maybe y-you can then feel how much it hurt when you said... I think it broke something because the whole world looked different and I... I won't survive it again. I can't risk that pain again... maybe some day... but definitely not right now."

Connie and Pink could, for a brief moment, feel the pain Steven referenced and better understood, Pink kissed Steven's forehead and said, "We will never fully understand how you feel, but we've had a glimpse and we will stop pressuring you to accept our truth if you promise to continue to work with us to try to get you better."

Pink and Connie forced themselves to be patient as they could feel Steven wrestle with the decision until finally, Steven replied, "I promise to try my best." Hugs and then they walked with him back to the shared consciousness area and then Dr Hashman got to also witness Stevonnie turning back into Connie and Steven.

Greg and the gems were also in the room, having come in around the time Stevonnie had been formed. Connie and Steven were facing each other on the bed, "Your eyes, they're still..."

"Yours, too..." they both turned to the gems eliciting gasps as the group took in the change to their eyes.

"What happened?" Pearl was the first to ask. 

"Um... we're not entirely sure..." started Connie. 

"Can you fuse inside a fusion?" Steven asked, looking primarily at the closest thing to a fusion expert, Garnet. 

"What?"

Steven looked to Connie, "Since you experienced the biggest change, I think you should tell them about what happened and then Pink can fill in any additional details because he's good at noticing stuff that I don't." So Connie described the relevant experience from her perspective, thankfully leaving out things like Steven's thoughts on death, and then Steven switched with Pink to supply his perspective. 

"That's... well, that's definitely new. Maybe it's due to how Steven and Pink are linked but also separate and the unique way Connie was interacting with them, but that's really just a guess."

"What do we do about it?"

"I'm not sure," Garnet replied, sounding disappointed in herself. 

"If I might suggest something," Dr Hashman started, "What if, for now we just make notes of anything that happens and pool our data to try to get the clearest picture? The trio of course have the most to track but even outside observers may pick up on things as well."

"Well, if there's no other ideas, I agree, but how am I going to explain this to my parents!"

"I'm thinking this is a big enough event that we should stop therapy for the day anyway, to process everything in our own ways, and so Connie, I could drive you home and I could help you talk to them about that as well as other things."

"You mean like if I need therapy, don't you?"

"Let's talk on the way," the doctor said. 

Connie kissed Steven goodbye and left with the doctor. 

"I guess we'll just play video games," Steven said. "Hey, Amethyst! Do you want to try beating Pink at Lonely Blade?"

"Oh yes, Pinkie's going down!" Amethyst eagerly agreed. 

As they started to set up the game, Pink froze in place, "Steven, do you feel that?"

****Like an absence? Like Connie just dropped out of range?****

"Yeah, so I guess we'll be able to tell when she's approaching as well. Amethyst, just give me a moment. I'm going to-" Steven's phone chirped as Pink picked it up, "Well, we not only have confirmation that she felt it too, but that she also thought to use this as a gauge of the range of our connection. It seems to be about 3 miles that we dropped off each other's radar."

Video game playing commenced. After awhile, and a meal break, video game time was over and Steven was back in front, randomly browsing the internet and trying not to think about the events of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Steven Universe fan fiction Second User by Hadithi inspired idea of shared gem use with Connie


	6. Dream Hero

_*You seem to be getting a headache.*_

"Yeah, I'm going to turn off the light and close the curtain on the sliding door. The light is making it worse."

_*I'd help with the headache but it's another one of the kind I don't seem to be able to do much with. Any idea the trigger?*_

Steven got back in bed, "Thinking hurts, so I'm not looking too deep, so I'll guess stress."

_*Anything specific?*_

Steven hesitated, "Pink, what happens with you when I'm asleep?"

_*I mainly keep an eye on your vitals to watch for anything life threatening. Why?*_

"I know gems can sleep. If you slept, would you have your own dreams or would you be in mine?"

_*I believe I'd have my own dreams.*_

"Do you think you could use our dream walk ability to be in my dreams?"

_*I'm not sure. I could try to and see if it works, why? Do you miss me when you sleep?*_

"I just..." Steven got quieter, "I could be wrong, but I feel like I'm gonna have the..." he took a couple steadying breaths, which made Pink realize before Steven said, "...the White dream and... and I thought maybe if you could be there..." Steven stopped as he wiped away tears that were gathering in his eyes. He hated to be so pathetic and needy and Pink shouldn't have to babysit him even in his dreams and-

 _*I'll do it. I'll try and if it doesn't work, I'll try other things until I figure out a way to join you in your dreams.*_ Pink felt stupid that, for all Steven's nightmares where Pink felt so useless to help, that it never occurred to him to try helping from inside Steven's dreams.

"Thank you, Pink."

Steven found himself in White Diamond's head-shaped ship. And it was **that** day again. 

He watched again as his family was taken over, turning gray and moving limply like puppets on invisible strings and speaking with **her** voice. 

"Oh, Starlight..."

He watched again as Connie arrived and was restrained by his puppeted family. 

And then, again, he was picked up by two fingers from a giant hand like he was nothing. Long, black nails that were bigger than his entire body were coming toward him. 

"Time to come out..."

And then, as he clenched his eyes shut and braced for pain... nothing happened. He hesitantly opened his eyes and saw his shield blocking White, and it was connected to a pink arm that was reaching out of his gem. He marveled as that arm became an entire pink man painlessly climbing out of his gem to further back off White.

White's grip loosened and Steven began to fall, but he didn't even have time to worry before a strong pink arm caught him and slowly descended with him to the ground. Steven was still his smaller self but the pink man, well, he was a man, and in a man's voice he said, "Don't worry, Steven. I won't let her hurt us ever again."

As the pink man surrounded White with thick shield segments, Steven's mind finally shifted to realizing this was a dream and the pink man- "Pink! You figured out a way!" Steven was so proud of Pink. 

A freed Connie ran to join them, "This is a dream! Isn't it?"

Steven replied, as Pink surrounded them in shields and White and her puppets blasted them from all sides, "Connie! Is that the real you?"

"Yep!" Connie replied as she joined Steven being held in Pink's large arm, "I don't know if your dream power pulled me over or as a result of our new connection, but I knew you needed help somehow. This is so much better than what originally happened!"

Though Steven didn't like even the idea of the gems being hurt, knowing he was in a dream allowed him to not worry about anyone outside of Team Pink. Though the sight of Her still filled him with fear, he was enjoying watching White getting more and more into a temper tantrum. He knew Pink would keep them safe. "This went from my worst nightmare to an awesome dream!"

Pink was overflowing with happiness and pride from emotions he was feeling pouring from his humans. "Let's make sure this bitch stays out of your dreams from now on!" Pink said as he set Connie and Steven down, grew in size and stomped on White. As he shrunk himself back down to size, he felt odd emotions flowing from Steven.

Steven was standing, unmoving, beside Connie as they both stared at where White had been. Connie was shocked but not so far as not to also have noticed the difference in Steven. She was trying to get Steven's attention, but Steven wasn't speaking nor averting his gaze from the large pile of shards that used to be White Diamond. 

"Steven?" Pink couldn't read the expression on Steven's face and even the emotions he was sensing were too jumbled to discern. Steven continued to stare, unblinking, at White's remains. 

Connie looked at Pink, "I think you need to wake him up."

"How?" Pink asked, "I've never been able to before." He sighed in frustration, "This would be so much simpler if I could climb out of my gem like in this dream."

"Have you ever actually tried to do that?"

"Well no, because in real life I can't be separate from my gem because that is me and this form is just an extension of that."

They stood in thought for a moment, still trying to snap Steven out of whatever he was feeling, but it felt like he was spiraling deeper in whatever mental loop he was in. Connie then suggested, "What about an arm?" At Pink's look of confusion, "When you first manifested your shield in here, you had just your arm reaching out. Maybe you could reach an arm out of your gem and grab Steven and shake him awake?"

"It's worth a try. If this works, you'll probably wake up, too. I could send Lion to come get you, if you want."

A quick nod and, "I'll leave a note on my bed to explain where I went."

With things decided, and with no sign of Steven snapping out of whatever was going on with him, Pink focused on projecting his arm out of his gem. Partial manifestation felt weird in the non-dreamworld. He felt around blindly for a moment before orienting himself and then grabbed one of Steven's shoulders and shook until Steven awoke. 

Steven was panting as he sat up. His only response to the glowing pink arm coming out of his stomach was to hug it tightly. A few minutes later, Connie and Lion arrived. The weight limit of the bed was tested as Connie and Lion both got on the bed to join Steven. Connie wrapped her arms around both Steven and Pink's hostage arm. Lion leaned up against Steven's other side. 

Steven's mind was in disarray as competing thoughts and feelings clashed with one another, but he was managing to ground himself to some extent from the comforting presence around him. Amethyst had even come upstairs and joined the hug when she heard the commotion. 

As Steven worked to calm himself, Connie and Pink both started hearing some of his thoughts. ****I'm going to cry. I don't want to cry. I'm not going to let myself cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm gonna calm down. I'm gonna stop freaking out. I'm not gonna be weak. I'm not gonna cry. I'm gonna calm down...****

"Steven, it's okay to cry if you feel the need to. You don't have to hold things in."

_*You know you're safe with us.*_

"...I'm all right... and wow, Pink, I finally can kind of hug you-"

_*You're not going to distract us.*_

Steven also couldn't yet get himself to let go of Pink's arm. Having something tangible of Pink, other than the gem itself, was much more comforting than he ever expected. He could feel a warmth and waves of comfort radiating from it.

"I just overreacted. It's no big deal."

Connie commented, "If it's no big deal, you should have no problem talking about it."

"Why do I have to talk about everything? Why can't I just not think about some things?"

Amethyst contributed, "Three words, dude: Giant. Pink. Monster."

"But that can't happen now because I don't have any powers."

"You're not planning on eventually having your powers back?"

"They're Pink's powers and I can't be trusted with them anyway."

"But if you both manage to join back together correctly..."

"I won't agree to anything that would make Pink stop existing," and Steven gave Pink's arm another squeeze. 

_*Steven...*_

"Shut up. I'm not giving you up!" Steven tried to ignore the tears gathering in his eyes at even the prospect of losing Pink. "I'll pull you the rest of the way out of your gem if I have to!"

"Wouldn't that pull his gem out of your body?"

"I don't care if it does. He can't leave me!"

 _*I would never leave you, Steven!*_ Pink could feel waves of panic coming from Steven, as could Connie to a lesser extent. 

"I wouldn't want you polluted by mixing with me. I like the person you are, even when you're being a dick."

_*Steven, calm down. We don't have to do anything, ok? Just relax and we can talk about the dream in the morning when you're not as worked up, ok?*_

"Can I hold onto your arm until I fall asleep?"

_*Sure, so just lay down and try to relax, ok?*_

Steven leaned against Lion, holding onto Pink's arm. He looked at Connie and Amethyst, "Sorry, I was already worked up from the dream and feeling hyper emotional. I'm sorry because I know I'm probably overreacting and being crazy..."

"We know you're still working through things, dude. It's cool and you don't gotta apologize so much."

"Touch Pink's arm," Steven commanded as he held out Pink's arm slightly away from himself, though still tightly gripped. Connie and Amethyst dutifully each put a hand on Pink's arm. "I don't know what you feel when you touch him, but I feel..." Steven's eyes were tearing up again from emotions, "...I feel like I'm holding the physical manifestation of everything meant by the word 'home' and that is the closest word I can think to describe it. I feel less..." Now that Pink had Steven's eyes to relay directions, he was able to orient himself sufficiently to wipe away some of Steven's tears. "...less fractured..." Steven felt too overwhelmed by emotion to continue. Pink was himself feeling overwhelmed by what Steven was saying, as well as by the emotions he could feel flowing through Steven. 

Amethyst grabbed some tissues and handed them to Steven, who then blew his nose and wiped his eyes. Connie hugged Steven as well as Pink's arm and said, "I know I feel it in a different way, but I have at least a general sense of it. Contact with Pink does have a comforting and welcoming feel and I don't know if it's the new link or just a trait of his. And, Pink, it feels weird to talk about you like you're not here or not hearing everything but it's also hard to think of you as present when we just see an arm."

_*Can you hear when I talk?*_

Connie smiled, "Yes, I can."

"You can what?" asked Amethyst. 

Connie smiled at Amethyst and said, "Now Steven isn't the only one with a voice in their head." Connie started answering some follow up questions from Amethyst. 

With his best friend, his sister and his lion surrounding him, and holding on to the soothing presence of his other half, Steven drifted back to sleep. 

\---------

Steven woke to find Connie, Lion and even Amethyst had stayed the night and slept in his bed with him. But most amazing of all, Pink's arm was still held in Steven's arms. ****I hope I didn't keep you trapped. I don't want you to be uncomfortable.****

_*I wasn't in any discomfort. In fact, some of the things you said about being in contact with me are the same for me from contact with you.*_

****For me, the tear doesn't hurt as bad right now.****

_*I feel that, too. Maybe external contact is adding something that can't connect internally.*_

****Maybe, though I'd still prefer to have all of you to hug, so put that on the back burner section of your mind to hopefully think of something, please.****

Steven didn't feel in any particular hurry to leave the cuddle puddle, so he just lay there 'chatting' with Pink. 

****I was thinking that if you ever were to change your name from Pink, it could be Richard because the nickname for that is 'Dick' but I would want to call you Rick or something because I wouldn't want to encourage you to be a dick.****

_*Do you think I should change my name? Does it remind you too much of mom?*_

****No, even though we know she was Pink Diamond and the other diamonds called me that for a bit, I still mainly think of mom as Rose and since we were still joined back in the day, I think of them calling me Pink as them really calling you Pink. Even if you changed your name, I think I'd still mostly think of you as Pink, but I'd do my best to respect your wishes and call you whatever you preferred.****

_*I like the name Pink. It's such a you name to call me... you know, like Lion and Pumpkin and...*_ Pink chuckled in their mind. 

Steven blushed slightly, ****Hey, I just go with my instincts... and maybe my instincts are terrible.**** there was humor in Steven's inner 'voice' ...and wasn't him being negative about himself. 

_*Your instincts are adorable.*_

More blushing from Steven. *Do you two need privacy?*

Both Steven and Pink were startled, **_**Connie?**_**

*Good you can hear me. Just testing if this was a 2-way connection.*

****This is so cool! We could have secret conversations! That'd be handy if we were secret agents or something.****

_*We'll need to test if it requires physical contact and, if not, how far apart it works.*_

****Life can be weird...****

Connie had an amused 'tone' *I hope you're not just now noticing that.*

****Well, I grew up living in a van and then in a house with inorganic caretakers that were thousands of years old and my first 'pet' was a lion. I'm not even sure I'd recognize normal if I saw it.****

*I'm not sure if my childhood was normal either. Moving from place to place and how strict my parents started out and how filled my days were with activities. I've heard of families with totally different lives and I'm not really even sure which childhood out there would've counted as whatever normal means.*

_*What about my childhood? I was a different person and species than I am now.*_ Pink definitely found it funny. 

Both Connie and Steven agreed that Pink's childhood was the most abnormal. Then they noted the smell of breakfast in the air and finally got up.

\--------------------------------------------

Steven was feeling grouchy. He couldn't seem to help himself from feeling ganged up on, even when it was just Pink and Dr Hashman. Connie had warped back home on Lion after breakfast. 

"Steven, part of the therapy process involves talking about things to work through them with guided assistance so that you don't just have to deal with it alone when it finally decides to pop up. So, a vital part is needing you to talk because just listening to Pink talk about events is not the same thing."

Steven sighed, accepting defeat, "And you really think the dream is important?" At Dr Hashman's nod, and another sigh from Steven, he continued, "I don't like how emotional I am and how I get with things like this... but ok." Steven took a couple breaths as he let himself remember how he felt, "When Pink stomped on White... my first reaction was that it was fun and a dream so it doesn't matter and everything... but..." Steven was picturing events in his head as he spoke, "...seeing her as... seeing her like that..." Steven paused a moment to try to steady his breath, trying to keep his breathing under control, "I'm already split once where Pink is the other half, but I felt like my half was being split into... fragments... and each one was screaming and each one was saying something different. It was drowning out everything else... and I was sort of flickering between them all like I wasn't sure which one was me and-" Steven's breath had gotten too rapid to continue. Dr Hashman reminded him to focus on slowing his breathing while Pink used his newly realized ability to reach out of his gem and hold Steven's hand. Steven held Pink's hand in both of his own and used that to help ground himself as he purposefully took long deep breaths in and out.

"Could you make out what the fragments were saying?"

Steven nodded, not letting go of Pink's hand, "It wasn't just words, it was also pictures. There were ones happy to see White like that, some that were horrified, some wanted to go do it for real, some were comparing with... Jasper... with varying opinions and... some were yelling 'What if that... what if that was Pink?' And... pictures of... of what that might've looked like." Tears were running down Steven's face and he held tightly to Pink's hand.

_*It makes more sense why you reacted so strongly last night now that I know that.*_

"I don't want to ever hurt anyone ever again, ...but if anything happened to Pink that didn't also kill me, I think I'd gladly burn the world if necessary to get whoever hurt him."

"I've been learning more about gem history from Pearl. Weren't the Diamonds originally trying to destroy the Earth because they thought someone on this planet shattered Pink Diamond?" Dr Hashman asked, noting Steven still flinched at the word shattered. 

Steven's manner took on an eerie calm as he looked at the doctor and said, "And I already told you that between Pink and me, I'm the one that got all the evil diamond traits."

Dr Hashman wasn't sure how to respond to that. Pink just said, _*Steven...*_

Steven sighed, kissed Pink's hand and let go of it. "I don't have anything to add. Do you want to switch to a new topic?"

Pink withdrew back into his gem, worried. Dr Hashman asked, "Steven, you suddenly seem very detached. Are you possibly needing a break? We could take 15 minutes for bathroom or snack grabbing or just laying back and relaxing for 15 minutes. I'm going to take a stroll outside and get a little fresh air. Okay?"

"I don't have any objection to that," Steven replied, just leaning back against his headboard and closing his eyes. 

_*Steven...*_

****Yeah?****

_*You know you're not behaving normally, right? It feels like part of you has shut down.*_

****Yeah, I'm getting better at it.****

_*So, you're doing it on purpose?*_

****This time I am. You can't feel sad, scared or angry if you don't feel anything at all.****

_*That's not the direction you're supposed to be improving. You need to deal with things by working through them, not by telling yourself they don't affect you.*_

Sigh. ****You got the power. I got the despotic dictatorial traits, irrational anger and violent tendencies. I'd say admitting that is a good thing because it shows that you're a safety measure to make sure I can't access the power for evil anymore, but it doesn't remove the evil, it just makes it ineffective.****

Pink had great temper management and overall self control, but sometimes dealing with his human half was so frustrating, that he wasn't sure if he could keep calm. _*You're not evil! You are the most empathetic, compassionate and loving person I, and everyone we've ever met, has ever known! You are like a broken record! No matter what any of us say or do, you continue to stick with this false and frankly idiotic belief that you are somehow in any way, evil!*_ As much as was possible, Pink was yelling. 

Steven didn't respond. And continued to not respond for several minutes. Pink was just about to try to say more, when he felt a wave of sadness coming from Steven and could feel the tears that had started streaming from his eyes. At least another minute or two passed before Steven finally spoke. "If I'm not evil, why do I have all this anger and hate and have done such awful things?" 

_*We've been trying to tell you. Dr Hashman, Connie, Dr Maheswaren and I, along with everyone else that loves you, have been saying for weeks now that these are perfectly understandable reactions to the trauma you've been through! That's why you have to stop trying to escape it and have to work through things! You need to allow yourself to process things that you never had a chance to properly process at the time and yes it hurts and yes it is exhausting but that's why you have us to lean on, but we can't help unless you let us!*_

"I don't know how to accept help. All my instincts are to not be a burden. To handle things alone and I have no idea how to behave if I'm not shouldering it all myself. And what if I need too much or ask for too much and I don't want to be weak and pathetic. I'm just so afraid I'm not worth the effort." 

Pink's tone was softer now, _*Please, just trust us. We'll tell you if you go too far. We'll tell you if we need you to do something differently. Just trust that we all want to do anything we can to help you. You know how good it can feel to help someone; let us get that feeling by helping you.*_

"Maybe if I frame it in my head that I'm helping all of you in your task of helping me, I might feel less like I'm being a selfish, needy burden." 

_*That's a good start.*_

\------- 

Dr Hashman had been of the opinion that Pink would be able to break through to Steven to get him in a more workable mindset. He also only stepped outside for a couple minutes and then sat drinking some tea, and listening in via the still in use baby monitor. 

When he returned to Steven's bedroom, he could see evidence of crying, which was much preferred and much more conducive to healing than the numbness Steven was cultivating prior to the break. 

"Let's move onto a new topic." Dr Hashman consults his notes, "You promised not to harm yourself or attempt to remove your gem prior to your birthday. Is that still the limit of that promise?" 

Steven was still sitting with his back against his headboard. ****Helping them to help me. I'm helping them to help me...**** Steven was repeating it in his head like a mantra as he bent his legs up reflexively to protect himself. He forced himself to push his legs out, still bent but not tucked up close. Eyes open, but staring at his knees. Baby steps. Deep breath. In.... and out.... "It's not so much about wanting to die as it is wanting all the pain to end." Dr Hashman seemed to be able to tell he wasn't finished. A few more breaths as even Pink wisely stayed quiet. 

Steven got the ghost of a smile on his face, "I think I miss when I was really little and still thought my dad was infallible and invincible. I didn't worry about anything because I knew dad was handling everything and I had total confidence in that and I didn't even really think about or wonder about the details. I just lived and enjoyed things and even if I was scared I knew I wasn't alone and I could run to dad and he'd keep me safe." 

Steven sighed, "I know growing up means taking on responsibilities and being accountable for yourself and having to rely on yourself. I don't resent that, but..." Steven ran a hand through his hair and a more frustrated sigh, "...but I don't think kids usually start at 12 being the one to make sure what and if they've eaten, if they've bathed or if they hurt themselves... or if they're scared at night in a house all alone, not knowing how long it'll be until someone might be there for them if anything happens." 

Words were pouring out before he could stop them. He stopped worrying about if his family might be listening or hurting their feelings or really thinking at all except for the words flowing out almost like a subconscious prepared speech, "...and then hearing your mom was some great leader and protector and it's your fault she's gone and its up to you to fill in the hole she left. And y-you work hard and try to be better and try to not make yourself any more of a burden than you already are by having taken her away. And you get stronger and prove you're useful and suddenly people are asking you what to do and expecting you to solve fate of the world type things and you're still not even old enough to drive!" 

Steven wiped away some of the tears that were covering his face. "I just want to be able to do or not do things without having to worry about how it might affect everyone and without feeling responsible for everyone's happiness. And I know safety is an illusion and bad things can happen at any moment, but if even just for a couple minutes a day, I just want to feel like I'm safe and don't have to worry," Steven grabbed a pillow and put his face in it, crying. 

Downstairs, several faces had guilty looks at the pain they'd heard in Steven's voice. The doctor quietly took some notes and internally, Pink did his best to console and encourage his teenage counterpart. 

_*I'm proud of you, Steven. I know it wasn't easy for you and how vulnerable you feel right now, but you can trust that I will do everything within my abilities to keep you safe.*_

****I know. It's one of the reasons I love you and know you're a good person.****

Dr Hashman waited until Steven's crying had slowed and Steven was wiping his face and blowing his nose. He didn't want to discount the excellent step forward Steven had taken, but he also didn't want to neglect to deal with the looming deadline of Steven's promise not to hurt himself. 

"I'm very impressed with you, Steven," he began encouragingly, "I know that was a big step for you and I'm glad you were able to take it, however, we still haven't definitively answered the question about the approaching expiration of your promise to Pink." 

Steven didn't answer. He finished blowing his nose, crossed his legs and set the pillow on them. Looking down at his hands resting on the pillow, he finally replied, "I limit the time because I'm trying to not lie and I don't know if I'm... if I'm strong enough to keep trying. I'm just doing it for everyone else just like everything else I do," Steven took a deep breath, "...but Pink might be able to help with more of the nightmares... and maybe a few more nights of better sleep will make me more optimistic." 

"So you're not prepared to extend your promise at this time?" Dr Hashman asked. 

"Right." 

Dr Hashman was disappointed not to have been able to get more from Steven, but he knew pushing likely wouldn't work in his favor. He checked his notes, "What about wanting to change your name? Is that something you're still interested in?" 

"I sort of am and am not. I still think it's wrong to call me the same as when Pink and I are properly combined, but at the same time, I don't know how well I could learn to respond to something different. I was thinking maybe I stay Steven and Pink stays Pink and then we call the fusion something different... but don't have a firm idea yet on what that could be, I was thinking of things like maybe 'Diamond Universe' or, even though we know he's not a quartz, we could still use it as 'Quartz Universe' or something like that, but Pink gets an equal vote so we'd need to agree on whatever it might be." 

"Ok," more looking through notes, "Anything to add on the issue of not being sure who you are?" 

"Haven't really had time to think about it yet. Next." 

"Is there any chance you might tell me the story behind the issue with puppets?" 

Steven thought a moment, "It's not much of a story, it's just... that the day we were ripped apart," a couple deep breaths, "White used her power to... to control my family like they were puppets with invisible strings." A slight shudder at the memory, "They all spoke with her voice and they attacked Connie and their faces..." another shudder, "their faces were so vacant like their souls had been removed. Like they were just empty husks with vacant stares and White's voice..." Steven's voice trailed off and he stared at the pillow in his lap. 

"That does sound like a terrible memory. I can understand why you prefer not to remind yourself of it. Any comments you want to add about the songs you sang?" 

"Next." 

"So, you were just mentioning how you basically have been raising yourself since you were 12?" 

Steven bit his lip, thinking, "I don't know if I'd put it that way. When anyone was home, they tried to make sure the house was clean and usually some kind of food in the house. Pearl would wash all the dishes and clothes usually. And I knew I could go to the carwash or wherever dad had parked to see him. It's not like I was just dropped off on an island and left to fend for myself or something... well except the one time that happened but none of them know about that..." 

"What! When did that happen?" Pearl's voice grew louder as she came up the stairs. 

Placating hands toward Pearl, "It's ok, Pearl, I'm not accusing you guys of doing that because I know you didn't know about it." 

"But that makes it worse if you're saying you were so neglected we didn't notice you missing for-how long was it?" 

"It was only like maybe a week and a half but not more than 2 weeks." Pearl started looking like she might pop. 

Trying to introduce some calm into things, and once again wondering if letting the family listen in was really the best idea, Dr Hashman suggested, "Steven, why don't you tell us exactly what happened." 

"Um, sure. It wasn't a big deal, I just mentioned it because I was trying to be full disclosure or whatever. So, it was when I first got to warp everyone home after a mission. The gems then had to leave again right away and I wanted to show off my warp skills to someone so I warped Lars and Sadie to Mask Island. We got stranded because we thought the warp pad disappeared but when the monster started to attack, we found out Sadie had just hid it. So then I warped us back home." He stated it very matter of factly, like talking about a trip to the grocery store. 

"How did you survive?" Asked the doctor. 

"Well Sadie caught fish and Lars cooked them." 

"...and the monster?" 

"Sadie poofed her using her fish-murdering skills.* 

"Why didn't you tell us about it when we came back?" 

Steven looked confused, "I was probably doing something else by then and it didn't really seem important." 

"Pearl, could you go back downstairs now, please?" Asked the doctor. 

"Oh, um, ok... yes..." Pearl looked a little unsettled, but left as requested. 

"You must've been scared." 

"When?" 

"On the island." 

"Oh, not really. I knew the gems would eventually come back and notice I was gone and look for me. I explained that to Lars to help him freak out less. And I can't claim I was really having to take care of myself since Sadie pretty quickly started working on catching fish and then making Lars cook, so I kind of had people taking care of me." 

"So, you were talking about growing up in this home," the doctor prodded. 

With a worried look, Steven turned his eyes from the direction Pearl left and looked back at the doctor, "Um... yeah, well, um, I guess I learned to cook because I was the one mostly responsible for what I ate. Other times, I'd just have a donut or pizza or something. I don't really know what else to say about it." 

"When did you start intentionally hurting yourself?" 

"Next." 

_*You don't think it might be helpful to talk about it?*_

"Actually, Doctor, maybe you should talk to Pink now. Just this morning, Connie and I were talking about his childhood being the weirdest. He grew up a different species than himself and everything." 

"Does he have any issues he needs to deal with?" 

_*No.*_

"Probably lots. Like don't you think he is codependent? Isn't that supposed to be a bad thing? He should talk about that. He also might have Stockholm Syndrome." 

"Doesn't he need to stay with you to live?" 

"No, he can live without me physically, he'd just feel incomplete. But, I think he could probably just find any human to fuse with." 

"Though I will admit that I am not as knowledgeable in gem and gem/human hybrids, it doesn't sound codependent to me." 

_*Ha ha, deflection deflected.*_

"You know, gloating is very unattractive." 

"He's gloating?" 

"What part of 'He is a giant dick' have you not understood?" Before the doctor could reply, Steven started laughing, "But he is occasionally funny." 

"What did he say?" 

"I'm sorry, but I don't think it would be appropriate for me to repeat such vulgarity." 

The doctor just shook his head in amusement, "Okay, moving on, do you want to talk about trying to live up to your mother's legacy?" 

"Next."

"How about, is there anything else you'd like to discuss?" 

"Um..." ****Any suggestions?****

_*Oh, now you want my opinion?*_

****Speak now or forever hold your peace.****

_*I think you should talk about when we were split.*_

Dr Hashman could tell Steven was 'talking' with Pink. He noticed a flinch at one point and waited patiently. 

****I already talked about it!****

_*You still can't bear to even hear me talk about the details and you're still having the nightmare, so maybe you've got some remaining issues about it.*_

"Dr Hashman, if something bad happened to you, couldn't you just not like talking about it and rehashing it without it meaning you've got more issues to work out about it?" 

"Much like exposure therapy, the goal is to lessen the hold that certain memories and feelings have on you. However, an even more important goal is not to re-traumatize you, so it's best to try to talk about things while not letting them overwhelm you." 

"Do you think Pink being able to help me in my dreams is enough or is there something else I should be doing?" 

"Well, first, keeping in mind that having someone literally join your dream is an experience unique to you, so it was never an either/or option for my other patients. Secondly, as you work through more and more of things related to your PTSD, one of the benefits is usually a decrease in nightmares and flashbacks. Finally, there are some additional tactics that can be employed to help as well. Would you be interested to learn about them?" 

At Steven's nod, the doctor first covered the importance of a consistent sleep routine as well as not trying to avoid sleep, because avoiding sleep can make the eventual nightmares worse. He then discussed that when waking up from a nightmare, to get up and make yourself as fully awake as possible to lessen the chance of the nightmare continuing when you go back to sleep. Then finally, he talked about the technique of rewriting the ending. 

"I suggest, to start, write about your recurrent nightmare in as much detail as you can. I know this might be scary or emotional, but you need to fully visualize the scene before you can change it. Then you take one element of the written nightmare to change. For example, making your opponent fade away, or make an escape hatch, or give yourself the power to freeze the scene or something else that would help." 

"Then, during the day, mentally rehearse the dream and the alternate ending. Every day, you'd practice vividly picturing it in high detail. It might take a few days' or weeks' practice, but in the meantime you may have fewer nightmares, or they might at least be less scary." 

"That sounds like a horrible idea," Steven replied. "So, I take a nightmare that isn't every night and then I have to make myself mentally relive it every day instead?" 

"It's teaching your brain to change the script it has written to be something that's not bad. It isn't fun, but long term you would end up with fewer and fewer nightmares altogether." 

Disgruntled, Steven grumbled, "If I do that one at a time for every different nightmare, it'll take like 100 years." 

"I'd heard you have the nightmare you told me about several times a week. So, are you saying you have nightmares more frequently than that?" 

Steven was irritated at inadvertantly giving out more information than he'd intended, "That's the worst one." He hoped that might prevent him having to list the rest. 

"Do you want to talk about any of the other nightmares?" 

Arms crossed, "Not really." 

_*Helping us to help you, remember?*_

Sigh. "The other nightmares are just based mainly on all the times someone tried to kill me or I almost died... or something bad happened to someone I love...." Steven looked down and more quietly added, "Let's just say my brain's got a lot of material to work with." 

"Well, what if we took one of those and we could work out a new ending idea now and start you off with an example to follow." 

_*Please, Steven.*_

Sigh, "I... I'd be willing to try, but... I don't think I could describe in detail when..." Steven's voice got quieter, "...when the focus of the dream might be..." voice growing even quieter, "...might be one of the people listening in downstairs..." Steven bent his head down, feeling guilty and ashamed for having even admitted it out loud. 

"Well, we can turn off the monitor for the rest of the visit. Remember, it's only with your permission that they can listen in." 

_*Everyone wants you to get better Steven. I'm sure they would rather not listen in if the alternative is a stall in your recovery.*_

Steven just looked at the doctor and gave him a nod. The doctor switched off the baby monitor and Pink erected a wall blocking off the doorway to lessen the chance of sound carrying down the stairs. 

Steven hugged his legs to himself, "I guess we could go with when Pearl got poofed in front of me. She got run through with a sword by her holo-pearl and so she withdrew into her gem but the holo-pearl stayed out. It seemed to me like Pearl had died. It's the first time I ever saw anyone get poofed and I don't want Pearl to think I'm saying she traumatized me. The dream skips from that to a few weeks later and the holo-pearl chases me around the house, trying to kill me. In real life, I managed to take her out eventually with a mop throw but I usually wake up before that part." Steven looked at the doctor, "...but maybe that's not scary enough of a dream to be worth fixing?" 

"Do you still have that dream?" Steven nodded. "Do you like having that dream?" Steven shook his head. "Then it's worth fixing. So, how do you think the dream should change?" 

"Well it could fix everything if Pearl and holo-pearl switched places. Then it'd just be Pearl stabbing a hologram, but that's at the beginning of the dream." 

"Well, do you remember your surroundings in the dream?" 

"Yeah, we were in the stadium ruins." 

"Then, you should picture the stadium ruins in as much detail as possible and picture the holo-pearl wherever it was that Pearl had been standing. It will likely require multiple times, but you're training your brain to rewrite the script." The doctor looked at his watch, "I think we can leave off there for the day." Pink lowered the shield, the doctor turned the baby monitor back on, shook Steven's hand, and left. 


	7. Dream Coercion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares aren't the only dreams Pink can visit. 
> 
> If you would like the relevant plot points of this chapter without the requirement of reading my attempt at smut, I've listed them in the notes at the end.

Laying in bed that night, Steven asked Pink, ****Do you think you could sometimes join me in good dreams? Like, we could hang out where we both have our own bodies.****

_*I don't see why not.*_

****Cool, try to do that after I fall asleep, I mean if you want to. You don't h-****

_*It's okay. I want to. I'd tell you if I didn't.*_

****Cool. Hope to see you there.**** Steven said as he drifted off to sleep. 

Steven found himself in the garden where Spinel spent all that time waiting for his mom to return. In his mind, he always just thought of it as 'The Garden.' He liked when he had this dream because gardening had a calming quality when you didn't have to worry about turning any of the plants into monsters. It also was nice that he could look at a crumbling pillar and just decide it was replaced with a trellis and it happened without any other effort required. It means you can try a bunch of different things without tiring yourself out or going broke. 

Steven set up free standing trellises in place of the first set of pillars from the warp pad. He was filling them with vines of flowers that connected from one to the other, to make a large entry to the rest of the garden. He first had it filled with roses but that wasn't intentional. He changed them to pink Clematis, the same shade as Pink.

"I approve," came Pink's voice from behind Steven. 

Steven turned around, ran over and jumped into Pink's arms. "You did it!"

Pink hugged Steven happily, saying "It turns out nice dreams are even easier to enter than nightmares."

Pink set Steven down. With his hands against Pink's chest, Steven looked up at him and grumbled, "How are you able to still be vaguely recognizable as me but also be so damn hot? It's unfair."

With a suggestive grin Pink replied, "Look at it this way, would you rather look like this or get to look at this?"

A bit of a blush came to Steven's face as he stared at his hands on Pink's muscled chest, "You are a treat for the senses, that's for sure," Steven looked up at Pink, "...and that's not just dream magic. The arm you created outside of your gem was perfect. I swear you kind of smell like strawberries." Steven pressed his face into Pink's chest and inhaled deeply, "I wonder if you tas-"

Steven didn't get to finish his sentence because, as he always could, Pink knew exactly what Steven needed. He had put a hand under Steven's chin to tilt his head up for a kiss. Steven offered no resistance as his mouth eagerly opened to welcome Pink's tongue, arms reaching up around Pink's neck to pull him closer. 

It wasn't arousal that Steven was responding with, at least not to start. It was more a feeling of incompleteness that they'd had for several years now and a compulsion to attempt to be whole. The two halves had been suffering an ache of being close enough to communicate but too far to be complete. 

Even in the dreamworld, they couldn't fully escape the pain from the tear. There was nothing they could do to heal themselves, but that didn't stop the strong draw to attempt it.

Pink lifted Steven with arms around his waist, pulling him tighter to his chest. One of Steven's hands slid up to bury his fingers in Pink's hair, finding it as soft as it looked. Steven was kissing Pink back with equal passion, losing himself in the flood of sensations that even this dreamworld version of Pink elicited. 

An indeterminate period of time passed before Steven was finally able to pull himself from the kiss and say, "I feel like I shouldn't want this," he looked deep into Pink's eyes, "but how am I supposed to resist when everything about you seems designed to be irresistible to me?"

"Best to give in then," Pink agreed as he locked Steven into another endless kiss.

They didn't have knowledge of how to fuse within a dream or if it was even possible, and there was no guarantee that dream fusing would be able to alleviate the pain of the tear anyway. Their compulsion to attempt to combine and heal had been interpreted into a pull to merge in a more organic way. Suddenly there was a bed in the garden and they were on it.

Steven had thoughts on the edge of his mind, but he pushed them away. He wasn't going to let anything derail this. Steven found he didn't want even clothing to separate them and he wanted them to lose their clothes and suddenly they were both naked. Pink moved to kiss Steven's neck, hands roving over his body. 

Dreams have a way of making things make sense in ways they don't in the waking world. Pink moved from kissing Steven's neck to his chest, then to where Steven's gem would normally be. He traced the imaginary facets of their gem on Steven's stomach with his tongue and Steven couldn't form thoughts any more. 

Even in the waking world, the brain has a function during arousal that shuts off or greatly decreases the part of the brain responsible for shame and embarrassment. It's why things can be done that, at any other time, would make the participants feel too shy, embarrassed or awkward to perform. It's moreso true in dreams. 

Pink continued traveling down Steven's body until he reached Steven's cock. Pink's mouth teased and pleased until Steven was begging for release. And Pink could never deny Steven any need and deep throated him until eagerly swallowing every drop of the result.

Pink made his way up to Steven's mouth and silenced its babbling appreciation with more kissing. Pulling back, Pink looked in Steven's eyes and smirked,"I think someone is enjoying himself."

"Oh my stars, so much!" 

"Do you want more?" At Steven's affirmative response, "Should I make you beg?"

"Nnnnooooo..." Steven whined. He pulled Pink in for another long kiss and then started kissing along Pink's stubbly jaw. He then kissed behind Pink's ear, eliciting a shudder. Steven smiled and kissed Pink's ear and whispered, "Please fuck me, my shining star. My Diamond."

A dream allows details to blur and things that would require additional steps, get to skip right to the fun bits. Pink lifted Steven's legs and parted them and swiftly entered Steven, who arched his back and groaned appreciatively. "Is this what you wanted?" Pink asked, though he already knew the answer, because they both felt a little more complete. Pink immediately started thrusting.

Steven gripped the sheets on the bed and replied, "Stars, yes! Oh, I hadn't realized I wanted this so much!" Pink lifted Steven's legs onto his shoulders, "Oh, Pink! Oh, that's perfect! Right there!" Steven was relishing the feeling of fullness inside himself and how deeply right it was that they fit together so well. He was seeing stars as his entire being focused on the sensations until he felt Pink speeding up the rhythm and then releasing inside him and it was enough to put Steven over the edge to orgasm again. 

Steven pulled Pink down to lay his weight on top of himself like a weighted comfort blanket and was kissing him again, "You've known how I've felt all this time, haven't you?" Steven asked between kisses. 

"I have," Pink replied. Looking down at him with a devilish grin.

Steven blushed, "And you know how much I love you?" Steven had reached up with a hand to run his fingers through Pink's hair. It was so amazingly soft. 

"I do," Pink replied, then kissed Steven again long and deep until he pulled away with them both panting and was going to say more, but then they were both startled by a nearby gasp.

They both looked over and saw Connie staring at them. Any worry or embarrassment was lessened by the fact that they could feel through their link how turned on Connie was. 

Connie was blushing and averting her gaze, "Um, I felt a pull like I could choose to come visit or not and I'd wondered why that was."

An already more relaxed Steven got out of bed, still naked, and walked toward her. "I don't mind if you look. You've already seen mine anyway. And I'm hoping you might join us."

That startled Connie enough to make eye contact, "What?"

Steven reached out a hand to stroke her face. "Think about it. This is consequence free. No need to worry about birth control or getting caught or any of the negative consequences. Just fun and pleasure and you're still actually a virgin. Plus, we can feel you want us. It's a dream, why not enjoy yourself?"

Connie was blushing but couldn't deny she did like what she saw before turning away and couldn't articulate to herself a reason not to. "Ok."

Steven got a big grin on his face and took her hand. "Come over to the bed. And if you feel too shy, you can stay clothed or you can will yourself to be naked. No pressure to do anything you don't want and full eagerness from us to do anything you do want." Steven let go of Connie's hand and climbed back onto the bed with Pink, "Hello, again."

Pink smiled and kissed Steven before looking at Connie, "You can choose to join us, or just watch or look away and just listen or even go back to your own separate dreams." Pink extended a hand out to her, "I would love to help you experience the pleasure I've been able to give to Steven, but I also won't judge you if this is all too much for you."

Connie thought for a moment. She was also a hormone filled teenager, and the idea of experiencing first hand some of the pleasure she'd seen and felt Steven enjoy was appealing. And she was always so dutiful and reasonable and responsible in the waking world, what could be wrong with enjoying herself in a dream with the two very different halves of her boyfriend? She took the offered hand and got on the bed. 

She kneeled beside Pink on the bed. Reaching out a hand to stroke the side of his stubbly face. She liked the feel of Steven's face, but Pink's felt appealing as well. She brought her face to his for a kiss that started off tentative but quickly intensified to the sort of thing she did to shut off Steven's mind. Before she knew it, she had her arms wrapped around Pink and found herself to have become nude. Feeling Pink's nakedness pressed up against her own, Connie let her mind go and just let need direct her. 

Steven sat at one end of the bed, watching Connie turn nude while kissing Pink. It was so hot to see both his hotties going at it. He didn't want to interfere and wasn't sure if it was a jump in wherever sort of thing, so he just enjoyed the show. Watching Connie's face as Pink did things to her, knowing how good she was feeling. And he did know to an extent because, in addition to just remembering his own turn a little while before, their link was spreading the pleasure between them. 

It also allowed Connie and Pink to feel how arousing Steven was finding watching them, which only intensified their pleasure. Pink was inside Connie and she was so filled with pleasure that a stadium of people could've been watching and she wouldn't have noticed. Her fingernails dug into Pink's shoulders as another intense orgasm overtook her. Steven was glad Connie was allowing herself this time because he knew she worked so hard all the time and hopefully this would energize her.

"Steven," Pink beckoned, "you should be participating more. Steven moved closer unsure what to do, and nervous because Pink and Connie were whispering to each other and he couldn't hear what they were saying. They both turned to Steven and pounced. He suddenly found himself the subject of all their focus, Connie was kissing him in that way she did that overloaded his brain and Pink's mouth and hands were roaming with the advantage of knowing how to best overwhelm him. They were both, however, leaving his genitalia completely untouched. Then Pink had Steven's hands pinned above his head and was kissing him while Connie was moving lower. 

"Are you going to make me beg?" Steven finally asked when he couldn't take the teasing any more. 

Connie slid a hand up Steven's inner thigh, veering at the last moment to avoid his genitals as she said, "I'm not sure if I understand what you mean..."

Steven was almost whimpering, his need was so intense, Pink was kissing Steven's neck and made his way to his ear. Pink was speaking so his breath was hitting Steven's ear in a way that induced shivers. "We know what you need. Do you want us to give it to you?" At Steven's adamant affirmations, Pink pulled back and looked Steven in his eyes and said, "First, we need something from you... we need you to extend your promise to us that you won't intentionally hurt yourself or try to remove me..." 

"You don't fight fair!" Steven practically moaned the words.

"We fight to win," Connie replied as she started kissing Steven's hip towards and then away again from his very erect penis.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me if you extend your promise to us," Pink had one hand still holding both of Steven's on the bed above his head. Pink's other hand held Steven's chin as he directed Steven's face to make eye contact. 

The few brain cells still functioning let Steven look into Pink's eyes and say, "If you promise this won't be the only time we do this..." Steven was doing his very best to stay focused, "if you promise that, I promise indefinitely, as long as I can and if I ever feel I'm ever in danger of breaking it, I'll tell you so you can stop me."

Despite Steven's frustrated squirming, there was sufficient eye contact, and what could be felt through the link, that let them know he was telling the truth and fully committing to his promise, so Connie and Pink were quick to reward Steven. The long build up caused Steven's orgasm to be so intense that, if he'd been awake, he would have lost conciousness.

And there was still so much night left to enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Pink can visit regular dreams easier than entering nightmares
>   * The link allows Connie to know she can decide to join or not join any dream containing both Pink and Steven
>   * A feeling of incompleteness from being 2 halves, plus genuine love for each other leads to Pink and Steven's relationship to now contain sexual aspects as well
>   * Connie takes actions in the dream that confirm she thinks of Steven and Pink as both being her boyfriend
>   * Pink really likes being called "My Diamond"
>   * Connie and Pink team up to coerce from Steven an indefinite extension of his promise not to hurt himself or remove his gem and to warn them if he ever feels in danger of violating that promise
>   * When Steven is able to dream of his mother's former garden, he thinks of it as "The Garden" and likes to test out different ideas for restoring it
>   * Connie agrees to the premise that sex in dreams is a great idea for not having to worry about the negative aspects of sex in the waking world
>   * Connie and Pink have a shared motto of "We fight to win"
> 



	8. Two Days Before Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Optimism, terror, hope and support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's roughly twice as long as usual, but hopefully makes up for Chapter 7 being very short and probably sucking.
> 
> Also, warning that there's some mention of sexual things

Steven knew he promised to live and he now looked forward to dream time, but it didn't mean he was "cured", whatever that might mean. Laying in bed the morning after the first shared good dream (good?... try great), Steven felt relaxed and actually not dreading the day for the first time in ages.

With a vibe behind it that radiated pride, satisfaction and amusement, Pink spoke _*Someone's feeling relaxed and content right now... I wonder why that might be?*_

****Yeah, gee, who knows? I feel like now if I call you a dick, I'm going to get distracted by thinking about that.****

_*Thinking about what?*_ Pink feigned ignorance. He wanted to hear Steven say it.

Steven got a mild blush and replied, ****Thinking about your amazing dick.**** Steven blushed a little darker, but Pink had made him feel so good, he couldn't begrudge him his kudos. 

_*My only regret is not thinking of it sooner.*_

****My only regret, well besides neither of us thinking of that sooner, is I know I've given you a new tool to get your way. I hope you don't abuse the ability to withhold sex. Maybe think of it like the steak you feed the lion so he doesn't eat you.**** And that made him think something that he didn't say but that his counterpart similarly thought of.

 _*But I **like** when you eat me.*_ and Steven grew another shade darker, but didn't mind the light hearted teasing.

Giving Pink the win, Steven replied, ****Mmm, well you taste like strawberries...**** he trailed off, remembering. A pleasant shiver ran up Steven's spine and he spoke aloud, "Well, that's enough lingering, I smell breakfast."

Steven stood and stretched and saw Garnet waiting in his doorway, he assumed it was only to supervise him on the stairs, but she had a dual purpose, "Steven," she spoke quietly while they descended the stairs, "we're going to turn the baby monitor off at night going forward. It was my watch last night and you occasionally... talk in your sleep."

Steven flushed red and looked to see the small smirk on Garnet's face. Internally, Pink was awash with pride, knowing someone additional knew how good he could make Steven feel. Trying to quell his blush, Steven quietly said to Garnet, "Well you've definitely made Pink's day."

As she got Steven to the bathroom door, to shower before breakfast, she whispered in his ear, "Seems only fair considering how he seemed to have made your night." And with that she went to start her day. Steven was so cute when he blushed. 

Steven was grateful to close himself up in the privacy of the bathroom before he could potentially blush to the point of self combustion. Pink was beside himself, enjoying the entire exchange immensely. Steven didn't bother saying anything and just started getting himself cleaned up.

\------

"Steven, are you all right?" Pearl asked as she placed a large glass of ice water in front of him at the kitchen counter. 

Steven took a long drink of his water, then asked, "As far as I know, I am, why?"

"You just look a bit distracted," Pearl commented as she placed a plate of food in front of him. 

"Oh, well, that's just because Pink's especially chatty this morning. We had a good night and are feeling energized and ready to face the day."

Pearl smiled, "I'm glad to hear that."

"You'll be especially glad to know I've promised to not hurt myself or try to remove my gem indefinitely."

Pearl's face lit up and she came around and hugged Steven, "That's wonderful news! What caused the change?"

Slight blush, Steven answered, "Let's just say that Pink can be very persuasive when he wants to be," and Steven started shoveling food into his mouth enthusiastically. 

\--------

Back on his bed, Steven smiled as Dr Hashman took his usual seat between the balcony door and the bed. Dr Hashman smiled back at Steven, "You seem to be in a good mood and Pearl told me the good news about your promise."

Steven's smile widened, "We discovered that Pink can also visit regular dreams and that our new link with Connie means she has the ability to visit or not visit my dreams as she chooses and so the two of them basically had the entire night to argue their case. And when those two team up. I don't stand a chance against them." Another hint of a blush came to Steven's face.

Getting an idea of what that persuasion might've been, the doctor got a touch of a blush, too. "Well, we don't need to go into details of how they convinced you, I'll just note that you've added an indefinite extension to your promise."

Steven got a more serious look on his face, "And I'm not claiming all my problems are solved or that I think I'm cured or anything like that. I've just become slightly more optimistic about the potential for the future."

"I understand. Have you come up with any new goals?"

Steven thought for a moment, and then stood. "If you would follow me upstairs, I want to show you some gardening I've been planning."

"Oh," the doctor was surprised at the move, but had no objection, "That sounds interesting." He followed Steven out onto the balcony and up the stairs to the greenhouse/galaxy warp. "Oh, you have some lovely plants here."

"Thank you, but we've got one more step to go." Steven stepped on the warp pad and gestured for the doctor to join him. Dr Hashman stepped onto the shiny white raised circle, wondering what Steven was planning. Steven warned, "Something that will seem weird is about to happen, but don't worry, it's nothing bad."

Dr Hashman didn't even have time to wonder what Steven meant before they were surrounded by light and floating through some sort of vertical tunnel. Next thing he knew, Steven was steadying him as they were suddenly somewhere else. There was a clear dome overhead and it seemed to suggest they were out in space. Looking around he saw the dilapidated remains of what looked to have possibly been a garden at some point. 

"This was our mother's garden... before she abandoned it and everything related to it. It's languished for 6000 years, stagnant. I was thinking of... well not exactly restoring it, because I don't want to make it like how it was with mom. More like I want to reclaim it and erase her from it and make it a place for me and Pink. I mean you might've noticed that I don't have a lot of privacy at home. I mean there's the bathroom and I guess my mom's room in the temple but that's it. I thought my gardening and general plant and design skills could be used to make this place really something. And it's big enough that it wouldn't just be some quick project. It could become like a sanctuary for the sake of my mental health."

_*I didn't know you'd thought this much about this. I like the idea.*_

"Well, Pink, maybe I have depths even you haven't discovered yet." He then looked at the doctor, "Pink's on board with this idea."

The doctor looked around, in thought, before saying, "This seems like a worthwhile choice for a passion project." Steven flushed slightly at the doctor's phrasing. "But I do hope you have other long term goals besides this."

"Like what?" Steven asked.

"Well, would you be doing anything else at the same time or would you be spending all day, every day on this until it's done? And what's your plan for after you've finished everything you want to do to this garden?"

Steven paused a moment, surveying their surroundings, "Well, I thought I might take video of all the before and after and all the in between of what I do to this place to put on Tubetube in case anyone is interested, so that would mean I'd also have video editing in addition to the ordering, filming, actual physical work and planning. That seemed like plenty for the during, and I'd maybe fit in fun trips or going to the movies or stuff like that as breaks during. I figure, since it's just gonna be me doing all of it, it could take years to complete and it's not like I gotta rush to get a day job since dad's rich and I figured by the time I'd be done hopefully Connie wil be ready to marry me and I can be a house husband and eventually stay at home dad."

"But most of that's off the top of my head and also dependent on if Pink and I get fixed because, if we don't, I won't be around after about 7 months from now. And also depends on if we could get Pink his own separate body because then maybe he'd want to help with the garden or something and if he was helping, work would probably go faster."

"So there's been no progress on the tear issue?"

"Not that I'm aware of. I haven't gotten any updates from Peridot and I've been hesitant to contact her because I don't want her to feel like I'm putting additional pressure on her." They were still standing on the warp pad. "We could talk while walking around here if you wanted to check it out. Or I'd be willing to warp us to Homeworld if you want to see it from the warp pad briefly before warping away. Or many other places, if you'd like to take this opportunity to see things most humans have never seen."

Dr Hashman smiled and said, "Tempting though that may be, we need to focus on you right now."

"Warping home it is then. But if you ever want to take a trip across the galaxy, just let us know. It's one of the perks of knowing my family." And they warped back to the greenhouse. Steven was relieved to see the room still empty and not full of people worried about where they went. 

They headed out of the greenhouse / galaxy warp to go back to Steven's room, but, "White Diamond," Steven quietly gasped before ducking back into the greenhouse.

Dr Hashman stood on the walkway, staring in amazement at the giant woman in white standing nearby, facing the other direction. White noticed the sound of the closing greenhouse door and turned, making eye contact with the doctor, "You must be the human who's helping our little Starlight to get better!"

Even never having been attacked by her, the doctor much better understood the fear that this giant, glittering woman could provoke, "Y-yes, ma'am. I'm Dr Hashman and I'm a therapist."

Inside the greenhouse, Steven was trying his best not to hyperventilate, "Why #gasp# is #gasp# she #gasp# here?" 

_*Slow breaths Steven. C'mon, you can do this,*_ and Pink reached out of his gem because he knew how much comfort the physical touch added to his words. 

Steven had slid down the door so that he was sitting on the floor. Holding onto Pink's arm, while Pink ran his fingers soothingly through Steven's hair, Steven focused on his breathing and grounding himself. Once he'd gotten his breathing to a point where he could at least talk quietly without gasping, "Seriously, Pink. Why is she here?"

_*Best guess is she got confused about what day our birthday is on. I can't really think of anything else going on right now that should bring her to Earth*_

Steven was glad to have his phone with him. Before he could text or call, his phone started ringing. Caller ID showed it was Connie. He eagerly answered, "Connie, White Diamond is here!"

"I could sense you were upset. Are you in your room?"

"I'm in the greenhouse." Steven eyed the galaxy warp. "I could warp away."

"To where?" Pink and Connie both asked simultaneously. 

"I could go back to The Garden," Steven suggested. "I don't think she's ever gone there."

"Except there'd be no way to reach you to tell you when she'd left." Connie and Pink were also worried it might be hard to ever get him to leave The Garden again. 

"There's the planet I went to with Lapis, where the other two Lapis Lazuli were still terraforming a few months ago. You could tell the gems and they could send Lapis to come get us."

"That might work, but I feel like Pink disagrees," it seemed their activities the previous night may have strengthened their connection. 

"What do you think, Pink?" Steven asked, communicating out loud so that Connie could still follow the group conversation in case only feelings and not their mind speech could travel far enough to reach her, "I never promised to ever confront her, and even if I had, y-you can't think I'd be ready for that yet!... I know you'd protect me but... I... stop, Pink, I want to hear what Connie thinks." 

"Well, I don't know what other arguments he gave except to agree I trust he could protect you... and you wouldn't have to worry about yourself attacking her, since Pink's got control of the powers. I'm assuming the pros he's suggesting is closure or something. On the cons list, if you don't feel prepared, you might not be as effective at conveying your point, you could end up feeling further traumatized or Pink could lose his temper or feel you're in danger enough to shatter her himself."

Before Pink or Steven could reply, they heard White's voice outside, speaking loudly nearby, "Little Starlight, are you in there? Your little human friend wouldn't tell me but I can't imagine you just let some human roam around here unattended. We've come to deliver your birthday present." 

Steven stood, Pink withdrew his arm and Steven moved further from the door, staring in that direction. 

Another voice rang out, even closer, as the door opened, "I'll check!" And then Steven locked eyes with Spinel, "He is in here, my Diamonds!" Spinel managed to stretch herself to wrap around Steven before he could reach the warp. "Mmmwaw!" Spinel kissed him on his nose. "Hey, Steven! Are you playing hide and seek?"

"Um..." Steven didn't know what to say. "Are all three diamonds here?"

"Of course, silly! They wouldn't forget your birthday!"

Steven was slightly calmer when Spinel didn't immediately drag him outside and White didn't peel the roof off, "Do they know it's not for a couple more days?"

Spinel looked shocked. "They got the day wrong? They're gonna be so embarrassed!"

"Well you could tell them you didn't catch me before I went somewhere and so maybe they'll leave to come back in two days..." of course Steven wasn't wanting to encourage the coming back, but Step 1 was getting them to go away. 

"Nah, the embarrassment will just help them better remember next year," and then Spinel did start dragging Steven towards the door. 

Garnet entered and Steven was relieved that she could help, so he was surprised by what she said, "Steven, trust me and go out on the balcony and confront White." Spinel stopped moving and was asking why confronting, but Steven was too busy returning to panicking, and Garnet continuing to speak, to pay attention, "I've looked ahead. We'll all be with you on the balcony and it will go great and then you won't have it looming over you anymore."

"It goes great?" Steven asked hesitantly. Meanwhile, Pink was sending Lion to get Connie so they'd either have more backup or more escape options. Steven looked past Garnet towards the door and then back at Garnet. He knew Garnet wouldn't set him up to fail. "Could you tell me what I say?"

Garnet shook her head, "If you try to speak from memory instead of truly from yourself, it doesn't go so well. Dr Hashman, your dad, Connie, Lion and all of us would be around you for support."

Lion and Connie arrived in the greenhouse just then and Connie hung up her phone. Any awkward that might've been after their first face to face in the waking world since their dream tryst was forgotten due to the present circumstances. Connie pulled him into a hug, "If you want to do this, we're here for you, but I'll also back you if you feel you're not ready yet."

"Did you hear when Garnet said it'd go good if I do it now?" Steven was still conflicted and fighting the part of himself that wanted to sprint to the warp pad and warp to his garden. 

Spinel had unwound herself from Steven, still trying to get an answer to what everyone was talking about. White's voice spoke loudly, right outside, "Spinel, are you still in there? Is Steven with you?" Spinel looked to Steven. 

Despite the chill that ran up his spine at her voice, Steven gave Spinel a nod, causing her to run out to inform White Diamond that Steven was coming. 

Steven took a steadying breath, "I've just got to remind myself all the times I've talked to her or even been alone with her since then. I doubt she knows anything's changed." Steven took another deep, slow breath in and out, trying to get his legs to propel him forward. "I might need to be pushed."

"Maybe we shouldn't do this, then," Connie worried. 

"No, it's fine. I just am in a standoff with my legs that are trying to run the other way. I just have to breathe for a minute, maybe..." Steven could feel his legs resisting him, "I trust Garnet that it'll go well and I trust Pink to protect me if it somehow doesn't." And I'm so pathetic that it's taking everything not to run away and I have to do this. I have to do this now or I'm calling Garnet a liar and I'm saying I don't trust Pink to protect me and why can't I do this? Why am I so pitiful and disgusting and pathetic and, "I can't. I'm sorry, I can't," Tears were spilling out of his eyes that still were locked on the door. He realized at some point, he must've been losing ground because his back was pressed up against Lion's side. He had no memory of when that happened. "I believe you, Garnet, I do, but I still just can't... please..."

Spinel opened the door to look in to see what was taking so long. She saw Steven's tormented face and yelled back presumably towards the diamonds, "I was wrong! He left. He's probably not expecting us until his birthday in two days!" She winked at Steven before closing the door. 

White's voice could be heard, "It isn't today? How embarrassing! I'm so glad Steven wasn't here to see it."

Steven slid down Lion's side, still leaning against the now seated feline, then pulling his legs up to hold and bending his head forward, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." If he hadn't just reinforced his promise to Pink that morning, he'd have ripped his gem out right then and there. He hated himself so much in that moment. "...I'm sorry..." He was filled with an overwhelming need to hurt himself right then, but he just hugged his legs and cried.

Connie had knelt down beside Steven as he'd sat. She seemed to possibly be talking, but it was just a vague noise. His heart was pounding so loudly in his ears, it was drowning everything else out. Pink might even be talking, he couldn't tell. He threaded his fingers into his hair on both sides of his head, pulling like he could lessen the pressure building in his head somehow. The pounding in his ears was obscuring all other sound, both internally and externally. The only other thing he could 'hear' was the non stop hate he was thinking towards himself. Stupid. Worthless. Cowardly. Loser. Should just drown me. Waste of carbon. Disgusting piece of shit who should've never been born. Garbage.... Suddenly, Pink was hugging him. "Wha-?"

Steven hadn't noticed the conversation between Connie and Pink where Pink got Connie to shift Steven's legs to stop blocking his gem. Steven hadn't noticed it was what had freed up his hands and led to Steven grabbing his own hair. So internally focused, Steven didn't even notice Pink manifesting halfway out of their gem until Pink's arms were wrapped around him. 

Steven couldn't stop himself leaning into the hug, burying his face in Pink's chest as he started to apologize out loud, "I'm sorry I'm so pathetic and weak and cowardly and stu-"

"Ssshhhh...." Pink squeezed Steven closer and soothingly said, "Steven you're ok. Nobody's upset with you. Nobody's even disappointed in you."

"...but I'm such a pathetic coward-"

"Steven," Pink put his hands around Steven's upper arms and gently held him away just enough to get Steven to look at him, "Your entire body was telling you to run, but you didn't! You're so focused on not moving forward, but I'm so proud of you! I felt how much you wanted to run away, but you kept fighting it and trying to go out there. That wasn't cowardly; that was so brave!"

Tear-filled eyes looked into beautiful eyes with diamond-shaped pupils, "It was?"

Pink leaned forward, kissed Steven's forehead and then pulled back to make eye contact again, "I'm not the only one that thinks so."

Steven only then noticed they weren't alone. His back was still against Lion, who gave a big lick on the top of both his and Pink's heads. Connie was right beside them, with a hand on each of their shoulders, "Seriously, Steven, even if I hadn't been able to feel it through our link, I could read on your face how scared you were, but you still tried to go out there. You didn't let yourself run or shut down, you fought and kept your ground," Connie kissed his temple. 

Garnet squatted down on Steven's other side, "Garnet, wasn't it basically like calling you a liar or saying I don't trust you by not going out there?" Several big tears escaped his eyes and ran down his face.

Garnet reached a hand to cup his cheek and used a thumb to brush away some of his tears, "Steven, reason doesn't always matter when it comes to fear. I know you love and trust me. I also know that you pushed yourself very hard to overcome your fear. I'm very proud of you." Garnet kissed his other temple. 

Standing in front of Steven and visible past Pink's shoulder, Dr Hashman spoke, "Steven, I never had to experience what you did with White Diamond and her mere presence had me frozen in place until she left. The fact that, despite your history with her adding even more to fear, you still tried to go out there is amazing. It's something I would never have even suggested at your current stage of therapy and yet you still tried and almost succeeded at it. Of all the things I could call you, neither the word pathetic nor coward would be among them. I'm going to let you rest and fully process what just happened and I'll be back tomorrow so that we can talk about it. Ok?"

Steven just mutely nodded understanding, then Garnet stood and said to the doctor, "I'll walk you out," leaving the trio plus Lion alone in the greenhouse. 

Steven wrapped his arms around Pink, saying, "Now this is something I can hug!" Steven squeezed Pink close, resting his head on Pink's shoulder, and looking at Connie, "What do I do in two days?"

Connie shared a glance with Pink before looking back at Steven, "We'll think of something. But, for the moment, we're going to stay focused on what you've accomplished today," and then Connie hugged both of her men.

\---------

While they were hugging, they heard the warp activate. Startled, all three looked to see Spinel approaching. Her eyes were large as she took in the sight of half a person protruding from Steven's abdomen. "What's this?" She asked in a friendly, slightly awed, tone. "I came to see what's the issue with the Diamonds and you, but the plot thickens."

Steven looked at Pink and Connie, "I guess she should know, especially since some of it is because of her."

"What!?" Spinel asked, shocked. 

Steven smiled at her, patted beside himself and across from Connie, "Settle down right here. I've got a story to tell you. But first, this is Pink, but he's not your Pink. He's mine and he already knows who you are." Steven put a hand on Spinel's arm, "I'm gonna bring you up to date from about 3 years ago. I don't like, no more like I absolutely despise talking about it, so please save any questions or comments until I'm done so I can get through it all." 

Steven then proceeded to tell a summarized version of the encounter with White when he was 14. Spinel slapped both her hands over her mouth and held them there to not interrupt as she continued to listen. She almost started apologizing at the rejuvenator part, but managed to stop herself. Steven included mention of the nightmare and concluded with mention of the looming 7 month deadline. 

Spinel wound her arms around the trio, crying, "I'm so sorry for my part!"

"We know."

"Do Blue and Yellow know what White did to you?"

"Only if she told them herself."

"And do any of them know about-"

"It's safe to say they likely don't know any of it and even White only knows what she did."

"Can I tell the Diamonds?" Spinel asked.

Steven looked at Pink and Connie, "What do you guys think?"

Everybody was quiet for a moment, thinking, while Lion just yawned and laid down, still providing a warm body for Steven to lean against. "It does help that Spinel isn't afraid of them, so she could talk to all three at once and then maybe Blue and Yellow would confront White about her part in this," Connie speculated. 

"It's also possible that they might have ideas for solutions."

"Do you really think so? I mean, we're one of a kind. How would they have any better ideas? What would be an equivalent affliction for someone 100% gem?"

Nobody seemed to have a suggestion, so Spinel suggested, "What would it hurt for me to tell them? Even if they can't solve it, it sounds like it's still better for me to tell them now."

Steven saw nobody was commenting or objecting, so he spoke, "One very important thing if you're telling them." Steven paused a moment, debating how to say the next bit, "I know you don't have any control over them. You can't stop them doing something or make them do something, but could you try to... encourage them to not come back here? Ever would be amazing but at least, not until our birthday? I just don't think I'll be able to eat or sleep if at any moment they might drop back in," he was staring at Pink's chest while he spoke. He hadn't noticed until now that Pink was topless. It was a pleasing distraction. 

Spinel hugged both Steven and Pink and said, "I'll do my best and if they go off in their ship anyway, I'll warp here to warn you, okay?"

Steven was hesitant to take his eyes from Pink's chest for a different reason than why he originally was vaguely looking there, but he spoke to Spinel, "You really can be sweet when you're not trying to kill me."

"Aw, shucks."

\---------

After Spinel warped out, the trio looked at each other, "I'm kind of afraid to leave this room," Steven confessed. "I feel like escape is right there."

"Couldn't you just as easily hide in the temple if you needed to or just use the downstairs warp to go somewhere else on earth?"

"You know my eyes are up here."

"I know it's just, were you shirtless the entire time?" At the affirmative response, "I'm just shocked it took me so long to notice."

"It just shows how very upset you were then and how you're at least somewhat better now."

"I know you'll probably need or want to withdraw back into your gem, but can it wait for a bit?" Steven hugged Pink close, "Ever since we saw her... my stomach's hurting worse and since you came out, it's starting to improve." Steven worried he was being too selfish but was also trying to be more forthcoming like they wanted. 

Pink hugged Steven back, "I do seem to have a better connection to you externally then my internal pathways affected by the tear."

Connie had been quiet, but reached out to pinch each of their cheeks, saying, "You two are so adorable!" Without a word between them, each reached out an arm and made it a three person hug. 

"Kiss me, please," Steven requested of Pink. Steven thought it might more directly help his stomach, but he also wanted to compare it to kissing in their dreamscape. Pink obliged his request and the kiss was somehow even better than in the dream, possibly due to details that blur in dreams versus reality where you experienced the totality of the action. 

Eventually, the kiss ends and Steven has stars in his eyes, "Wow," and while Pink grinned proudly at the reaction he had gotten, Steven turned to Connie, "You need to kiss him right now!"

Connie blushed, "I've kissed him in the dream last night. I already know he's good at it."

Steven blushed a bit, too, from remembering their awesome night, "That's why you need to kiss him now, to see how it's somehow even better in real life," a thought suddenly occurred to Steven, "I mean, if Pink wants to." Looking at Pink, "Sorry, I'm not trying to pimp you out."

Pink smiled, "I know. You're just proud to show off my skills." 

Another blush from Steven, "I'm also trying to give her a taste before I can no longer resist kissing you again, because I really could see me just spending the next several hours kissing you if you let me."

Now was Pink's turn to blush, turning a darker shade of pink. "I really enjoy kissing you, too." He turned to look at Connie, "And I really like kissing you." Pink reached a hand out and cupped Connie's cheek, causing her to lean into his touch. 

The three spent a bit more time in the greenhouse before grumbling stomachs finally forced them downstairs. 

\---------

Steven and Connie sat at the kitchen counter, Pink having withdrawn back into his gem. Pearl hadn't expected to be feeding 2 humans, but she was still shocked by the unexpected arrival of the Diamonds, so she just split the dish and gave them each some grape juice and a peach to balance out some of the missing food. They tried to tell her it was enough food, but she insisted they each had to eat the fruit as well. 

"So... best case scenario is probably them coming back on our birthday? Worst case is... they blow up the planet?"

"What?"

"They're not going to blow up the planet, Pearl. Steven is just being melodramatic. Spinel is confronting the Diamonds right now about what White did to Steven because we think Blue and Yellow don't know about it."

"I just don't know how they'll react. White might've already told them about it or it might be fresh information to them."

"Well, I agree with Connie. I can't really imagine a scenario where finding out would make them attack the earth, but we'll keep on guard better for surprise visits."

"Spinel said she'd warp here to warn us if they head back here in their ship." Steven pushed his food around, "Even if they don't come back until our birthday, I'm not even ready to handle more than a few regular people at a time, maybe Blue or Yellow one on one and definitely not White."

"Steven, don't play with your food. Eat."

Steven begrudgingly began putting food in his mouth, his stomach still not 100% on board with that plan. "I actually haven't asked if there are any official plans for our birthday."

"You keep saying 'our' birthday. Are you including Pink?"

"Well, yeah. It's his birthday, too. Plus, I told him he's due 16 years of presents in addition to a present for this year. Though, I haven't been able to get him anything because how do you shop for someone who sees everything you do?"

"Well, does he like the same food as you?"

_*As far as I'm aware.*_

"He says 'as far as he is aware'."

"Has he told you what presents he wants?"

"How about I just switch with him and he can talk directly with you and also go ahead and finish lunch, please."

Steven glowed pink, "Steven told me to think of what I might want, but most of our tastes are identical so anything he gets is probably something I like, too so just say the presents are for both of us and you don't have to even get anything extra." Pink picked up a fork and began eating what was left of Steven's lunch, which was most of it. "By the way, Pearl, this food is really good."

Pearl smiled, "Thank you, Pink." Pearl's expression changed to concern, "I'm sorry that I hadn't thought about how it's your birthday, too. Are you sure there's nothing you can think of that can be just for you?"

Pink thought during a few bites of food, "I'm really content with just having Steven healthy and happy and having Connie close by," he gave Connie a smile that made her heart and stomach switch places, and for that to somehow be a good thing. Connie blushed and tried to finish her lunch as Pink continued to speak with Pearl, "but if I absolutely had to pick something specifically for me, I'd say, maybe an MP3 player so I can listen to music or audio books of my choice while Steven is watching or reading something I'm not interested in."

"Oh, that's a nice idea! And additional presents could be gift cards to purchase the music and audio books! Very good idea, Pink!" Pearl smiled at him, "Well, I'll leave you two to finish eating and I'll update the other gems about Spinel."

After Pink and Connie were alone, Connie asked, "Do you think if we sent a message to Homeworld asking White not to come she'd honor it?"

"I think if Spinel is talking to all three, that even if she doesn't like it, the other Diamonds would pressure her to honor our wishes."

"I hope so. Her presence is definitely the last thing Steven needs to deal with during this part of recovery."

After lunch, Steven was in no rush to be in front again, so he asked to hang out in the void - both for him to decompress and also to give Pink and Connie some alone time together. They decided to hang out on Steven's bed, since Steven's body was still supposed to be taking things easy.

When they first got on the bed, they sat side by side kind of awkwardly before Connie commented, "Considering things you and I did in last night's dream, I feel like I shouldn't feel awkward around you at all, but..."

"I think it's because we haven't really gotten to spend much time one on one except for when something bad is happening to Steven. I think if we just maybe play some video games and come up with some random non intense things to talk about, you can get to know my personality a bit better and I can get to know you when reacting to specifically me." Connie had no objections so Pink and Connie played a couple video games, talking about light hearted topics and making jokes. 

Before she even realized it, Connie was leaning against Pink while they were watching a DVD and when Pink put an arm around her, she just snuggled in more, completely comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that she actually drifted off for a while into a short nap. When she woke up and there was still that distinctive pink glow, she was happy about how right everything felt. 

"At first, I wondered how we would be able to make this relationship work, but since you're both just the parts that combine into the boy I've always loved, it's really like I'm just with the same core, and it's just different aspects of the whole. I find that I trust you both, I enjoy both of your company and... because you're you but you're also him and the differences and similarities balance out and I don't know how to really explain it except to say I love you both separately and combined because how could I not love the parts that make up the whole of someone I love?" She decided her words weren't properly conveying the point she wanted to make so she knelt and faced Pink, took his face in her hands and kissed him as passionately as she was capable. "Am I making any sense?" She asked when they finally finished the kiss

"I think I understand completely," Pink replied and then they started an epic makeout session. 

When Pink greeted Steven leaving the void, he updated him that Connie had gone home, they were in bed for the night, and Connie wasn't gonna visit their dreams tonight so that Steven and Pink could have some one-on-one time of their own. 

\--------


	9. Spinel Confronts the Diamonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel confronts the Diamonds about what she'd just learned

Spinel had requested the Diamonds meet her in White's room. Once they were all together, Spinel stood on Yellow's shoulder, "I warped back to Earth and I found out some things I didn't know and it led me to ask some questions that only you three might be able to answer."

"Well," Yellow commented, "We're all ears, Spinel."

"Thank you, Yellow. Did White Diamond ever tell you about everything she did while you and Blue were under control of her powers 3 years ago?"

"You mean attacking Steven and his friends? We were able to tell there had been fighting and somehow during it, Steven managed to change White's mind. But, come to think of it, we don't know what exactly he said or did to get through to her."

"Well," Blue added, "we know he somehow made her blush."

"So," Spinel continued as White remained quiet, "she didn't mention removing Steven's gem from his body?"

"What?!" Blue and Yellow both gasped, immediately looking towards White in horror. 

White Diamond hung her head in shame, and admitted, "It's true. I didn't yet believe that Pink wasn't just hiding in a human. I was convinced that if I popped her out of her disguise, she'd admit to the whole thing being a trick."

Spinel had believed Steven but, even so, it was still jolting to hear White confirm it. Spinel addressed White from Yellow's shoulder, "Did you know that Steven describes it as the time you horribly and painfully ripped him in half?"

White dramatically gasped, "He what?"

"He says he felt every cell in his body ripping in half and even when both his halves were able to recombine, there was a tear left that started growing," Now, it was Spinel who hung her head in shame, "...a tear that was made worse when I attacked him a year ago with the rejuvenator." Spinel hugged Yellow's head and sniffled and then leapt over to Blue, "And now, the tear between him and his gem is so bad, if it doesn't get fixed within seven months he's going to die!" And Spinel started loudly sobbing.

"Oh, stars," said Yellow at the news.

"This is terrible!" Blue added, as she comforted Spinel and began to cry as well herself. 

White Diamond stood frozen in shock, then started to dramatically sob and, "I didn't mean for this to happen!"

Yellow was crying but was also the only one holding herself mostly together, "We can't just sit around crying! We need to find a way to save Steven!"


	10. Pink Dream 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pink and Steven spend time in dream version of The Garden

Steven was once again dreaming about his garden plans. Pink found himself in the garden, but didn't immediately see Steven. He walked between the two trellises that Steven added last time and saw something new at the end of the path. There were bushes that were about ten feet tall and had an entrance opening cut into them. As he reached the bushes and looked through the opening, he could see Steven standing in the middle of a room created by a circle shape of the bushes and flowering vines across a lattice above in a quasi ceiling. He stood in an open circle formed by two tables made of stone and shaped like a pair of parentheses in the middle of this room. Steven was facing the back of the room, so he didn't see Pink's approach. Steven had a third parenthesis-shaped stone table positioned further back than the other two with concave side towards the entrance. Seats of matching curved benches were on the outside of the three tables so that the seated would all face toward the center. In the back of the room was a day bed partially separated from the main area by a curtain of hanging vines. 

Pink quietly brought his arms around Steven from behind and it demonstrated how safe Steven felt in this dream that Steven wasn't startled and instead just leaned back against Pink and hugged the glowing pink arms to himself. With a tilt back of his head, Steven looked up at Pink with a smile. "It's not a fully decided layout but I thought it might be nice to have a more private area within the garden."

"And the tables? It appears to be seating for more than three, unless you intend us each to have our own bench."

Pointing at the 3rd table that was between them and the day bed, Steven explained, "I was thinking our trio would sit there and then we could have friends and family sit at the two larger tables... if we were to ever invite them to gather here in real life."

Pink rested his chin on top of Steven's head, highlighting the difference in their heights, and asked, "If?"

"Well, I like this as a private sanctuary, so I'd only ever have others come here if there was a way to limit who and when anyone outside the three of us could warp here." Steven turned around in Pink's embrace and looked up at him, "I'd hate for anyone to interrupt us when we're enjoying our privacy," and then gave Pink a look inviting a kiss. 

Everything else was quickly forgotten as Pink indulged the requested kiss that only ended after Pink lifted Steven and got them both to the day bed. It was covered in a variety of different pillows and, as Steven lay across them looking up at him, Pink was able to rip away Steven's clothes this time instead of having them just willed away. They made sure to make the most of their time alone.


	11. Day Before Birthday - Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel returns with news.

When Steven woke up, he started off in a decent mood, which Pink was more than happy to take full credit for. Unfortunately, it was soon degraded by the arrival of Spinel with news.

Steven had been halfway through breakfast, expecting the doctor to arrive in a little over an hour. Pearl suddenly froze in the middle of telling Steven about her previous evening's date with Bismuth. Steven turned to follow her gaze and almost fell off his stool when he saw Spinel standing on the stairs.

For a moment, nobody moved or spoke, then Spinel seemed to realize what they might be thinking and came in with gestures suggesting being calm as she said, "Nothing bad... probably. The Diamonds are not actively on their way... yet. Blue and Yellow are upset with White for what she did and White is sorry and upset for the resulting problems. However," Spinel stood next to the kitchen counter and her face became apologetic, "they all still plan to come for your birthday tomorrow, even though I told them you wouldn't want that." She hopped up to sit on the kitchen counter beside Steven's remaining breakfast, looking at it curiously before turning her attention back toward Steven, "They've decided it's their obligation to save you."

"Do they know a way to fix me?"

Spinel was swinging her legs back and forth nervously, "They don't have a clue. They've been thinking on it straight since my talk with them yesterday and their ideas have gotten more and more insane and they keep bickering and Blue and Yellow are super mad at White, so they keep sniping at her."

"If they don't have a solution, why are they so determined to come here?"

Spinel stopped swinging her legs. She looked a little guilty, "I tried to talk them out of it but... they think that maybe they'll figure something out if they examine you up close."

Steven felt cold. His mind was back being picked up by giant hands... _*Steven! Deep breaths. You're okay. You're okay!*_

Steven gulped in air, as he'd unknowingly stopped breathing. He stood and backed away from the counter, "No! You tell them if they come, I won't be here!" Steven's stomach churned and he wasn't sure whether his breakfast might be about to make a sudden reappearance. 

_*Let me talk to her*_ Steven wordlessly agreed and Pink took the front. Body and eyes glowing pink, surprising Spinel, who had not yet seen that. "Spinel, you tell the Diamonds that their welcome on Earth has been indefinitely revoked. It will be enforced by this Diamond," he pointed to himself, "and I will gladly shatter any one of them that tries to get near Steven without his express invitation."

Spinel's eyes were the size of dinner plates, Pearl's a close second in size. Pink didn't get angry easily, but he took Steven's safety serious above all else and White especially counted as a superior threat to both Steven's mind and body. Pink did not intend to risk the progress Steven had made for the sake of the egos of anyone, especially the Diamonds. Spinel slowly got down from the counter and hurried off, mumbling about going to relay the message. 

****Thank you, Pink.****

_*You know I'll always protect you.*_

Steven did his best to mentally send waves of love and gratitude for Pink to feel. ****Can you try to finish breakfast? Maybe it'll stay down if you eat it, but I still feel queasy.****

 _*Sure, no problem,*_ Pink thought towards Steven before sitting back at the kitchen counter and starting to eat the remaining breakfast. He took a couple bites, then stopped as he noticed Pearl was still staring at him with a shocked expression. "What?" He asked, but calmly like he was asking someone to repeat something he hadn't fully heard. 

Pearl didn't respond immediately. She seemed to take a moment to center herself before responding, "You threatened to shatter the Diamonds."

Expressionless, "And?"

"You can't do that!"

"I have a full accounting of my abilities and I assure you that it is something I am definitely capable of doing," Pink continued eating. 

"Pink, I'm not questioning your ability, I'm questioning... well... your morality. It's not that you are incapable, it's that you shouldn't."

Undisturbed, Pink replied, "It's on them. I will not hesitate to do anything and everything necessary to keep my loved ones safe. I can settle for poofing and bubbling, but you don't go into a fight without being sure you are ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to win. Hopefully, they'll take me seriously and the matter will never become an issue."

"But, Steven is still hurting from when he did that, how could you potentially put him through that again?"

One of Pink's strong traits was his patience; it's where the fully fused Steven Universe gets his endless patience from. Pink had finished eating, so he stood and put the plate in the sink. He then turned to Pearl and calmly replied, "Steven would be fine because he wouldn't be the one doing it. I would. He knows the lengths I am willing to go to for his safety and overall well being and the closest thing he gets to opposing it is his feelings of inadequacy about whether or not he's worth the effort."

****Can we see if Rose's room can show us what The Garden looked like 6000 years ago? I want to know what I want to avoid.*****

"We're going into Rose's room in the temple for a bit but will be back out in time for the doctor's arrival." Ignoring any protests from Pearl, Pink entered Rose's room. 

Pink willed the room to show what Steven wanted and they were suddenly in Pink Diamond's garden 6000 years ago. They walked around a bit, Steven commenting on the things he didn't like mostly, but there were a few things he admitted liking, ****I do like how the bushes along the edges of the dome make it less of a feel of "floating on a rock in space", though there might be alternate methods to achieve the same result. I also think a fountain would be a nice feature, just not necessarily looking like that one. And I do like there being a pond. It might be cool if we could even circulate the water in a way to create a mini stream that flows around and then back into the pond to help prevent stagnation.****

Pink loved hearing and feeling how excited Steven got once the creative ideas started flowing. "Maybe this will give you practice and you could become a professional landscaper and get your own show on a home improvement channel. Plus, you'd have an advantage over the competition because you have access to gem tech that would allow you to do things nobody else can."

Pink could feel the pleasant emotions flowing from Steven, ****And if we got you able to walk around separate, we'd have some viewers just tuning in to drool over my sexy right hand man.****

"You just want me to be eye candy," Pink fake pouted. 

****No, I'd want you to be my muscle and handy assistant in addition to being eye candy. Hey, I just had a thought... should I check with Spinel if she's okay with me doing anything with The Garden?****

"It's not like it was hers, it's just where she waited a long time. It technically belongs to us. Plus, she might like to see it transformed from what it was into something different to help further put it behind her."

****Yeah... I feel a little conflicted because I don't want to upset her, but I'm also worried if I asked her about it that she might have a problem with it and then I'd have to stop... I kind of assume she's never going to decide on her own to return there so, would it be bad if we just never mention it to her?****

"I don't see anything wrong with it. It's not really even her business what happens to it, now that she's moved on." Pink loved how energized the project was making Steven and that was while still in the pre-planning phase. He'd do his best to assure nothing derailed the project. 

****I'm kind of tempted to just spend our birthday hiding out there...****

"Well, it's our birthday. We should be able to spend it however we want." Before Steven could voice the worry he knew was coming, Pink continued, "and I'm sure the gems would want us to do whatever makes us the happiest."

****Maybe we could coordinate to briefly warp back when Connie's out of school to nab her and quickly port back again.****

They spoke a bit more about details of how they could spend their birthday, while they continued to walk around the recreation of Pink Diamond's garden, until it was nearing time for their appointment and they begrudgingly had to return to the real world. 

\---------


	12. Day Before Birthday - Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's therapy appointment the day before their birthday. Steven's in a good mood and Pink is happy and I consider this chapter about 99% happy, feel good but still furthering the plot.

Once they were settled back in their now-standard therapy positions, Dr Hashman started with, "So first, anything new since I left yesterday?"

Pink was still in front, so he relayed everything from Spinel warping back while they were still in the greenhouse all the way to the events of that morning, skipping only the several intimate moments like make outs and that night's dream. Pink made sure to brag about how Steven was the one yesterday to relay to Spinel all that happened between them and White without even trying to get someone else to do it.

"Well that is already a lot to process, even without the attempt to confront White Diamond prior to it. Could Steven tell me his thoughts on things, starting with the attempted confrontation?"

Steven didn't argue with switching to the front. He was grateful for all Pink had already handled for him, "Well, I've taken to heart everyone's claims that I was brave for making the attempt, though my stomach still churns at the memory. I'm comforted by the fact that both Spinel and Pink are handling interference between me and the Diamonds because I'm definitely not yet at a good place to properly manage that." 

Steven unconsciously pulled his legs to hug against his body as he continued, "When Spinel warped in, I figured, since we'd told people about her role in the tear, she deserved to know about it as well. And it had to be me to tell her because she should hear from someone she knows and she'd never met Connie or Pink before. I mean, Connie had threatened her with a sword at one point the day I first met Spinel, but I don't think that really counts."

"And you thought about all this and decided you should speak?"

"No, I mean maybe? I don't know, i just felt like I should tell her and the rest I thought of later." The doctor nodded for Steven to continue, "I spent some more time in the void to decompress and then bed. The reason Pink was in front today is because... when Spinel updated us, I was..." a couple slow, deep breaths, "I was flashing back to when White... picked me up and separated us..." Dr Hashman remained quiet while Steven worked on calming himself, "I'm hoping to have Pink and I away tomorrow in case they show up anyway."

Dr Hashman smiled, "I hope your birthday is enjoyable for both of you. And it works out nicely because I think we should go back to twice a week and I can go back to tending to all my patients again instead of just you, now that you are no longer in a place of possibly hurting yourself. You still hold to the promise you made Pink, correct?"

"Yeah. Hmm, so if this is the last of these types of appointments, will we go back to doing them at your office?" The doctor nodded and Steven continued, "So it's the last day for anyone downstairs to have a chance to listen in unless I bring them with me, right?" Another nod from the doctor, "So I might as well go big and ask something I need to know." The doctor didn't interrupt, so Steven took a deep breath and, grinning asked, "I'm wondering if I might be a narcissist because I'm in love with my other half as much as I'm in love with Connie."

Steven had rendered Pink speechless. Instead of words, he just felt waves of love and happy emotions radiating from his gem. "Does this mean that you are trying to decide between the two or is there some dilemma with the situation?"

"Connie loves both of us, so everything is cool there. She loves the combination and components of Steven Universe. My question is more of wondering that I notice people seem to announce their sexual preferences if they are not just heterosexual, and at first I thought maybe I'm bisexual, but technically Pink is sort of an entirely different species than me so then I was thinking maybe I'm pansexual because the container doesn't matter as much as the person inside the container. Though I have to admit that both of them happen to be in very nice looking containers. So I guess I'm asking if you think pansexual would be the correct term and also is it the type of thing that needs a formal announcement?"

"Well, sexuality is a matter for every person to discover on their own. I don't think the label that anyone would or will give you is as important as just knowing that you are happy. As for announcing it, you realize you've essentially announced it by speaking about it now."

Steven smiled, "I know, that's why I did it. Two birds, one stone and all that. Plus, I wanted Pink to know how much I mean it by making sure it's not a hidden thing because I'm not ashamed of loving him just like I'm not ashamed of loving Connie. Having the two of them in my life is something I consider worth everything else that's happened in my life up until now because I wouldn't change any of it if it meant I'd lose either of them." Steven's face took on a more serious expression, "But that doesn't mean I'm grateful to or forgive White or that I'm happy Spinel tried to kill me." His expression softened, "Though I might be grateful to the boulder that almost squashed Connie and the corrupted gem that dislodged it because it helped me stop being a coward and finally introduce myself to her." Then a mischievous smile appeared on Steven's face, "And you should mark in your notes that this is the first time I've ever made Pink speechless."

Steven felt a wave of mirth from Pink. _*I'll gladly go speechless for that type of news. I wish I could kiss you right now!*_

"Even Pink is finally seeing the benefits of if we could find a way to be able to unfuse now and then. In the meantime," Steven lifted his shirt with one hand, then kissed his fingers on the other hand and then put those fingers on his gem.

Dr Hashman chuckled and said, "I think we can end today's session right here so you can talk to Pink about this, but also for your birthday preparation. I hope you both have a very happy birthday." The Dr gave a quick couple pats on Steven's shoulder and then departed. 

_*I can't believe you actually admitted it, and for everyone to hear! I thought I was going to have to pry it out of you like I did in previous things.*_

Steven put his hands behind his head and laid back on his bed, "What can I do? You and I were literally made for each other. Resistance is futile. Also, don't act like you couldn't kiss me right now if you really wanted to." Steven fake pouted.

A glow started in Steven's gem and Pink pulled himself halfway out, "You know it's not easy to half manifest, right?"

Still in a playful mood, Steven replied with a smile, "But I'm worth it, right?" And booped Pink's nose. 

Smiling back, Pink replied, "Yes, you're exactly right. You are worth it." Pink loved seeing Steven in such a mood. As promised, now that he could, he kissed Steven. 

Unfortunately, it didn't get to last very long before Steven's room filled up with additional people. Begrudgingly separating from their kiss, they both turned to look expectantly at the group. 

Pearl was the first to speak, "Do you two really think that's appropriate? You're essentially brothers and isn't that sort of thing frowned upon in human society?"

Pink smiled, briefly noticing that Amethyst seemed to be there more to gawk and seemed to really like what she saw, then spoke to Pearl, "Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not human."

Steven had maintained his good mood thus far, and chuckled a bit at Pink's unabashed demeanor. "Yeah, Pearl, if you want to argue something, maybe something about inter species relations. Though, you really shouldn't disapprove of that since I wouldn't exist without some inter species interactions. Pink, maybe an attraction to inter species loving is a family trait."

"Well, I'm definitely loving another species," Pink smiled and gave Steven another kiss. 

Greg cleared his throat. When the boys looked his way, "I want whatever makes you, the both of you, happy, but I've gotta be honest and admit that it weirds me out." He was quick to add, "Which is my thing to deal with. I'm not putting that on either of you, I'm just saying there's gonna be an awkward period as I adapt."

"That's totally reasonable," Steven admitted, "It even took me a couple minutes to adapt to the idea."

Pink smirked, "Couple minutes? Your resistance lasted less than one."

"Can I speak?" Amethyst asked. With nods in answer, she continued, "You didn't even do yourself justice, Pink. I thought you exaggerated when you described yourself to Connie but, if anything, you under sold it. Literally nobody could possibly resist you looking like that."

Steven chuckled, "And you're only seeing half of him. Just picture if you could see all of him. You might faint."

From behind the trio, Peridot, Bismuth and Lapis came into view. Garnet just stayed downstairs and yelled up, "They already know how I feel about it."

"True, she finds our love adorable."

Pearl was shocked, "She already knew?"

Steven was trying to keep his good mood despite feeling more and more crowded. "Garnet knows all. She is wise... and she's really a hopeless romantic."

Lapis spoke, "I don't really understand this, but also don't really care as long as it's not bad for Steven."

"I agree with Lapis. Whatever makes Steven happy," Peridot couldn't seem to look directly at them, though, and there was definitely a blush on her face. 

Bismuth took one of Pearl's hands, the one with the bracelet she'd made, "Pearl, you're not opposing love, are you?"

"I'm not opposing love, I'm just... concerned that this might not be good for Steven long term. Even right now, he's looking unwell."

"That's because his room is shoulder to shoulder full and he's trying not to panic," Pink loved all of them, and loved Pearl like a beloved aunt, but at the moment, concern for Steven took priority. 

Everyone but Pearl hastily left the room, Steven started unclenching tensed muscles. "It's okay if you're worried. We know you love us and that your objections come from a place of concern, but you'll eventually just have to find a way to make your peace with it because Pink, Connie and I are a complete package. We won't change our minds about this. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like some privacy so I can go back to making out with my boyfriend."

Pearl awkwardly left the room. Trying to keep the mood light, Pink smirked at Steven, "Your boyfriend, huh? Is that how you ask me?"

Steven smirked back, "Shut up and kiss me."

"Yes, sir."

\---------

Awhile later, during a brief break in kissing to allow Steven to catch his breath, "I'm wondering something, can you tell how my stomach's doing right now?"

"Is it hurting?"

"No, and I mean not at all."

Pink got what Steven thought of as his AFK (away from keyboard) face that meant he was focusing on checking something, which he only ever previously had been able to see on his mental avatar. When his eyes refocused on Steven, his eyes widened, "I think I healed you," and broke into an incredulous grin.

Steven smiled back at Pink, "This relationship is the gift that just keeps on giving." And couldn't help himself from pulling Pink into a kiss of gratitude. After a few more kisses of celebrating / gratitude, Steven asked, "What about my heart?"

The frown let Steven know the answer before Pink could say anything after he checked, "It still shows damage."

Steven frowned too, "Well, that sucks, but let's not lose focus on my stomach being good for the first time in years!" It was a bit of a role reversal for them to have Steven trying to look on the bright side. "Maybe if we can figure out the difference we'll be closer to fixing the tear."

"Hmmm," Pink thought a moment, "Well it is only about lunch time. We could eat and then go see Peridot and have her do another scan."

Steven smiled,"There's my optimist! Thank goodness because looking at the bright side felt weird and I can go back to pessimism now."

"Don't you dare," Pink warned before kissing him again. Eventually, Pink had to withdraw back into his gem so that Steven could eat lunch and make the trip to see Peridot.


	13. Day Before Birthday - Seeing Peridot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how or when it happened, but you might be able to tell that I'm very fond of Peridot.

"Hmmm," Peridot tweaked some things while Steven/Pink patiently sat hooked up to over a dozen wires. "You do have a healing of the damage in your stomach, well... most of it..."

"Most of it?" Pink asked. He was in front because he'd be more likely to know answers to any questions Peridot might have. 

"Yes, it appears the stress-related damage has been healed but the damage from the tear remains. It's not surprising you can't detect it for the very reason that the tear affects your connection."

"Has there been any changes to the tear at all?"

"It does appear to have slowed a small degree but I don't know if it is related to anything specific." She switched screens to a different set of readings, "Hmmm," and then she shifted a wire and pulled a different device out to connect and then adjusted the screen with readings to refresh it.

Even Pink's patience has limits and he couldn't stop himself from finally saying, "Please follow up on what you're seeing."

Peridot looked startled like she'd almost forgotten they were there, "Oh! Yes, apologies, I just wanted to be sure I was interpreting the data correctly before saying anything." Pink looked at her expectantly, "It seems that, before I feel comfortable to respond, I need you to half manifest out of your gem like how you were... earlier today." Peridot blushed slightly at the memory. 

Steven was back in his own head, shirt pulled up and watching Pink half emerge from his gem. Peridot noted readings and then took the wires she had removed from the gem and some she reattached to the edges of it and others plus additional she attached directly to Pink. "Now I need you not to be touching Steven at all except for your gem touching him, of course." Pink crossed his arms and held still as Steven smiled and admired the view. After a few minutes, Peridot said, "Okay, now touch him."

"Yes, please," Steven agreed with a smile. He just couldn't shake his good mood. 

Pink put his hands on Steven's stomach, under his shirt. Steven grabbed Pink's wrists, planning to move Pink's hands but Peridot called out, "Yes, just like that. Don't move!" After a few minutes, Peridot had a slight blush and said, "Now kiss."

Pink was about to ask what exactly she was up to but Steven continued his earlier plan and brought Pink's hands to his face and said, "I can't wait to hear what she tells us to do next," as he let go of one of Pink's wrists to run a hand through Pink's hair and pull him into a kiss. Steven made sure to put a lot of feeling into it and managed to get Pink fully focused on him.

After several minutes of kissing, and Lapis and Amethyst now having appeared and staring, Peridot finally said, "Ok... you can stop... Ok, enough! I have the data I need to make a determination." The three watching gems all had some degree of blush and Peridot started to adjust herself to her professional mode. She looked at one additional thing, then cleared her throat. "We need to separate you."

"WHAT!?!" from several of them. 

Peridot flinched, "Yeesh! Everyone needs to calm down and I will explain. Ahem, I've looked at the data a variety of ways and it's become clear to me that we need to find the safest and hopefully, least painful way to separate you so that you can then fuse back together like normal gems. This will allow you both to meld together and all organic and gem to be completely and equally accessible to you, so then healing can work on the damage caused by the tear as well as the damage that couldn't be healed due to the tear AND," Peridot cut off whatever Steven was going to say as he tightly held onto Pink, "because you would be a normal fusion, like Garnet, you will have both your individual minds intact as well as your combined mind, like before the whole Diamond thing happened, but with the ability to unfuse like a normal fusion."

Steven and Pink looked at each other, "That sounds too good to possibly be true."

"The data doesn't lie!" Peridot yelled to get their attention back. "Your biological uniqueness means you will still be additionally tethered to each other and likely need to remain in physical contact, but I had heard the most important thing to the two of you was not losing your separate consciousnesses, and this will do that."

Steven slightly loosened his death grip on Pink, "How is there a safer or less painful way? Basically, you're saying like there's different ways to remove a gem?"

"Simple, when White Diamond did it, there was no preparation beforehand and it was forcefully removed. Even if we did it right this minute, it would already go better than that, both due to your cooperation but even moreso because 40% of Pink's energies are already removed by his partial manifestation."

"Wait, so we'd separate while I'm half out like this?"

"Of course not," Peridot replied like that was somehow obvious, "but you would pull as much of yourself and your energies into your gem as possible prior to separation. That would not only minimize potential damage, but hopefully also any associated pain."

"No other adjustments? No organ failure by just changing that?"

"Oh, no it's possible you'll still go into organ failure." When both of them look startled and concerned, Peridot was quick to add, "And that's why Pink can't take his time coming back out of his gem. You can't do a Pearl and take weeks. Best case scenario, maybe a half to three quarters of an hour for you to emerge from your gem and fuse back with Steven and heal him. But after that, you should be able to separate just by unfusing and with no pain or damage caused by it."

"Last time, you came out pretty quick but my memory of the gem side is smothered out by the human part from after the tearing until about when you started walking. Do you think you'll need longer this time?"

Pink thought for a few minutes, "If you remember, there was a lot of me left behind last time, so there wasn't that much to assemble. This time, there's... well there's a lot more 'me' to me now. I don't know how long it'll take."

Steven took one of Pink's hands, "I trust that you will be as efficient in this as you are in everything else you do, so how about I promise not to die for an hour and you promise to get your sweet butt out here by then?"

Pink leaned down and kissed Steven, asking "Are you sure you're ready to try this?"

"I am. I'm fucking terrified, but I don't think I could function with it hanging over us if we postponed it, so I want to do this and get it over with. So, um, I kind of promised not to remove you myself so we might need a volunteer, and how do we know when you're ready to go?"

Pink thought for a moment, assessing, "I'd say, give me 20 minutes after I withdraw. As for who..." He knew Steven also felt too scared to be able to do it himself, but the promise reason was legitimate enough for the others to hear. He glanced at the three gems on hand.

Before Pink could say anything, Lapis stepped forward, "I'll do it. I mean it only seems right that you pulled me off that mirror so I'll pull you off each other."

Pink looked at Steven who shrugged and said, "works for me."

"Any other prep?" Pink asked.

"Yes," after nobody said anything, Steven spoke up. "I want you to give me one hell of a 'see you soon because everything is going to go great' kiss."

Pink wrapped his arms around Steven, "Of course I wasn't going to forget to kiss you, but that is a very specialized-sounding kiss and might take a few minutes."

"It better," Steven replied, drawing strength from Pink's confidence and steadying his nerves with Pink's relative calm. They kissed very slowly and lingered on every sensation to savor it. The three gems just stood awkwardly while they waited. 

After they broke the kiss, Pink said, "Remember, give me 20 minutes to prepare."

Lapis nodded and Peridot grabbed a clock to set where they all could see it as Pink withdrew into his gem. 

"Oh, I should probably text Connie in case she feels anything."

"Feels anything?" Peridot asked. 

"Yeah, because we've been linked since our eyes started having pink coloring." Text read: ****At Peridot's place. Lapis about to remove Pink's gem from me. Just a heads up in case you feel anything.****

Steven had barely hit send when his phone rang, "WHAT!?!" Steven held the phone away from his ear to try to prevent going deaf. 

"Peridot figured out the only way to heal the tear is by separating us. Lapis volunteered to be the one to do it."

Steven heard a growl. Before he could ask if that was her growling, Connie said, "Either Pink sent him or I think our link has given me the ability to summon Lion. I'll be right there. Don't do anything until I arrive." And she hung up without waiting for an answer. 

Steven put his phone away and looked at Amethyst. "Do the other gems know?"

Amethyst shrugged, "You want me to tell them?"

"Yes!" Came Connie's voice, as she entered with Lion, "Tell them!" She then turned to Steven, "And what about your dad?" She could tell by his face that he hadn't. She facepalmed and pulled out her phone. "Mr Universe? You need to get to Peridot's place because your sons are about to do something dangerous... Don't worry, I'm not going to let them do anything until you get here." She hung up and put her phone back in her pocket before looking at Steven. "Explain. Now."

"Actually, Peridot can explain much better than I can. Peridot?"

Peridot looked like she was trying to hide behind Lapis, "Oh, hey Connie." As the death stare from Connie intensified, "The data shows that Pink has better potential to heal Steven externally and if they separate and Pink re-forms, they should then be able to fuse together just like any regular fusion and be able to heal 100%."

Connie took a step closer to Peridot, "Should?"

"Everything is theoretical until it happens! But the data doesn't lie!"

Steven looked at the clock. How could they still have 7 minutes to go? It already felt much longer. Garnet and Pearl arrived with Amethyst, Garnet carrying a disheveled Greg who looked like he did not enjoy the giant leaping that got them there so fast. "Steven?" He looked at Connie, "I thought they weren't going to do anything until I got here?"

Confused, Connie replied, "They haven't."

"Then why does Steven look like that?"

Connie looked back at Steven and noticed he looked different than when she had looked at him a couple minutes prior, though she could see his gem still in his abdomen. Steven had a grayish tone and clammy look to his skin and had laid down from the semi sitting position he'd been in a couple minutes before. His breathing also sounded a little rougher. "Steven?" She came over and placed a hand to his forehead. He felt fevered. She lifted his shirt and touched his gem just to double check and it was still in its usual place. 

"Um... I have an idea of what might be happening," Peridot came closer but stood on the opposite side of Greg from Connie. "In preparation for the controlled separation, Pink is withdrawing as much of himself as possible into his gem. It is nearly the time limit he gave us to let him prepare so it is likely that his withdrawal is already causing similar results to a physical separation."

"Time!" Lapis said and stepped forward. 

"Wait!" Connie said, blocking Lapis' path.

"Connie," Steven spoke with a hoarse sounding voice, "Pink will start trying to reform soon. I don't have a way to tell him not to."

Connie debated with herself a moment before declaring, "Fine, but if anyone's going to remove his gem, it's going to be me!"

With a 'whatever, you do you' look, Lapis stepped back. Connie looked at Greg, he shrugged. Then she looked at the gems. They looked nervous, but nobody was objecting. She turned to look at Steven, "You both better come through this because you are both in so much trouble for this." She put her hand on Steven's gem and gripped tightly, she looked Steven in the eyes and asked, "You're sure?" Steven nodded, so she focused her strength and pulled hard and Steven groaned as she felt it come away from his body. 

She stood in an almost state of shock, frozen, with Steven's gem in her hand. Then, hearing Steven trying to suppress another groan, she looked at him and saw tears leaking from his eyes and his coloring had worsened. That jarred her out of her shock, "Steven!" She put a hand to the side of his face, brushing away a few tears, "Hold on. You're gonna be okay. " She looked at the crowd, "What should I do with Pink?"

Pearl stepped forward, "I'll hold him. You focus on Steven."

After handing Pink to Pearl, she turned back to Steven. Greg was beside her, stroking Steven's hair. "Steven," he opened his eyes and looked at her. She could see he was in pain but was trying to hold it in. "I suppose this is punishment enough for you. And for Pink when he hears about it. He's not going to like having caused you so much pain."

"At least..." Steven's voice sounded weaker than she liked, "...at least not... as bad as... before." He attempted a smile, "D-didnt pass out." 

Connie attempted a smile back, "Maybe you're just tougher now." She'd thought the awful way she was feeling was just because of worry and being upset, but she was starting to realize she was feeling a faint echo of his pain. She found if she focused on it, the pain increased. She realized she could strengthen or weaken the connection, "Feeling any changes?" She asked. Steven gave a slight shake of his head and she realized, it didn't affect what he was feeling so she'd focus just enough to gauge if he took a downturn. 

Steven wasn't sure if it was his imagination or not, but he thought he could actually feel his body dying on a cellular level. It wasn't the sharp pain of the initial separation but an all encompassing ache. Like every cell in his body was individually bruised. He didn't know which was worse, the endless pain or the way his heart seemed to make his entire body throb with every remaining beat. He wanted to will his heart to keep beating, because he knew that would mean he was staying alive like he promised. But, as every beat seemed to batter his bruised cells, he also found it harder and harder not to wish it would stop or just pause for a minute and give him a moment's relief. 

It was clear to everyone that Steven was in a great deal of pain, even if he was trying not to show it or make any sounds, but nobody could think of anything they could do about it. All they could offer is their presence and their wishes that there was anything they could do to help. "How long?" Steven's voice was a whisper. 

Connie looked at the clock. Ten minutes. It had only been ten minutes? Maybe she should ask Peridot to check if it was working right. But she could see the seconds ticking on the analog clock. It seemed the right speed but how could it be... and what could she tell him? Would he feel the same? Disheartened by how short a time it had been despite feeling so much longer? Should she lie? Should she tell him it was almost time? Would that help him somehow? Might it give him a feeling that he could make it? Sigh. "It's been eleven minutes."

A large tear slipped from Steven's eye and wet his face as he looked at her. "Could... #gasp#... you..." he seemed to have to work to pull in enough air to speak.

"Try thinking the words to me. Maybe I'll hear through our link."

He closed his eyes and focused. ****Could you help me roll onto my side? I want to see if it's any better.****

The good news was she heard him. The bad news was the words carried with them a current of the pain he was experiencing. Her knees buckled at the unexpected impact. Her only saving graces were Steven's eyes were still closed, so he didn't see and Garnet had managed to catch her so there was no noise. Thankfully, the pain flow stopped when his words did. She didn't want to worry him so, still supported by Garnet, Connie said, "Pearl and your dad are going to help you roll onto your side. I'm going to try to find a rag and some cool water for your head in case it'll help." As Greg and Pearl gingerly assisted Steven, Garnet helped Connie into an adjacent room. "Garnet," Connie whispered, "he's in so much pain and I don't know what to do."

Amethyst had followed. In a soft and concerned voice said, "Connie, I'll get the rag and water so you can regroup."

Garnet had pulled Connie into a hug and allowed her to muffle her crying against her chest. She gave her a moment to cry, then said, "I know you can help. Just being here and talking to him is helping. Steven knowing you're here and you care is helping him. Knowing that we're here to help handle things, let's him know he can just focus on holding on as long as possible. You don't have to perform miracles. Just let him know and feel he's loved."

Connie wiped her eyes and looked at Garnet with new resolve and focus. "You're right. If nothing else, I know I can love him and make sure he knows how loved he is." Connie accepted the rag and pan of water from Amethyst, carried it over to set it on the platform beside Steven, and pulled over a chair beside him. She dipped the rag in the cold water and wiped his fevered forehead. She was heartened by the slight relaxing of Steven's face.

"Mmm... thank you..." Steven breathed. 

"Anything else you need?"

"Trying to... remember... why I thought... good idea..."

Connie continued wiping anywhere looking clammy with the cool rag. She thought a moment, then replied, "Well, assuming everything goes as expected, this should be the last time you ever have to feel this bad ever again."

"Stars... I hope..."

Greg brought another chair over and set it at Steven's head. Connie's chair was alongside Steven's midsection so she could reach as much as possible with the rag. Meanwhile, Greg kissed Steven's forehead when he sat down and was now petting Steven's hair. "I'm sure Pink's working as fast as he can," Greg said. 

"Takes... awhile to... sculpt... Adonis..." and Steven gave the tiniest hint of a smile. 

"Well, I hope if time gets tight, he knows you'll also accept a non deity as well."

"...not worried... Pink keeps... promises..." Steven started coughing. 

"Ok, no more talking for you," Connie admonished, wiping his face off again. Steven gave a weak nod as he tried to stop coughing. Greg reached to rub Steven's back. Pearl brought a cup of water and gently lifted Steven's head enough for him to take a sip. Several haphazard sips later, Pearl gently lowered his head back down, gave Steven a quick, gentle kiss on his cheek and moved away. 

Peridot was staring at Pink's gem in her hands. Pearl had handed him over so she could help Greg move Steven onto his side. Peridot had sat on the floor in an out of the way corner, hands resting on crossed legs, gem resting on hands. She was watching for any sign of Pink returning. She figured that letting them know the instant Pink started coming out would be her way to help. That's what she'd say was her intent. What she wouldn't admit was she was also doing her best to focus on the diamond and focus her will on trying to help things go faster. She wouldn't admit it because she was a gem of science, and she knew that you couldn't just will something to happen, but this Diamond has a strong connection to feelings so maybe. Maybe it could help. In the very least, she knew it wouldn't hinder anything. 

Garnet was looking through all the possible futures. She didn't like the ones where the timing went completely bad and Steven... didn't last long enough. She was, however glad that with each moment that passed the failures were being more and more out-numbered by successes of varying degrees. Some had them live but the fusing didn't work; she didn't even follow those paths further to see if Steven would still survive at that point. She was doing what she could to steer them in the right direction; making sure as much as possible the things in the better paths took place. She'd made sure to catch Connie so that Steven wouldn't get upset that their link had hurt her. She bolstered Connie's confidence to make sure she could keep helping Steven. She got Pearl to bring Steven water and, she wasn't sure what difference it made, but the best paths had Peridot holding Pink's gem. Garnet would make sure to steer her boys the best she could. 

Pearl was grateful for Garnet's suggestion about water for Steven. It not only helped Steven, which of course was the most important thing, but it also gave her something she could do to help besides just standing around. She decided she'd hum and quietly sing soothing songs so that the room didn't feel so oppressively quiet. 

Amethyst had seen how Steven liked the wet rag so she decided to turn into a fan to direct a light breeze toward Steven. 

Lapis was a little irritated that two separate water-related tasks passed her by and was trying to think of what might be left that she could do to help. A look around at what everyone else is doing. She finally thought of something, "Bismuth isn't here. I could go get Bismuth." Nobody objected, so she left to go find Bismuth. 

Steven was not overly aware of the overall goings on in the room. He just knew he hurt, but his Dad petting his head and Connie with the cold cloth, felt nice, as did the slight breeze in the air. He thought he might hear music, but couldn't be sure over the sound of his heart beat pounding in his ears. He was trying to just focus on patience, even though that was more of Pink's strength than his. He was also trying to ignore the growing pain he was feeling in his abdomen. It felt like the path of the tear was slowly being pried open further and further. It was also taking increasing effort to breath, it felt like someone was stacking bricks on top of him. He was afraid to ask, but he couldn't hold it back any more, "How... long...?"

There was a pause. His eyes were closed, so he assumed Connie had to shift to look at the clock. She finally replied, "Twenty nine minutes." Thinking was too much effort. He couldn't remember if he should consider that a long or short time. He just knew he had to do his best to keep breathing and his heart beating... for Pink. He just had to wait for Pink. 

Connie, kissed Steven's nose, saying, "I'll be back. Gonna check on Pink real quick."

"K."

Connie walked over to Peridot. "Any change?" At Peridot's reply to the negative, Connie asked, "Can I hold him just a minute? I'll give him right back," Connie added the last part when it looked like Peridot didn't want to let go of Pink. Once Connie had that large diamond in her hand, she shook him a bit before whispering right next to him, "I don't know if you can hear me, but it's been over half an hour so you better be wrapping things up soon in there." She handed Pink back to Peridot and went back to sit next to Steven. 

A noise startled everyone, but it was just Lapis returning with Bismuth... and Jasper? "What's she doing here?" Asked Pearl.

Lapis shrugged. "She was nearby when I told Bismuth and decided to come. It's a free planet."

Jasper immediately focused on Pink with Peridot. She went over to them and demanded, "I should be holding him. You're too puny to keep him safe."

"Hey! No! I'm holding him!" Peridot dodged Jasper's attempt to grab Pink and used her small size to slip behind some furniture, zip past Garnet and climb up onto the platform behind Steven. Holding Pink up as high as she could as though that would keep him out of Jasper's reach. Amethyst was encouraged at seeing Garnet grin as she lifted an arm to halt Jasper several feet from Steven and Peridot. 

"Let me have My Diamond!" Jasper yelled. 

"Never!" Peridot yelled back. "He belongs to Steven!"

Everyone got quiet as they suddenly heard Steven laugh. Connie wasn't sure what she was feeling from Steven. He opened his eyes as he laughed some more, though it did start him coughing, "Why are you laughing?" Peridot demanded. 

They had to wait until he stopped coughing, and Pearl gave him another drink of water. Everyone had to be still and quiet to make out Steven's weak voice, "Boyfriend's... rock and... playing... keep-away... with him... should've... recorded... to show him..." more coughing and Connie worried at the worsening feeling of abdominal pain she was feeling from Steven via their link. "Peridot... closer... please." Peridot knelt next to Steven on the raised platform and held Pink's gem near Steven's face. Steven reached a shaky hand towards him and Connie took his wrist to help him reach the rest of the way so Steven could touch Pink's stone. As his fingers stroked the front of his gem, Steven spoke, "hope almost... done cuz... don't want... break... promise... hurting... worse, please... hurry... harder to... breathe..."

Steven's eyes closed and Connie felt the arm she was holding go limp, "Steven!?!" Peridot took a step back as Connie stood and shook Steven slightly, then checked for a pulse. It was weak, but still there, "Steven, you can't sleep yet. You've gotta wait for Pink."

"Guys? We might be done waiting!" Pink's gem was glowing and raising into the air. Peridot scrambled off the platform to stand by Lapis. A glowing white form, in the shape of the original Pink Diamond, coalesced around the gem. It swiftly shifted to Rose Quartz then a small Steven shape before finally shifting into a 6 foot and 9 inches tall, athletically muscular man with great hair, who happened to be varying shades of pink and slightly glowing.

Pink found himself standing on the platform they'd been laying on, with an audience staring unblinking at him. He looked down and immediately dropped to his knees to scoop up Steven, "Steven! I'm here! I'm back!"

Steven seemed to improve slightly in color the moment Pink made contact with him, "Knew you'd... make it."

There might as well have been nobody else in the room as they focused completely on each other, "Ready to fuse?" Pink asked as he stood back up on the platform and hugged Steven tightly against his chest. 

"So... ready..." and with no further preamble, they both began to glow and their energies intermingled, seemingly knowing precisely where everything belonged. As the glow faded, a man roughly halfway between their heights, with pink irises surrounded by a black ring, black and pink streaked hair, and with the familiar gem where his navel would be, stood.

And then immediately fell to his knees as his legs buckled. 

"Whoa, sorry," he said to Connie as she put a hand on his arm to steady him, "We cut this a little closer than I prefer." He shifted to sitting cross-legged, lifted Connie onto his lap with a hug, "It's gonna take me a bit more time to finish healing."

Connie looked up at Steven, "So are you... you?"

Steven smiled a very Steven smile like he hadn't for some time, and replied, "I am the most me I've been in years!" As everyone swarmed in and attempted a large and awkward group hug, Steven added, "I've missed being me, but I'm glad I didn't have to miss all of you!" 

Connie touched Steven's chest, not as muscular as Pink but more toned than just-human Steven. Much taller than the last time he was whole, voice deeper... "You seem to be handling the crowd better."

Steven looked at Connie, "My human half is panicking to some extent, but my gem half is compensating for that by... I guess sort of comforting myself? It's weird. I'm both back to who I was, but with additions, like a background chatter. My thinking is clear and unified but, well Garnet was right, I guess, when she called me a fusion when I was a baby. It's just since I was born that way, both parts had the same memories and mostly the same way of thinking and nothing to really differentiate them, but now, I can feel I'm myself as much as Stevonnie is themself but instead of you and me in the back, there's Pink and human Steven and their different perspectives negotiating and balancing and, if I don't specifically focus on it, the chatter sort of becomes a background noise and I just feel my thoughts as thoughts instead of whatever process is forming them." He rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled, "I'm probably not explaining it right, but needless to say," he cupped one of Connie's cheeks and looked directly in her eyes and said, "I'm 300% still in love with you."

"Actually," Pearl began, planning to explain how that's not correct mathematically until Amethyst elbowed her. 

"Really?" Connie asked. 

"As myself, I've loved you as my best friend and the girl I always assumed I'd marry someday. My human half has loved you since you picked him up in White's head ship. Now Pink was a little slower to come on board. He first still just thought of you as our best friend. The more time he was around you as himself, whether when he still lurked in the background unheard or later as solely himself, he found himself falling hopelessly in love with you, too."

Connie blushed, "You know I love both halves that make you, and I still love this you, but I need to get to know this you again because I haven't really seen you in years."

"That's fair, you've been so patient with me for so long and, as you've said before, you basically already own me so anything you want or need is what I'll make happen." Steven then turned to the group, "Sorry, I wasn't trying to ignore you guys. Does anyone else have questions or comments and, if so, could we get to them over a pizza because slowly dying made me hungry."

"Steven!"

"Sorry, too soon?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The request from Peridot to kiss has to do with Pink's saliva adding to the healing of Steven's stomach, in case that wasn't clear. I don't want anyone thinking Peridot was being pervy


	14. Day Before Birthday - After Fusing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly dying made Steven hungry. Everyone goes to Fish Stew Pizza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self harm
> 
> Also, please leave comments if you like things so that I know if I should bother to continue posting.

Unified Steven was still healing, so Garnet decided to carry him. "Um, I could probably walk on my own if I can just lean on someone."

But Garnet had been in no mood to negotiate, so Steven just went with it. They got to Fish Stew Pizza and Garnet sat him at a table while Connie ordered and Greg paid. 

Steven was at a table by the back wall so he was able to lean against the back wall and use the table and back of his chair to stabilize himself as needed and so he could face everyone. "Steven's right. One of us has got to get a different name." Steven commented as Connie took the seat across from him and he looked toward the crowd aka his family. "It just seems weird if I ask you guys to maybe blink more and make it a little less non stop staring at me because Steven's level of freaking out is getting harder for Pink to calm."

"What would we call you?" Connie asked.

"Well, he's only had the name 3 years and Pink got used to having a different name with only having been a year as something different so shouldn't I keep the name I had for over 14 years? Or is that selfish? I mean, I feel like I'm the combined entity that mom and dad made and named Steven so, just like Pink, the parts should have a different name? But maybe I'm being unreasonable and should ch-"

Connie reached across the small table to put a finger to his lips. "I'm sure you'll work it out amongst yourself. Maybe since human half named Pink, then Pink could name human half?"

Steven blushed, "Oh, now you've done it. You've actually managed to distract from panic to vetoing suggestions from Pink. Since he'd given Pink an option to change his name from Pink, he's getting veto powers on choices that Pink is coming up with for him."

"And that's making you blush?" 

Steven covered his face with a hand, "It's hard to explain what it feels like when part of yourself is... flirting with another part of yourself but, needless to say, I'm not agreeing to use any name that I'd be embarrassed to ever actually say."

Amethyst scooted her chair closer, "Oooh! What names is Pink suggesting?"

Steven turned a darker red but also rubbed his eyes with one hand, "I really don't want to say but I hope Pink suggests something reasonable soon because they are giving me a headache."

Amethyst scooted her chair right up to Steven and Connie's table, "Now you gotta tell us! Tell us tell us tell us." Amethyst started chanting.

Steven pinched Amethyst's mouth closed and replied, "Fine.... I'll tell you a couple, but it's on you if I prematurely unfuse from upsetting my human half." Amethyst kept quiet and stared in anticipation. "A couple of the names Pink has suggested are... Sexy... and Foxy..."

Amethyst fell back in her chair laughing and was not the only one to let out a laugh as Steven's entire face took on a strong resemblance to a tomato. Fortunately, the pizza then arrived and Steven directed all his attention to it. Eagerly shoveling food into his mouth. 

"Pink's finally making realistic suggestions like Stephen, Steph, Stevie, Junior?" Steven chuckled, "NP for Not Pink, Limey? Oh, I guess like green is the opposite color on the wheel from pink. I think that shade of green is actually called Kelly Green, so maybe Kelly or KG? Kind of sounds like cagey. Which kind of fits him in a way, I could just see saying KG is being cagey with his responses. Hmmm, green is also his favorite color. What do you guys think of calling my human half Kelly Green? He's not sure if he'd want to go by Kelly or Green or the full Kelly Green but he likes the idea of being a color like Pink."

Everyone started discussing amongst themselves, Steven turned to Connie, "What do you think?"

Connie replied, after finishing a bite of pizza, "I don't know if I should answer one way or another because he might just go along with whatever I choose instead of picking what he's most comfortable to be called."

Nobody had called out a definitive opinion yet, so Steven suggested, "What if you all just use whatever version makes sense to you and then he'll eventually settle down with whichever version feels the most natural to him after awhile?"

Nobody voiced disagreement, so Steven said, "Good. That's settled, so maybe they can stop giving me a headache now. What's next on the agenda?"

Greg asked, "Do you have any plans for the future?"

"Well, first I'm going to finish this pizza and then...? Well I've only existed again for less than an hour so I don't intend to go by any plans I last made years ago. I figure tomorrow I'll go to The Garden because that's where Pink and Green want to go."

"The Garden?" Asked Greg. 

"Oh," Steven looked inward, "they hadn't yet told you their plans. They want to hang out in Pink Diamond's old garden where Spinel stayed all that time. Green wants to make it over into something for him, Pink and Connie to enjoy."

Steven noticed in his peripheral vision that Connie blushed at that and, after a pause where he remembered the dreams that involved the garden, he did too, so he clarified, "As a sanctuary, like how Green treated it when he disassociated during therapy. Remember how he had it all vibrant again?"

Connie remembered that and it helped the blush fade as she thought of it in that light as opposed to some sort of sex resort, "It was separated from the rest of your mind with a green partition, which seems even more appropriate now. And then it was so beautiful, like something you'd expect to picture during meditating or something."

"If we could set up a way for you to easily come and go from there as you want, eventually it could be a really peaceful place to study or to just unwind. We already have so many ideas, well mainly Green but Pink's loved all that Green's talked about doing to the place. It's not going to look anything like it did for Pink Diamond. We're hoping it will be unrecognizable as the same place..." Steven paused with an internal look, "Oh, and we don't plan to mention it to Spinel because we don't want to mess up how she's moved on with her life with any reminders of there."

Steven shoveled another piece of pizza in his mouth, "Of course, the whole reason to be off planet tomorrow was in case the diamonds showed up but now we could send them a message that I'm cured and to still not come and maybe I'll check in with them in 1000 years or something?" He tried to say it nonchalantly but looked conflicted about it.

"Are you sure that's how you want to handle it?" Connie asked. 

Steven was rubbing the back of his neck, "Not really." Steven continued rubbing the back of his neck trying to alleviate the headache he was still getting, "I don't think it should be physically possible for me to disagree with both of them, but I do. I think I should talk to them to make sure White understands why it's such a big deal, but Pink wants destruction and protecting Green and then Green is torn between wanting to run and hide or encouraging Pink's solution." Steven looks at the group, "So I don't really know how I feel like 3/4 of me says to shatter White and the other 1/4 says hide and yet somehow I'm able to want to just go and talk to them." He looked at Garnet, "That shouldn't be possible, should it?"

Garnet had a frown for a minute as she gave the question some thought, "I think you're hearing their reflexive impulses but that's not what most of them wants. I think deep down, they want things resolved peacefully but fear, anger and worrying about each other is drowning out that part of themselves. Plus, since fusions are more than the sum of their parts, it's possible that your empathy, patience and diplomacy are elevated beyond your two halves."

"Well, maybe we could find a way to postpone any decisions or something because, right now, my head is killing me because they mostly sound in agreement with each other and not me and I think-" and he didn't get to finish the sentence because pop and then there was Green Steven laying on the floor and Pink still sitting in the chair. 

The human had one leg propped up on Pink's lap. He laughed and said, "I'm officially too much crazy to be contained!" He was trying to not think about how crowded the room was, so was keeping his eyes closed. He held up an arm and gave a thumbs-up from the floor and said, "Pink, I feel pretty healthy right now so, good job!"

Holding the foot of the leg on his lap, Pink asked, "So, can I call you my green bean?" Pink didn't need to pretend there were less people since shyness had never been an issue for him.

"Only if you don't mind me calling you Pinky in reply."

Pink turned to look at Connie, "We were kind of in a hurry before, so let me say hello to you now." And he gave her a flirty smile that made her forget everyone else in the room.

Connie smiled in return, "Hi, Pink," and then she looked down at his other half and asked, "Why are your eyes closed?"

Without opening his eyes, he replied, "I'm telling myself that everyone else left and we're just in an empty room so that I don't completely freak out. And yes I know that's pathetic and sad but I'm more focused on being surprised that it's actually helping despite me knowing it's not true."

"Are you going to get up?"

"No. I think I'm fine right here."

"It doesn't look very comfortable."

"It's not, though it's surprisingly less uncomfortable than it may look. But I feel like if I move it's going to erase my imaginary reality of being alone and I'm not sure how I'll handle that."

"But you haven't had a chance to take a good look at how I look as my fully realized self."

Unintentionally opening his eyes, because he really did want to look at Pink, he then could tell via peripheral vision that everybody was still there and mostly looking at them. "You son of a bitch! Are you trying to give me a heart attack!" And he angrily pulled his foot away from Pink's grasp.

"Hey! Are you calling mom a-you know, I'm not even going to complete that question."

After a moment or two with no response, Connie and Pink simultaneously felt something via their link and looked down to see Green staring with unfocused, unblinking eyes towards the ceiling and they couldn't tell if he was breathing. Pink swooped down to the floor and scooped him up. Green immediately started gasping and clinging to Pink as soon as they touched. "Don't let go!" 

"I won't. What happened?" Pink asked while one arm held him close and the other hand stroked his hair. Connie had dropped down to the floor as well and was rubbing his back.

Green was clinging and burying his face into Pink's chest while taking gasping breaths like he'd been suffocating and Pink was oxygen. After he got his breathing to more of a manageable rate, he said, "As soon as we broke contact, it was so horrible. Like all senses became muted and it was like I could feel every cell in my body simultaneously dying while my soul was being sucked out of me."

Pink squeezed him tighter. Green had stopped gasping, but still had a bit of shivering. Pink kissed his forehead, "You're safe now. I've got you." Some of those in the room asked what happened. Only Connie and Pink had been close enough to hear what had been muffled by his face being buried in Pink's chest. "Is it okay if I tell them what happened?" Green nodded but stayed as burrowed into Pink as he could be without fusing. Pink relayed what was going on and speculating began. Pink stood, still cradling Green against his chest. "Connie, if you want to come with, you can. I'm taking Ste-Green home. Or you can stay and speculate with the rest." In response, Connie hooked an arm through a gap by one of the arms holding Green and they walked past everyone to get on Lion to quickly warp home. Then Lion, Connie and Pink, with Green in his arms, all climbed into bed. Pink and Connie sitting with their backs against the headboard, Green on Pink's lap and Connie lifted his legs to go across her lap as she leaned against Pink's side. Lion laid at the foot of the bed like a dog. 

Green was slowly relaxing, then stiffened slightly as he noticed something, "Pink, you have a heartbeat!" Green said in an awed voice. 

Connie asked, "How do you have a heartbeat?"

Pink smiled, "Because Steven does. I'm inside and out matched as much as possible to replicating organic."

"It's nice," Green yawned as he rested his head back against Pink's chest. Listening to the calming, steady beat of Pink's heart, Green drifted off to sleep.

Connie and Pink quietly chatted until the gems arrived home. They were going to warp to Homeworld to deliver the message about Steven no longer being in danger as well as a less threatening, but still firm, reiterating the request to not visit for awhile. They asked Connie if she'd join them since she had the most first hand knowledge of things outside of Pink and Green themselves. Pink agreed it might be a good idea to have someone from Team Pink there, so Connie kissed Pink and then gave a sleeping Green a gentle peck on his forehead before joining the others. After they left, Pink tried to see if he could access Green's dreams, but they were too jumbled at the moment to find a good entry point, so he just stroked Green's head and hummed soothingly while Green continued to sleep. 

\----------

When everybody returned, Connie climbed on the bed next to Pink again, she was hanging up her cell phone, "I let mom know I'm spending the night here because of your birthday and other reasons that I'll update her on later." Green woke up and shifted to sitting on Pink's lap sleepily looking at Connie and lifting a hand to pull her in closer to the group. Connie gave them each a kiss on their cheeks. "So, we talked to Spinel and the Diamonds." Green's eyes widened as he had not woken up to know that's where she was. "They're kind of upset with Pink because of the message Spinel delivered, but they are mostly apologetic. They've agreed to stay away from earth until actively invited back. Spinel is free to come and go back and forth as the means for keeping in better touch about things going on, and Spinel is also hoping to help you guys any way she can. They want me to stress to you how sorry they all are and that you are welcome to visit at any time and Pink Diamond's room will forever be considered to be yours to stay in as you please."

Green sighed, "I'm sorry." He squeezed Connie's hand and buried his face in Pink's chest.

"What're you sorry about, my green bean?" Pink asked. 

"I know it's my fault we fell apart from being Steven."

Pink reached a hand under Green's chin to tilt his face up to look at him, "Green, that was both of us and it's not bad that we unfused. Do you want to be fused right now?" Green shook his head, "Well, neither do I so we're good. Plus, this way Connie gets to see how much healthier you look now that you've been healed."

"You're looking really good now," Connie said. "Steven and Pink have been calling you Green pretty consistently, so I'm wondering if maybe you've already decided on your name?"

"Before the idea was suggested, it never occurred to me as a name, but I like the idea of being a color like Pink. Maybe I could even dye my hair green. That might look cool and then when fused maybe we'd have Green and Pink stripes like watermelon candy hair."

"Just think what our melon babies will think to see us like that."

Green smiled, "That would be cool to check on them eventually. And green hair would help my name make sense long enough for people to get used to it since I don't glow my name like you do, my sexy nightlight." He looked at Connie, "And then sometime, we could see what Stevonnie's hair ends up looking like. Do you want to get a color nickname to match the theme? We could be the 'Colors Thruple' but you don't have to and even if you pick a nickname, you don't have to dye your hair unless you want to."

Connie smiled, "You're always so worried I'm going to think a suggestion or idea of yours is a command. I know you're not that bossy." She booped his nose. "I'll think about the color nickname idea and get back to you on it, okay?"

"Sure. Can I have a kiss?" Green asked. 

"Of course!" Connie replied and leaned over and kissed him. Both boys felt her feeling of surprise and she leaned back, "Ste-I mean, Green! Do you have some of the healing powers?"

"What?" Both males in unison were confused. 

"I wasn't going to mention it because I figured it would probably eventually get healed the next time I kissed Pink, but I had banged my arm into Spinel accidentally and bruised it," she looked at her arm, but nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary about it, "But as soon as you kissed me, it stopped hurting," she pressed a spot on her arm, "It's totally pain free now. Had you maybe just kissed Pink before I came back and something transferred?"

"You saw he was asleep when you returned and so it's been awhile... really, not since we separated..." He bent down like he was going to kiss Green, but Connie put her hand between their mouths to stop them. 

"Wait! No kissing yet! I want to test this!" She hopped off the bed and dashed downstairs, returning quickly to hop back on the bed.

"Um... that's the filet knife..." Green was concerned. 

Connie nodded, "It's the sharpest so it won't hurt if I nick myself with it."

"Aren't we supposed to be opposed to self harm, or is that just for me?"

Pink was also concerned, "Connie..."

"Don't worry, I'm just going to make just big enough of a cut to be able to see if it heals. It's a sharp knife, so no pain and if it doesn't work, you can immediately heal me."

"Connie, I'm just human. I don't have powers of my own."

"That's why I want to test this." She very carefully cut the back of her hand, "See, not even enough to bleed. Just enough to make a visible mark."

Green didn't like seeing Connie even slightly injured plus, though he didn't want to have to confess it, seeing her do that was making him want to hurt himself. He didn't fully even understand why, but just could feel the compulsion, so he grabbed Connie's hand to quickly kiss it so she'd see he couldn't heal and Pink could then really heal her, but she tugged her hand away before he could kiss it. 

"Wait, don't just rush. I want you to legitimately try to heal me. If you don't, I'm not going to trust the results." She handed him back her hand. He looked at the small mark, not liking seeing it there and thinking about how much he loved her and didn't want her to be hurt and then gently kissed the offending injury. He pulled away to look at the mark, but it wasn't there. His eyes widened and he tilted her hand in case it was a trick of the light. "You healed it."

"That's not possible." Green refused to believe this. 

"Do you want to try again?"

"No! Don't hurt yourself! It... never mind, just don't hurt yourself."

"It what?"

Green buried his face into Pink's chest again. He knew they'd probably not let him refuse to answer. He needed to start talking slower so his words wouldn't keep getting out before he could stop them all. ****It makes me feel like I need to hurt myself.**** He didn't know that other things tagged along with words sent through their link; they could feel the shame attached to them. 

"Oh, I'm sorry! It didn't occur to me that it would do that. I won't do it again! We can always just try to remember the next time someone gets hurt to have you try first." Connie wrapped her arms around her boys and kissed Green's head. 

"And don't be ashamed. We're grateful when you share things with us." Pink wrapped his arms around Connie and Green so that Green was the meat of the people sandwich. Green felt so safe and loved at that moment that the other two could feel the waves of love emanating from him. 

A glow and then Stevonnie was sitting on the bed. "Oop." They looked around, "I wanna see what our hair and eyes look like and we need to pee!" Stevonnie dashed downstairs and Pearl said their name as a question but Stevonnie replied, "Can't talk. Need to pee!" as they entered the bathroom. Taking care of biological imperatives first, then to the sink for hand washing and looking in the mirror. They burst out of the bathroom, "How cool do we look now!" They spun around to show off their taller more muscular body, Pink highlights in hair and Pink and black eyes. Of those in the house, they all commented approvingly on the new look, "Also, we think Green might have healing powers of his own!"

Greg commented, "How is that? I thought he was all the human and Pink all the gem?"

"We don't know. But isn't it cool if we're right? So if anyone gets hurt, let us have Green try to heal first and, if we're wrong, then Pink can do the healing."

"Um..." Greg walked closer, "I wasn't going to bother anyone with this, but I accidentally had my arm too close to the stove this morning." Greg showed them a small burn by his wrist. 

Stevonnie unfused into Connie and Pink holding up Green. Greg stepped closer, then Green spoke, "I think Connie should try first," at the confused reaction, he elaborated, "maybe it's just residual carry over from being fused with Pink."

Connie let Pink just shift Green to be in his arms. "Is it okay if I try, Mr Universe?"

Greg and Connie both were feeling the awkwardness of the situation, but were willing to roll with it. Connie gave an attempt and nothing happened except awkward blushing. 

Greg came over to Green, who took Greg's wrist and held it, looking at the small burn. He thought about how he doesn't want his dad injured but he also thought about how he loved his dad and wanted him around for as long as possible, and worried how close his dad might be to the end of a normal human life span. He wished he could keep his dad healthy, happy, young and energetic and then channeled his feelings of love for his dad and kissed his wrist. He then realized how tired he still felt, so he let go of his dad's wrist and leaned into Pink with his eyes closed.

Green heard some sounds around him, but was too tired to care what it was about until Pink rubbed his back and said, "Don't you want to see if it worked or not?"

"I want to sleep," Green said in answer covering his mouth as he yawned. 

"Please, my green bean, just look at dad."

Another yawn, then Green begrudgingly looked at his dad and his eyes widened, "What?" Standing before them was their dad... technically... but looking younger than Green had any memory of having seen him. He blinked a few times and then watched his dad kind of dancing around on ache-free joints, then looked at Pink. "What?"

"You did that!"

"How?"

"I have no idea!"

"Hey, dad?" Greg looked at Green, "I want a locking bedroom door."

Greg came over, grabbed Green's head, kissed him on his forehead, "Anything you want, son!" And went to the bathroom to look at his fuller head of hair in the mirror. 

Green yelled toward the bathroom, "And I want the door to be good at sound-blocking!" and then looked back at Pink. "Can we go back to bed now? I'm tired and my head hurts."

Pink kissed Green's forehead and asked, "Does that help the headache?" Green nodded and burrowed back into Pink's chest with another yawn. "And bed isn't the worst idea, we can figure out our birthday tomorrow. Good night, guys." And then Pink carried Green up to bed with Connie alongside them.


	15. Green and Pink's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green and Pink's birthday doesn't go exactly to plan.

Green was already asleep before they reached the bed. Connie and Pink had some intimate one on one time with Pink making sure to keep physical contact with Green the entire night. So it wasn't surprising for Green to be the first to wake. 

Green thought about how he felt when he and Pink were no longer in physical contact. He wondered if it was the instant they lost contact or if Green still got whatever it was he needed if they were just almost touching. Green moved Pink's arm off himself and then ran his hand along Pink's arm. He positioned himself in such a way that if he relaxed his own arm, gravity would bring it back in contact with Pink. Green then slowly lifted his hand up from Pink. Now that Green was paying attention, he found that the bad feeling was the instant they lost contact. Reflexive flinching put them immediately back into contact.

Green decided to see if there was any diminishing to the feeling upon repetition. And did the maneuver more than half a dozen times in a row before finally cuddling more firmly into Pink because the experience had churned up his insides enough to make him nauseated. 

"What were you doing?" Pink asked shifting slightly to look Green in the eyes without losing physical contact with him. 

Green looked away, "Mostly torturing myself, it seems."

Pink reached a hand out to turn Green's head back to making eye contact, "Why?"

Green wanted to wriggle away from scrutiny, but Pink held firm, so he admitted, "I was trying to see if I repeated the same tiny distance apart, if it might hurt less or if I'd get used to it, but I just ended up that my stomach feels all churned up."

Pink stroked Green's cheek, "Why?" He asked a second time. 

Green's eyes briefly flicked towards Connie's sleeping form and then back to Pink, "I can tell by how she's laying that you guys... interacted while I was asleep - which I don't mind or anything, it's just, I didn't wake up. So you must've maintained contact and... I was just thinking it wasn't fair to you guys to have to do that." A tear rolled out of Green's eye, "I just thought if I could at least bear a foot apart, then you wouldn't have to..." Green's train of thought ended as Pink kissed him. 

"I don't mind accommodating both your needs," Pink smiled at him. 

"But you might get sick of-"

"I could never get sick of anything as basic as making sure not to hurt you."

"But-" another, longer, more intense kiss and Green couldn't stop himself sighing contentedly and snuggling closer to Pink. "Neither of you fight fair," Green grumbled, but there was mainly humor behind the words.

"That's because we fight to win," Connie said as Pink laid on his back and pulled both her and Green to be snuggled up to his sides. Green and Connie joined hands on top of Pink's chest. "Morning, gentlemen."

Mirroring comments he'd gotten from Pink before, Green spoke with an amused tone to Connie, "You slept real good, didn't you?"

Connie blushed, "From sounds you made in your sleep, I think your dreams were helping you to enjoy last night, too."

Green smiled, remembering he indeed did have some good dreams. He then turned to Pink and said, "Happy Birthday"

Pink smiled back, "Happy Birthday to you, too," and pulled him closer for a kiss. "So, the day lays before us. How should we celebrate today?"

"Even if we're not going to spend the day there, I'd still like to show Connie what The Garden really looks like right now. Other birthday celebration ideas," Green looked toward their still open entryway and then back at Pink, "would probably require us to have a door."

Connie giggled, despite blushing, due to Green including suggestive eyebrow wiggles to his comment. She then composed herself and said, "I know it's not related to the plan for the day but can we talk about what Green did yesterday?" She made eye contact with Green, adding "You healed him so much he got younger!"

Green frowned a tiny bit, "I didn't know we could do that. Good thing I didn't accidentally do that to you because you'd be younger than before you were born."

"I don't think it works that way because I've seen some pictures of you with your dad as a baby and he has more hair than that now and looks thinner. I don't think you really took him back to what he exactly was at an earlier age, but just healthier overall beyond just not injured or sick, which makes him look younger. Did you do anything different than usual for when you heal somebody?"

Green thought, "Hmmm... well, I thought about how I don't like him to be hurt and how I love him and... well, I guess I was also thinking about how I don't want him to die and wishing he'd live longer than just a normal human lifespan... but I wasn't actively thinking like I was trying to do that... I don't think..." Green's brow furrowed as he tried to remember exactly what he was thinking and feeling at the time. In the quiet, his stomach was heard to be grumbling, Connie's stomach took that as a sign to start demanding food as well. 

"Well," Pink grinned, scooping Connie up in one arm and Green in the other, "sounds like I need to get my humans fed," and carried them both downstairs. They got to the stools by the kitchen counter before noticing that Pearl was staring past them, towards the front door. Turning, they saw a line of older people queued up and waiting, "Ummm, I think dad might've talked about you to some people last night."

Green frowned, "I'm still not sure how I did it the first time, what if I can't do it again?"

Connie put a hand on Green's arm, as he looked at her, she said, "You don't owe any of them anything. If you want to try, that's fine, but if you don't want to, or try and can't get it to work again this time, that's totally ok. Right, Pink?"

Pink was standing behind the two of them, one hand on each of their shoulders, while they sat on the two stools. He was frowning, not liking the nervousness and tension he was feeling coming from Green, "We can tell them all to go away," he offered, but could sense what Green's response would likely be, and he was right. 

"No, I'll try. I should at least try to make them all feel better if I can. But maybe they could just come up one at a time... I don't think I could handle if they all came in at once."

Pearl set plates in front of the two young humans, "But what about breakfast?"

"I'll eat right now and maybe you could let one in and tell the rest the next comes in when they go back out?"

"All right Steven, I mean, Green. I'll do that, but don't let your food get cold."

Green was already eagerly shoveling food into his mouth. The first person to enter was "Jenny? You're not even old yet!"

"Not for me, dummy. Gunga will come in next. I brought her here and she doesn't know why. I want to surprise her, so can you do it without telling her what you're doing so she'll be surprised? I brought a mirror so she can look at herself right after."

Green frowned, "Jenny, if Nanefua wants me to try to do this, and I don't even know if I'll be able to do it again, it's only going to be with her consent. My dad was an accident and I'd never intentionally alter someone's body without their agreement."

"Aw, man! That blows!" Jenny put a hand on her hip, irritated, "Fine, but I'm going to tell her what you're going to do when I go out and she comes in," and Jenny walked out in a huff.

Green went back to eating and Pink watched as Jenny talked to her grandmother before walking off to the side as the mayor of Beach City entered the house. Green smiled at her, "Nanefua Pizza! Did Jenny tell you what I can try to do?"

"Yes, Steven, she told me you have healing abilities and they've gotten stronger lately and so you were responsible for how great your father is looking today."

"Yes, and I can try to do that for you, too but you'll be the second person ever to have it done and the first one that'll be on purpose. I don't even know if dad was just a fluke occurrence, so I don't want you to get your hopes up and end up disappointed."

Nanefua patted Green's knee, "Oh, Steven, you are too young to worry so much! All you can do is try and if nothing happens, then it just wasn't meant to be."

Green smiled, "Ok, here goes," he took one of her hands in both of his and he focused on Nanefua. He thought about all the good she's done for the town as mayor and all the things she might be able to do in the future if given more time and how he'd overheard her on occasion mentioning arthritic pain, and so he also thought about how much it would allow her to help others if she had more energy and didn't have arthritic pain and then gently kissed the back of Nanefua's hand like he'd seen gentlemen in movies do. A wave of tiredness overtook him and he leaned against Pink. 

"Oh my!" Nanefua exclaimed, "I feel like I'm 50 again! Thank you so much, Steven!" And then she skipped her way to the door, stopped to wave to them and then skipped out the door. 

"Oh my... Steven! It's really true! I honestly thought Greg was pulling my leg about it being you, but wow!" Barb the mail carrier had entered as Nanefua left. 

Green was still leaning on Pink and hadn't gone back to his food yet, "Hey, Barb! Yeah, it's a sudden new thing we found out I can do."

"Ok, so I couldn't really see too well through the door, so what do I gotta do?"

"I just need to hold your hand," and Green reached a shaky hand towards Barb when Pink took his wrist and pulled his hand back. 

"Wait," Pink moved Green to face him. Green kind of wobbled a bit and put his hands out to press against Pink to steady himself. While Green had his hands on Pink, Pink took Green's face in his hands and looked him in the eyes, "You've only done one and you're already exhausted. I think if you do another you'll end up passing out!"

"Oh," Barb looked concerned, "I don't want him to do anything that might be bad for him." She took a step back, then looked at Pink, "Would you like if maybe I ran off the rest of them out there for you?"

Pink smiled and with a quick nod said, "Thanks, Barb."

"Hey, no problem, take care of him," and she went outside and bulldozed the crowd away. 

Green was resting his forehead against Pink's chest and had drifted off to a light sleep. Pink tilted Green's head up and kissed his forehead. Green blinked a couple times, yawned and said, "Kiss me again. I don't think that one fully took," and Green pulled Pink close for a more serious kiss. Then, breakfast was finished and Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst and Greg were all gathered. 

"So, have you decided how to spend your birthday?"

"Well," Pink glared slightly at Greg, "We almost were going to spend it healing everyone in the town. Green's still kind of tired from it and it's only breakfast time." Greg at least had the decency to look apologetic. 

Green was still half leaning on Pink and intermittently yawning, "I know at least two things for sure. I want to show Connie The Garden and I don't want the day to end without there being a door to our bedroom. And maybe a third thing, I could probably use a shower, and now I yield the floor to Pink," and then closed his eyes and leaned face first against Pink's chest.

Pink absent-mindedly rubbed Green's back, "I was thinking that if you, Lapis, Bismuth and Peridot want to do a gathering for cake and things, we could do that for dinner and until then the three of us are just going to play things by ear."

Pink scooped up Green and said to Connie, "Could you grab some clothes for Green and meet us in the bathroom? I'm going to give Green a shower and you could grab anything I need that's out of reach so I don't have to drag him in and out of the shower to get anything. You can keep your back turned to not see anything." Most of what he said was for the sake of those in the room, even if most weren't buying it, they'd have plausible deniability in the very least. 

In the bathroom, Pink held Green's waist while Green removed his shirt, "I don't ever want you too far away, but if we could manage up to a minute at a time, stuff like this wouldn't require so much coordination."

And then Green kept his hands on Pink's shoulders while Pink removed the rest of Green's clothing and said, "But it's ok. I don't mind it."

Green yawned and leaned against Pink, "Maybe we could get someone to start up a pot of coffee."

Pink hugged Green close and rubbed his back, saying, "That really took a lot out of you. You definitely can't do that more than once a day, and probably should even have some days in between as well." Connie came in, carrying clothes, "Could you-"

"If you're going to ask about coffee, on my way here Garnet told me that she's on it."

"Seriously, never get tired of that handy future vision," Green commented between yawns. 

"Wow," Connie commented as she set down the clothes, "You're really worn out, aren't you?"

"Yeah, sorry," Green yawned again. 

"Is it wrong that I'm a little irritated with your dad right now?"

"Not at all, I'm right there with you. Could you start up the shower and get it to a decent temp and then I'll just lift him in with me?"

"Zzzzzzzz," was all that came from Green. 

"Sure, but don't you need to undress?" She asked as she reached a hand into the shower stream before adjusting the temperature. 

"My clothes aren't real, so I can just shift them away and then shift to have them back on after we get out. I just hadn't done it yet in case it might make you uncomfortable."

"You are so sweet and considerate," Connie commented as she deemed the water suitable and walked over to kiss him, "I think it would be more of a distraction than anything uncomfortable at this point." She gave Pink another quick kiss and then, "Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," and she kissed Green.

Green woke up, "huh?" He asked groggily before stifling another yawn. 

"She said it's bath time," Pink replied lifting up Green, stepping into the shower and standing him directly in the path of the water. 

"Oh," Green splashed some water on his own face to help wake up, "normally lifeguards for a shower would be, yaaaawwwn, funny but today I probably could fall over asleep and drown."

Between Pink in the shower and Connie outside of the shower, and occasional help from Green, they managed to get him cleaned, dried and dressed. Pink then carried Green back to the kitchen and got him started drinking coffee. 

Yawn. "If we didn't need to be in constant contact," gulped some coffee "I'd say just leave me here for the day, but since you're stuck with me," another yawn, "maybe you could just shape-shift a backpack or something and just stuff me in that," chugging more coffee, "and then maybe you guys could manage to do something more interesting today."

"I'm not going to stuff you in a backpack and just go about my day."

"But I don't want to be the one to ruin your first birthday in your own body." Leaning back against Pink, "Do you think if we fused maybe you'd have enough awake to counter my sleepiness?"

"Maybe, but do you want to be fused?"

Green closed his eyes and said, "I used to think of us as being like Garnet but we're more like a reverse Garnet... yawn... because she started as two people who want to live as one person and we started as one person but I like being like this better." Another yawn, then Green tilted his head up to look at Pink, "but I'm willing to be fused if it will prevent me ruining our birthday for you."

Pink kissed Green's forehead, "You're not ruining our birthday. Just spending time with you and Connie and the family is all I need."

"We... yawn... might have to show Connie The Garden a different day, unless you want to just walk her around it and tell her about it yourself."

"No, that's your project, we can do it another day."

"Well, we'll wait a bit and see if the caffeine kicks in."

Greg and the gems were in the room so they and Pink and Connie all chitchatted amongst themselves for a bit.

Then, "Did you guys bathe me?"

"And he's awake."

Connie looked at Green and he still looked tired but his eyes were open with occasional blinking instead of the previous closed with occasional peeks, "You don't remember?"

"I've got a couple vague memories but it could've been a dream..."

"It was not a dream."

"So, the caffeine must've finally hit your bloodstream."

"And my bladder! I need a quick trip to the bathroom!"

"Not surprising since you've drank a pot and a half. We'll be right back," and Pink rushed Green to the bathroom.

While they were away, Connie asked, "Is there any time I should make sure they return by?"

Pearl replied, "I was thinking dinner could be at 6PM, if that works for everyone."

"Okay, I'll try to keep an eye on the time to make sure we are here by 6PM."

The boys returned and led Connie upstairs to the galaxy warp. Arriving at The Garden, Connie took in the view from the warp pad. "Wow. Mindscapes don't do it justice as far as size. There was a vague sense that it extended beyond the area we were in, but I didn't realize it'd be this expansive." She turned to Green, "And you want to do this entirely by yourself? It looks like even a team would take ages to complete this."

"Well, that makes for a good long term hobby, and I want to set this up as a complete ecosystem. I think one of the reasons the plants eventually died is they ran out of carbon dioxide to breath. So there needs to be some fauna to go with the flora to create balance."

"What kinds of animals?"

"I haven't entirely decided. I don't even know if it should be earth animals or creatures from somewhere else. The light for the plants also stopped. You can see how there's still some clouds up in the dome. I need to find out if there was some kind of light and rain function that could be reactivated or how that was managed. Maybe we could find the gems that built this place to get more info or maybe Bismuth might know some things. Those are really the first tasks before I can even think about even bringing any plants here." Yawning, then looking a bit more pessimistic, "It might even turn out to be too far gone to fix at all."

Pink wrapped arms around his human, "Worst case scenario, we could see if Bismuth or people like her could build us a fresh dome somewhere else that we can start from scratch."

Leaning into Pink, Green commented, "In some ways, this place is a metaphor of our life. It's us trying to take something connected to mom that is a disaster and fix it and make it better," Green turned in Pink's arms, hugging him and placing his head against his chest, "I never even thought about it that way until just now. Maybe I'm just following some unconscious compulsion to still try to fix mom's crap?"

Pink didn't like seeing Green deflating from his idea that had previously brought him so much pleasure to contemplate, "It's possible that's a part of your motivations, but I think it's more about you loving to create and nurture and to plan and to have a special sanctuary for us. After nearly two decades of our only privacy essentially being the bathroom, I think we both yearn for somewhere we can completely relax and enjoy ourselves without worrying about eavesdropping or sudden attacks or whatever else might pop up. I love that dream and," he tilted Green's head up to look at him, "I love how much joy and excitement the idea brought you."

Green pulled Pink into a kiss, "And I love you," he then turned to Connie, "So what's your verdict? Am I crazy? Is this doable? Should I just say fuck this place and see if we could start with a new one built somewhere else?"

"Well, factors to consider are if this dome's lighting and irrigation systems are even fixable, but also how long would building one of these from scratch take and would there be a long search needed to find a place one could be built on?"

Green was continuing to lean on Pink, not only because he was still tired, but also because Pink was so comfy to lean against, "Well, I guess the decision for now is just then that I or we will attempt to gather more information and then figure out what to do. In the meantime, we could walk you around and I could tell you some of the ideas I have for this place or whatever other place we end up with."

"Sure, let's do that," Connie smiled at the hints she could see of the excitement Pink had talked about.

Green decreed that, to conserve his energy, and to give him the best view to assess things, Pink should let him sit on his shoulder and let Connie sit on his other shoulder so she could share his perspective. "Am I just a beast of burden to you?" Pink asked in good humor.

"Oh, you're no beast, you are my sexy Pink chariot. My strong and powerful bright-burning star that would barely even feel the weight of two little humans. And you love us so very much that you can't stand the idea of us tiring out our tiny, weak legs."

"Weak?" Connie questioned, disbelieving. 

"Okay, new offer. I ride on your shoulders and Connie can hold your hand and walk beside us?"

"I question the characterization of these legs as weak," she gestured to her definitely not weak legs, "and suddenly I don't get to ride the Pink Stallion?" Green was currently hanging off of Pink's neck. Connie came and started climbing Pink, "Carry me!" 

Pink laughed and then scooped Green in one arm and Connie into the other, "Will this suffice my Lord and Lady?"

Doing her best impression of a royal, Connie replied, "This will suffice," before cracking a smile and giggling.

They spent the next couple hours having Pink carry them while Green gestured to various areas and described changes he'd like to make. Eventually, the caffeine in Green's bloodstream dropped and he yawned more and more until eventually falling asleep. Pink and Connie had a pleasant conversation during a leisurely walk back to the warp pad. After warping home, they looked for and found Bismuth to get a head start on answers to some of the Garden related questions. 

Pink and Connie were sat on the couch, with Green asleep on Pink's lap, head nestled under Pink's chin. Everyone, including Connie's parents, had gathered for their birthday and general chit-chatting occurred until Pink woke Green up for a question. 

"Green?... You need to wake up now... Sexy?"

Sleepy groan, "Five more minutes."

Chuckling from Pink, "See, you respond to Sexy. It could've been your name. You need to answer a question I don't feel right answering on your behalf."

Green let out a big yawn into Pink's chest, then glanced groggily around, "We're home?" Another yawn, then rubbing his eyes, "What's the question?"

"The Diamonds," Green tensed, "aren't coming, but they want to know if they could watch by video chat."

A couple blinks as Green worked to focus his eyes, "Um... I don't care if they watch and listen but I don't want to see or hear her, please." Nobody had to ask who the "her" was. Green yawned again, "I think I- oh, thank you, Garnet," and Green started sipping coffee. 

Green's legs extended onto Connie's lap, she patted his legs, "I've already said it to Pink, but I wanted to officially say Happy Birthday to you as well."

Several other Happy Birthday wishes from others in the room. Green was nervous, but not as much as he would've been previously. He tried to just tell himself that everyone was actually looking at his hot boyfriend and girlfriend. 

Connie smiled, "While on Homeworld yesterday, I had an idea for your birthday presents and I spoke to Bismuth and then she turned that idea into something good and made it." Bismuth handed her 3 boxes, two of which Connie passed over to Pink and Green. In Pink's box was a hinged metal band sized to fit around his neck. It wasn't like a dog collar or anything. It was a choker style necklace. It was green and black twisted together and flattened and with an emblem of rose gold pieced together on the front to form a replica of his gem and that hid the latch that held the band shut. "The green is tarnished copper and then coated with a seal to keep it that way. The green is to represent Green and the black is me and it represents how we totally claim dibs on you." She smiled a flirty smile. 

Pink tried it on, "I love it," he gave Connie a kiss. 

Green opened his gift. It was similar to Pink's except the green part was replaced with rose gold, Connie said, "And Green belongs to Pink and me and, "she opened the box on her lap. She pulled out another choker, sized for herself, with green and rose gold. "And I belong to the two of you!" All three wore their neck bands proudly. 

Green pulled Connie onto his lap while he still sat on Pink's lap. "These are amazing! Thank you Connie and Bismuth!" Green kissed Connie. 

"Looking good!" Bismuth gave them thumbs up.

A few more gifts, mostly some games for Green and gift cards for Pink. Some had bought "Steven" gifts, so they took that as being to both of them. Dinner was next. Food was brought to them on the couch. Pearl really outdid herself with the cooking. Green felt guilty that it was getting harder and harder to stay awake. 

As it came time for cake, Green was basically just sleeping while sitting next to Pink and leaning against his side. They made sure to wrap up a piece of cake for him to enjoy the next day. After that Connie's parents took her home and Pink carried Green up to their bed, closing and locking their new bedroom door just for the sake of enjoying having that option.


	16. Just a Bit of Fun in Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can skip this chapter because it doesn't affect the plot. It's just filling in what happened during the time from when Pink locks their door for the first time until they leave their room the next morning. It's more of my mostly vague suggestion of smut.
> 
> Note: DizzyComet's fanfiction gave me the idea of a gem enjoying somebody touching their gem

Once in bed, Green woke just enough to pull Pink closer. He gave a whining type of sound as he tried to burrow into Pink's chest. 

"What's wrong? We're safely together. Alone in our bedroom with our new door locked so nothing and nobody will hurt or disturb us." Kisses Green's forehead, "So tell me what's wrong."

Green mumbled into Pink's chest. Pink held Green slightly away, attempting to hear what Green was saying. Green weakly struggled to close the gap, "Need..." he whined, "...so tired but... need... please..." Green was trying to force himself more awake, "wanted door... wanted... you..." Pink was able to feel through the link what Green wanted but it was cute to watch him struggle against sleep and fight to convey what he needed. 

He stroked Green's hair, saying, "We have a door, just like you wanted."

Green groaned, "I know... didn't expect to be so... tired..." he ran his hands under Pink's shirt, blindly groping his chest. Green continued, "wanted to... real world... need..." Green grabbed Pink's hand, deciding with his limited energy to be more direct, he brought Pink's hands to a very needy part of himself, "Please..."

Pink smiled, gave Green a kiss and said, "Are you finding it... hard to stay asleep?"

Green groaned in response, Pink's hand having not left where Green had brought it, "Yes, please..."

"You know you are so adorable when you beg," and Pink decided to take mercy on his love running his hands down Green's body as he shifts him onto his back and positions himself lower in the bed. "I know you don't have the energy for all you'd prefer we do," Green whined, "but don't worry, you know I'll take care of you." He freed Green's swollen member and immediately started teasing him with his mouth. Green had enough energy left to instinctively start trying to thrust into Pink's mouth. Pink chuckled and held Green's hips in place, "eager boy." 

As he worked on Green, he could feel through their link as Green's pleasure built until finally Green was flooded with endorphins that relaxed his tired body even further. And as Pink laid his head on a pillow and snuggled Green up beside him, Green used the last of his energy to say, ****I love you.****

Kissing Green's forehead as he felt him drift to sleep, "I love you, too."

\-------------

Green woke and found himself spooned with Pink, arms holding him close. He couldn't imagine anything feeling more secure than nestled in Pink's arms. He felt the remnants of sleep dissolving with each waking breath, feeling like he'd finally recovered from his exhaustion. He took one of Pink's hands and brought it to his face, kissing each knuckle and fingertip before sitting up out from under Pink's arm to turn and roll him onto his back and then knelt beside Pink's legs to just gaze for a moment in admiration at his beautiful boyfriend. He slid his hands under Pink's shirt to caress his abdomen while pushing his shirt up enough to expose his gem. He remembered how wonderful it had felt in the dream when Pink had mimicked tracing his gem's design on Green's stomach with his tongue. He wondered if Pink might enjoy Green doing that to the real thing. First step, he just bent down and kissed the center of Pink's gem, concentrating on all the love he had for Pink and hoping he could feel it radiate through him. 

Pink opened his eyes and looked down to make eye contact with Green, "Not the worst way to wake up," he commented before being unable to suppress a moan that erupted from him as Green's tongue began to trace the facets of his gem while maintaining eye contact. Using physical clues in combination with their link, Green used his mouth and tongue to tempt and tease, relishing being the one to make Pink squirm. 

Real life limitations meant they needed to make sure to take a trip to the store for supplies before they could try going beyond a certain point.


	17. The Day After Their Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This day doesn't really go much better to plan than their birthday did. Some happy and not happy and just a little crazy.

Finally leaving their bedroom, Green and Pink walked hand in hand down the stairs to breakfast, keeping their stools close enough to keep their legs in contact. "So glad to see you walking under your own power again, Green." Pearl said cheerfully as she set plates in front of her two baby boys. 

"Yeah, I've definitely got to space out that healing younger thing because it's crazy how draining it is."

"Just don't let anyone bully or guilt you into doing it if you don't feel up to it or want to. You don't owe anyone anything," Pearl ruffled Green's hair.

"So, Connie and I were talking to Bismuth yesterday during one of your naps and she's willing to come to The Garden to take a look on if it's repairable and how long it would take. She also said that construction on a new one somewhere would take about a year based on tech she's aware of but since she's been out of the loop in that field for awhile, she's going to check in with some friends to double check on that." 

"Cool," Green commented between bites, "Anything else on the agenda today?"

Pearl commented, "Peridot was hoping to get you to visit sometime for follow up scans."

"Also known as getting practically mummified in wires," Green commented. 

Pearl rolled her eyes, then got a more serious look on her face, "There's a present for you from the Diamonds-"

"What?"

"Spinel delivered it, well not so much delivered as 'told us where to find it' because they'd left it when they were here and just hid it rather than take it back at the time."

"Where is it?"

"They stashed it in the desert where we originally found your legs, I mean the leg ship."

"We don't have to deal with it if you don't want to," Pink said. 

"No, I think I'll worry about it if we don't check it out. I don't want the chance a human might come across whatever it is and it's not going to require interacting with any of them so, unless it was a box they were hiding in," he paused a moment as his brain unhelpfully flashed what that would be like. He shook his head a bit to sort of shake the image away, giving a shudder before continuing, "...um... since it definitely wouldn't be that, I think it should be fine... or we could just have someone check it out for us and report back..." Green felt dumb that his brain had made him go from feeling it was fine to thinking it might be scary despite it being definitively impossible to be a box with the Diamonds in it. He knew they'd watched his birthday from Homeworld, right? Spinel had talked to them on Homeworld after their visit the other day so it obviously wasn't-

A hand on his shoulder brought Green back to the present, "Green?" Pink's voice showed concern. 

Green looked at Pink, "Sorry, I should be fine with checking it out." He ran a hand across his face and up through his hair. 

Pink's hand moved from Green's shoulder to massaging the back of his neck, "We don't have to deal with it if-"

"No," Green leaned into the massage and closed his eyes as it helped to relax him, "it'll be fine. I'm not going to let my brain make me nervous about something based on my imagination trying to make me paranoid."

Pink replied in a hesitant voice, "Okay, but only if you're sure you'll be okay."

Green smiled at Pink, "How can I be anything else when I'm accompanied by the universe's most powerful diamond as my protector?" Green pulled Pink in for a kiss.

After the kiss, "I don't know if I'm the most powerful..." 

"Aw... are you trying to be humble?" Green climbed onto Pink's lap, "I'd take one of you over 100 of those other diamonds." Green kissed along Pink's jawline, "If there was a contest, I'd bet all my money on you."

"Um... I'm going to go... away now..." Pearl said, reminding the boys she was there. 

Green got a guilty look, "Oh, sorry Pearl," though he didn't move from Pink's lap.

As Pearl left the room, Green went back to kissing Pink behind the ear, as it was one of the spots Pink most reacted to, and whispered in his ear, "It's difficult to remember anyone in the room when My Diamond burns so brightly." Pink shivered before scooping Green up and taking him back to their room, locking the door as they went.

Later, as they lay snuggled contentedly in bed, Green said, "I figure we can swing by Peridot's first and then... we'll go check out the gift." Green smiled at Pink, "provided I can keep my hands off you long enough. Oh, and," Green got a mischievous smile, "since we're going to get examined, we should probably make sure we're really clean and take a shower first. And this time, I'll be awake."

As Pink carried Green to the bathroom, "And we definitely need to remember to swing by the store while we're out."

\-------------

Arriving at Lapis and Peridot's place, Peridot was surprised to see they were still unfused. "You're still separate? Why?"

With Pink's hand on his shoulder, Green replied, "Because we like being like this."

"Will you ever fuse again?" Lapis asked.

Green shrugged and Pink replied, "If we feel like it or need to for some reason."

"Hmmm, well have you tried breaking contact with each other?"

"I tried doing several attempts that were each less than a second long to see if it might take longer but it hurt the same every time and upset my stomach so it doesn't seem like that's an option."

"That's because you weren't doing it right. I've been researching human biology to incorporate the data into my equipment. I want to improve the accuracy of future scans of a hybrid like Steven. But I also want to be able to scan a full human like Connie to further examine this link you have with her and wanted to further study your ability to heal others. My studies have shown that a human builds endurance by pushing themself farther and farther. I believe you would need to break contact for extended periods at a time to eventually build up strength."

"It doesn't feel like I have an extended period of time before death when we lose contact. Are you suggesting I'd need to die a bunch of times?"

Pink's grip on Green's shoulder tightened

"Well firstly that is my theory but I'd need to run more scans to determine what exactly would be required."

"We don't need to be able to separate," Pink replied with a frown. 

"It might be nice on a cold day to be able to send you to the store while I stay warm in bed." Green turned around and wrapped his arms around Pink. ****and**** Green stopped himself speaking too much, but didn't succeed in stopping loud thinking. 

Pink hugged Green, "And what?"

Green sighed, "I don't want you to ever leave me, but I don't want to worry you're only with me out of guilt of what your leaving would do to me." Green looked up at Pink, "I don't want to be your cage or your chain, I want to be your home."

"You are my home now," Pink cupped Green's cheek. 

Green closed his eyes and savored Pink's touch for a moment before opening them again and asking, "But what if that changes? What if it starts to feel too restrictive for you? I don't want you to grow to resent me."

"I'm never going to resent you. You'll just have to trust me on that. And if something changes, then we'll worry about it then." Pink stroked his thumb across Green's cheek. "You don't always need to preempt problems that might never come."

With a relaxing sigh, Green snuggled into Pink's chest. "Ok, but we still should at least make sure being unfused isn't doing anything bad. We might need like tune up fusions or something."

Pink smirked, "Tune up fusions?"

Green squeezed Pink, "You know what I mean!"

"Ahem," Peridot regained the boys' attention, "If you're finished with whatever that was, get on the table so that I can start attaching wires."

As Pink carried Green over to the table, Green said, "That reminds me, I want to tell you about some of the stuff that happened while you were in your gem."

Outside, a bird was startled and flew away due to a loud laugh. 

\---------

Peridot wanted time to review all her data before commenting on any of it, so Pink and Green swung by a store to buy a few things, dropped them off at the bedroom and then took the warp to the pad nearest their mystery present. 

There they found a gold wrapped box, roughly 10 feet tall and with a shimmery bow on top. Pink and Green approached walking hand in hand. "So..." Green started, "How do we open it?"

Pink walked them closer and reached his free hand to a part of the bow that hung low enough that even Green could've reached it. He grabbed and pulled, causing the bow to untie and the sides of the box to flop outward. Pink grabbed Green and moved them out of the way.

Inside was a 10 feet tall golden sphere. It seemed shiny and smooth for most of it except for a panel about 4 feet off the ground with several different buttons on it. Green touched the largest button at the same time as he heard Spinel's voice yelling not to touch. As he removed his hand from the already pressed button and turned to ask Spinel why she was there, among other questions, Pink grabbed Green and moved them back away from the sphere as soon as he registered what she was saying, assuming something dangerous was about to happen. He had them only a handful of yards back as the sphere hummed to life.

"I'm sorry," Spinel immediately started apologizing as she closed the gap between them, the gems alongside her, "I only just found out about that button..." Spinel continued talking to Pink, but Green didn't hear any of it. He didn't even register Pink's hands still on his shoulders because he'd turned after the hologram had formed. 

Green stood frozen as he stared at all three life sized Diamonds. 

In less than a minute, Pearl got to the sphere and switched it off. "Typical Diamonds, thinking we want to see more of them," Pearl muttered to herself.

"Dude! Your hands!" Green didn't react to Amethyst's words, but Pink did. 

Pink grabbed one of Green's hands, seeing it clenched so tightly into a fist that the nails digging into his palms had drawn blood. He pulled Green into a hug, burying Green's face into his chest like Green so frequently did himself. After a minute, he could feel Green's body softening, scooping him up as his legs buckled. Pink rubbed Green's back soothingly as Green clutched at Pink's shirt with bloody hands and kept his face buried in Pink's chest. 

While Green stayed burrowed, Pink turned back to Spinel, "So the Diamonds thought we'd enjoy a life sized replica?"

"Well," Spinel clarified, "That's just one of its functions. A function I unfortunately found out about too late, but it's main function is actually entertainment. The other controls allow you to set up interactive holograms to create different places and even people to interact with. It's even got a stage and band function they thought Steven would enjoy for performing in the future."

"I don't care," came from Green. He looked at Pink, "Would you destroy it, please?"

As if there was any chance that Pink could deny those tear-filled eyes, "Watch out, Pearl," Pink yelled, allowing Pearl to jump back before dropping a giant spiked ball large enough to completely crush the golden sphere. 

Green put his arms around Pink's neck and his head on Pink's shoulder, "Thank you. Can we go home now?"

"Sure, love," Pink replied, rubbing Green's back. 

When they warped back home, Pink sat on the couch with Green on his lap and examined Green's hands. "I'm sorry," Green commented, "I didn't do that on purpose."

"I know," Pink replied, then kissed his hands to heal them. 

Green leaned against Pink with his head on his shoulder. They sat quietly for awhile, oblivious to anyone else in the room. Suddenly, Lion ported in with Connie. 

Connie rushed to them and wrapped her arms around both of them, "Thank the stars! I felt something happen but I couldn't get a cell signal! Are you both all right?" She leaned back to get a look at them and saw unshed tears in Green's eyes. "What happened?"

"Present from the Diamonds..." Green quietly commented, sounding drained. 

Connie looked at Pink, who explained what happened. She ran her hand through Green's hair, "oh, you really didn't need that." She looked at Pink, "How about we all just cuddle on the couch and stream some light and fun movie?" Green focused on radiating love instead of verbally replying, Connie kissed his forehead as she said, "Aw, love you, too," and got a movie started before joining them on the couch.

When evening came, they kissed Connie goodnight and she went home. Pink and Green got ready for bed and once they were settled down for the night, Green was snuggled up to Pink's side with his head on Pink's shoulder.

Pink could feel that Green felt bad, "What's wrong?"

Green just rubbed Pink's chest back and forth and said, "I feel guilty for feeling bad. The day started off so promising and we got stocked up for some fun tonight, but I don't feel like doing anything but snuggle and sleep and I hate that I'm letting something so stupid affect me so much."

Pink rubbed Green's hip with the hand that was resting on it, "You don't need to feel guilty about not being in the mood for things. Truthfully, that hologram soured the day for me as well."

"At first, I hadn't realized it was a hologram and I thought my worry during breakfast had come true."

Pink thought back, "Oh, about them hiding in the box," Pink chuckled, "Well you were right in a way."

Green smiled as he grumbled, "Well, it's not a good thing to give my paranoid brain a win because you'll only encourage it." They were comfortably silent a bit and then, "You know, one of the downsides of not being able to separate is we can't surprise each other with gifts or breakfast in bed or stuff like that."

"A small price to pay. Plus, you're so easily distracted, I probably could still manage that."

Green yawned, "I'm too tired to argue, so I'll accept your premise and then it just means you won't ever get a surprise from me."

"Oh, how wrong you are. You still surprise me all the time."

Green lifted his head to make eye contact with Pink, "I do?"

"Humans can be so unpredictable that, even as well as I know you, there are still many times you've surprised me. For example, how about when you publicly declared your love for me? That was the best surprise. Or when you woke me up by kissing my gem? Another wonderful surprise."

Green smiled as he snuggled in what few millimeters more that he could, "Ok, that's good. I don't want your life to become too dull."

"I'm not worried. Sleep well, my love."

Green's only response was to once again broadcast feelings of love to Pink as sleep finally overtook him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing style....if you could say I have any, is mostly like I'm watching a program in my head and then doing my best to transcribe things as they happen. 
> 
> When I have specific goals for things that should happen, I sometimes write multiple different versions of the same chapter and then go with the time it goes the closest to my goal. Other times, the detour is more interesting to me than any of my dumb plans and shifts the story in a new direction. 
> 
> One example of a character not cooperating with me is when Steven wouldn't leave the galaxy warp dome to confront White. No matter what I did, and that included sending Garnet to tell him it would go great, he absolutely refused to cooperate. A milder version is in this chapter where Green destroys (well, gets Pink to destroy) the gift from the Diamonds. We could've had some fun with that, darn it all. 
> 
> Oh, and if anyone would have any interest in reading some of the alternate scenes, I could post them as their own stand alone things, so let me know.


	18. A New Job for Bismuth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green and Pink take Bismuth to check out The Garden

Green didn't think he could ever grow tired of waking up with Pink in his bed. Of course, he also liked when Connie was snuggled up to him, too, but he'd have to wait a few more years at least before that could be more than a rare thing. 

This day, Pink was awake first or, more accurately, didn't bother going to sleep at all. He still had the habit of keeping guard against threats or any health glitches, even though he knew that wasn't a high concern issue at the time. He also just found he enjoyed watching Green sleep. He'd have to mention to Pearl sometime that maybe she wasn't so weird to have enjoyed that. They'd found that something about being separate prevented Pink from the ability to directly enter Green's dreams, though he could enter Connie's and the two of them could use her link to get to Green's dreams, but that required a certain amount of advance coordination. Pink also enjoyed the occasional random sleep talking Green did. It was fun to try to figure out what he could be dreaming about to cause him to say various things. Pink also hadn't even scratched the surface of ways he might be able to try and affect Green's dreams externally. Like Connie, he'd noted how Green's dreams seemed to have been affected by what he and Connie were doing beside him. And, of course, who could complain about getting to see Green open his eyes in the morning, register Pink's presence and then see the smile that appeared on his face while happiness and love radiated from him through their link. 

"Good morning, my love."

"Every morning is good with you in it."

"Ok, now that we've exceeded our cheesiness quota for the day, how about some breakfast?"

"If that's what My Diamond wants," Green said with a mischievous grin. 

Pink returned the grin, "Well in that case, breakfast can wait."

\--------------

After a late, relaxed breakfast, "You're going to get it in my eye!"

"Stop squirming and that won't happen."

"I think it's burning my skin."

"You're the one that wanted this."

"It looks easier on TV."

"Do you want to stop?"

"...No... but you might need to heal some burns afterwards."

"We can check if there's some gem tech for next time."

The gems were really curious what was going on in the bathroom, especially for such a long time. Pearl knocked on the bathroom door, "Is everything all right in there?"

"We're fine, Pearl," they replied in unison. 

Pearl stood there, trying to think of anything else she could do to find out what the boys were up to.

"Just accept you'll have to wait, Pearl, unless Garnet wants to share?" Amethyst turned to Garnet. 

"Nah, I wouldn't wanna ruin the surprise."

Eventually, the bathroom door opened and the gems were presented with, "Ta da!"

"Oh, sweet!" Amethyst walked up to them, "Green, your hair looks so good like that! And it'll help everyone remember your name!"

"Yeah, I figured it would be cool to differentiate myself from Steven and everything."

Garnet gave a thumbs up and Pearl touched Green's hair, "This is what you were doing in there?"

Green looked confused, "Yeah? What did you think we were doing?"

"I don't know, but you were in there for hours. How did this take hours?"

"We had to bleach it first so the color would show because my hair was too dark."

"Well, it just seems like you didn't need to shut the door to do that. People might worry because of the whole gift thing yesterday."

"Well if 'people' are worried, they don't have to be. I didn't even have a nightmare about that... at least, as far as I remember." Green looked toward Pink inquisitively. 

"No nightmares as far as I can tell, but you did mention something about squirrels," Pink smiled, remembering how cute it was.

Green blushed, "Oh... that was just about flying squirrels... trying to steal snacks from Amethyst."

"Did I kick the squirrels' butts?"

"Worse, you bit one and found out it was delicious so... you ended up... adding them to your snacks," Green was so embarrassed.

"Oh yeah! Ain't nobody gonna mess with my snacks!"

"Do you have any more plans for the day?" Pearl asked. 

Green looked at Pink, who shrugged, so Green spoke, "I was thinking Pink and I could take a walk around the boardwalk to show off my new look and see if I can handle any attention we draw."

"Well then, if there's no objections, that's exactly what we'll do," replied Pink looking at everyone and when nobody spoke, Green and Pink left the house, walking hand in hand. 

They strolled at a leisurely pace down the boardwalk. When people greeted Green as Steven, they explained the change. The gems they met understood immediately, some of the humans took a little more explaining. 

"So you're saying you're each half of a person..." Ronaldo looked skeptical. 

*Awkward laugh* "Sort of... It's like Ruby and Sapphire, you remember you were at their wedding? And when they combined they made Garnet? It's like that."

"You turn into Garnet?"

*Sigh* "No, we combine to turn into Steven Universe."

"But you're Steven Universe!"

"No, it's-"

"Oh, I get it now," whispers conspiriatorially, "the green hair is your attempt at a disguise. You might want to add a little more for it to work though." Then louder, "Thank you, kind stranger, I'll let you know if I see that Steven Universe anywhere!" And then walks off.

Pink and Green looked at each other, wordlessly agreeing that Ronaldo was an idiot. Luckily most humans, though needing a bit more than gems did to understand, were nowhere near as thick in the head as Ronaldo. 

Eventually finding themselves in Little Homeworld, they decided to check in with Peridot and Lapis. "Hey, Steven-I mean, Green and Pink." Lapis greeted them, giving them each a hug, "If you're looking for Peridot, she's not here right now. She warped back to Homeworld to check on some things."

"That's all right. We were already in the area. Do you know if she finished analyzing her scans?"

Lapis frowned, "Not that she's told me, but I do think she might've been worrying about something to do with them because she took the tablet containing the data with her to Homeworld."

Green frowned, and noticed Pink similarly frowning, They thanked Lapis for the info, agreed to a Camp Pining Hearts marathon in the future, and continued their walk. 

"So, should I start to worry?"

Pink smiled at him, "You say that like you haven't already begun to worry."

Green smiled back, did a little twirl to wrap himself up against Pink's chest and looking up at him replied, "True, but I'm still perfectly willing to be distracted right now."

Pink looked down at his playful lover with an intrigued look, "Any particular method of distracting you'd prefer?"

"Well," Green's cheeks started to match the color of his handsome boyfriend, "I think I've been tolerating attention pretty well so far today, maybe we should try some PDA."

Arms wrapped around Green, Pink lifted him while bending his head down to kiss him. He didn't stop the kiss until Green needed to breath. As Green gasped to catch his breath, Pink asked, "Like that?"

Green's arms were wrapped around Pink's neck, "I don't know, that's kind of dangerous because it almost had me begging you to fuck me right here."

"Only almost?"

"Do you hear me begging?"

"I feel your erection trying to stab me."

Green blushed, "Be that as it may... is there anywhere nearby that we could continue this... conversation?" 

That's all the prompting Pink needed to find a rooftop with an over-hanging tree that made a semi private little area. They spent some rejuvenating time there before eventually heading to Bismuth's forge. 

"Hey, you two! What prompts this visit?" Asked Bismuth as the boys entered. 

Pink spoke first, "We were wondering if you'd heard anything from your builder friends about making a garden dome."

"They're still checking on material and location availability to give a more definitive answer, but it's already looking like it might be doable in less than 6 months."

"Really? A whole place from scratch?" Green asked.

"Yep."

"Do you still want to check out Pink Diamond's old garden to see if it's repairable?"

"Sure. I've got a class coming up, so how about I come to your place in about an hour and a half?"

"Works for me. That'll give us time to eat," Green replied to Bismuth, then turned to Pink and said, "And would my sexy Pink chariot be ready to get me to some food now?"

"As you wish," Pink scooped up Green and got them home for a late lunch. 

After eating, while waiting for Bismuth, Pink was sat on the couch with Green on his lap and leaning into him. "I was thinking," Green said while trailing a finger up and down the bicep he was facing, "one of the advantages of needing to be in constant contact is that nobody can really complain that we snuggle together too much."

"That's true, though I think you would've chosen to sit like this regardless."

"Well, yeah. You are so comfy that nobody could resist, but also nobody can complain about it. It's like I have an illness that requires me to eat cake for the sake of my health. How can anyone be so lucky?" Instead of waiting for an answer, Green kissed Pink. Kissing continued until Bismuth's arrival. 

"Ahem."

Green, breaking kiss, "Ah, Bismuth. Time sure flew by."

Pink and Green stood. Bismuth followed them to the galaxy warp. Upon arrival at The Garden, Pink and Green followed Bismuth down the stairs from the warp. Bismuth walked up to a side of the structure the warp pad sat on. They stopped where there was a carved relief of the Diamond Authority symbol. Bismuth shifted the shape of her hand and placed it against the symbol, causing it to glow and the section of wall it was attached to slid down into a slot in the floor. This revealed an entrance to an area Green hadn't even realized existed. Following Bismuth through the entrance, they found themselves in what was obviously a control room. 

"Here's where me being out of the loop awhile is a good thing, because this is something from my time prior to earth."

Green was shocked, "You helped build this?"

Bismuth put a hand up in a stop gesture, "No, not this particular place, but it's features are from the same time period as when I was building other things elsewhere. This makes it tech I'm most familiar with. Out of all the Bismuths, I'm the only one who feels like I was working on this era tech only a few hundred years ago instead of thousands or those that were grown much later and have never worked with it."

Green was standing with Pink behind him, leaning back against him and holding both Pink's hands like the corners of a blanket he was wrapping himself in. He tilted his head up to glance toward Pink behind him, asking, "Didn't I just say I was far too lucky? If this keeps up, I'm going to get nervous about when inevitably something is gonna send my luck back to something more usual to our life."

Pink pulled Green more tightly against himself as he looked down and met Green's eyes and said, "Even if it takes centuries, I'm going to find a way to turn you into an optimist."

Green chuckled slightly, "Good luck," he replied before noting Bismuth looking at them expectantly, "Sorry, Bismuth, I didn't mean to interrupt."

"As I was saying," Bismuth continued, "this is stuff I'm familiar with and, looking around, I'm optimistic myself. It looks like things are run down from lack of maintenance but its mainly a matter of replacing parts that broke down from neglect rather than having to overhaul things entirely. Just to get it back in working order, probably take me a week or two at most. Though that doesn't include restoration of those crumbling pillars and things out in the garden, just the environmental systems."

"What exactly do those systems manage?"

Glancing around briefly to assess and confirm, Bismuth then replied, "There's solar functions to give varying degrees of light needed for plant growth. There's a water reclamation system that cycles into clouds any water that's soaked deep enough in the ground to no longer be within reach of any roots. There are oxygen management controls to continually process enough oxygen into carbon dioxide for the plants to breath. Gravitational controls, shield strength to protect the dome from random debris flying through space. That reminds me, I'll need to give the dome at least a once over to check for and repair any weakening points."

"In addition to repair, would it be possible to set up a user interface that would allow me to manually adjust things if I want or need to?"

"That's no problem at all. Any other adjustments?"

"Ideally, I'd like to change the fountain design. I'd also like to maybe set up something with what used to be a pond, to have a stream circling in the garden with bridges to cross over and the ability to support fish. I was also hoping to incorporate some animals into this place, so any modifications that might help support that. Um... a bathroom of some sort would probably be a good idea... and maybe other things when I have more time to think about it."

"None of what you suggested should be any problem, but will add time to the project and we'll have to discuss plans for how you want some of it set up."

Pink was glad to feel that excitement he so enjoyed returning to Green. Green commented, "And it could still be good to know about making a fresh one because there's always the possibility that I might want to do another after this one."

Green spent the rest of the day researching and sketching out various garden ideas until Pink decreed that Green still needed to sleep. Once in bed, Pink made sure to thoroughly distract and exhaust Green until he fell into a blissful sleep.


	19. Scanapalooza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot needs more data

After spending dream time to give Connie some attention, Pink woke to Green laying and looking at him adoringly. "Hey," Green said as soon as Pink opened his eyes, "I was thinking maybe the fountain can be including a sculpture of you. Or just a separate statue of you." 

Pink found himself blushing, "That's not necessary."

Green smiled as he made a mental note of managing to make Pink blush. He scooted forward and kissed Pink and then, looking down at Pink, commented, "Aw, My Diamond is so modest to not want a monument to his greatness." As desired, this led to Pink pinning Green to the bed and making Green very happy for an extended time span. 

\------

Green asked, and Pink went along with, going to local garden centers and browsing the various offerings so he could take notes of ideas. Then, he wanted to see Lapis because, since she had taken up sculpting and was a water expert, he wanted to see if she'd be interested in making a fountain. 

"Peridot hasn't come back yet," Lapis said as soon as Green and Pink entered.

"We're here to see you, actually." Green said, and at Lapis' surprise, explained, "I'm working on our mother's former garden and I wanted to see if you might be interested in combining your sculpting abilities with your water knowledge to create a fountain for me."

"Oh, you want a fountain made by me? That's quite an honor. What would you want it to look like?"

"Well, I've got some suggestions of the general style, but I'd want to give you as much free reign as possible." Green opened up a binder and showed Lapis some sketches and prints of fountains.

While Lapis and Green, with occasional comments from Pink, were discussing fountains, Peridot returned. "Here you are!" Peridot complained, "You weren't at home when I returned and I've been looking for the two of you everywhere!"

Green didn't really know what to say, but guilt came easily to him, so he replied, "Sorry. We probably should've told someone at home our plans."

"It's not our fault you were inefficient in your search. You could've just called us to ask where we were," Pink said. 

"Well I might've tried that if I'd taken my phone with me to Homeworld, but it didn't seem necessary at the time."

"Ok, well nobody needs to get mad. You've found us now. What do you need?"

"I need to scan you. Next, you'll need to briefly break contact while scans are running. Then, I'll need you to fuse, so I can scan Steven and then I'll need you to unfuse and get scanned one final time."

"Why?" Pink was concerned about what might cause her to need to seek them out for so many scans. 

Peridot grabbed Green's wrist to drag him to the platform by her equipment, nearly causing Pink to lose contact. "Both of you sit down."

Pink held onto Green's shoulder, preventing him sitting down, to leave him instead standing with Pink. "Wait," Pink said. 

Looking irritated, Peridot turned around and crossed her arms, "What?"

Pink spoke in his 'very serious' tone, "We are not doing anything until you explain more."

"Do you really want me to tell you hypotheses that may not prove true?"

"Humor me."

"Fine," Peridot grumbled and she pulled up some data on her tablet and positioned herself so that she and Pink could both see the screen, "If you look at the data, you will see what appears to be cellular degradation in Green's last scans. What's something is that I also detected an imbalance in your structure as well." She shifted to another set of data points. "There seems to be a power flow from you to him that disruption of said flow causes cellular degradation in him and power instability in you. I'm assuming you have not broken contact since the last time I scanned you," she looked at Pink, who confirmed her assumption, then she continued, "I'm hoping that your readings are the same or improved because if they are further degraded, then it means that your being unfused is damaging the both of you. Briefly separating will allow me to measure the rate of instability when the energy flow is no longer direct. Scanning you when fused will help verify your stability when fused because if there is any instability then, we will have an entirely new set of worries. After you unfuse, I'll verify if levels have changed from prefused." She then lowered her tablet and made eye contact with Pink, "So may we now proceed with scanning?"

Pink then sat himself and Green on the platform and cooperated fully. Green wasn't especially interested in the details, so he'd been texting Connie to tell her about the fountain and Peridot doing more scanning. He knew that if he ever wanted to know the details that were being discussed, Pink could tell him later in a way that would be understandable to him. This isn't to suggest stupidity on Green's part, it's moreso that he had trouble focusing on things he didn't care about.

Green originally had other ideas of topics to pass the time during scan-a-palooza, but the link meant he could read Pink to some extent, and what he was reading was that Pink was worried. "So, I'm guessing what she was telling you was bad?" Green could feel Pink's conflicted feelings as he decided what to say so Green added, "I know that you are worried. So I know you have worry, I just don't know if I should be quiet to let you think or if you'd like me to distract you from worrying. So I'm not interested in what she was talking about unless my knowing that will somehow help you. If not, then my question to you is just 'quiet or distract?'"

Green could feel some of Pink's worry already lessening some as mirth was added to the equation, "And how do you expect to distract me?" Pink asked. Meanwhile, Peridot had finally finished attaching all the wires and was fiddling with equipment. 

"I know I'm mostly the one of us that's easier to distract, but that doesn't mean it's impossible for me to do to you. I have so many options of ways I could try that you wouldn't even be able to process the shear volume of distractions pouring down on you."

They were seated so that Green was on Pink's lap because it was Green's favorite way to sit and Peridot hadn't objected. Pink smiled down at Green, "I won't, huh?"

It was hard to move without disturbing wires, so that did limit Green's options, but he wasn't worried because that still left him all kinds of verbal and mental things he could try. In fact, he could almost think of it as a fun game to pass boring scanathon time. Green smiled back at Pink, "Nope. Your brain will go all topsy turvy trying to figure out my human wiles."

"I've heard of feminine wiles, but not human wiles," Pink replied, already amused.

"That just means you'll be even less prepared for them to be used on you. I will have you trying to figure out how my brain works and it'll be like that show with the robot where they asked it a question and it was impossible and his head exploded."

"I think you might be combining two different shows with that example," Pink wasn't sure if that was intentional or him being his normal self that was known to do that unintentionally. 

Now, Pink expected a response continuing on that path so he was surprised at what Green said next, "Do you think I'd be able to get drunk? I wonder if your healing thing would prevent me from getting drunk and if that would be something you could decide if you did or not."

"You want to get drunk? Since when?"

"Ok," interrupted Peridot, "I need you to briefly break contact and then you can go straight to fusing from there."

Green carefully got up from Pink's lap, still holding Pink's hand, and knelt beside Pink on the platform, "How brief is brief?"

"I didn't want to quantify it because I'm not asking you to extend any negative experience longer than you can tolerate. Preferably, the longer the better, but you can rejoin as soon as you choose."

Green looked at Pink, unconsciously squeezing Pink's hand tighter, "If it's like previous times, I might not have the ability to move, so you'll have to decide when to reconnect us." Green looked in Pink's eyes with immense trust, "I know you won't let me die, so I can tolerate it for as long as you decide is useful but safe."

Pink could feel the fear coming from Green, "We don't ha-"

Green put a finger of his free hand to Pink's lips, "If it will help make sure we're ok, I can endure it. More knowledge is more power, right?" Pink nodded with worried eyes. "Ok, so here we go." Green wasn't touching except via the hand holding. He took a deep breath and pulled his hand back. 

They were separated only a finger's width apart. Green's eyes widened at the several second delay in feeling the separation affects, then Pink watched Green's eyes become unfocused, and his coloring got worse. He was simultaneously so still that it wasn't clear if he was breathing, while also looking like he might topple over at any minute. "Can you hear me?" Pink asked, with no reaction from Green so he then tried talking to him via the link, _*Green? Can you hear me?*_

Via the link, Green immediately replied, ****Yes, I can hear you!**** , via the link, Pink could feel several things. With the words came a shared feeling of relief, both from Pink at getting a response and Green from having heard him. There was also a surge in strength of Pink's ability to sense how Green felt while the words transmitted. After Green's response ended, the transmission weakened to its normal background level, but Pink found he could focus and strengthen the connection at will. He could feel the way all Green's senses were dulled, preventing any distraction from the feeling of every cell in Green's body withering away while simultaneously experiencing an overall sensation like his essence was being pulled from his body. As the feeling intensified on its own, Pink heard Green at the same time he felt the matching sensation of ****I need to breathe. I can't breathe!****

Pink reached out and the moment his hand touched Green's, they immediately fused. There was a moment where Steven's eyes were closed and he took several deep breaths, before relaxing his face and opening his eyes. 

"Ok, Steven, I'm going to start adjusting the wires."

"Okay, Peridot." Steven glanced around, "Where did Lapis go?"

"I think she mentioned going to her studio to work on fountain ideas."

"Oh, okay." First thing Steven did was take a selfie because Green wanted to see how their hair looked. He then decided to text Connie, **_***Hey, Connie. This is Steven. Green and Pink fused for scans so I figured I'd say hi while I can.***_**

*Hi, Steven. Sorry you didn't end up getting to exist on your birthday.*

**_***It's okay. I still get to enjoy it in a way through their memories and plus, that way it's like I get a double birthday since I remember it from two different perspectives. Also, I'm attaching a selfie so you can see how my hair looks with the dye.***_ **

*Green's gonna be bummed not to have his watermelon stripes, but your curly hair is looking more like a rose bush. Lol.*

**_***Yeah, you should've seen them bleaching and dying his hair. They really should either find some gem tech that can do it or go to a salon next time because it was a miracle it came out like it did.***_ **

*I could probably help next time. Hopefully between all of us we could figure it out. But, if there's gem tech, that would be better because that's a lot of chemicals going into your scalp on a regular basis.*

**_***The boys think we should go on a date soon. You interested?***_ **

*Just you and me? I'd love to, but not a movie because we wouldn't be able to talk and we have so much catching up to do.*

**_***The undisputed king of romance will get back to you with the details. ;^)***_ **

*That nose is too pointy for you. That's more of a winking Pearl. You'd be ;o)*

**_***Lol, I'll take your notes into account for future emojis. Looks like it's getting close to time for me to unfuse, so I just want to make sure to tell you again that I love you.***_ **

*I love you too, Steven.*

Unfused again and Peridot re-attaching wires, Green was looking at their selfie, "We look so good. It's like you're a god, I'm a mortal and Steven is a demigod. I'm like the costume and he's the only way an Adonis like you can walk amongst the mortals without attracting worshippers."

Pink smiled at the way he could feel that Green was in a good mood and not worrying at all. "Fortunately, it's not the only way for me to be inside you."

"Pink!" Green squeaked while turning that very color. Though, Pink could feel through their link that the portion of Green that wasn't embarrassed was already working to assure that Pink would be getting some action later. 

"You don't need to be embarrassed in front of Peridot, she's practically one of our doctors."

Still blushing, Green carefully moved a hand to reach under Pink's shirt without disturbing any wires, "So that's how you wanna be..." and Green started lightly tracing the facets of Pink's gem with his fingertips. 

Pink shivered. His body was designed to behave like an organic in so many ways, so it didn't surprise Green to feel a change to the lap he was sitting on. He continued to stroke Pink's gem. Pink whispered, "If you're not careful, I'm going to grab some of that petroleum jelly over there and take you right here." As Green glanced to see the jar Peridot used for some of her sensors, Pink could feel clashing between Green's shy and private tendencies and a growing thrill at the prospect of Pink following through. 

"You wouldn't," Green whispered back, hand not stopping and he squirmed slightly on Pink's lap causing Pink to let out a low groan. 

Pink was attempting to calculate how Green might respond if Pink did as he'd 'threatened' and suddenly, "There will be no fornication on my platform!" Peridot yelled. "I've finished my scans and need to go over the data so-" Pink not only didn't need to be told twice, he didn't even wait to be told once to leave as he pulled off the wires and rushed Green back to their bedroom. 

\----------

Laying in bed, exhausted but content, Green was just relaxing and not really thinking about anything... until he could feel Pink once again starting to worry. "Hey," Green propped himself up on an elbow and used his other hand to turn Pink to face him, "Are you thinking about the scan results again?"

Pink reached up a hand to brush back a strand of hair behind Green's ear, "I'm trying not to, but yes."

Green's stomach grumbled, "We know Peridot will tell us what she figures out as soon as she figures it out, so how about we get dressed, get some food in me and then stay home so she'll know for sure where to find us as soon as she needs to."

"Well, I wouldn't want word to get around that I don't keep my humans properly fed, and I did just cause you to burn a lot of calories..."

"So many," Green agreed with a contented smile. "And we did miss lunch, so your human is seriously low on calories right now."

They ate an early dinner and streamed some movies to take their mind off things. They had almost succeeded when Peridot showed up at their door. Her expression wasn't sad or devastated looking, so they were hopeful that, if it was bad news, it wasn't the worst it might've been. 

Pink and Green were seated on the couch, Pearl and Garnet had happened to come home so were standing to listen as well, and Peridot stood in front of them like a professor about to give a lecture. 

"Green is not fully human and Pink is not fully gem, in a manner of speaking."


	20. Learning, Dating, Diving and Crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I changed the title to something more reflecting the contents

"Green is not fully human and Pink is not fully gem, in a manner of speaking."

"What?"

Peridot bristled at the interruption, but continued, "Whether intentionally or inadvertantly, while in your mother's makeshift womb, some hard coded traits were duplicated in both halves. If intentional, I don't know if this was for the sake of compatibility to assure the two halves could fuse, as a precaution to make sure you both were hybrid even if split or just an attempt to make sure as much as possible you were a fully realized and blended hybrid and not just two very different organisms smashed together."

Green, who expected to be confused by anything Peridot was going to say, was listening intently with fascination. Pink was, for once, the one having to intentionally focus, as his tendency toward analysis was causing him to need to fight himself attempting to extrapolate and theorize past what had yet been said. 

"Traits copied from human coding, that were hard coded to gem, have always been active, due to the much more efficient data storage structure in gems. Human DNA is a messier thing and it appears to be putting its own interpretation on the copied gem aspects. It also means they were functioning more in the manner of traits that mostly remain dormant until activated. An example would be like some human aspects that wait for puberty to switch on. Instead of puberty, however, these genes are activated by the external energy flow from Pink."

"I also will have to verify, but I think something similar might've occurred to the structure of Connie's DNA, copying some data points to be incorporated into her DNA."

"Maybe that's why she can now summon Lion," Green suggested. 

"Please, no interruptions while I'm talking! Ahem, but yes, that is likely correct."

"The good news is that any human offspring will likely similarly be encoded with some gem aspects, without having an actual physical gem. But Green's formatting is different than any future descendants he may have, because they would be autonomous. However, because Green was grown linked to an actual gem, he will always need to be linked to Pink due to his method of creation. He will forever be dependent upon his own gem."

 ****I'm definitely fine with that if you are,**** Green thought towards Pink. In response, Green was rewarded with love and happiness vibes coming from Pink. 

"However, this also means that if you were ever kept forcibly separated, by circumstance or intent, Green would weaken and suffer damage to the point of eventual... death if not able to get back in physical contact with Pink within sufficient time. Meanwhile, Pink would find himself with excess energy production, that would need constant draining off to prevent overload."

"Awww... so you wouldn't be just fine without me." Green snuggled more into Pink. 

Pink hugged Green, saying, "Even if what she said wasn't the case, I still couldn't survive without you," and Pink kissed Green. 

"Ahem, not done speaking," Peridot glared at them, but then continued "There is potential for some changes to your link however, as it appears the constant flow of energy from gem to human is stored to some extent, but it will always be limited in distance and time span. This means at least you could be, for example, in different rooms in the same house provided physical contact occurs regularly. But longer time or distance of separation will likely require fusing for some length of time to remedy damage that will occur."

Green was sitting on Pink's lap. He looked at Pink and said, "I'm not in any rush to separate, but it's good to know that maybe we'll be able to work in The Garden together without having to either fuse or be right up against each other every second because I was thinking it would be very tricky and I'd maybe need to sit on your shoulders and direct you like you were my bulldozer type of thing... though it also means we still could do that..." Green blushed as he pictured possibilities. "Would you be my sexy landscaping equipment in addition to being my sexy right hand man?"

Tension Pink didn't even realize he'd been feeling relaxed at the question. "I'll be any sexy thing you want my green bean."

"And as far as bad news, I can definitely live with that... literally, but didn't you say something about damage?

"Yes, cellular degradation in you and energy instability in Pink. Fortunately, this appears to get rebalanced when you fuse, though length of time you'd need to remain fused will likely vary depending on amount of excess separation that occurred. Physical contact is sufficient to rebalance normal separation. Fusing would only be required in the event of extended separation beyond the recommended."

"Well, we should be good then because I never want Pink to be too far from reach," Green declared, kissing Pink again. 

"If you decide you do want the space to work on your garden without needing constant contact, you will have to build up endurance in the method I described previously. And fusing would be required for recovery after each extending of separation."

"Thank you, Peridot."

"I'm leaving now, but you know where to find me if needed."

Green turned to Pink, "I think maybe we could just chill in our room until it's time to sleep, and you should text or call Connie to tell her what we just learned." Pink responded by standing up with Green in his arms and taking them upstairs. Green fell asleep and Pink texted back and forth with Connie and then spent the night awake, watching Green sleep and processing and speculating on all they'd learned that day. 

\------

Our core trio fell into somewhat of a routine where Pink would spend his nights either sharing dream time, with Connie or occasionally both Green and Connie, or he was staying awake and enjoying watching Green sleep. Upon waking either straight to breakfast or some fun time in bed and then breakfast, followed by updates from Bismuth on repairs to The Garden, and then usually lunch with Connie. Afternoons usually involved Pink going along with Green either going to various places to look at things or staying home and researching online things to add to the Garden Binder and all that Green was considering for potential plans. Evenings involved either dates with Connie or just Pink with Green, or chilling on their bed reading, playing video games or watching TV or movies. Then potentially fun time between Green and Pink before the cycle started over again.

Green and Pink fused into Steven and drove to Connie's home. He walked up to the door, intending to ring the bell but Connie had apparently been watching for him because she opened the door as he stepped onto the porch. He began an elegant bow before Connie tackled him. "I'm so happy to see you!"

Laying on the walk with Connie on top of him, Steven blushed, "Well, I guess I won't ask if you've missed me." Connie blushed, too, but still pulled him into a kiss. "Ok, things moving a little quicker than I expected..."

Getting off of him and standing, still blushing, she reached out a hand to him to pull him up, "Sorry, I had not planned to pounce on you, but I didn't realize you were going to look so good."

Standing, Steven chuckled, "Even with a rose bush on my head?"

Connie reached up and threaded her hand into his hair, causing Steven to close his eyes, "I think you are the one man in the... universe, that could pull off such a look so well."

Blushing, Steven tried to get things back on track with his plans, "Might I escort you to your carriage, m'lady?"

In her 'elegant' voice, Connie replied, "Why, thank you good sir," as she took Steven's offered hand and walked with him to the car. He opened the door for her and then went around to get in the driver's seat. 

"Now, there will be several components to this date, so try not to get overwhelmed by the romance too quickly or you might overdose," Steven gave Connie a quick glance to smile at her. "And on the reverse side, this will be my first romantic gesture in awhile, so hopefully I'm not rusty."

Connie placed a hand on his arm, "So basically, I should prepare for the possibility of either being overwhelmed or underwhelmed? Maybe that will balance out to just right." She could feel how nervous he was through the link, so she wanted to take some of the pressure off him.

He chuckled and commented, "I'm aiming to be the goldilocks of dating, I guess. Now, full disclosure, this was a team effort. Green handled something and Pink got to contribute as well so you'll likely be able to tell what was them but the rest was all me."

They stopped short of the beach house. Connie wasn't sure what to expect. Steven came around to her side and opened the door, "M'lady?"

She took Steven's offered hand and exited the car. "Starting where we started," Steven began as he led her beside a familiar rock outcropping. "And also, despite prior events, I promise not to propose." Awkward laugh between them. "The first part of our date might be a little scary to start, but I want you to know I practiced and test ran everything so-"

Connie put a finger on Steven's lips, "If you say it's safe, that's all I need to hear. I trust you."

Steven got a familiar goofy grin that was just a slightly more mature-looking version of the grin she'd see on a younger Steven's face when he was about to do something he was sure would impress her. He formed a bubble around them and lifted it up in the air and swiftly flew them far out over the sea. They stopped to hover and Steven took Connie's hands in his, looking at her with eyes brimming with love and devotion, "Now, I'm not going to break my promise and propose, but I will invite you to take an entirely different kind of plunge with me. I'm going to show you what our previous time underwater in a bubble should've been like if I'd had any idea what I was doing back then. Ready?" He paused to give her time to object if she wanted to.

Connie grinned back at Steven, "Dive, dive, dive and damn the torpedoes!"

With that Steven dropped the bubble into the ocean, sinking down, down, down "One thing that I didn't realize back then was that my bubble isn't just a barrier from external forces and is really a much more inclusive protection. It has a sort of inertia dampening ability as well as self generating breathable air and temperature management. If I'd thought more about it when I was younger, I'd have noticed how when I was floating out in space, I didn't freeze or run out of oxygen like I should have if it really was just a spherical shield." He spoke while they sank deeper and deeper and Connie had already started to marvel at the sights she was already seeing.

"This is incredible," Connie gasped as a blue whale swam near to investigate. Steven halted their descent as the behemoth circled them several times before continuing on its way. 

Steven resumed their sinking and more and more the only illumination was from the glow of his bubble. Finally, they reached the bottom of that area of ocean and Steven decreased the brightness of their bubble. Connie was about to ask him about the counterintuitive action but then saw he formed a dozen or so bubbles breaking off from the main one without affecting its size. He arranged them in a way similar to a still image of an atom and its electrons. Then, those smaller bubbles grew brighter and brighter, lighting the area surrounding their bubble so that she had a wide view. 

All Connie could do is gasp as she watched schools of fish swimming past as well as a large variety of aquatic life both swimming and those that lived on the ground. There was also nearby wreckage of a ship that must have been part of the reason he chose this particular spot. After an unknown length of time watching in awe, Steven spoke, "If you are ready, I'm going to move us closer to the shipwreck." There was no objection from Connie so he moved them right alongside it. Rolling down its length and then he rolled them into a large gap in the hull. Untouched by anything except for nature, there were scattered bits of old cargo, including, "I thought you might be interested in a souvenir." One of the glowing orbs broke from the group to hover above the spilled contents of a chest. Faint glimmers could be seen from the coins scattered there. The orb lowered and enveloped a couple coins and then came towards them, passing easily through their sphere and dropping the coins in Steven's hand. "I thought it would be nice to have a matching pair," as he handed her one of the two identical coins.

Connie examined the coin and marveled at how different it was from any modern coins. Checking the time on his phone, he said, "Is there anything else you might like to have before I begin our ascent?" Connie shook her head, so Steven took them out of the ship and began their steady rise to the surface. Once they breached the surface, Steven flew their bubble back to the same spot of the beach they'd departed from.

Steven led Connie back to that familiar rock outcropping, but now a table with fancy tablecloth was set there. Centered on the table were lit candles. Lit torches were on either side of the table as the only other source of lighting. Steven scooted Connie forward in her chair and then sat down himself. 

There was a bell on the table. Steven rang it, causing Garnet to show up with a tray of food while dressed like a waiter. 

"First coarse, Potato Cream with Caramelized Leek & Saffron," Garnet said as she place the soups in front of each of them. 

Looking at Steven, Connie asked, "Did you cook or is this Pearl further expanding her skill set?" Connie took a sip of the soup, "oh my stars! This is so good!"

"To answer your question, a little bit of both. I chose the recipes and did primary cooking and left it to Pearl to do final touches and prepare the dishes to come out here." He started eating as well. A couple minutes passed as they quietly enjoyed their soup until Steven chuckled. 

"What's funny?"

"I prepared everything for this date except for potential topics to discuss. Since I'm not around very much as me lately, I have only things from Green and Pink's lives to talk about so I think you'll have to lead any conversation."

"Oh, okay. Well first of all, I'm really glad to see you. Um, and it would feel weird to tell you about my life since you know what Green and Pink know already... I see your point." She laughed and then thought a moment, "How about, do you have any plans for yourself as you?"

Steven thought while they finished their soup, then Garnet came and took their bowls while presenting the next coarse. "Butterfly Salad Made from radicchio and cabbage leaves, drizzled with an almond and beetroot mayonnaise and topped with pretty, edible flowers"

Once Garnet went back to the house, Steven spoke, "Well, as far as future plans that are specifically me and not just the details about the rest of this date, I haven't had much time spent thinking on it. But one thing I'm hoping to do is, if Green continues ramping up his exposure therapy to the 'holding a concert level, I'm going to get to perform a song or two." 

"Do you know what song or songs you'd perform?"

"No, because I haven't written them yet," Steven replied with a cheeky grin. 

Garnet removed the salad plates and replaced them with, "Our main coarse of grilled cauliflower with pesto-spiked white bean mash and crispy onions."

Steven said, "I also hope to be me a little more often as Pink and Green get better harmony between each other." 

"How are they doing so far?"

"Well, some things I try not to think about because either I disagree with them or they disagree with each other, but otherwise, we're doing pretty good. In fact, the first part of our date was largely influenced by Pink, I cooked the food and Green was a big part of the final component of our date yet to come. Want to know something weird though?"

"Weird? I can't believe there's any way you could have something weird in your life Mr. 2-in-1."

"Ha, ha, but really, neither Green nor Pink really cares for cooking but I love to cook."

"Really? That is weird. I wonder what other things you like that they don't or do you have anything you hate that they don't hate?"

Looking conflicted, Steven replied, "I try not to hate anyone."

"What about Kevin?"

"Well, all 3 of us agree on hating Kevin. He's such a jerk."

Connie just laughed and continued eating. She tried to think of anything else that they might disagree on... other than talking to the Diamonds, which neither planned to bring up due to risk of Steven unfusing. "Well, you're planning to write a song or two and Green's just been singing other people's songs, so maybe he doesn't like songwriting?"

Looking awkward, Steven pushed his food around for a minute before replying, "He's just a little gun shy since the last song he wrote..."

"Oh?" Connie asked, "What song was that?"

Steven grimaced, before quietly offering, "It was the song... he wrote... for you..." Steven tucked his head down and kept his eyes on his food as he continued to eat. 

"Oh..." Connie breathed, understanding. 

They were quiet as they finished the main coarse. Garnet came out to take their plates and left them with "Vegan Dark Chocolate Mousse"

The silence was broken by Connie, "Mmmmm! This tastes incredible!"

Steven perked up, "You really like it?"

Connie nodded enthusiastically, "It's like I'm eating a piece of heaven!"

Steven sat a little straighter at that point. He had to admit, he was also especially enjoying his dessert as well.

After the last bite was savored, Steven led Connie to the galaxy warp. Knowing Green was involved in this part, combined with the galaxy warp, Connie wasn't surprised to find they arrived at The Garden. What did surprise her, was what had already changed since the last time she'd seen it. 

"As you can see, we got some of Bismuth's friends to help get the pond and garden-circling stream completed. Though we haven't added any plants yet, we haven't turned on the CO2 system, so there is an overabundance of oxygen still, so..." Steven led her to a collapsible basin full of water. "We thought you might enjoy helping us introduce these to their new home."

Connie looked in the water to see a beautiful assortment of, "Koi? They're beautiful. And the water's ready for them?"

Steven nodded, "And Peridot even helped by making a device to automatically dispense food for them." He reached into the water and carefully scooped up a fish in his hands, then took a couple steps to the water, where he knelt down and eased the fish into the water. Watching it swim away. Connie followed suit and one by one, they transferred all the fish to the pond.

Once the last fish was transferred, Steven and Connie sat on the edge of the pond with their bare feet dipped in the water and holding hands. Steven squeezed Connie's hand, "I hope this date was sufficiently enjoyable."

Connie squeezed his hand back, "It's wonderful." She rested her head on his shoulder and they sat watching the fish for awhile before eventually, Steven took Connie home. 

\-----------------

Green was leaning against Pink, watching TubeTube videos while Pink enjoyed an audio book. Green was feeling sad. It was one of those things that happened now and then where he just felt sad and like he might cry and he was trying to suppress the feeling enough to prevent Pink feeling it because if Pink sensed it, "What's wrong?"

Still not facing him, Green asked, "Why do you think something's wrong?"

Pink's finger wiped a tear off Green's cheek, "Perhaps because you're crying."

"How-" Green started to ask how Pink knew when he was facing away but noticed that his tablet had his reflection. With a sigh, Green wiped his face with his hand and said, "I don't know how to answer that question."

"I'd hope with the truth."

"That's the problem. I don't think you'll believe the truth."

"You know I can tell when you're lying, so I can also then tell when it's truth."

"The truth is... I don't know. I sometimes just get this wave of sadness and it just self perpetuates until it either subsides on its own or I cry enough to get it out of my system or I manage to distract myself well enough for it to withdraw until next time."

Pink could feel that Green was holding something back so he pressed further, "And?"

Green set down his tablet and shifted so that he was facing the headboard, leaning his side against Pink, "And I didn't want to bother you with it because I know you'll accommodate me and you deserve to just listen to your audio book and not have to deal with my drama every second."

Pink pulled Green onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him. "I like accommodating you. I like knowing I can make you feel better in any way."

Green teared up, burrowing into Pink's chest, "I wanted to climb onto your lap, burrow into your chest, have your arms wrapped around me and let myself cry until I either feel better or fall asleep."

Pink squeezed Green, kissing the top of his head, "You say that like it's some big ask when it is the easiest thing I could ever do." Another kiss to the top of Green's head, "Cry out all you need to. I'm here for you." And Pink being so sweet and comforting elicited the tears to return and Green just let himself cry himself to sleep in Pink's embrace.


	21. First Therapy After Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green and Pink's first trip back to Dr Hashman's office since getting their own bodies

Twice a week, there were scheduled visits to see Dr Hashman. This particular day was the first scheduled appointment back at the Dr's office. They fused into Steven and drove themselves. 

Arriving at the doctor's office, Steven checked in at the desk and, when called back, Dr Hashman commented, "Steven, you're looking different..."

Steven replied, "You have no idea," and unfused in front of the doctor. 

With widened eyes, the doctor asked, "Will you need a second chair?"

"Not needed," Pink replied as he scooped up Green, sat down and settled Green on his lap. 

"Ok, then," the doctor replied, sitting in his own chair. "It appears you have some recent events to catch me up on." 

"I'm going to assume you can tell that I'm Pink. This handsome gentleman on my lap should look familiar as the one formerly known as Steven, but now that we can form true Steven, he's taken the name Green."

Green commented, "So I went to my original idea of changing my name because Steven really wanted to keep the name and I thought it'd be cool to match Pink and be a color."

Pink then brought the doctor up to date on events. 

"So Green, tell me your thoughts on things."

"Well, Pink being removed really sucked, it was scary and painful, but I'm glad we did because look what I got out of it. It does create a need for lots of communication, though, because we can't break physical contact without negative effects. Discovering I could heal people still kind of blows my mind. My dad looks younger than before I was born and that's been kind of weird to get used to. And he told the whole town and so there's all these people that want me to heal them and I feel guilty that I haven't but I'd also feel guilty if I did and then Pink is stuck having to haul me around while I'm asleep and that's not fair to him." Pink massaged the back of Green's neck. Green paused talking to close his eyes and lean back into the massage, relaxing some tension from his body.

"Why would that leave Pink stuck with you being asleep?"

Green opened his eyes and looked at the doctor, "If I do the kind of healing they want, it seems to mostly knock me out for the day."

"Is it dangerous for you to do, or just extremely tiring?"

Before Green could answer, Pink spoke, "Truthfully, we don't know for sure. It seems to take a lot out of him and we don't fully know what toll it might ultimately be taking on him."

Green went back to talking, "We found out it's only going to take a couple weeks or so to get The Garden's support systems repaired, so I've been filling a binder with ideas. Some stuff, like the pond, is already complete and I'm working on plans for the rest of it for what I'll do once I can start and Pink and I have a couple different options for ways he can help with the work."

"I'm glad to see that your project is bringing you so much enjoyment. Let me check my notes for a moment." The doctor took a look at his notepad, "Now that you are separated, have you managed to improve your sense of who you are?"

Green thought for a moment, "Maybe? I don't know. Maybe even the opposite and that I know myself less because at least before I knew that I was the 100% human part of Steven but now it turns out that isn't even true. But that's more of the what than the who. But it's all kind of linked together and," Green just stared at his hands, "...and I guess my answer is I'm still trying to figure out how to figure it out and hopefully at some point I'll just know?"

"What do you mean about not being 100% human?"

Green replied, "Peridot did some scans and I've got some gem in my DNA and Pink's got some human in his gem. We don't know if it's accidental or if our mom made us that way on purpose."

"Well, let's move on. Do you want to talk about the songs you sang at my first home visit?"

Green leaned his head against Pink, "I don't know what I'm supposed to say about it."

"Why did you pick the specific songs you did?"

Green shrugged, "I'm thinking you are expecting me to be far more introspective than I am. They just sounded like songs I should try."

"But nothing deeper than that?" Dr Hashman asked. 

Trying to be cooperative, Green tried to focus on remembering when he specifically picked those songs, "I was watching music videos on Tubetube and when I heard them, I liked them and of the songs I'd planned to sing for exposure therapy, they seemed the closest to my style and didn't require a band or back up vocals or anything."

Pink said "Green... I can tell you're holding something back still."

Green sighed in irritation. Green was tucked under Pink's chin and staring at his hands in his lap, "When I sang them, it occurred to me that they seemed like maybe... maybe I felt like I'd wrote them... even though I didn't."

The doctor leaned forward, "And what made you feel that way?"

Green was quiet for long enough that Pink almost prodded him, but finally responded in a quieter and resentful voice, "I guess because everything in them felt like it applied to me."

"For example, in the 2nd song, I once gave myself away to gems that were going to take me to what I assumed would be my death. I also think Connie is part of what's kept me alive, I'm a freak and I just feel expectation from everyone about how I should behave during recovery from the whole monster thing that I sometimes just want to say 'whataya want from me?' to everyone."

"Then the first song, the Only Human song... as I grew up, the gems treated me first like barely being a gem at all. And at the same time, Pearl would often talk about how weak and stupid and pathetic humans are. I mean, she wouldn't maybe use those exact words, but it's essentially what her words added up to. And then she'd alternate between ascribing those flaws to me, like as reasons I couldn't go on a particular mission or why she didn't think I was capable of something, and other times like I didn't count as a human so certain things I felt or thought were wrong because they were human things and I'm not human."

Pink was rubbing Green's back to soothe him as well as to encourage him to continue, "Sometimes she'd make me feel like she only saw me as a continuation of my mom and her expecting that the reason I'd feel a certain way was because mom felt the same way or that I should behave and do things like how my mom would. And if I deviated from that, I was wrong or being silly or frivolous and couldn't possibly mean whatever it was I'd said, or meant to do whatever it was that I did."

"And once I finally started to show I could hold my own on missions and I think they were seeing me as being me, it's like they slipped me into mom's spot as leader so they'd be turning to me for what should be done or they'd be stuck with no ideas and I'd have to solve things to get progress going."

"And the part of the song about not being a prophet or messiah... the Diamonds have a whole book and story they tell like I'm, or I guess we now, are some kind of epic force that came and swept through the empire and liberated the galaxy. And that's the most extreme part, but even before then, the gems would look to us for how to go forward, especially whenever things seemed the most hopeless. It's like, despite having lived thousands of years, they'd give up on things so quickly and I'd have to either go alone for a bit or find a way to motivate them or convince them to keep trying things. I think part of my being a pessimist is I used up all my optimism and then poisoned the well." Then Green slumped against Pink, feeling drained. "Is that thorough enough?"

Pink went back to massaging the back of Green's neck. The doctor commented, "You had a lot on your shoulders from a young age. Plus, Pearl's comments about humans were not opinions she should have exposed you to. Has she ever apologized for her views on humanity?"

Green didn't bother to look the doctor's direction, choosing instead to focus on Pink's continued massaging of the back of his neck and shoulders, "Should she have to apologize for what she thinks about humans?"

"She is allowed to have whatever opinions she wants, but when caring for a child, she should've kept those thoughts to herself. It would be the same if you were a mixed race human; she can internally hold whatever prejudices inside herself she wants, but she shouldn't talk down about any races, and especially not the ones that specifically make up the child in her care." The doctor paused a moment to let Green absorb, then asked, "Since Pearl was so forthcoming on her negative views of humans while you grew up, has she been open about any changes to her views as time has passed?"

Green shrugged, "Pink, what do you think?"

"This is your appointment."

"Yeah, but you've got a better memory than me and the only changes I can think of is she doesn't hate dad anymore, she talked to the woman that kind of looked like mom and that Pearl teaches a course on human stuff at Little Homeschool."

"Then that's all that counts," the doctor replied. "Would you want her to talk to you about her current opinion of humanity?"

"Not really."

"Why?"

"Because either it's the same, and I don't need to hear all that again, or if it's improved she's not going to apologize for all the stuff she's said before. It's just a recipe for needless drama."

"You don't think it might help your own view of humanity?"

Tired of fidgeting with his own hands, Green had captured one of Pink's hands to focus his attention on, "My views of humans, as well as my views on specifically my humanity, have already been ingrained in me pretty thoroughly and even if Pearl were to now tell me that she thought humans were the most amazing, greatest and best things in existence, it wouldn't change how I feel about myself."

"And that is?"

Green was comparing his hand size to Pink's when he answered, "I'm garbage."

Pink threaded the fingers of the hand Green was holding with Green's fingers, "You're not garbage."

Still avoiding eye contact with anyone and focusing on his and Pink's hands threaded together, he spoke quieter, "I'm not going to agree with you. I'm not going to change my mind. I know it as truth as much as I know I need oxygen to live."

"Green," Pink released Green's hand so that he could use his own to turn Green's head to face him, "You're not shutting off your feelings, are you?"

Green's eyes glistened with unshed tears as he replied, "No, I'm just not more upset because it's something I've known forever. It's an accepted fact."

Thumb stroking the side of Green's face, both having mostly forgotten the doctor in the room, Pink says, "But it's not fact. It's your mistaken opinion."

Closing his eyes, Green stated, "I don't want to argue with you. And if I tell you I believe you, you'll know I'm lying, so can we just change the subject?"

Pink looked to the doctor, so the doctor asked, "Green, how do you know you're garbage?"

Pink looked shocked, almost taking it as the doctor confirming Green as garbage before he focused back on Green. Meanwhile, Green was also looking surprised, not having expected the doctor to side with him. "What do you mean?"

The doctor elaborated, "You stated that your being garbage is an accepted fact. I'm asking how you came to be aware of this 'fact'."

Green furrowed his brow as he thought about it. "I don't remember. I just know."

"If you don't remember that, do you at least have examples of how it manifests?" Both Pink and the doctor were noticing Green was starting to breath too fast. "Try to slow your breathing."

"C'mon, Green Bean, you need to try to calm yourself before you hyperventilate and pass out."

Green took back Pink's hand and held it in both of his and did his best to focus on it. He gradually managed to slow his breathing somewhat. "I don't want to talk about this. I think our appointment is close enough to being over, so can we go?"

Pink looked toward the doctor and Dr Hashman agreed that it would be best to table things to pick back in a couple days at the 2nd therapy appointment for the week. To get home, Pink dangerously drove with Green on his lap, commenting on this being a reason to not drive themselves to therapy in the future. 

They didn't talk on the drive. Pink tried via the link to gauge what Green was feeling, but was sensing such a jumble, he wasn't sure if Green even knew what he was feeling. 

Green didn't react when they arrived home, Pink just picked up Green and carried him inside and sat on the couch. Pink texted Connie, _*Connie, this is Pink. When you have time, could you come over, please? Green is not handling today's therapy very well and I could use your assistance to help him.*_

Connie replied, *Hey, Pink. Is Green okay? Do you need me to come over now or in about two hours when school let's out?*

_*A couple hours from now should suffice. I'm going to try to get him to eat lunch and then probably sit on our bed to try to get him to take a nap until you've arrived. Love you.*_

*Love you, too. <3*

Green refused to eat and just kept himself tucked into Pink's chest so Pink got them in bed and got Green to lay with his head on Pink's lap while Pink pet his hair.

Pink was still petting Green's head, while Green slept with a slightly furrowed brow, when Connie arrived via Lion. She carefully sat on the end of the bed and quietly asked, "So, what happened?" After Pink relayed events, Connie sat thinking for a minute, "He thinks he's garbage?"

Pink nodded, sad look in his eyes, "He feels it as surely as if it were indisputable fact."

Connie looked at Green's sleeping face, "Part of me is at least proud of him having shared that instead of refusing to talk at all, even if he did then refuse to discuss it further. Baby steps."

"Yeah, baby steps." Pink looked at Connie, "How do we get through to him?"

Connie thought quietly for several minutes, "I think for now, we don't. It sounds like it's so wrapped into his identity that he doesn't know how to consider thinking differently about it. We'll leave that in the hands of professionals like Dr Hashman. What we can help with is thinking of ways to improve his mood when he starts getting down on himself so that he doesn't spiral downward."

"Ok, that should be a manageable goal. We should know him well enough that cheering him up shouldn't be a mystery." Pink thought for a minute, "Are we including sex as an option?"

Connie couldn't stop the giggle at how seriously Pink had said that, then replied, "We can keep that in the short list, but he might not be in the mood for that when he's feeling bad, so we need other options." Connie and Pink thought some more. 

Pink then suggested, "Maybe I could shape shift into something comforting or amusing?"

Before Connie could make any suggestion, "How about Pink could shape shift into a grizzly bear cub?" Green surprised them both by suggesting.

"Green?" Connie asked. 

Green opened his eyes, but didn't move from resting his head on Pink's lap, "Your giggling woke me up, but I really like getting my head pet and didn't want Pink to stop." Green slightly smiled. "The nap helped me reset my mood a bit." He rubbed Pink's leg, "I'm sorry for getting so upset."

"And did you mean the comment about the bear?" asked Pink. 

"I figure there's a limit to how small you can get since your gem doesn't change size. A bear cub is relatively small enough to be cute. A pink bear cub would be adorable, which might help. I thought first teddy bear but a moving teddy bear I think would be creepy, but a bear cub I could see just hugging and you being quiet so I can just zone out and pet a cute fuzzy animal."

"I'm willing to try that the next time you're feeling down."

"That's why you're awesome," Green commented, then looked at Connie, "I hope all our drama hasn't been messing up your schedule."

Connie looked off in a vague direction, sighed and then turned back to her guys, "About that..." her expression grew sheepish, "so, I've been a bit of a hypocrite recently because I haven't told you some things because I was waiting for a lull in all you've been dealing with. I didn't want to take your attention or take focus off getting you better, but... I've been going to therapy, too." Green gasped at the news.

"Yes, I know I didn't say anything sooner and you both get one get out of the doghouse free card for it. I'm actually seeing a different therapist than you, and she's great. She's actually caused me to step back some of the intensity in my schedule. She said keeping busy is fine and so is ambition, but that I should give myself some time to think. She kind of implied that maybe some of my need to keep busy as well as what I think are my career ambitions, are possible carryover from when mom was still putting all that pressure on me and I never stopped to think if it was actually what I wanted instead of what I was expected to want. So I'm taking a step back to ask myself, if I picture myself 5 or 10 years from now living a life that I'm happy in, what do I see?"

There was a moment of silence, but Connie seemed to sense a question unspoken, "And yes, you're both in it. But when I think of my career or how I spend my days outside of just being with you, I don't see myself running for office or schmoozing with people at campaign events. I picture myself being able to come home to you two sexy gentlemen with tales of how I'd helped people that day. I don't have an exact form that will take yet, but I've come up with some ideas with potential like defense attorney, cop, hostage negotiator, fire fighter, political activist, and things like that."

"I could see you doing any of those things and being awesome at it," Pink nodded agreement as Green continued, "And I'm so proud of you being willing to make such a drastic change and I'm sorry you felt you had to keep quiet about it."

Connie leaned over and gave each of them a kiss, "And that's why you get the 'Get out of the doghouse' card because you know how I've been when you do the same."

"I don't suppose you'll give us a real actual card, right? Because I'd love to be able to kind of fling it in your direction when I need to use it because you are absolutely terrifying when you are angry."

"Terrifying?" Connie asked with a smirk, "Are you sure that's the right word to use? I'm kind of getting a weird feeling like the thought is sort of turning you on right now."

"What? That's silly," he tried, but his blush betrayed him.

Connie leaned toward Green, "I think you want me to boss you around, no," she was carefully watching his expressions while also tuning into their link, "it's not exactly bossing you around, I think it's being completely at my mercy! Don't you?"

Blushing furiously, he blurted out, "I don't know why, but it seems so sexy to me."

Pink wondered if they'd just unleashed some latent dominatrix tendency in her, though that works out as Green appears to have some sort of submissive desire that compliments it. He theorized to himself that Steven having to take up leadership so young and carry so much responsibility could be the reason Green might enjoy the occasional abdication of the burden of being in charge. As for Connie, Pink would need to think more about what might be involved in her interest. 

Connie had a wicked look in her eyes, "During the time it takes to get older to pursue these sorts of things, I think I might make it something to learn more about during my new free time."

Nothing was said, but they could all feel how very much Green was on board with that idea.


	22. Day Between 1st & 2nd Therapy of the Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shape-shifting and Button Pressing

Laying in bed the next morning, Pink awoke to find Green smiling at him mischievously. "What?" Pink asked, not sure how to take the humor he was sensing. 

"I was thinking about the idea for if I'm sad. Can you turn into a bear cub?"

"Are you asking if I have the ability or requesting I perform the action?"

"Yes," Green replied, then decided to elaborate, "I want to see an adorable pink bear cub, please."

Remembering what a bear cub looks like, Pink focused and shifted down until a pink bear cub, with a jewel on its belly, was on the bed beside Green. 

Green couldn't stop the "Squeee!" that escaped him at how cute Pink was. He'd been holding a hand that turned into a tiny paw, but now scooped up the cub into his arms and hugged him. "Oh my stars, Pink! You are so adorable that I don't even know if I can stand it!" He held the cub arms length away to look at him some more, "I don't even know how I'd be able to stay anything but happy with you looking like this." Green kissed the cub's snout, "You know how much I love you and how much I love your sexy body, but just stay like this for a little bit. Let me carry you down the stairs for once and you can sit on my lap while we have breakfast and I just can't believe how insanely adorable you are."

Pink was pleased at how much joy this was bringing Green, and it added new idea paths he planned to think about later to add to his list of ways to make Green happy. True to the plan, Green came down the stairs carrying Pink. 

"Hey, Pearl, look how adorable Pink can be!" 

As he sat on a stool, keeping Pink on his lap, Pearl pet Pink's head and commented, "He is rather cute. Very impressive shape shifting, Pink."

With Pink the bear cub on his lap, Green was eating with one hand while continually petting Pink with the other. And every now and then making a squee sound at "eating with those tiny paws!" When finishing up breakfast, Green asked, "Would you be able and willing to hold that form another couple hours?" At a nod from the bear cub, "I want to walk the boardwalk and show everyone how cute you are, okay?" Another nod of agreement from Pink. 

\--------

Walking down the boardwalk, everyone they encountered ooohed and aaahed and just had to pet Pink and, though Pink was indifferent to that aspect, he was loving how animated, confident and happy Green was feeling. Several times, groups of 5 or more people surrounded them and Green only experienced mild discomfort. 

They walked along the boardwalk, then around Funland and Green debated going into Little Homeworld, but decided against it because gems wouldn't be as likely to be impressed with how adorable Pink was. Answering his phone, Green talked to Pearl who wanted to verify if they'd be back in time for lunch in 10 minutes he said they would. He hung up and said to Pink, "Okay, I want my big sexy man back." Pink shifted back to his normal appearance. "There's my sexy hunk of burning love." He reached up to pull Pink into a kiss, "Thank you for humoring me. I'm so lucky to be with the sweetest, kindest and most considerate man in the universe." Another kiss and then, "So do you think you can get us home in five minutes?" Pink could and did. 

\------

After lunch they chilled on the couch, watching some cooking show. The background accumulation of stress from social interactions had tired Green somewhat so he was just aiming for a chill and relaxing day. He was laying on his side, with his head using Pink's lap for a pillow, and just watching TV while Pink absently pet Green's head and down his back. If Green could've purred, he would have at feeling the relaxing trail of Pink's fingers down his spine. Pink could feel that Green was the most relaxed and content he'd been in ages except for right after orgasm.

"I wonder where you can buy those tiny torches," Green commented as the guy on the TV finished using said torch to brown the top of a dish. 

"Probably at a chef supply place."

"I want to get one of those if we're ever near somewhere that sells them."

Pearl and Bismuth returned home from teaching a class. "How's your day going?" Pearl asks. 

"I feel like we should be asking you that. You two seem especially chipper."

"It was a fun class," Bismuth replied, "I wanted to ask if you two would mind if I took Pearl with me to The Garden to show her some of the systems there."

"I don't mind," responded Green and Pink just gave a thumbs up. 

"Oh, and did you notice I finished the alternate stairs so we don't need to go through your room any more?" Bismuth asked. 

"Pink and I both appreciate that. Thank you."

"Will you be okay to handle dinner on your own today?"

"I'm confident we'll manage."

After Pearl and Bismuth left, the boys kept watching TV and eventually had a pizza delivered. They sat on the couch with Green sitting at one end of the couch with his feet up against the side of Pink's leg. 

While eating, Green had a thought, "Even though I'm not eager to be away from you," hearing those words already had Pink tensing, "and for the record I am not, but I probably should work towards us being able to have at least a minute apart. If for no other reason than to make the price of any accidental brief disconnect not so high a cost. I really hate how it feels to be apart from you, and I'm not eager to do it on purpose, but it would be nice to not have the raging fear at the back of my mind every time we're doing things as simple as shifting how we're sat on a couch."

Pink was surprised, "You know I won't let it happen."

"I know and I don't like for you to have to be so hyper vigilant all the time. And the fear isn't any sort of doubt of you, but we don't have future vision and Peridot almost caused us separation just dragging me one room over."

"I wasn't sure if you'd noticed that."

"If you're descending in a parachute, you notice if one of the straps holding you to it starts to loosen. I just want to regain a slight bit of normal movement so that it's not like we're walking a tightrope or along the edge of a blade. I think that would be helpful for both our long term mental health."

Pink was quiet a moment. "And this isn't because-"

"It has nothing to do with yesterday. It's like that stupid write your dreams thing but in reverse because right now I live with the fear of separation every day but big unpleasantness now could remove that." 

"We never really followed up on that, but it doesn't seem we needed to now that you're not having nightmares any more."

Green remained quiet and ate his pizza. 

"You're not still having nightmares... are you?"

Green took a big bite of pizza, slowly chewing and not making eye contact.

"Green?"

Green swallowed and offered, "I haven't had the White Diamond dream."

Pink was getting irritated at Green's avoidance tactics, "You know I'm aware of all your tricks and loopholes, right?"

Green scowled, looking at his food instead of Pink and said, "I still have nightmares," without elaboration and following with another big bite of pizza. 

Pink was also silent as he automatically shuffled a few things in his mind and reviewed memories from an altered angle. Then he looked at Green again. 

Pink knew Green was avoiding eye contact, but also knew Green could feel Pink's eyes boring a hole into his skull and that eventually, Green wouldn't be able to take it any more, "I didn't want to do the stupid dream writing thing, okay?" No answer from Pink as he continued the laser beam stare. Green was visibly sweating as he tried to continue nonchalantly eating pizza until he broke, like Pink knew he eventually would, and Green mumbled, "And I didn't want to affect your Connie time."

Pink granted Green a reprieve from The Stare while he processed. "How did you keep this from me?" Pink didn't expect an answer, so he wasn't surprised he could feel vibes from Green that essentially said 'I'm not giving up my tricks that still work.'

Green went back to eating pizza and ignoring Pink while he started 'casually' alternating lifting and returning one foot at a time against Pink's leg. Pink was pretty sure he was attempting to cause a distraction due to the possibility that he'd remove both feet and therefore break contact. If he were asked, Pink would admit that he was finding it stressful. One of the down sides of knowing each other so well is they both knew how to press each others' buttons.

Pink sighed, "So, you'd prefer to face your nightmares without me?" Green's foot movements faltered before persistently continuing, albeit more diligently until Green seemed to tire of the new level of effort it was requiring. 

Green set down his current slice, wiped his hands on a napkin and reached out to Pink, who reached and took his hand, holding it while Green removed both feet from touching his leg so that he could crawl forward to climb onto Pink's lap. After Pink returned Green's hand, he put his arms around him and waited. Green placed a hand on Pink's chest, moving it in a little circle like he was trying to soothe him. Pink's patience paid off when Green finally spoke quietly, "Connie deserves time with you. Especially one on one time."

"You don't get that, though," Pink replied, "not with Connie."

"But that doesn't matter, you're the most awesome people and you should get special awesome people time with each other."

"You're equally awesome, Green." 

Green thought for a moment, "Maybe I could heal people and then I'd be asleep and you could have time alone with her then."

Pink cupped Green's cheek and directed his face to make eye contact. "Stop worrying about this. If you need my help to deal with nightmares, I want to help you."

Green tried to blink away the tears. He felt torn by the conflict between what he wanted and what he felt he deserved. "I don't... I... I can deal with the nightmares alone. It's ok... you don't have to help..."

Pink pulled Green's head close, kissing his forehead, then making eye contact again, "Green..."

"I don't want to be selfish," Green closed his eyes, and Pink pulled him into a hug and sighed, stroking his back. 

"Sometimes you are extremely frustrating," Pink continued to stroke Green's back and Green didn't respond so Pink continued, "We have our entire lives to spend time with each other, and I'd prefer if that time isn't riddled with you having nightmares."

"They're not every night, and I don't know in advance if I'm going to have one, so there's no way for you to plan around them."

"How about I still share dreams with Connie, but I'll increase my level of external awareness so that I'll know if you shake me and that's how you can alert me if you wake from a nightmare and then I'll wake to comfort you?"

"I suppose I could consider doing that..."

"Or, I can just stay awake every night in case you need me."

Defeated sigh, then "I'll shake you if I wake up from a nightmare."

"And on the nights I normally stay awake, you won't hide your nightmares from me so I can wake you and comfort you if you have one." They'd found that, now they were separated, Pink couldn't enter Green's dreams with their power except by using the power to go into Connie's dreams and then use her link for him and Connie to go into Green's dreams. It was rather inefficient and would usually require planning in advance. 

You would think Green was agreeing to have something horrible done to him by the tone of his "Fine." 

Pink could feel Green's irritation with him, but wasn't bothered. In some ways it was a bit of a return to their relationship when they were still combined. Maybe the honeymoon phase was over. "You know, since you're being such a good Green bean and cooperating, I could reward you upstairs, in our room... and do that thing you really like..."

Green's response was an immediate improvement in mood and feeling cooperative, and as Pink got them upstairs, he decided maybe the honeymoon phase didn't have to end.


	23. 2nd Therapy of the Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second therapy appointment of the first week of therapy since separating.

Greg drove them to their second therapy of the week, and Pink and Green didn't bother fusing. Green had been stressing about the upcoming appointment since waking up that morning. Once sat in the office, Green immediately took Pink's hand hostage to fidget with.

Noting Green's unease, the doctor asked, "How is The Garden progressing?"

Green paused his fidgeting, but remained with his eyes focused on Pink's hand, "Bismuth is making steady progress and has fixed several weakened sections of the dome that we are fortunate hadn't failed entirely yet. I continue to sketch out ideas in my binder. I'm primarily focusing on the remaining water aspects to get their placement ironed out so that Bismuth can coordinate with Lapis on eventually getting her fountain installed once she finishes it. Also, so Bismuth can start bathroom construction." Even nervous, Green couldn't help relaxing to a degree when talking about his project. 

"I'm so glad your project is going so well," the doctor leaned back in his chair, "So, have you thought about what indicators lead you to believe you're garbage?"

On one hand, Green was glad he'd asked so at least the question wouldn't be hovering unspoken in the background. On the other hand, "I've tried not to think about it."

The doctor wasn't surprised at the response. It truly would have surprised him if Green had any other answer. "Well, then it's good you didn't waste any time because we're not going to be talking about it today, so I'm not expecting an answer." Pink looked at the doctor, surprised, but was willing to trust the doctor knew what he was doing. "What I'd like to focus on today is if you have made any progress on your nightmares."

Green looked at the doctor in surprise, "Nightmares?"

"I'm assuming you're still having nightmares, or have they stopped?" The doctor asked, sounding doubtful. 

With a guilty look, Green replied quietly, "I'm still having nightmares," and focused back on Pink's hand. 

"Is there something I'm missing?"

Green slouched down a bit more and Pink responded, "I only found out yesterday that Green was still having nightmares. He was hiding that from me." There was an undertone of accusation in his voice. 

"Ah," the doctor replied. "And why was that?"

Pink looked at Green and prompted, "Go ahead and tell him, Green."

Looking a bit disgruntled mixed with guilt, Green looked at the doctor, "Pink spends time with Connie in her dreams and I didn't want to take away their one on one time with him."

"I see, and what was your response to this, Pink?"

"We agreed to a compromise. I will still spend some nights sharing dreams with Connie, but Green is to shake me awake if he has a nightmare and on the nights I don't sleep, Green's not going to hide his nightmares from me so that I can wake and comfort him."

"It's good that you've been able to successfully come to an agreement. Perhaps Green could talk about the most recent nightmare he's had and if he knows what might've triggered it?"

Green, looking grumpy, said "How about we pick a different topic?"

Pink looked at Green suspiciously, "Did you have a nightmare last night?"

Offended, "No, I would've told you like I promised."

"Then why won't you tell us?"

Looking down at Pink's hand held in his own hands, Green admitted, "I had a nightmare the night before... and it was a new one..."

"A new one?" Pink knew that Green hadn't had any new nightmares added to the rotation since right after they'd turned into a monster. He tried to think what might've triggered it.

"Yeah... and I'd prefer if we don't talk about it."

The doctor softly spoke, "You know that's not how this works."

Green sighed, "I know..." staring at Pink's hand and absent-mindedly massaging it, "It's just that... in the dream... the bad guy... was... Pink."

Pink was shocked, "Me?"

Green had sort of curled down into himself. He didn't answer except to nod. 

The doctor interjected, "And could you tell us about it, please?"

Head still tilted down, "You abandoned me." Green took a deep breath. "You told me you were sick of how pathetic I am and you... you floated away to where I couldn't reach you."

Pink squeezed Green close, "You know I'd never do that, right?"

Green gave no indication of whether or not he heard, continuing, "I was surrounded by all these... I don't know what they were. It was like a swarm and they closed in on me and you were just a dot in the distance... and the swarm all took pieces of me, tearing me apart until there was nothing left."

Green was shivering. Pink continued to hold Green close, rubbing his back in an effort to soothe him, "It was just a dream. I'll never leave you."

"Do you know what might have triggered it?" Dr Hashman asked 

Green shook his head, focusing on pushing the memory back and down into the recesses of his mind.

"I might have an idea," offered Pink before updating the doctor on the latest scan results. 

"I see..." the doctor thought for a minute, "I could theorize that perhaps confirmation of how dependent you really are on Pink, led to the fear of anything disrupting your connection."

Pink continued to rub Green's back, "I would never abandon you."

Green just kept quiet. The doctor asked, "Green, are you worried Pink might abandon you?"

Green was tucked under Pink's chin and burrowed into his chest. He was still holding one of Pink's hands. "Not soon."

Pink squeezed Green's hands with the hand they were holding, "You think it's just a matter of time?"

Green nodded, "You're too good for me."

"Should I try to be worse?"

"No. I don't want you to lessen your awesome just to match me."

"Then what can I do to convince you I won't leave you?"

"I don't know."

"Perhaps you can help by continuing to help work on his self esteem and helping him to accept that he's equally awesome to you," suggested the doctor. 

"I'm not feeling this way on purpose. I'm sorry." Tears started leaking from Green's eyes. 

Rubbing Green's back, Pink replied, "I know."

The doctor spoke, "What you need to focus on is reminding yourself that, though you feel this way, it doesn't affect your worth. When you feel yourself thinking negative things about yourself, counter them with focusing on remembering qualities you like about yourself and if you can't think of any in the moment, just remember any time you've ever felt proud of yourself, no matter how brief it might have been. Another option is to do the technique from our very first appointment for panic attacks. It might help break the train of thought that is making you worry. For most people, I might recommend a focus object but, since you literally can't ever forget to have Pink with you, something like holding his hand and focusing on that, like I've seen you do before, is another option that you have."

The doctor stood, "Well, that seems to be our time for the day," Pink and Green stood and walked out of the office with the doctor, "I'll see you both next week."


	24. Use the Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing the same day as the previous chapter

After arriving back home from the week's 2nd therapy session, they watched a couple movies that Green had been wanting to see and that had just become available to stream. One of the movies was the end of a several movie arc and included deaths and goodbyes and by the time they were halfway through, Green was already in danger of dehydration from the steady flow of tears.

"I don't like how sad this movie is making you. We should shut it off."

Holding the remote close, to prevent Pink the temptation to do just that, Green replied, "I know it's making me sad, but I need closure, so we're seeing it through... I just hope they're done killing people off..."

Pink just rubbed Green's back soothingly while they finished the movie and then continued to hold and soothe him afterwards. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

"When I saw the first movie, I didn't know it would be this big multi movie arc or that they'd kill off so many characters." Wiping his eyes, Green added, "Though it does make me hesitant to watch any new movies ever again."

Sitting there a moment, snuggled up to Pink and listening to his heartbeat, Green said, "I remember at some point reading something that mentioned putting a clock by a dog's crate because the steady ticking would remind the puppy of his mom's heartbeat and soothe him. I think that's kind of what your heartbeat does; it just makes me feel so safe and able to relax more."

Pink didn't need to reply because Green could feel how pleased Pink was to hear that. "Oh, and I just remembered something I wanted to ask you. Do you want your own phone?"

Pink was surprised at the question, "Why?"

"I just thought you might like the ability to have texts and calls going directly to you instead of having to share."

"Do you want separate phones?"

"I'm fine either way, and even if you get your own, I figure we could still have my phone be for when someone wants to reach both of us. But I thought after sharing a body and only being able to communicate through me, that the shared phone is kinda like a continuation of that and maybe you'd want a separate phone to go with your separate body. Plus it would allow you private text conversations in case you don't want or need me to be in the loop about something. You know, like how you and Connie like to conspire with each other or to coordinate dream appointments."

"Hmmm..." Pink thought about it. It would mean that if Pink and Connie ever wanted to surprise Green, they could plan without him being able to see the messages. "That's not a bad idea. It would also be a useful redundancy in case one of the phones malfunction or has a battery run low." They added getting Pink his own phone to their next shopping list.

"Let's see if Greatest Showman is available for streaming."

Pink chuckled, "I knew your 'hesitant to watch new movies' thing wouldn't last, but I didn't think it'd be shorter than an hour."

Finding it and starting the movie, Green replied, "It's a musical and it shouldn't be sad... I hope. The previews seemed like it had some really good songs in it."

They had a date with Connie scheduled for the evening. Connie had planned the date. The only thing the boys knew was to be ready by 6PM and that Lion would be coming to fetch them at that time. 

Dressed and ready, they got on Lion and were brought to a verdant area where Connie was waiting. As Pink and Green got off Lion, Connie asked, "What do you think?"

Green looked around, "Are we in a garden?"

"Better, this is a botanical gardens. It's after hours, so we have the run of the place, but if security shows up, we'll have to run." 

"Oh, no, we might've been a bad influence on you," Green commented. 

"We're not going to do any damage, and I'm going to leave behind money for three tickets, but I know you still aren't ready for crowds. Also..." she gestured behind them, "I thought you might especially appreciate that."

They turned in the direction she pointed and Green gasped as he saw a large geodesic-dome. 

Connie cheerfully supplied, "This place is in middle America and is known for having several different gardens, especially that geodesic-dome, which contains a rainforest climate and includes appropriate plants and even fish." Beaming, Connie said, "I thought you might find some inspiration here."

Green hugged Connie, "This is so cool!" They then spent hours walking with Pink holding Green's and Connie's hands and exploring before going to their respective homes. 

\------------

They'd only been home less than an hour when Connie showed up with Lion in their living room. "Missed us already?" Green started to tease until feeling a weird vibe coming from Connie.

Getting off Lion, Connie said, "Something happened when I got home." She came over and hugged them, saying, "I wanted to make sure I wasn't losing my mind."

Pink and Green pulled Connie to sit with them on the couch, Pink asking, "What happened?"

Connie chewed her lip for a moment and looked conflicted, "...maybe I imagined it, but there was a broken glass on the ground. I'm not sure how I did it if I did anything.... When I arrived home, well you can see I changed into pajamas and then I poured myself a glass of water and turned on the news to wait for mom to get off shift. When I reached for the glass of water, I wasn't looking and my hand accidentally bumped it and knocked it off the side table but then it was in my hand and I don't know how. I thought maybe I'm just tired and just didn't remember catching the glass before it completely fell, so I purposefully set the glass on the coffee table so that it was out of reach and wouldn't get knocked if I started to doze off. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and went back to watching TV and then I got thirsty. I didn't want to leave my warm blanket cocoon so I just kind of glared at the water for being out of reach and... the glass slid across the coffee table and hit the wall under the TV and shattered."

Green's eyes were wide, "You've got Jedi powers?" He'd finally gotten himself past flinching every time at the word 'shattered'.

"I don't know, maybe?" Connie replied, unsure. 

Ever the logical one, holding the TV remote, Pink suggested, "Well, try moving the TV remote. See if you can pull it to yourself."

"I don't know how..." Connie was frustrated. 

Green then suggested, "Remember when we bring out our shield as Stevonnie?" Connie nodded, "We feel a need to protect. Let's not risk the TV remote being damaged, so instead," Green looked around, "imagine the baseball on the shelf is a bomb and Pink and I will be hurt if it explodes, so you have to pull the ball to you so that you can get rid of it and save our lives."

Connie stood and moved several steps away, then looked at the ball. She thought about calling their shield as Stevonnie and protecting the ones she loves and telling herself the ball was dangerous and she had to get it to save them. Trying to work herself up into feeling like it was urgent and she had to get the ball away from them and reaching her hand out and telling herself she needed that ball now! Nothing happened and she was getting so irritated at not being able to replicate what had just happened at home. And suddenly... the ball rolled off the shelf, bouncing off Green's head, "Ow!"

"I'm so sorry!" Connie ran to them, but stopped short with a realization, "Did I do that?"

Pink kissed the top of Green's head, "That better?" At Green's nod, Pink turned to Connie, "Well, we were being completely still, so I don't think we jostled it loose. If it wasn't you it was an amazing coincidence. Now that it's on the floor, maybe you can get it to roll to you."

After bouncing off Green's head, the ball had rolled toward the warp pad. Connie stared at the ball. Imagining she was starving and it was an apple she needed, Connie tried to focus. Nothing happened. Stupid ball, Connie thought, irritated, and the ball started to roll towards her. She smiled that it was working and the ball stopped. Irritation flared again at her lack of clarity on what was working, and the ball started rolling to her again. Irritation? That's the key? That's so stupid. The ball continued to roll. I don't even want the stupid ball anymore. The ball stopped and began rolling in the opposite direction.

Pink had been watching while attentively tracking what she felt via the link, "I think you have to feel irritated that you don't have the item to pull it to you and be angry to push it away. But try other emotions to see if you can get it to react more strongly than a slow roll."

Connie tried different scenarios in her head to try to invoke a variety of emotions and discovered that she could do more than just pull towards her or push away. She could also lift the ball straight up.

"We knew Connie was dangerous before but now she's on her way to force-choking powers!" Green said enthusiastically. 

Pink commented, "It doesn't appear that you brought your phone with you. Did you leave a note for your mother?"

The ball fell to the ground as Connie gasped, "I better get home right away!" She rushed to give 'her boys' a quick peck each, and then fortunately Lion had still been hanging out, so she jumped on his back and ported away.

Green looked at Pink, "Well, this has been a long day. Bathroom then bed?"

\--------

Laying in bed, Green was snuggled up to Pink and lazily running his hand back and forth on Pink's chest. "Is it bad that I'm kind of jealous of Connie right now?"

"You could still end up manifesting the ability as well. How would you plan to use it. Force chokes?" Pink asked in a humorous tone. 

"No... hmmm... well not 100% no, but mostly I was thinking about how handy it would be if we could pull stuff closer when we needed it instead of needing to coordinate for us both to get up to go get it." A mischievous smile as a thought occurred to him, "Also, possible prank potential if we didn't let anyone know we could do that."

Pink chuckled as he imagined slightly moving stuff when Pearl wasn't looking and how it would mess with her head. "Yeah, I can see that."

Green continued, "Not that I don't appreciate the ability to heal, it's just not really a day to day kind of need. But it does make me wonder if I could have other abilities I don't know about because I haven't tried."

"Do you want to try now?"

"Truthfully, I've already kind of been trying to move that book over there."

Pink looked over at the stationary book, "I'm guessing no force powers."

Sighing, Green replied, "That seems to be the case. I wonder what else I could try."

Pink rolled Green onto his back and grinned over him, "I think your horny rays powers have activated."

Green smiled, "I will try to use my new power as excessively as possible."

\------

That night, Green found himself alone in a dark forest at night. He had an uneasy feeling he couldn't fully identify. Something crunched under his foot. Broken glass. He's not sure why that's caused his heart to start racing. I mean, yeah, he's very much against littering, but that should make him irritated or angry, not scared. He's not even sure where he's trying to get to as he continues walking. He tries to keep his eyes on the ground to avoid the increasing amount of glass scattered until eventually there were no clear spots to walk. The ground shimmered from the bits of moonlight filtering through the trees. He continued crunching glass with his every step until the ground sparkled like it was covered in a layer of snow. He heard sounds coming from just out of sight and tried to walk in the opposite direction. The sound was coming closer so he started to run until getting to a place where he stopped in shock. The surrounding trees were now all made of glass. He looked back in the direction he had just come from, but couldn't see any normal trees any more. The sound was coming closer. It'd gotten clearer that it sounded like bits of glass bumping into each other, similar to a wind chime. He turned to continue running, but ended up falling backwards as he came face to face with a Ronaldo entirely turned into glass. Green scrambled to his feet, cutting up his hands on the broken shards all around, but he wasn't fast enough as the glass ghost reached her hand out towards him. 

Gasping, he woke up and sees Pink asleep. Keeping his promise, he shakes him awake, while sat up and fighting to catch his breath. Pink opened his eyes and immediately sat up and wrapped his arms around a shivering Green. Pink crossed his legs and pulled Green onto his lap, wrapping the blanket around him and rubbing his back as he held him close. Green managed to get out, "Glass ghost," before focusing on Pink's heartbeat as he leaned into Pink's chest.

"You're safe now. I've got you."

Still shivering, "There was so much broken glass on the ground, it looked like snow. My hands got all cut up when I fell and the only color was my blood dripping from my hands." Green looked at his intact hands, flexing them as though to verify their condition. "And the trees were glass and Ronaldo was glass and then the ghost was so close that she might've managed to touch me right when I woke up. Why does my brain hate me so much?"

Pink took both of Green's hands, that Green had still been staring at, in one of his own and brought them to his lips, kissing them even though they weren't injured. "Your brain doesn't hate you," Pink replied soothingly, "It's just trying to deal with the trauma the only way it knows how. Do you know if anything might've triggered it."

Green shook his head, "No idea. It just came out of nowhere."

"Well, you're safe now. I won't let anything hurt you, so try to get some more sleep." 

There was a gradual relaxing of Green's body as he was soothed by Pink humming a calming tune and listening to his steady heart beat.


	25. Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green and Pink try a separation and Steven gets some time.

At breakfast, Green brought up a previous conversation, "We never decided on whether or not you were going to agree to my idea about building up to at least a 30 to 60 second separation buffer."

Pink watched Green as he ate his oatmeal, "I'm not eager for it, but if you have your mind set on it, I'll go along with it."

Looking down at his oatmeal, "Maybe I should stop eating. Don't want to end up throwing up." He pushed the bowl away and rotated on his stool to face Pink, their legs still in contact. "She said we'd have to fuse after each attempt. Maybe we could separate, then fuse, then unfuse and separate again until it seems like we need to stay fused much longer and then let Steven have the day?"

Pink could feel that Green was trying to project confidence, but could also sense he was feeling similar to someone standing on the ledge of a high building. Pink didn't want to make the experience any worse than it had to be, so said, "That sounds like a good plan. How about we move to the couch so you can be seated." Green nodded and they walked hand in hand to the couch, sitting a hands width apart with only held hands for contact. "Since we know the link will still work, you tell me when you want to reconnect, okay?"

Green nodded, taking a deep breath and staring at their hands. Pink kept his mouth closed on a comment about not having to do this. Green took a deep breath and let go, keeping his eyes aimed at Pink's hand. Several seconds passed before his sight started to cloud over and the unfortunately familiar pain overcame him. He decided to try to breathe, in case last time he'd just waited too long. It was hard to discern with the much stronger feeling of the pain over top it, but Green thought he detected a slight movement in his lungs. He tried to focus on it to the exclusion of everything else. 

Little by little, he coaxed his lungs to push out and then back in the tiniest bit of air. He knew it was likely much too little air to sustain himself, but was encouraged by the potential that practice might eventually improve it. He had no concept of time and just determined to hold out until he absolutely couldn't bear it. The slight lung movement helped him stave off the feeling of suffocation panic, but not the overall roar of dying cells growing louder and louder, nor the sensation of spikes penetrating his skull. 

_*It's been 40 seconds. Ready to stop yet?*_

Green wondered how it seemed time was so different when he was like this, like he was falling in slow motion. He knew he should answer Pink's question but realized he hadn't noticed the gray haze of "sight" had grown black around the edges. He'd been so focused on his lungs that the blackness had nearly sealed in. ****Maybe could... try... for...**** and suddenly-

Steven tried to blink his eyesight back in focus, dark spots floated and covered most of the world. Several deep slow breaths with eyes closed and then another try at seeing his surroundings. 

"What are you doing?" Steven didn't know when the hand had been placed on his shoulder, but only became aware of it when Amethyst's voice reached him. 

His hand shot out to grasp her shoulder in response while he focused on catching his breath. After a minute, he gasped out, "I'm being reckless." He looked at Amethyst, pleased to at least find her mostly visible to him. Seeing the concern on her face, he elaborated, "Green's trying to build up to a minute of safe separation, but he's trying to do too much too fast." Steven's head was throbbing, "I'm making an executive decision that they're done practicing for today." He smiled at Amethyst to allay her remaining worry. "Got any plans I could jump in on?"

"I've got nothing. I was just gonna order a pizza and play some video games."

"Well, mind if I join you?"

Amethyst's face lit up, "Sure, it's been forever since we've hung out!"

Once they were settled in with pizza and greasy fingers holding game controllers, Amethyst commented, "So, will I start seeing you around more?"

"Maybe," Steven shrugged. "I think Green doesn't like having to behave and when he's fused with Pink he can't get away with anything."

"Behave? Like what?"

"Yeah, we're not going to get into the details if you want me to be able to hold myself together. Needless to say, I'm not making many plans and just playing it by ear. Did you hear Connie can move stuff with her mind now?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, so we gotta make sure to keep her in a good mood so she doesn't get tempted to go Vader." Steven chuckled. 

Amethyst lightly smacked Steven's arm, "You know Connie's too noble and goody two shoes to go to the Dark Side."

Steven got a silly grin and said, "Well, you never know. Stranger things have happened."

"Okay, I'll give ya that," Amethyst laughed. 

"Oh," Steven set down the controller, "I don't want to forget to text Connie. Maybe she'll even want to hang out later today."

**_***Connie, this is Steven. It's a nice day and I was wondering if you'd be interested in coming over for a swim and then maybe hang out and stream a movie or two?***_ **

*I'll be over in ten minutes. Love Connie*

"Whoa," said Amethyst, looking over Steven's shoulder, "she's eager, isn't she?"

Steven gave Amethyst an apologetic look, "I wasn't expecting her to come over so quick. Should I tell her to wait so we can finish hanging out?"

Amethyst gave Steven a friendly punch in the arm, "Are you nuts?! You get so little time with her as you so get yo woman, dude!" Laughing affectionately. 

With the briefest of conflicted paused, Steven then grinned at Amethyst and said, "I gotta remember where I put my swimsuit," then jumped up panicked while Amethyst continued to laugh. 

Meeting Connie in front of the beach house, Steven did his best to keep his eyes on Connie's face but Connie did not return the favor. She ate him up with her eyes, slowly traveling head to toe and back. Steven shivered under the intensity. Then Connie leapt at Steven, trusting him to catch her and then Steven spun her around a moment and couldn't stop himself immediately kissing her. Connie rewarded the kiss by wrapping her arms and legs around Steven to cling to him while passionately returning the kiss. Eventually, Steven had to break it off before risking embarrassing himself in his swim trunks. 

Still clinging to Steven, Connie looked up into Steven's flushed face, with a matching color accenting her own and said, "I'm so happy to see you!"

Steven nervously chuckled and replied, "I was getting that message, yes." He took a breath and then asked, "Now, are you here to swim or did i waste my time finding my trunks?"

With one hand pulling back to touch his bare chest, Connie commented, "It definitely wasn't a waste of time." She was proud of the response to her touch, then teased, "and I'm definitely here to swim."

With a suspicious grin, Steven replied, "That's good to hear," as he held her tight and ran towards the water, causing Connie to shriek as he leapt in with her still wrapped around his torso. 

Coming up for air, and regrettably separated, Connie splashed Steven and said, "That wasn't funny!" Though her laugh revealed the lie. 

Steven splashed her back, still grinning and replied, "I question your humor, woman. That was hilarious and you know it!"

They splashed and teased a bit more back and forth before Steven got another of those goofy looks and started swimming towards her. Connie shrieked with delight and swam away from him, leading to a hunt and chase that, unsurprising, ended with Steven capturing his target, who reached up and touched his face as she once again clung to him and said, "Well, I suppose you've won your prize," and before he could respond, she pulled him into a kiss that almost had him forgetting to tread water. 

Fortunately, it was an easy manner to focus some of those feelings to floating. The more difficult part was not allowing the height of those feelings to rocket them into the sky. They ended up hovering a few feet above the water for the remainder of the kiss. Then with a look, Steven floated them slightly higher and then asked, "Wanna jump?" And Connie replied with shifting her legs to spring herself backwards and dive down to the water below. Steven plugged his nose to allow himself to cannonball after her. 

By the time they left the water, they were both worn out and giddy, staggering up to the bottom of the stairs to the beach house. When the time arrived that Connie needed to head home, she blushed slightly and asked, "Before I go, Steven, I was wondering..." she hesitated a moment before shyly looking at him and continued, "... do you think maybe tonight... you could maybe share a dream with me tonight... the way Pink sometimes does?"

Turning red in the face, Steven replied, "S-sure, Connie," and the parted with a "See you tonight..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll have to imagine their dream rendezvous because any smut I'd attempt would be sure to be disappointing. But if I get requests to try, I'll give it my best shot.


	26. Steven and Connie Dream Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No plot points to this chapter below so you can skip if you're not into smut. It's only written in response to a request and I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this, as smut is not my strong point.
> 
> Merry Christmas 2020

Connie stared up at the blue sky as she floated on her back in the still water. She didn't concern herself with exactly where she was, as her nighttime rendezvous with Pink had led to a certain level in skill of lucid dreaming. She knew to focus more on the feeling of a location rather then the minor details of a place. The mind mostly blurred the edges beyond what was of immediate relevance. She wanted to capture the playful atmosphere of earlier in the day. 

As she'd promised Green, she'd been been studying about dom/sub relationships and her studies had led her to learn a few things already. For example, sometimes people who are always expected to be in charge and bearing the weight of responsibility can enjoy the temporary abdication of control. Likewise, people like herself, who for years had every moment of her day extremely controlled by someone else, can enjoy being in a power position. Steven had no idea what he was in for. 

Connie sensed when her dream was joined by her guest, as it caused a ripple through the image and then settled back. Standing herself in the shoulder-deep water, Connie waved to Steven and called, "Wait there. I'll join you on the beach," and she walked towards the shore. 

\-----

As Steven watched Connie slowly making her way out of the water, her hair and swimsuit clinging to her wet body, Steven was nervous. He felt his knowledge of physical love was... 2nd person? He had memories of things from a 1st person experience, but that weren't exactly him, but they were much more intimate than a 3rd person perspective. He felt like he had knowledge but without prior application. 

He'd joined the dream in his swim trunks and was glad they were dry and still loose as Connie made her way to him seductively. He was already blushing from how she was looking at him. He felt like prey and Connie was the predator. 

\------

It was so cute to see Steven blushing. She'd gotten accustomed to shamelessness in these types of dreams. The things Pink could make her body feel continually amazed her and had become somewhat like an addiction. It gave her an odd thrill to see Steven looking somewhat naive and some dark part of her thrilled at the idea that she would be the one to take his innocence and introduce him to pleasures long denied. 

She held back a giggle at how Steven's eyes kept wandering over her body and then snapping back to her face as though he was afraid to be caught doing something forbidden. She was eager to compare if what his components enjoyed matched the combined whole. As she reached Steven, she pulled his head down into a kiss, hanging from his neck and forcing his hesitant arms to wrap around her to support her. She relished the feel of his body against hers. 

\----

Steven was nervous. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. His nature led him to want to verify and ask permission for any step he took. But memories of Connie's nights with his components was combining with the way her body felt against his, and what her mouth was doing, to make it more and more difficult to maintain restraint. 

His senses were on overload and he didn't even realize at first that his hands had a firm grip on Connie's ass while her legs had wrapped around his torso. His response to Connie's kiss had started out slightly passive and hesitant, content to let her lead, but as a familiar hunger grew, changed to matching her intensity. Their tongues could almost be thought to be sparring in the most enjoyable combat he'd ever experienced. 

\----

Connie noticed when Steven's response ramped up, his usual tender caution giving away to something more fierce. She loved the feel of his hands squeezing her ass and how they seemed to be trying to pull her impossibly closer. She forced herself to momentarily break off the kiss, looking into Steven's blown pupils she was sure matched her own, to gesture to a blanket she'd imagined laid out on the beach. 

Steven walked them towards it, restarting the kiss even before they reached it. As Steven knelt on the blanket, Connie remained arms and legs wrapped around him. When he started to hesitate, Connie reached a leg down to flip Steven onto his back on the blanket. She looked down on Steven's shocked face with an evil grin, straddled on top of him. "Don't worry Steven, I'll be gentle." That didn't seem to comfort him the way she thought it should, likely due to the look she was giving him when she said it.

\------

Steven felt conflicted. Connie was looking at him the way a wolf eyes a sheep, but it was also so fucking hot. When Connie leaned over him, he didn't know how to respond and she took his stillness as reason to grab his wrists and lift them above his head. He finally remembered their link to check what Connie was feeling and nearly groaned as he was flooded with her hunger for him. It distracted him enough that it was only after she'd finished that Steven realized Connie had conjured a stake in the ground and tied his wrists to it.

Steven looked up at Connie in awe. He had no memories of ever having seen Connie like this. He could understand why Green fantasized about things like this now. Steven gave Connie a questioning look, wanting to ask what he should be doing. 

\-----

Connie recognized the confusion in Steven's eyes, as well as feeling it through their link. And she wanted to clarify things for him, "You don't need to worry about what to do because I'm in charge." She could feel him relax, which would be counterintuitive to her if she hadn't already been reading up on dom/sub relationships. Her first theory was proven true that at least some of Green's proclivities were shared between Green and Steven. She added, "I will be paying attention to our link, but in addition to that, if you ever want me to stop, just tell me and I will immediately, okay?" Steven nodded. They both agreed that consent is sexy. 

Connie shifted back into predator mode and kissed Steven until he couldn't think straight then said, "I'm going to take off your swim trunks, okay?" Steven had no objection. Connie just stood looking at Steven's body appreciatively for a minute or two before slowly stripping off her swimsuit while he watched. She then had vines spring up from the ground on both sides of the blanket to whip out and grab his ankles and pull his legs out to the sides. 

She could sense via the link and read in his eyes that Steven was still doing fine. "You're not really restrained by these and can easily break them if you need to. They are more to remind you of how I want you to hold yourself while I have my way with you." As she knelt beside Steven, he gave a small nod of understanding. She leaned forward and kissed his mouth deeply before pulling back and dangling one of her breasts over his mouth, "Now suck," she commanded and Steven pulled her nipple into his mouth, suckling greedily. 

Connie enjoyed herself while also sending signals along their link of how good that felt to her. When she'd had enough, she pulled back and returned the favor, taking one of Steven's nipples in her mouth to run her tongue around it before sucking while Steven shivered. She then licked and kissed her way to his gem. Now to see if he shared a favorite with Pink, and she began to caress the edges and planes of his gem with her tongue. Steven squirmed and then moaned and she proved her theory true.

Locking eyes with Steven, she shifted to lightly grab his cock and bring her mouth down to swirl her tongue around the tip. With the hand holding him she lightly caressed up and down his length while her other hand fondled his balls. She lapped up the little that had leaked from him before standing up and stepping back, earning a groaned complaint from Steven. Now, a final test to see if he could apply the knowledge of his halves and use it himself, she straddled his head and lowered herself to his mouth as she commanded, "Now please my pussy."

Steven obediently complied, recalling times his components had performed the action helped bolster his confidence as he sucked and licked until her legs were shaking. She quickly pulled back because she couldn't wait any more to have him inside her. The vines and restraints disappeared as she impaled herself on his ready cock. Steven's hands reflexively moved to her waist, helping to guide his thrusts up as she bounced on him.

Connie had her head back and eyes closed as she was moaning at the feeling of him filling her. Meanwhile, he was staring at her in continued awe; watching her breasts bobbing with the motion and seeing himself disappearing into her again and again. Their link was full strength as they both felt the other's rising pleasure combined with their own, leading them to move faster and faster as they raced to that peak.

With a cry, Connie came and he could feel her pleasure via the link as if it was his own, while he also felt her insides contracting around him.

Steven thrusted into Connie a few more times as he reached his own release, filling her with his seed and they both shuddered and moaned as they rode the waves of their dual pleasure.

After some amount of time passed, and Connie was laying on Steven's chest, still straddling him with her lower half, Connie murmered lazily, "How about you take charge for round two?" And Steven didn't need any further encouragement to flip them both over and start the fun up again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wouldn't believe the number of erotic fanfictions as well as articles on dom/sub and blowjobs that I read specifically to try to make this chapter hopefully decent. (seriously, an excessive amount for how short this chapter is, but I'm the least confident of my ability to write erotica than I am for almost anything else I try to do in life) I hope all that reading, and the sexual frustration it caused, combined to make this chapter acceptable.


	27. Therapy and Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First therapy appointment of the week and trouble with the happy couple.

Greg stayed in the waiting room while Green and Pink entered Dr Hashman's office. They did as had become usual for them and had Green sitting on Pink's lap. 

"I hope you've been well these past few days," began the doctor, "and that you're ready to have a productive session."

Green didn't reply and just leaned against Pink. 

The doctor asked, "Anything worth noting occur since we last met?"

"Connie got super powers," Green offered. "Now she can move stuff with her mind."

"Green had a nightmare and kept his promise to wake me," Pink added.

"Green, could you tell me about the nightmare?"

Green knew there was no point in trying to get out of it, "Years ago, we dealt with a corrupted gem we called the Glass Ghost. She turned anything she touched into glass, even people. I dreamt I was in a glass forest with crushed glass like snow on the ground and the glass ghost was chasing me and I fell and cut up my hands on the glass shards. I was looking at my blood dripping from my hands and the ghost was able to catch up and almost, or maybe did, touch me as I woke up." Green stared at his hands in his lap the whole time as he relayed the nightmare in a disgruntled tone.

The doctor chose not to comment on Green's tone and asked, "Do you know what triggered it?" Green just shook his head. 

Pink then offered, "I've been thinking and my best guess is that the trigger might have been Connie talking about her glass of water shattering."

"But I've literally broken glass myself without getting that dream. Could it really be from something so small? Plus..." Green shivered slightly, "usually something sh-shattering brings a different dream."

"That seems at least a plausible reason for now. Triggers don't always go off. Sometimes it's a matter of where your mind is at when you're exposed to the trigger. Is there anything that's been on your mind or anything else that occurred that might have contributed?" 

"None I can think of."

The doctor decided to move on for now, "Are you willing to talk about when you started hurting yourself?"

Green was quiet. Looking at his hands as he fidgeted, "I don't know what you think there is to talk about that."

"Do you remember when you started?"

"I think I do, but if it was when I think it was, that time was so stupid, though."

"I don't think it was," Pink commented.

"#sigh# New Years Eve night when I was 13, Dad didn't join me for the fireworks like he said he would so I went to look for him and he was in the storage unit arguing with Amethyst and... she shape shifted into mom and when she saw me, she just gasped and ran off. After I went home, I was washing up in the bathroom and I was thinking about seeing Amethyst looking like mom and she knows I saw her but she didn't even apologize when she saw me at the house afterwards and I thought it probably means she didn't do anything wrong and I was over reacting," fists clenched on his lap as he relived the memory, "and I was just so mad but wasn't even sure exactly why and I didn't know what to do about it and I couldn't calm down. I felt like I was going to explode and I just needed to hit something, but there was nothing in the bathroom to hit that wouldn't make a noise or break my hand and the gems were in the living room so I couldn't do anything out there and I just punched my thigh and it's like I felt a little bit less like I was gonna explode but still so angry, so I did it a bunch more times until I was more tired than angry." Green just stared at his clenched fists on his lap. "I don't remember every time I did it and I'm not 100% sure I never did it before then but that's the first time I remember doing it."

"It seems that you still feel angry when you think about it," suggested the doctor. 

Still staring at his fists on his lap, Green unclenched his hands, "I know it's stupid..."

"It's not stupid. You're allowed to feel things without anyone else's permission. And just because someone didn't mean to hurt you or doesn't realize they hurt you or even if the person doesn't care they hurt you, that doesn't change the fact that they hurt you. And you're allowed to feel what you feel." Dr Hashman paused a moment to let it sink in before continuing, "Have you ever talked to Amethyst about it?"

"...no."

"Would you be willing to tell her how it made you feel?" Dr Hashman asked. 

Green looked alarmed, "Do you mean tell her I... hurt myself?"

"Not necessarily. How you did or do cope with things is not her business unless you want it to be, but you could tell her how it affected you emotionally."

"Why? It was years ago. She'd think it's stupid to be whining about something that happened years ago."

"Do you plan to whine?"

"I'd be bringing up stuff from years ago that doesn't matter to anyone." Green had gone back to just staring at his hands. 

"Just a moment, doctor," Pink then put a hand to the side of Green's face and turned his face to make eye contact, "It matters to you. That counts. You're allowed to count yourself and your needs as just as valid as anyone else."

"It doesn't feel right, though," Green tried to look away but Pink wouldn't let him. 

Pink caressed Green's cheek with his thumb, saying, "That's just because you're not accustomed to it yet. You just need to break the old habit and eventually the new way should feel more natural. Right, doctor?" Pink looked toward the doctor. 

"That's right. It'll take practice and repetition, but eventually you should be able to give yourself equal priority without it feeling odd or uncomfortable."

"And I'll remind you to do it frequently enough to make that happen," added Pink. 

"Well," said the doctor, "since I'll be seeing you again the day after tomorrow, how about before that, an assignment to give yourself priority at least once in a situation you normally wouldn't?"

"Ok," Green answered, not sounding confident in any way. When done with the appointment, they walked hand in hand to the car, and Greg dropped them off at home. 

Amethyst was watching TV, with nobody else seemingly around when they entered the house. 

"Hey, dudes. Did you have fun at therapy?"

"Funny you should ask that, because you actually came up as a subject today," teased Pink while internally Green groaned. 

"I did?"

Green said, "You may have come up in conversation, but it's not important. We're going to go to our room," and Green took a step towards the stairs but Pink didn't budge. 

"Do you remember Dad's sto-" Pink started before Green clamped a hand over Pink's mouth. 

"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It. Now." He removed his hand from Pink's mouth. His other hand still holding Pink's as their point of contact. 

"You'll feel better if-"

"You don't know that. And maybe I'd be interested in talking about it later, but have you considered that maybe I need a little bit of wind down time from therapy before I start something up? This is just like the White Diamond thing. You're always pushing me to confront her even though I tell you I'm not ready." 

Amethyst had seen that this wasn't really about her and had snuck off to her room.

Pink said, "I'm just trying to help you."

"Maybe I don't want your help! Or maybe I do but in a different way or for something else or where you could ask me how I'd like you to help!" Green was shifting his weight from foot to foot and clenching Pink's hand tightly as he wrestled with the anger flaring through himself. "This is why we need to be able to separate at least a few feet!" Green was clenching and unclenching his fist in his free hand as he fought punching his legs and wanting to pace but limited in movement unless he was to ask Pink to pace with him. "I'm mad at you right now and I can't even take a couple steps away from you to cool down and I'm not allowed to hurt myself and I don't have anything else!" Tears sprung to Green's eyes in frustration.

Pink was speechless. He couldn't stand for Green to be in pain. Pink would gladly endure any torture if it would prevent Green suffering but he was at a loss how he could help Green with the current problem. What was worse was that this time, he was the cause of the pain. He knelt in front of Green, taking both of Green's hands into his and causing Green to open his tear-filled eyes and look down to meet Pink's eyes. "Please, Green. Please tell me what I can do to make this better. Please."

Green was torn between wanting to stop the pain and guilt in Pink's eyes and still having so much anger wanting to get out. Tears streaming from both sets of eyes as they looked at each other, Green began, "Pink... I..." and anything he might've said was cut off by their phone playing Connie's ring tone. Pink released one of Green's hands so he could pull out the phone. Answering, Green said, "I've got you on speaker phone."

"Are you two all right? I'm getting major pain vibes, what's going on?"

Pink didn't say anything, so Green responded, "Therapy aftermath's giving Pink and I some things coming up and maybe you could try to swing by on Lion when you have some time to help problem solve our conflict?"

"I'll come right now if you need me to."

"No, if you're in the middle of anything right now, feel free to finish that up first. I've calmed down enough for the moment that I'm gonna go lie down on our bed. Just come when it's convenient, please."

"If you're sure... I'll port over in about half an hour, ok? But if anything escalates before then, call me immediately."

"Will do. We love you, Connie."

"I love you guys, too," Connie replied and then Green put away the phone. 

"Pink, can you just get me to bed, please?" Pink's response was to scoop Green up and super speed them up the stairs. Green got Pink to lay down while Green laid with his back against Pink's side. Pink struggled to think of something to say. He could feel the hurt and anger and frustration coming in waves off of Green. He'd had Green angry at him plenty of times in the past, but this time felt different. There was a conflicted aspect to Green's feelings that made it seem like his entire view of Pink was trying to shift and Green was fighting it. Tears were still flowing from both of them, though for different reasons. 

Knowing how much Green found it soothing when Pink pet his head, Pink sat up while maintaining contact, and reached a hesitant hand out to gently start petting Green's head. Against his will, Green did feel some level of soothing from it and didn't protest. However, Green also did his best to fight against melting towards Pink in response. 

When Connie arrived, she was not encouraged by the scene before her. Green was still facing away from Pink, holding a pillow and face wet from tears while Pink similarly was silently crying while petting Green's head as though Green might shatter.

Both could feel Connie's presence through the link but Green had meanwhile reached a point where he didn't want to engage with anyone and just stayed as he was. Pink crossed his legs so that Connie could sit near them on the bed.

"Thank you for coming," came from Pink while just an 'everyone leave me alone' vibe radiated from Green.

Focusing her attention on Pink, Connie said, "How about you catch me up on the situation?" 

Pink spoke quietly, "At therapy, it was mentioned that Amethyst had upset us several years ago. I will leave it to him to choose if he wants to share the details. The doctor talked about the potential of bringing up the event with her to possibly achieve some kind of closure. He also gave an assignment to complete before the next appointment. It is to attempt at least once to prioritize himself in a situation where he would not normally do so. Because of this, when we arrived home and found Amethyst alone, I attempted to promote discussion of the past event. He argued he did not want to do so at that time and I... I did not listen and continued to press for the conversation. He became upset and expressed a desire to be able to further separate for the purpose of cooling off his anger with me. He also expressed frustration from the difficulty of being unable to do so nor permission for the alternative of self harm and stated he lacked any third alternative for dealing with anger with me. I had just pleaded for him to tell me what I could do to repair his upset when your call came."

Connie absorbed this and spent several minutes thinking before she spoke, "Having had a chance to think about it, have you realized why he became upset with you?"

Pink was continuing to gently stroke Green's hair. He looked down at Green's teary face and replied, "It was not right to continue to press the issue once he had expressed opposition. I was behaving more in the manner from when only he could hear me, but for Amethyst to witness as well. I believe now that he would have reacted differently had I instead honored his original plan of achieving privacy in the bedroom prior to any attempt at coercion."

"That's right," Connie replied. "The real issue we need to tackle is coming up with a plan for how to deal with when he's angry with you. He's right that, whether he should or not, being unable to walk away to process things likely makes him feel trapped. I'm sure it's the only time he views being so tightly bound to you in that way. We just need a method for him to feel like he's not so directly interacting with you when he needs to cool off."

Pink didn't like the idea of Green ever wanting to be apart, but was willing to try whatever might be necessary to not have Green being upset or feeling trapped. "I am open to ideas, but I have no idea how to achieve the feeling of separation while maintaining physical contact."

"Maybe he could turn into the cute bear or he could turn into a pillow that I could just quietly hold and maybe squeeze in anger without hurting him," Green finally spoke.

"Glad you've joined the conversation," stated Connie. 

"It helped me calm down some to hear that he at least understands why I'm upset." Green took Pink's hand that was petting his head, sat up, and leaned against Pink. "And it is a good idea to have a plan for the next time I get mad because, even though I know you don't try to anger me, things like this could happen plus I still have mood swings that can overwhelm me." Green climbed onto Pink's lap, wrapping Pink's arm around himself and looking Pink in the eyes, "So as much as I'd love to promise I'll never get mad, I can't, but I hated seeing you so upset, too." He stroked the side of Pink's face, "I don't ever want to worry you like that again."

Pink had teary eyes as he asked, "Can I kiss you?" In response, Green pulled Pink closer and initiated a kiss. 

Connie smiled, "I love when my boys are getting along."

After ending the kiss, Green turned to Connie, "Would you close the door so I can bring you into the conversation that led to the argument?" With a nod, Connie got up and closed the door before quickly rejoining them on the bed. "Pink, and even Dr Hashman to some extent, think I should talk to Amethyst about something that upset us years ago." Green had his head resting against Pink's chest staring at his own hand as he traced random patterns on Pink's chest, "New Years, when I was 13, I walked in on dad and Amethyst arguing and Amethyst turned into mom. She saw me, changed back and ran off. On one hand, she didn't shift into mom to hurt me, but it..." Though not using their link for communication, they were still able to feel an undercurrent of shame through it from Green as he spoke, "...it led to the first time I remember hitting myself." Green took a deep breath in and out before continuing, "But I don't think it's on Amethyst that it happened."

Nobody spoke for several minutes. Connie moved to sit beside Pink, lifting Green's legs onto her lap so that she could get closer. Pink put his arm around her and squeezed her lightly. Connie and Green locked eyes, "Thank you for sharing that with me."

"Do you think I should tell Amethyst?"

"Do you want to tell Amethyst?"

"What would it accomplish except to maybe make her feel bad?"

Pink was noticeably quiet. Green concentrated on sending love towards Pink, then said, "Ok, Pink. This is the appropriate venue for speaking your mind, so state your case for my talking to Amethyst about this, please."

After a pause, "Are you certain?" Green felt bad that he had scared Pink so much from speaking his mind. Pink felt the guilt coming from Green and it concerned him. He looked at Green with worry in his eyes, "What is wrong?"

Stroking Pink's cheek soothingly, Green replied, "I just feel bad that I've made you so hesitant to tell me what you think. It's not what you were saying that I had the problem with. I mean, yeah I disagree, but I wouldn't have reacted the way I did if you'd said things in private or through our link. Please, don't ever feel you can't tell me what you think. Often, when I've given in to your badgering, it's turned out to be the right thing to do."

Green could feel Pink's worry lessening and some of his humor returning, "Badgering?"

"Yes, badgering, when you're not using your sexy wiles or teaming up with Connie to gang up on me. And yes, the badgering annoys me often, but you know how I feel about your silence."

"I do," Pink thought for a moment, "I know that the memory of the storage unit and the aftermath still affects you. And yes, it has been years, but that makes it all the more significant for it to still bother you. I can't help feeling that it indicates unresolved feelings and that you therefore would benefit from confronting the issue instead of ignoring or running from it."

"That's an interesting opinion. How about I will take that into consideration to possibly talk to her at some point as long as you don't put me on the spot?"

"That sounds fair." Pink then turned to Connie, "How long can you stay?"

"I just need to get home by dinner."

There was streaming of a couple movies before Connie had to leave.


	28. I'll Wallow If I Want To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions can be exhausting

Despite having talked things out, Green still felt emotionally drained and was quick to sleep once they settled down for the night. 

The next morning, Green wasn't super eager to do anything. Pink had stayed awake all night, watching him. When Green woke up, he didn't look at Pink and just burrowed into his side. 

"Not ready to get up yet?" Pink asked, stroking Green's hair. Green just grumbled and stayed in a semi ball under the covers, with his face staying in Pink's side. "I'll take that as a yes."

Usual breakfast time came and went but a few hours past Green finally couldn't continue ignoring his stomach and begrudgingly deigned fit to get out of bed. They walked out of the bedroom hand in hand and sat at their usual spots, with legs as their point of contact. 

Pearl commented on Green's lethargic appearance as she whipped up brunch for her boys.

Green rested his head on one hand while using his other to eat, "I'm just not in a good mood. And I'm very comfortable staying like this all day."

"I'm willing to try to cheer you up," Pink offered. 

"I'm not sad, I'm just also not happy. I'm so tired. I'm wanting at least one day without emotional turmoil or drama or really any feelings of any kind. I want an emotions break and the best way to do that is to not be awake for any of it, but gotta eat, so..." and Green finished the sentence with a shrug as he half-heartedly continued to eat without really even tasting whatever it was.

"I don't think that's especially healthy," Pink commented worriedly.

Another indifferent shrug from Green, "Feel free to bring it up to Dr Hashman tomorrow." Green set his fork down and pushed his half-full plate away before resting his head on his arms crossed on the counter. 

Pink reached out to run his fingers through Green's hair. Green reluctantly relaxed some but didn't move. After a few minutes, Green silently rose and climbed onto Pink's lap and burrowed into Pink's chest. "I'm tired. Can we stop by the bathroom and then go back to bed, please?"

Pink took Green to use the toilet. When leaving the bathroom, Pink asked, "How about we just hang out on the couch here and watch some old movies that we know don't get you emotional?"

"Okay..." Green agreed, so Pink took the TV remote and sat down. Then Green laid down on the couch, with his head on Pink's lap, and Pink pet Green's head. 

****...to help Pink make Steven...****

"What?" Pink responded to Green's accidental thought leak. 

"What?" Green asked, not yet realizing he'd accidentally thought too loud.

"Something about helping me make Steven?"

"Oh, don't worry about it."

Hand on Green's shoulder, "You know that won't happen."

"I was just thinking it would be nice if we could find an alternative to fuse with you to make Steven..."

"Why would I need that when I have you?"

Trying to be casual, "You know, in case you ever didn't..."

"Green..."

"Can we just drop this?" A look and then a sigh and, "I... just in case something happened?"

"Are you planning something?"

"Not actively, just... fantasizing..." At a horrified look from Pink, another sigh and looking away... "...I miss the void..."

Lifting Green up onto his lap and pulling him to his chest, "You want to not exist?"

"I just want a break, like if I could turn off my emotions for awhile. It's too heavy and I want a break from the weight. It's like I'm at the bottom of the sea with the entire ocean crushing me..."

Pink rubbed Green's back as he processed the information and racked his mind for anything he could do about the problem. He also resolved to bring the issue up to the doctor at their next appointment. 

They watched a couple movies and Pink texted back and forth with Connie.

*Do you want me to come over to help cheer up Green?*

_*Thank you, but don't worry. He's in a mood where I think obvious cheer up attempts will likely backfire. I'm just going to try to keep him from going lower and hope that a good night's sleep tonight will lead to him waking tomorrow feeling better.*_

*Okay, but let me know if anything changes. I love you both.*

_*Love you too*_

The day went mostly uneventful and ended with Pink carrying a sleeping Green up to bed and then watching him all night.


	29. Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions occur in every relationship

Near daily, Green continued working diligently on his garden binder. Sometimes he'd have a sudden idea and want to jot things down, so Pink had made a habit of making sure the binder was within reach at all times. Sometimes he'd flip through it to see what Green had come up with so far. 

This morning, when Green awoke, he again hadn't managed his previously standard morning smile. He did give Pink a quick peck on the lips, but then immediately focused on getting out of bed. Pink continued to worry, but said nothing about it, planning to bring up his thoughts and concerns to the Dr at their appointment for the day. 

As they sat side by side on stools with legs touching, instead of eating, Pink was flipping through the garden binder so that he could also focus on continuing to monitor Green. A breeze, from the door opening as Pearl left to go teach a class, fluttered the pages and Pink noticed writing on a page in the back, behind a bunch of blank pages. Looking at it now, he saw a list of names along with notes. He recognized the names as some of the people in town who'd been lined up outside on their birthday and notes that seemed to be attempting to determine an order of priority. Looking at Green on the stool beside him, he saw him frozen in place, staring at the page of interest. 

"What's this?" Pink asked. 

Green swallowed the mouthful of food he'd been holding and then casually replied, "A list of townspeople," and continued eating. 

So, Pink thought, you're going to attempt casual innocence, "Why is it in the Garden Binder?" He'd give Green credit, most people wouldn't know Green was scrambling for an answer, but most people didn't know Green as well as Pink did, nor had the link to accompany it. 

A couple bites of cereal, "Well, I was trying to remember who came by on our birthday."

"You could've asked me. You know I'd easily remember everyone."

Several thoroughly chewed bites of cereal, then Green said, "Well..." a defeated sigh, "I didn't want you to know I was working on a priority list for healing the townspeople."

"Gave up on the dance?"

"Accepting the inevitable once you found the list," Green had stopped looking at Pink and just watched his cereal bowl intently as he finished eating. 

"You can't heal all these people younger."

"I can, I've just got to space it out and plan it for days when you could just stay home and read or something."

"So you were going to tell me eventually?"

"Well, yeah, it's not like I could do it without you noticing, I'd just hoped to have a better plan to argue with by then."

"And you're not worried about what it might do to you?"

Green looked confused, "It just made me really tired. I mean, I end up missing a day to do anything else but-"

"You don't know for sure that it doesn't do more than that."

"You don't know that it does, either."

"And what if I don't agree to let you?"

Green gaped, "What?"

Pink doubled down, "What if I refuse to let anyone near you for you to do it?"

Green just looked at him in shock. After a minute passed with neither one speaking, Green stood, and took two large steps back. Pink was up and back in contact with Green before the effects of separation could set in, "What the hell was that?!"

Green just glared up at Pink, "If you want to treat me like a prisoner, I'm going to act like one and try to escape."

"Um... guys?" They looked to see Greg standing just inside the door, "You do remember I'm driving you to therapy today?"

The drive to therapy was tense. Greg drove and the boys sat in the back seat minimally touching. At Dr Hashman's office, the doctor was concerned to see Green and Pink entering with glaring expressions and what seemed to be only begrudgingly minimal physical contact between them. Approaching the chair, Green said, "You can sit, but I'll stand," and Pink responded by sitting Green in the chair and then standing beside it with a hand firmly gripping Green's shoulder, holding him in place.

Dr Hashman took his seat. He took in the sight before him, then commented, "Well, I wasn't expecting this for at least a couple more weeks." As the doctor expected, this led to both looking at him in shock. Without waiting for them to ask, the doctor continued, "Conjoined twins that aren't separated live their lives always with their twin. It feels perfectly normal to them in the same way a non conjoined person views being singular. The two of you essentially grew up as a singlet that now has an entire person attached to you continuously. Just as conjoined twins may feel a sense of loss or loneliness were they to become singular for some reason, the two of you have the reverse issue of never again having the option of being alone. There was guaranteed to be eventual friction."

Green wasn't sure how he felt about being predictable in this particular way. "Do you have anything we can do about it?"

"Step one, what is the current conflict?"

Green looked at Pink to see if he was going to answer. When he was met with a quiet glare, Green focused on the doctor, "He's decided he's my warden. He is using my biological dependence on him against me because he doesn't agree with my plans."

"What plans do you have?"

"I want to use my healing ability to help the townspeople who've asked me to."

"This is the same healing ability you mentioned previously that exhausts you for a day?"

A slight hesitation, then "Yes. Being wiped out for a day doesn't seem too much of a sacrifice to be able to help those that need it."

The doctor turned his attention to Pink, "And you disagree with that assertion?"

"I do. For one, he doesn't know for sure that the action isn't harming him beyond just tiring him out. And secondly, our dad walking around the town and telling people about it led to over a dozen people showing up to be renewed. What happens when word spreads from them and then we have a hundred queued up or a thousand?"

Green's eyebrows did raise at Pink's second point, that had never occurred to him, but then Green responded, "This ability is a responsibility to help people. It's selfish to have the ability to help those that need it and to choose not to use it."

Pink scoffed, "They don't need it. They aren't injured; they are just dealing with the physical aspects of being organic and having a comparatively short lifespan to ours."

"It's not asking too much to want to continue to exist beyond a short span. It's what you've been pressuring me to do."

"That's different." Green snorted at Pink's response, but Pink continued, "What happens when there is a steady line of people wanting this and the need for at least a day to recuperate between means that potentially those that you've done this for will have aged enough to want treatment again before you've finished the initial line of requestors?"

Green's brow furrowed. It was another point that hadn't occurred to him. It could end up that he was just perpetually healing and resting, with no time or energy to do anything else indefinitely. And even at that pace, he wouldn't be able to maintain everyone that might potentially line up to seek treatment. 

The doctor took the opportunity to interject, "It appears, Green, that Pink has brought up aspects that hadn't previously occurred to you. Is it possible that you might want to think more on the subject before cementing your decision?"

Green looked less confident as he replied, "He didn't make those points before, he just basically threatened to keep me locked away from everyone to prevent me from having the choice to do what I wanted."

"And that was, admittedly, not the ideal response, and we'll address that. But first, do you think that perhaps he has a valid point about you renewing everyone that asks?"

Green could be stubborn, "But I have an obligation to-"

"Says who?" Pink interrupted. 

"Says the ability to help! It's wrong to not help those that ask when I have the ability to help them!"

"Even to the exclusion of doing anything else?"

Looking conflicted, Green said, "I..." he looked down at his hands, "...I don't know..."

"Perhaps you could compromise and have some sort of a lottery system to make it fair and to allow you to help some without playing favorites?"

Sounding deflated, and still just staring at his hands, Green replied, "Maybe, but Pink still shouldn't threaten to make me a prisoner just because he doesn't support my choices."

"Pink, do you have anything to say to that?"

Pink looked down at Green, "I think the recent tensions may have caused me to slightly overreact."

"What recent tensions is that?"

"Pink can tell you," Green didn't bother looking away from his hands, which he continued to fiddle with, while Pink relayed what happened since their last therapy session. When Pink was finished, Green added, "I don't know how to stop in the middle of an argument and tell him to shutup and pretend he's not there so I can cool off, especially since he might not feel very cooperative at the time either."

"I can definitely see how it would be frustrating to argue with someone that you cannot walk away from. In the ideal situation, you'd work through disagreements calmly at the time, but sometimes tempers flare. It would be prudent to have a de-escalation plan to help in the future."

Pink frowned, looking down at Green and then at the doctor, "I would be grateful if you can recommend something to help us."

"Fortunately, there are a plethora of options available to the two of you. I specialize more in PTSD, trauma and personality disorders, but one option is couples counseling. Having someone trained specifically to help with the intricacies of relationships can not only help by having them as a mediator, they can also provide tried and true techniques they can teach you to help in the future. I'll give you contact info to one I recommend in case you decide to pursue that venue."

"I can also suggest some reading materials, including some pamphlets that I'll send home with you today. These will be a way for you to work on things outside of this office, but now, I think we can try a few things here."

"Green," the doctor gained his attention, "Would you be willing to sit on Pink's lap the way you did at previous appointments?" The doctor held up a hand when Green looked like he might argue, "I'm not saying to stop being angry with him or in general. I'm not saying to forgive or lose or give up on anything. I'm just asking, since I know you've mentioned sitting on Pink's lap as a favorite thing, if you can just agree to that action."

"He might not want me to," Green commented, not looking at Pink, "but if he's willing... I'll agree to it."

"Thank you," replied the doctor and, before he could even ask Pink anything, he was lifting Green out of the chair. Pink sat down, set Green on his lap and then rested his arms on the arms of the chair instead of wrapped around Green as they'd normally be. 

Green sat stiffly, with his arms crossed, and looking only in the doctor's direction. "Thank you both even if, for no other reason, I don't have to strain my neck looking back and forth between two extremely different heights." The doctor gave them a grateful smile as he briefly massaged the back of his neck.

Green's face immediately softened several degrees, "I'm sorry. If I'd known it was making you uncomfortable I-"

The doctor raised a hand to stop him, "It's alright. You don't need to apologize. I'm here to serve you; you're not required to worry about my comfort."

Green had unconsciously leaned against Pink while the doctor spoke. "Now that I can look at you both without moving my head, let's see if we can get an agreement between the two of you about healing renewal." The doctor noted nobody objected, so he continued, "Pink, what do you think of the lottery idea for Green to use his ability for at least some people?"

Pink had been thinking about it to some extent since the doctor had suggested it, so he didn't need to pause to respond, "I like the idea of the lottery as a way to feel fair in choosing a smaller number to renew, but I'd want the next time he does it to be at Peridot's place with her running scans to get a better idea of if there are any unknown or long term consequences."

Green spoke, still leaning against Pink but not looking at him, "I'll agree to that."

"Splendid," replied the doctor. "Well, we only have a few minutes remaining today, so let me write down my colleague's information and some reading suggestions as well as gather the relevant pamphlets to send home with you."

Greg was relieved that, though not back to lovey dovey, his sons were at least no longer looking like they resented being near each other. The drive home was quiet and Pearl had lunch ready for them when they returned. The rest of the day was a gradual but continual thawing between Pink and Green as Green worked on his garden binder and Pink read the pamphlets and then used their tablet to obtain some of the suggested reading. 

Dinner was quiet, but in a relaxed way, followed by sitting side by side on the couch beside Garnet and Pearl, watching a movie. Halfway through the movie, Green climbed onto his preferred spot on Pink's lap and fell asleep with Pink's arms wrapped around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get frustrated when there are long gaps between updates from fan fictions I read. It's partly impatience of wanting to read what happens next and partly from worry that it's not just a delay and is instead the person moving on to other things and might never continue the story. 
> 
> As such, I try to make sure to update at least once a week and I try to maintain a buffer to enable that whether other life events or writers block occur. More of that buffer has been eaten into lately than I like, as life plus some tricky story parts have teamed up. So I might end up with some longer gaps in the near future. 
> 
> I also wanted to mention that I've had writer's block before a couple times where a comment about what someone liked or hoped to see or other has inspired a solution to a particular problem, so feel free to mention anything you particularly like or hope to see or even hope doesn't happen if you want to potentially contribute to the continuing smooth flow of updates.


	30. Not All Shivering is the Good Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chattering teeth are not a sign of well being.

Green didn't wake until the next morning. Pink had spent the night reading the materials that he could read online and ordering a couple recommended books for delivery to read later and then he watched Green sleep. He was waiting to see what reaction he'd be getting that morning, hoping it would be the previous usual. 

Green slept deeply and a little later than usual. He woke slowly, stretching and then opened his eyes. He rolled over to face the man sharing his bed. He reached a hand to touch Pink's face and smiled, "Good morning."

Pink smiled back, "It is a good morning when I see your smile," and kissed Green. 

When the kiss ended, Green grinned at Pink, "I thought I was supposed to be the corny one in this relationship."

Pink replied, "Sorry, sir, I humbly apologize for stepping on your domain. How might I make it up to you?"

As Green pulled Pink into another kiss, he replied, "I think you know what I want... my Diamond."

\-----

At breakfast, Pink didn't eat. He sat beside Green at the counter, worrying and running various possible conversation paths through his mind, before he commented, "I want to schedule an appointment with the couples counselor that Dr Hashman recommended."

Internally, Green's first reflex was to oppose having even more therapy to endure, but then memory of how rotten the prior few days had been was still relatively fresh in his mind, "Okay," was all he responded and then continued eating. 

Knowing how Green felt about therapy, Pink was surprised at not having to work harder to get cooperation. He decided, since Green was being so cooperative with this, that he deserved, "And if Peridot and Barb are both available today, we could arrange having you scanned while renewing her."

Green's eyebrows raised and he looked at Pink, "Really?" Pink nodded and Green stood and hugged Pink excitedly, saying, "Thank you so much!" Pink was glad he'd gone with his gut. 

Hugging Green back, Pink laughed and jokingly chided, "But you have to finish your breakfast first. I want you to be stocked up on calories." Green immediately sat down and went back to eating. 

Since they had Peridot's phone number, but not Barb's, they first called Peridot. She was more than happy to add more data to her study of them. Since Barb was a mailman, they went to the post office to see if she was there, but were told she'd already started her route. Pink had the idea of floating up high and using his better than human eyes to try to spot her. Succeeding, Barb got startled a bit when they touched ground near her. 

Chuckling, Barb commented, "Well look, it's raining Stevens today!"

"Hey, Barb," Green said, "We need someone for me to heal like I did my dad, while Peridot runs scans, and you had been next in line if you're still interested."

Barb frowned and looked at Pink, "I didn't think there'd be any more of that after how it went last time."

Pink replied, "It's why we want to run scans while he does it. We want to test what affect it's having on him."

Barb got back some of her original smile, "So I guess it'd be a win-win; I'd get refreshed or whatever and you'd get scan results."

"Can you come now and then get back to your route afterwards, or do you need to wait until you're done with the mail?"

"If things work out for me like they did for your dad, I'll probably be able to finish my route faster afterwards than I would if I kept going right now."

Barb got to take a ride with them in a bubble to get to Peridot and Lapis' place. Peridot didn't just hook up wires to Green, but also to Pink and Barb, explaining that she wanted to capture everything and anything that might be affected by the action. 

Once everyone was fully wired, Green took Barb's hand and focused on making her 100% pain-free, healthy, and full of energy and kissed her hand. As expected, a wave of tiredness came over Green, but didn't feel as extreme as when he healed Nanefua Pizza.

"I mean, #yawn#, I feel tired," Green was leaning against Pink, "but I don't think it's as much as on our birthday."

"Well, hadn't you healed your father the night before?" Green nodded and Peridot continued, "So part of the issue might've been how close together those two times were to each other." Peridot had been studying her monitors, "I regret not having you perform a more minor healing, to be able to make a comparison."

Peridot unhooked Barb first, who thanked the boys and stated she'd get herself back to her route. While Peridot was disconnecting Pink and Green, she commented, "Next time someone has an injury to heal, I want to hook up the two of you to scan during that as well."

"Okay. Have you done any scans on Connie yet?" At Peridot's response to the negative, Green continued, "#yawn# She's got more free time now, so you could probably just call or text her to set something up. She can move stuff with her mind now."

"She can?" Peridot looked excited, "I am eager to see what a scan of her would reveal."

"For now, could you focus on what today's scans might reveal?" Pink asked while Green leaned quietly against him. 

Getting slightly irritated, Peridot responded, "I need to review all the data first."

Looking slightly irritated himself, Pink replied, "I understand that, but I think you could at least give some initial findings. You were watching the data feed in real time and must have observed something you can relay to us now."

Peridot looked pensive, then commented, "First glance, all I can say is an energy dip was visible in Green at the same time as an energy spike occurred in the human message carrier. Then, a delayed effect afterwards showed an increase in energy transfer from you to Green." Peridot then shooed them both away. 

Pink carried Green home and sat them both on the couch, "How are you feeling?"

"I think I could really use at least a nap, but could fight sleep if I tried to, so how about #yawn# you set yourself here or in bed or wherever and I'll lie down and #yawn# sleep while you do whatever you'd like. You could call that couple's therapist to schedule an appointment, too."

"Maybe if you could stay awake until after I make the couples appointment, I could help you to..." Pink kissed Green, then continued, "...to make sure you're really, really tired and can fall to sleep quickly." Green smiled at Pink as he was carried upstairs. 

\--------

After around half an hour of sleep, Pink noticed Green had started to shiver. Green woke up as the shivering increased. Pink wrapped him in a blanket, but it didn't stop the shivering. Through chattering teeth and with pain filled eyes Green said, "Th-the headache's back t-too."

"You had the headache earlier?"

"Y-yeah, but I knew y-you were g-gonna fix that the next time we k-kissed."

While holding Green in a blanket burrito, Pink kissed Green's forehead, surprised at how very cold it was. Worry increasing, Pink called Connie while rushing Green to see Peridot

Connie got to Peridot's place on Lion at roughly the same time Pink arrived carrying Green. 

"Peridot, something is wrong with Green!" Pink knelt down so that Peridot could easily examine a still shivering Green. 

"Tell me everything that's happened since you left here earlier today." Pink did so while Green tried to stop his teeth from chattering. Peridot responded, "You should have made him eat something right after."

"You did not say we needed to."

"Because I thought it was obvious. You caused him to expend energy he didn't have and now he's at a deficit. Combined with the strain on his body that I've noted from my incomplete review of the data, it's put him in an unhealthy weakened state."

"N-not to interrupt b-but c-could we toss me in a fire or s-something?"

"I believe your body would be greatly damaged if exposed to fire," said Peridot.

Pink realized he could feel that Green was in pain. Looking at his shivering love, "The headache is back again?" It was hard to tell with the way he was shivering, but they did determine that Green nodded in response. Pink again kissed Green's forehead, healing the headache, then addressed the group collectively, "So a headache that has returned twice already and he is cold despite it being warm weather and his having been wrapped in a blanket."

"I believe the blanket isn't helping because its purpose would be to contain his own body heat but he currently has almost none to retain. Perhaps both you and Connie could wrap up with him or try fusing and see if Steven or Stevonnie is still suffering the effects."

Pink looked at Green, "Do you want to try fusing?" Green responded with more nodding, so Pink held Green close and nothing happened. Looking at Peridot, panicked, Pink exclaimed, "We are unable to fuse!"

"I was afraid that might be the case. The particular way this drains energy is different than what occurs from separation. The energy deficit has temporarily altered his vibration, causing the two of you to be out of sync." Peridot paused for a moment, looking thoughtful, "Dropping him in fire isn't an option, but I think the water permeable nature of his exterior..."

"A hot bath?" Pink quickly offered. 

Peridot nodded, "As hot as he can tolerate and you'll possibly need to continue to heat the water until a sufficient quantity of energy has been absorbed. Then perhaps-"

"Everyone on Lion," Pink interrupted, "Once we get back to the house, we can discuss the rest after we have started warming him in the bathtub."

Pink climbed into the tub and sat with Green still wrapped in a blanket and seated between Pink's legs. They started the water and put the plug in as soon as water began coming out hot. As the tub filled, it started to absorb into the blanket.

"Are you s-sure the water isn't c-cold?" Green asked. 

Connie dipped a finger in and rapidly pulled it back out, "I guarantee the water is hot."

As more water absorbed into the blanket and also surrounded them in the tub, Green slowly decreased his shivering, "I still feel cold, but not as bad," Green commented. 

At this point they'd had to turn the water off to prevent overflow, so Peridot instructed Connie to open the drain to let some water out and to then add more hot water. Connie tentatively reached for the plug and a shocked expression lit up her face, "The water is so cold! How is it already so cold?"

"Green's body has absorbed all the heat energy. It's why we need to add hot water again."

Connie assumed she should make sure to drain as much as possible, so that cold water wouldn't be left to mix with the new hot, but the tub had only half drained when Green's shivering worsened. It wasn't yet as bad as it had been, but still enough to communicate a problem so Connie put the plug back in and turned on the hot water full blast. 

Garnet peeked in the open bathroom doorway, speaking in a friendly tone that swiftly changed to concerned upon the sight, "What's going on?"

Peridot got Garnet up to speed while Connie turned off the water again and Pink spoke to Green, "Better?"

"Yes, thank you," Green had once again decreased down to a mild shiver, "I'm sorry for causing all this trouble."

"It's alright," Connie and Pink both responded before Connie continued, "We're just grateful the water is helping."

"Maybe..." Green saw the looks on his lovers' faces so he continued, "I was just thinking maybe hot cocoa or coffee might help me warm up inside and out at the same time."

Garnet had stepped away and returned with a coffee pot full of hot water but no mug, "Now I know why I'd needed to start the coffee maker without any coffee brewing. I'll bring a mug with the next pot, but this one," Green eagerly reached hands out and grabbed the pot with both hands, before Pink knew what he was going to do, and eagerly started chugging it, with no sign of any discomfort from it. Taking the empty pot back, "I'll start another pot and bring it with a mug as soon as it's done." 

Green nodded gratefully, no longer shivering, "Thank you, Garnet." Then Green addressed the shocked faces of Connie and Pink, "It only felt warm and I knew it'd be safe because Garnet wouldn't have brought it close like that if it wasn't."

Connie designated herself tub temperature monitor, so she drained and added hot water as needed. Meanwhile Garnet returned with another pot of hot water and a mug. When Connie asked why she'd brought hot water instead of coffee, she explained, "He only needs the heat, not the caffeine. He also needs restorative sleep and coffee would have delayed that."

Peridot agreed with Garnet about sleep. Meanwhile Green was drinking a mug at a time because each refill was registering to him as hotter than the previous, despite all coming out of the same slowly cooling pot of water. Finally, Garnet grabbed the mug from Green's loosening grip as he finally drifted to sleep. 

"He's finally out," Pink breathed a relieved sigh, then looked at Peridot, "Should we continue to soak him or take him out now?"

Peridot had been reviewing the tablet data and replied, "The lack of shivering, combined with his increased ability to detect the heat of Garnet's beverage, suggests he most likely has restored or at least nearly restored his core temperature. I don't have a way to measure that right now, hence the uncertainty, but the indicators make me confident that he can safely be removed from the water. He'll need thorough drying and then it would be best if both you and Connie wrapped up under blankets with him. Your energy, combined with Connie's body heat, should suffice. I'm going to return home to continue to review the data for any other concerns. Contact me immediately if his status changes."

Much like on their birthday, Green's exhaustion was sufficient that they were able to dry and dress him and get him in bed without him waking. They got under the covers on either side of Green and snuggled close. 

Roughly an hour later, they were awakened by a cough and Green sitting up. Looking guilty, Green looked at them from where he was sitting between them, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Anything further he might've intended to say was cut off by a coughing fit.

Pink and Connie both sat up, Pink rubbing his back and Connie placing a hand on his forehead, "He's got a fever!"

Pink pulled Green's head closer and kissed his forehead, the coughing stopped and Green took a relieved breath. "Thank you. I didn't want to bother you, but I had to sit up because my nose got all runny like I'd been crying, but I wasn't and I was having trouble breathing until I sat up."

"Sounds like you had a cold," Connie commented. 

"I'm so glad I don't normally have those," Green replied. 

Stroking Green's hair, Pink commented, "I think your weakened state may have extended to your immune system. To be safe, we should update Peridot." 

Peridot had them wrap Green up again and bring him back to hook up for more scans. Now that he was able to breathe, Green was asleep before they arrived. He didn't wake during wires being attached and Peridot kept him hooked up. 

"Pink, how are you currently feeling?" Peridot asked. She had hooked Pink up to wires again as well. 

Pink assessed. After a minute or so, "I feel slightly depleted of energy, not to a dangerous level, but a sufficient amount that would likely impact my usefulness in a battle."

"I'm still reviewing data, but from what I've reviewed thus far, I've determined that the energy transfer from him to the human was a different form of energy than what he draws from you. His body seems to alter the energy within himself just prior to his performing his human refreshing. It drains his own cells to build up the needed quantity and then that condensed, modified energy flows from him and into the human, where it then proceeded to spread to her every cell. In a manner of speaking, it seems that he is transferring most of his essence to the human and then his body needs to reestablish it within himself afterwards. I'm currently calling the energy his essence because I've not yet identified it other than that it is different from the energy your body provides to his cells for them to function."

The concern on Connie's face increased, "I think you're talking about... his soul? Are you saying he drains his soul when he renews anyone and then has to essentially rebuild it within himself?"

"I'm not sure what specifically a 'soul' looks like, but if you mean an energy that is just as vital, but completely different from, his life-force, then yes, that is what I'm saying."

Pink and Connie shared a concerned look. Then, Pink asked, "Is it damaging that essence?"

Peridot looked at her tablet, "I wouldn't say damaging but it certainly weakens it for some length of time. When I compare the scan I first took, which was after two humans had recently been renewed, to the next scan a couple days later and then to the initial readings this morning, I can track a replenishing of that specific energy within him. But, as I didn't get a scan prior to him ever having performed a renewal, I don't know what level it should reach. It may have been full strength this morning, or it still might've been working to fully restore itself. I'll need to do more frequent scans to monitor and he must not expend any healing energy except for the basic healing I need him to perform while being scanned. I'll be able to measure any energy drops to account for it in the time until his essence is fully restored."

Finally looking Pink in the eyes, "In the meantime, he may need you to heal him several times to assist as his temporary immune system. I'd like to keep you both hooked up until the next time that occurs so that I can monitor what affect that has on both of your energies." After another half an hour, Green's breathing developed a rasp to it. Pink kissed his forehead and Green settled down into a more relaxed sleep. Peridot dismissed them after instructing minimal energy expenditure for Green and then sending them home.

The rest of the day was Pink and Connie hanging out with a blanket-wrapped Green sleeping on Pink's lap. Pink had to heal Green several more times before nightfall. Connie then went home and Pink monitored Green throughout the night.


	31. The Day After the Shivering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter to give you a little something to read while you wait for more.

Upon sunrise, Green woke up to find himself snugly wrapped in a blanket and on Pink's lap with Pink's arms wrapped around him. Pink was looking at him, Green smiled and said, "Good morning."

"How are you feeling?"

"The price for my answer is one kiss, please."

Pink smiled, already determining that Green was doing much better, but still provided the requested kiss. 

Once the kiss ended, Green continued to smile at Pink and say, "I feel like all is right in the world, but..." he paused for dramatic affect, "...but I'm sure my natural pessimism will kick in eventually."

"Or maybe you've finally become an optimist," Pink offered. 

Green chuckled, "Nope, you haven't swung me to the bright side just yet. Also, I need the bathroom and then I'm starving."

While Green ate breakfast, Pink updated him on things he slept through. "So I'm healing people using my soul? Weird," and continued eating.

"All you have to say about it is 'weird'?"

"...yes? What should I be saying?"

"Do you still want to do that again in the future?"

Green chewed thoughtfully, swallowed and then spoke while keeping his eyes focused on his breakfast, "I know you want me to say I don't but you also don't want me to lie to you, so..." he shrugged and ate another mouthful. 

Pink sighed, "I hope you are at least willing to hold off until Peridot determines what long term affects it might have and how best to minimize any negative results like yesterday's freezing."

"Of course, I'm not completely unreasonable. But if Connie was to ask me to help her parents live longer or if dad got to a point where I start to worry he needs it again..." Green finished his breakfast. "Instead of potentially arguing, is there anything else on our agenda today?"

Choosing not to comment on the first half of his question, Pink responded, "Peridot wants more scans. She's monitoring the rate your energy replenishes."

"#sigh# I guess we might as well get that over with," Green climbed onto Pink's lap, "but first, I just want to say thank you." Green held Pink's face in his hands, looking at him lovingly, "I know yesterday probably wasn't a basket of kittens for you and I appreciate how you took care of me, even when I wasn't conscious to be aware of it." Green pulled Pink into a kiss.

After the kiss, Pink asked, "Basket of kittens?"

Green just rolled his eyes and said, "Just get me to Peridot's place, please." 

At Peridot's place, Green was sat on Pink's lap, both hooked up to wires. Green asked Pink, "Will this scan determine if it's safe for us to have sex?"

Peridot rolled her eyes, though with a tinge of a blush, and responded before Pink had the chance to, "The purpose of this scan is more important than your having sex! ...but yes, it will also determine if you have sufficient energy to burn or if you'll need to wait..."

As Peridot expected, Green reacted more cooperatively when it affected his more base desires than he did for its primary purpose of assuring his health and safety. Green settled in, looking at Pink, "Do we have any other plans for today?"

Again, Peridot cut in before Pink could answer, "Lapis wants you to come by to check her progress on the fountain."

When Pink was sure Peridot wasn't going to talk more, he replied to Green, "Bismuth wants to go over the final plans for The Garden's bathroom so she can start work on it."

"Hmmm..." Green had an idea, but was feeling guilty again, for being greedy, "...never mind" Green stared at his hands, leaning against Pink. 

"Green..." 

"No, it was a stupid, unnecessary idea, never mind."

"Green..." Pink reached a hand to Green's cheek, "...am I going to need to use my secret weapon?"

Green looked at Pink, confused, "What secret weapon?" Pink tilted Green's face up and lowered his lips to just barely brush Green's lips. Green tried to push his lips more firmly to Pink's, but Pink held Green's head in place, continuing to just barely graze Green's lips. Pink could feel Green's growing irritation, "Pink..."

"What were you going to say before?" Pink breathed.

Green's hands were gripping Pink's shirt, in a futile attempt to pull Pink closer. Growing frustrated, Green grumbled, "It's a stupid idea..." Pink licked Green's lower lip lightly, then pulled slightly back, maintaining his tortuous slight distance. A low growl escaped from Green, "I just... I wanted..." Green closed his eyes, "I thought it'd be nice to have a bathroom upstairs so we wouldn't have to cleanup to leave the bedroom to go cleanup in the bathroom..." Green knew it was stupid to-- unable to finish his thoughts as Pink finally kissed Green like he was about to head off for war. Green ceased all thought.

When Pink finally finished the kiss, Green had a blissed out expression and goofy grin on his face, sighed and rested his head against Pink. "That's not a bad idea. It would be more efficient and make it easier to keep hygienic without awkward encounters in the living room." Green hummed a bit, keeping his head leaning against Pink, but didn't otherwise comment. Pink stroked the side of Green's face and cooed, "Didn't it feel nice to cooperate?"

Green closed his eyes and contentedly sighed, "Cooperation is a good thing."

"You two are so weird," Peridot's comment reminded them of her presence and they both looked at her. Despite the tone of her comment, her cheeks were showing a blush. "I have sufficient scans for your energy levels, but you will still be on call for scans for each of you to do a more basic healing."

"You want to scan when I heal someone as well?" Pink asked. 

"Yes, I think it will be useful data for comparison against Green's scans," Peridot replied. "For now, though, you're free to go. Just don't forget to visit Lapis."

Pink started to help Peridot remove the wires while Green asked, "So, how's my energy level?"

Peridot rolled her eyes, "Sorry to disappoint, but to be safe, you need to conserve your energy for at least another day. I'll need you both back for scans tomorrow."

Pink carried a pouting Green to Lapis' studio. Fortunately, the pouting turned to a big grin when Green set eyes on Lapis' work in progress. "Lapis, that looks amazing!"

Lapis turned from her sculpture and smiled, "Thank you, Green. You really like it?"

"I love it. It's looking amazing!" It was no more than half complete and involved carving stone as well as metal being incorporated. Lapis mentioned that Peridot helped some with that part. The overall theme was a metal-incorporating willow tree that was bursting out of the rock, among other aspects. 

++++++++++

At Bismuth's place, Green looked over Bismuth's plans for the bathroom. She was putting it into the base that held the warp pad. She planned display panels for the walls that would display live feed of each direction to make it feel like it was out in the garden. "That's such a cool idea! I love it!"

Once the plans were agreed on, Pink spoke up about adding a bathroom to the upstairs of their home. Bismuth had no objection and would put it in her to do list after coming up with a plan for how best to do that. 

Then, back home for lunch. After eating, they sat on the couch and talked. "We could work on planning your next exposure therapy," Pink suggested.

Green was sitting on the couch with his back leaning against Pink's side and holding one of Pink's hands prisoner. He was tracing the lines on Pink's hand with his finger, "I suppose. I've gotten better at being in public when there's lots of space but fewer people can stress me when a room feels crowded or outside if they're focusing on me." Green posed Pink's hand to just have his pointer finger extended and then tapped his own chin with Pink's finger as though he was deep in thought. "So we could do music outside or like maybe we could gather people in our bedroom and... um..." Green flattened Pink's hand and then held it to the side of his face while he tried to not start breathing too fast as he pictured a bunch of people crowded in their room and just staring at him. 

"It's okay," Pink stroked Green's face, soothingly, "Maybe we could get together a few people and play cards or a board game."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Green felt calmer at the thought, though still felt a knot in his stomach. "I think..." Green paused, as even the idea was making him nervous, "maybe..." he started thinking about what a stupid coward he was that he was being scared before even just saying his idea. 

"You know you're always safe with me."

Green kissed the palm of Pink's hand, "I know," he said and focused more on just tracing his finger along the edge of Pink's hand, "Maybe I could see Yellow," he forced out.

Pink's eyebrows raised, "Really?"

Green hugged Pink's arm, "I know you want me to eventually confront White and step one on that path is trying with Blue or Yellow and I think Yellow might be able to contain herself the best between her and Blue." Now that he'd at least gotten past saying it, he tried to let himself picture it going well and what that might involve. "I think it would have to be her coming here and maybe we'd be on the balcony so that she wouldn't seem as towering..." 

Pink pulled Green onto his lap, rubbing his back soothingly, "We don't have to rush into anything if you feel you're not ready."

Leaning against Pink, Green commented, "I know, but I also know I've gotta push myself to improve and not just stay in my comfort zone." Closing his eyes, Green continued, "Though, you are my best comfort zone and I'm never leaving that."

Pink just smiled holding Green close, "You're my comfort zone, too," and he felt love radiating from Green. 

They sat in quiet comfort for awhile, then Green decided to turn on the TV and just watch whatever was on. It was the news and it was just depressing story after depressing story. Pink took the remote out of Green's hand and changed the channel to cartoons and then pulled a teary Green into his chest. "The world is horrible." Green quietly commented. 

Stroking Green's back soothingly, Pink replied, "The news always focuses on uncommon and sensational things. That's not an accurate sampling of humanity."

Green shook his head and curled up on Pink's lap, feeling despair. "Everything is pointless and hopeless," Green couldn't stop crying. 

"No more news for you ever," Pink decreed as he stroked Green's back while Green continued to cry. Pink could tell that Green was trying unsuccessfully to stop crying. "It's all right to cry. Maybe it will help get some of the sadness out." As Pink cradled Green, Green tried to focus on the cartoons on the TV. "Would it help if I turned into the bear cub?"

"Maybe," Green answered so Pink set Green beside him on the couch and shifted into the bear cub and then climbed on Green's lap. Green wrapped his arms around the cub and squeezed him close while watching cartoons. Eventually, Green's still recovering energy level combined with the crying and then zoning out a bit to the TV caused Green to drift to sleep. Pink shifted back to his normal shape and carried Green to bed.


	32. Return of the Swarm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swarms... it's a funny word, isn’t it? Swarms.

Green found himself back on the cliff where he could see Pink floating away in the distance. The swarm was like a dark cloud surrounding him. It was obvious that the cloud was made up of millions or even billions of individual things too small to look like anything more than tiny moving dots. His view of Pink in the distance was obscured by the cloud fully engulfing him. 

He also was overwhelmed by the sound. Like a billion individual voices speaking all at once. At first just a few pieces were pulled from him, like a sampling taste. The swarm grew louder, the voices sounding angrier with some a chorus of wailing. They grabbed on to every part of him, each tearing a piece for itself. He screamed as every cell in his body was ripped apart.

Body still stinging from the assault, Green awoke gasping for breath with his throat sore from screaming. His eyes opened to Pink's worried face looking down at him with hands holding Green's shoulders. Green immediately reached up and wrapped his arms around Pink, burying his face in the crook of Pink's neck and his body shaking. Green felt Pink's arms returning the embrace, pulling him up to a seated position, murmuring comforting sounds in his ear and stroking his back. 

"Is he alright?" Pink and Green were both startled, looking towards their closed door to their bedroom where they could hear Pearl's voice from the other side. "I was in the kitchen and I heard screaming."

"You do not need to worry, Pearl. He is awake now and I am handling it."

"Ok, I'll be downstairs if you need me."

Green wasn't sure how long it had been since he awoke nor when his tears had started to fall, but slowly his shivering decreased and he was able to pull himself together enough to speak, "Pink... I don't want to fall back asleep..." he mumbled against Pink's neck. 

Still in an embrace, Green had pulled back enough to look in Pink's eyes, "The swarm pulled me apart again and I don't know why or even what they are." Green squeezed back close to Pink again. 

"The swarm..." Pink pulled back to look at Green again, "the dream where I..." Green closed his eyes and nodded. Pink pulled him close again, "And you don't know what caused it?" Green shook his head against Pink's shoulder. Pink shifted to sit with his back against the head board with Green on his lap. "It has only been a couple hours and you need more rest. Maybe if you fall asleep listening to my heartbeat you will have better dreams. That always makes you feel safe, right?" Green nodded, snuggling up more while Pink pulled the blanket to wrap around them. "I will keep you safe and if I get any sign you might be having another nightmare I will wake you up, okay?" Pink held Green, rubbing his back and humming soothing melodies as Green fell asleep. 

\---------

In the morning, Green awoke still in Pink's arms. 

Green looked into Pink's worried eyes and reached up a hand to run fingers through Pink's hair. Green didn't smile, but Pink could see his eyes were full of love. Pink kissed Green, then asked, "Was the rest of your sleep okay?"

"Yeah, thank you for keeping me safe."

"I'll always keep you safe," Pink replied before kissing Green. 

\------

While Green ate breakfast, Pink continued to watch him. He was trying not to be so obvious as just straight up staring. Green's screaming that night, and Green's behavior since waking, had Pink concerned and trying to figure out what exactly was feeling off to Pink about him.

Green paused with utensil halfway to his mouth and looked towards the door. A minute later, an excited Amethyst came skipping inside. "You're looking especially happy," Green commented before going back to eating. 

Amethyst came over and ruffled Green's hair, "I'm just excited because the zoo is planning to swing by so I can attend a party the amethysts are throwing tonight! You guys should come, too!"

"Are you sure you can invite us? Might the other amethysts just want only amethysts there?"

"Nah, Pink, it's just the amethysts throwing the party. It's not a party exclusive to amethysts. So whaddya say?"

Green eagerly replied, "We totally should go!"

Pink was concerned, "Aren't you concerned it will be too crowded for you?" He asked Green. 

Pink could then sense nervousness in Green, but Amethyst responded before Green could. "He'll be fine! He's hung with us all before and maybe a party is what he needs!" 

Pink felt Green's mood shift to excited. "Yeah! I'll be fine. Party!"

Deciding to keep further mention of his concerns to himself for the time being, Pink reminded Green, "We have to make sure to get a scan with Peridot today to check your energy levels."

"That's no problem, dude," Amethyst reassured him, "The party isn't for like hours from now. They expect to get here around 5 o'clock so you've got plenty of time."

Amethyst headed off to her room and Pink asked Green, "Are you feeling all right?"

Green looked at Pink, confused, "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"Just yesterday you had to calm yourself down about being in a room with several people and today you are ready to go to a party that is sure to be very crowded."

Green chewed his lip, thinking. Pink could feel anxiety growing in Green. Green started to panic breathe. "You're right. I'm not ready for a party. I don't know why I agreed to that." Green paused to calm his breathing, "I guess I was just caught up in Amethyst's enthusiasm."

Pink was withholding judgment until further data could be acquired. "In the meantime, let's just get to Peridot's place to get scanned."

"Okay, cool," Green agreed. 

\-----

Once again hooked up to a plethora of wires at Peridot's place, Peridot was surprised to see Green so subdued. "Has there been any expending of powers?"

"No, is something showing in the scan?" Pink asked.

"The data has just started processing. I was basing the theory on Green's more tired appearance. You didn't engage in carnal activities against recommendations, did you?"

"No, but Green did experience interrupted sleep last night due to a nightmare I could not wake him from."

"Hmm, interesting," Peridot commented as she touched Green's face and more closely examined it. She then went to her screens to review the incoming data. "Hmm..." Looking at the boys, she asked, "I'd like you to fuse and unfuse."

They fused, no longer having any hindrance to doing so. Steven then asked, "Are you detecting something worrisome?"

Peridot didn't make a move to attach wires to Steven. Instead, she commented, "No, nothing bad just... different.... Go ahead and unfuse now."

Doing as requested, Pink then asked, "Different in what way?" while Peridot worked to reattach the various wires.

"Different in a 'I need to compare this to several previous scans' type of way." Finishing attaching the wires, Peridot moved back to her screens before she continued, "I hadn't noticed this particular distribution shift of energy previously, as it was fairly slow and subtle, but it's more pronounced and I want to check my much earlier scans to see if I can detect when it started and how much has been affected."

"Is Green in danger?" Pink got right to his main concern. 

"Nothing I've seen indicates any sort of danger. It's more that I believe his body is continuing to grow and change into whatever form it is supposed to be. As I've mentioned before, human biology is much less efficient than gem, so it's difficult to be sure when he's reached whatever long-term stable form he is moving towards, especially since we have no certainty of what that form will be."

Trying to lighten things, for the group but also to try to stave off his own panic, "So my final form? Like maybe I'll grow wings or a tail or something?"

Peridot glared at Green, "I am talking on a cellular level. Nothing I've seen has suggested your exterior appearance will undergo any sort of drastic change."

"Ah, dang," Green commented. 

"Could it have anything to do with his having nightmares?" Pink asked. 

Peridot gave Pink an exasperated look, "How should I know? That is what your human doctor is for, isn't it?"

Pink just gave Peridot a stare. Fortunately, Pink was calm and just replied, "I will address it with the human doctor but it does not seem to me that it would be unreasonable to suspect a biological component is possible as well."

"Hmm... I suppose that is a possibility, however small that may be..." Peridot commented before adding, "For now, I'm going to need to review this so you're free to go for now. Come back for another scan tomorrow if I don't grab you for more later today."

Back home, and sat on the couch, Pink asked, "How are you feeling right now?"

Leaning against Pink, Green commented, "Honestly, right now I feel exhausted. Maybe I could take a nap if you don't mind? I could even do that down here if you want to watch TV."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, #yawn# I don't expect any problem falling asleep."

Wrapped up in a blanket on Pink's lap, Green napped until, "Ready to party?"

Green woke to Amethyst's exuberant outburst, and groggily replied while rubbing sleep out of his eyes, "Sorry Amethyst, but Pink and I talked and I don't think I'm ready for that level of socializing yet."

"Aw, c'mon man, it's been forever since you've freaked out and so much has changed since then! I bet you'd have fun and you're only making yourself worry because you're assuming bad things that won't happen."

If there was something Green couldn't stand, it was letting anyone down. Combined with feeling swept up in Amethyst's enthusiasm again, he found himself saying, "I guess we could go for a little bit, and if it's too much, we can just leave..."

"Exactly!" Amethyst agreed, taking Green's hand and dragging him upstairs. Pink just barely got a grip on Green's other hand and followed, afraid if he held in place that Amethyst's forward movement might pull Green in two. 

It seemed that Amethyst didn't want any chance at mind changing or Pink disagreeing because she was going her fastest speed (that didn't require her rolling into a ball) and making it too risky for Pink not to follow along quickly. She got them all the way onto the galaxy warp and the pause was just enough to assure both halves of Steven were on it before she activated the warp. 

The next thing Green knew, they were on the warp pad on the zoo ship. Fortunately, that was in a different room than where the party was taking place, so Green was not yet surrounded. Pink attempted to hold ground during the brief pause of arrival but, knowing Pink wouldn't risk Green being split in half, Amethyst just charged forward and forced Pink to continue to follow.

Green hadn't fully made the conscious decision, but at some point had closed his eyes. His legs hadn't been involved in the trip at all, as Amethyst moved too fast. The next thing he knew, he felt noise, arms and some sort of pressure in his head as the trio were swarmed by amethysts, rose quartzes and carnelians greeting them. His eyes opened, because his eyelids weren't any use against the other sensations surrounding him...

Crashing around him...

Swallowing him...

Crushing him...

And somehow at the same time tearing him apart.

In the cacophony of voices, one voice rose clear above the rest. One voice was screaming. Green was too busy feeling like his head was exploding to realize he was that voice. Even as the others quieted down, Green was collapsed on the floor with Pink protectively over him. Curled tightly into himself, his hands trying to prevent his head from bursting, as his mind felt itself ripped in all directions and he continued to scream.


	33. After the Party Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter, but figured better a short chapter than no update at all. Hopefully it's still enjoyable.

Pain.

Mental pain and the pain of the core of his self being torn apart.

Green couldn't even think of himself in first person, because he couldn't tell which one he was. He was just the scattering pain.

And worry.

And shock.

And concern and fear and surprise and confusion and anger and guilt and despair...

So many pieces.

And he was lost. Lost inside himself. Lost to the swirl that surrounded and filled him and made him unable to find a single patch of ground to stand on. 

Until...

Pink. The color glowed and filled his sight and he could see again. He could see a path. 

Pink's voice filled his ears and welcomed him to return to safety. To the world. To Pink. And the sound paved the path.

The feeling of Pink's warm comforting arms, and the vibrations they radiated, warmed his skin and he felt reality coalescing and reforming into a lifeline and he was able to travel along that path.

Pink's strawberry-tinged scent calmed him and helped him grab the right pieces along the path to add on to himself.

And he was returned. Brought along the lifeline that pulled him back to his other half. And he was home. He was with Pink. Green opened his eyes.

"Pink?" Green's awareness had returned and was catching up on figuring out his current status. He was wrapped in Pink's arms. He was safe. He was away from any crowd. He was safe. He could only hear Pink's humming the soothing tune he always defaulted to when Green was panicked. He was safe.

Lips pressed to his forehead and Green looked up into Pink's relieved, but still worried, eyes. Pink stroked a thumb on Green's cheek and said, "Welcome back, my love. I've got you. You're safe."

Exhausted eyes blinked closed as Green sighed, "I know," and felt sore muscles starting to unclench. His throat felt sore and his voice sounded hoarse to his ears. He tried to cooperate with relaxation, but some parts seemed determined to stay braced for another assault. He worked to focus on the sensation of being wrapped in Pink's embrace. 

Pink had returned to humming, stroking his back and swaying as Green soaked it in. His awareness had extended to the point where he reopened his eyes and realized they were next to the warp pad in The Garden. Green reached a hand up to thread fingers in Pink's hair. They both noted how unsteady his hand was. Green looked into Pink's eyes, noting the growing peace in them amidst the love and concern, while Pink saw the pain, fear and upset decreasing in Green. 

Pink wasn't yet pushing for words, and Green appreciated that. They both had parts of recent events that the other lacked and Green focused on trying to figure out his half so that he'd be able to share it with Pink. He remembered Amethyst dragging them to the warp pad and then things going downhill from there. Eyes still locked with Pink, Green used that stable place to further assemble the chaos that swirled inside himself. 

"We were on the warp platform on the zoo ship..." he began, while Pink nodded encouragement, "...and then we were swarmed and it was too much. Too much feelings and they didn't have room in my head." Exhaustion was kicking in and he was finding it more difficult to focus, "I... I'm... so... tired..." and he didn't even hear Pink's reply before he was asleep. 

\--------

Green woke feeling safe and, oddly, wrapped in a blanket of... concern? Worry? It wasn't so much that it was odd to feel either of those, as much as it was that he was pretty sure it wasn't his. He was accustomed to feeling a taste of Pink's feelings, like a sampling via their link, but this felt different. More encompassing. Like the difference between a bite and a 5-course meal. 

He knew he was on Pink's lap and Pink's arms were wrapped around him, with their familiar waves of comfort, love and home. It was one of his favorite things. Combined with Pink's humming, Green felt safe and cozy, but the second-hand worry... worried him. 

Opening his eyes, Green looked at Pink and smiled. They were in their bedroom, sitting on their bed and Green looked in Pink's worried face and smiled. "You're so cute when you're worried," Green said, watching Pink's features already starting to relax from his tone. 

"You're cute all the time."

"I know. It's a burden I must live with," Then Green shifted to a more serious tone, "I'm not sure what happened. I felt like everything was too intense, like I was drowning." He broke eye contact and burrowed into Pink, "I think we need to see Peridot to see what my brain is doing because I think..." Green struggled to describe what he felt, landing on, "I think something in my mind... broke..." Green felt how their link wasn't the only thing that was letting Green know how much that increased Pink's worry. 

Pink got them to Peridot's without a problem, carrying Green in directly to the platform and sitting down before calling out to see if Peridot was around. A groggy looking Peridot walked into the room, looking irritated, "I was sleeping. Don't you know it's the middle of the night? What do you want?"

Green didn't say anything, so Pink answered, "Something happened and Green thinks there may be an issue with his brain."

Peridot became more alert immediately. "His brain?" Peridot came up to the platform, "What happened?"

Green chewed his lip, "I don't know." Then Green gasped as a thought occurred to him, "Pink! It was like that dream, except you didn't leave me!"

Pink replied, "The swarm?"

Green shivered at the memory, "At first it was like I was being crushed by all the people but then I was ripped into so many little pieces. And it was also like everyone climbed into my head and it was gonna explode because it was too full."

While Green was talking, Peridot was attaching wires to both of them. They'd been hooked up so many times that Pink was helping because he knew where they all went. 

Peridot asked, "So you were being crushed but also almost exploding while being ripped into tiny pieces?"

Pink squeezed Green harder against his chest, "That helps explain all the screaming."

"Did I scream a lot?" Green asked. He felt guilty for worrying Pink. "I just remember all the pain and confusion and like I was losing myself."

Pink rubbed Green's back, "Yeah, through our link I felt an echo of that, too. And I couldn't think of anything to do except to get you away from everyone. As soon as I did, you started calming down."

"I'm sorry," Green replied. He lifted his head up to look at Pink and then kissed him.

"You don't have anything to apologize for, I just wish I could've been more help."

"You were, though." At Pink's confusion, Green clarified, "Okay, so no pun intended, but you are my rock." Despite the warning, Green did give a slight grin as he continued, "You were my anchor and my lighthouse. You were how I found myself and the platform I stood on to piece myself back together and find my way back."

Pink's eyes got teary, and his voice had an emotional waver to it as Pink said, "I don't even know what to say to that," and then he pulled Green into a kiss full of the intensity of everything he was feeling at that moment. 

When Pink finally pulled back and looked at Green, "That said it pretty clearly, actually," Green commented with a contented sigh.

"If you could forego the romantics until you leave here, I'd like to focus on 'crushed, exploding and ripped to tiny pieces' issue," Peridot interjected, regaining their attention. 

Green suddenly had a startled look on his face. "Peridot, you're worried," said Green. 

"No, I'm not!"

"I'm sure you are."

Hitting a couple switches, Peridot insisted, "I'm not worried! I am just curious as to the nature of your episode."

Green took Pink's hand and carefully got off his lap and carefully stepped closer to Peridot, who started to protest that he should move back to where he'd been, but Green put a hand on her to stop her and get her to face him, "No, I mean, I can ***feel*** that you're worried."

The room suddenly seemed very still as time felt like it paused a moment. Then Peridot's eyes widened, "Are you saying you have a new power?"

"If you're actually worried and I'm not wrong about that, then yes, I think I'm saying that."

Peridot just blinked at him, " I mean I am... concerned... as to what your symptoms are from and whether or not I'll be able to detect it with my current set-up."

Green carefully moved back onto Pink's lap. He looked at Pink, "I know you are worried but didn't mention it because I always would've been able to tell that. Though I may be feeling it more strongly than before." Green placed a hand on the side of Pink's face, "You worry more than me and that's an impressive achievement," and gently kissed Pink. 

Pink gave a small smile, "Well, you are 99% what I worry about, so you do keep me busy."

"Well, I don't like you having to worry, but I guess at least I'm not dull yet."

"I don't think you could pull off dull if you wanted to."

"Flatterer."

"If you two are done with your lovey dovey talk, you can try to actively sense what I'm feeling right now so that I can see if it shows up on my equipment."

"I don't know if I can use it on purpose. I think it's just like hearing, but not sound."

"Don't assume. Try to use it before you decide you can't," Peridot admonished. 

Green tried to see if he could intentionally sense something. He focused on Peridot, and tried to "listen" with his mind. "All I'm sensing is that I'm getting a headache."

Peridot then shooed Pink and Green out and told them to continue daily visits for scans. .

They arrived back home via the warp pad from Little Homeworld. Amethyst was sitting on the couch. She stood and walked toward them as Pink stepped off the warp pad carrying a still exhausted Green. Glancing at Green, Amethyst then looked at Pink, "Is he gonna be okay?"

Before Pink could answer, Green turned to her and said, "I'll be fine, Amethyst. Don't worry about it."

"But I-"

"It's not your fault... and I'm sorry if I ruined the party." Green burrowed his face into Pink's chest while mentally asking the universe for Amethyst to walk away.

Green didn't see the look Pink gave Amethyst as she replied, "You didn't ruin anything... uh.... just drop me a text if you need anything..." and she warily walked away, making a mental note to herself to not blow off Pink's objections in the future.

Standing beside the couch, Pink asked, "It's pretty late, and we've got therapy tomorrow, so what do you think about going to bed for the night?"

Green yawned and agreed to that plan.


	34. Angry and Sex-Starved is Not a Fun Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions continue to annoy

Waking up, Green looked into Pink's watching eyes. Green felt guilty that he was pretty sure Connie hadn't gotten much, if any, dream time with Pink for the last week. Green also felt sort of like a chewed up piece of gum, but wasn't sure what might help change that. So instead, he smiled at Pink, but it didn't reach his eyes, and commented, "I've been getting exhausted from feelings lately, so my body decides to find a way for me to have even more. Are you ready to agree yet that my brain hates me?"

Pink pet Green's head, appreciating the way Green's eyes closed and his face grew more relaxed from it. "Your brain doesn't hate you. If anything, I'd think sensing others' feelings seems like a skill you've always had. Steven's empathy has always been from you."

"Then doesn't that mean I'm to blame for like 80% of the trouble we get into as Steven?"

"No. I'd say our mother is 80 to 90 percent the cause and then the remaining is from your empathy. So, barely any of it. Just like my logic and reasoning is at least 70% of why we miss out on some fun things, because I worry and over analyze."

"But you're so cute when you have your analyzing expression."

"I have an analyzing expression?"

"It's when you look the most like an android. Like a sexy android."

"Am I learning some new fetish of yours."

"Oh, analyze me, baby! Calculate some algebra for me, sexpot!"

"..."

"That face is adorable, too."

"Do I have a face that you don't find adorable?"

"Oh, sure. You have plenty of those. There’s your nagging me face, your 'I'm right, you're wrong' face, your..."

"Okay, I get it. Let's stop there so we don't end up in a fight."

"How about we stop that by you having lots of sex with me right now before I go crazier? I'm pretty sure all this pent up sexual frustration isn't helping either of us.

"We will make sure to ask Peridot when we get scanned later today."

Green got a pensive look, "I've been thinking... once Bismuth has finished The Garden's bathroom and Peridot says we can have sex again, maybe we could take a long weekend to stay there alone? Just 3 days with only our emotions and nobody else around to spark anything more. Could we do that?"

"I think we can do that," Pink smiled. 

"And maybe we could bring stuff to record the before video footage of The Garden... in between the massive amount of sex I'm going to demand from you."

Fake dramatically, Pink replied, "I'm more than just a sexy piece of man meat, you know."

"Yeah, you're MY sexy piece of man meat and don't you forget it! My body is going into withdrawal from your dick and it's your fault for having such addictive sexy skills. In the words of Ke$ha: your love is my drug."

Pink growled, "Don't torment me with your teasing. You know I'm just as addicted to you wrapped around my dick, one way or another. I'm just as eager as you are to get Peridot's go ahead. In fact, when we get the all clear, I might not even make it back home and might have to take you right there."

Green groaned as he couldn't help himself picturing that, "Oh stars, we gotta stop talking about this now or I'm gonna be unable to do anything today. I think we need a refreshing shower before breakfast."

After a brisk shower and breakfast, Greg came and drove them to the first of their two Dr Hashman appointments for the week. 

Entering the office and sitting in their usual way, Dr Hashman commented, "Well, first off, you two are looking much better together than you were when last I saw you. Have you seen that couple's therapist I recommended?"

"We actually have our first appointment scheduled with her tomorrow," replied Pink. 

Green then relayed an overview of events since the last appointment, along with commentary until getting to, "But another problem with this new power is that I don't think it has stabilized yet because it seems to fluctuate in strength. I can't just feel other people emotions, it's that sometimes it's hard to tell if an emotion is mine or just someone nearby feeling something stronger than whatever mild emotion I might have at the same time. I haven't had too many incidents yet. As much as the party event was horrible, I've otherwise just had getting swept up in other people's excitement and worry mostly."

"Well, I can see how that would add an unwanted extra complication to things. Have you started working on ways to try to distinguish your feelings from others?"

"No, but Pink would have to help because I don't always notice. Like when I thought I wanted to go to the party, but then Pink asked if I was sure after Amethyst wasn't there and I realized I didn't want to go."

"Perhaps the couples counselor might have suggestions as well, tomorrow. For now, maybe we could talk about how your exposure therapy is going?"

"It's going fine."

"Any further details? Do you have plans for your next step? Obviously, regardless of your new ability, a party of the size of the recent event would have been pushing yourself too much too fast. At least, that's my opinion based on your progress to this point."

"We were thinking of holding a card game or doing a board game in our bedroom. We thought it might be a good step for a crowded- feeling room but with focus not 100% directly only on him," offered Pink. 

"And Green, how do you feel about that plan, and do you expect you'll be doing that before our next appointment?

"..." Green was slow to answer, "What does it matter?"

"Green," Pink spoke in a worried tone. 

"What else is in this building besides you?" Green asked

Dr Hashman wasn't expecting that question, "This building is just entirely the practice I share with several colleagues. Why?"

"Are they seeing people right now? And also maybe people in the waiting room?"

"I don't know their exact schedules but most likely, yes, there are plenty if patients in this building."

Green took one of Pink's hands, laid one hand on his palm and then held that hand with the other and said, "Hold my hands for a bit, please. Not too loosely; squeeze a bit."

Though confused, Pink did as was asked and held both of Green's hands in his much larger hand, then asked, "What's going on?"

Green tucked his head under Pink's chin and said in a strained voice, "I **really** need to hurt myself right now."

Alarmed, both Pink and the doctor asked, "Why?"

Green shook his head, still pressed up against Pink, "I don't... I don't think it's... it's really me this time. But I can't tell for sure and it's growing stronger and I... I'm not sure what I'm about to do."

Addressing Pink, the doctor asked, "Do you think it's from the empathy causing him to feel things from the other patients?"

"It seems the most likely. I think we're going to need to cut this appointment short, doctor." 

"Of course," the doctor stood to walk out with them as Pink carried Green, "I know you'll take good care of him."

Greg was surprised to see them out earlier than usual, as well as how Pink was holding Green's hands and carrying him, but Pink shook his head to indicate not to ask questions yet. When they got to the car, Pink leaned against it, still holding Green in one arm and his hands in the other. "Talk to me, Green Bean."

A little bit of a tension lessening sigh, "It's not as bad out here. Thank you."

"Do you feel safe enough to have your hands back?" Green nodded and Pink released Green's hands and Greg unlocked the car. Then, Greg got into the driver's seat and Pink used his free hand to open the other door and sat sideways in the passenger seat so that he could set Green on his lap. With an arm around Green, he used his free hand to tilt Green's head up to make eye contact, "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I'm not 100% sure, but I was trying to be more cooperative and force myself to relax my guard somewhat, and I think I opened up something letting more nearby stuff to get in."

"I think we need to have you practice trying to purposefully adjust how much you can sense."

"I agree, and step one will be figuring out what I need to do to affect it at all. I'll need to practice with someone else because our link makes it hard to tell which is the link and which is the new power."

They got up and both got in the back seat and Greg drove them home. Upon getting out of the car, Green commented, "To start, I think I need to practice with someone very emotive."

"Hey, Pearl..."

\-------

"So what do I need to do?" Pearl asked as she sat on one of the kitchen stools facing the couch. 

Green was seated on the couch beside Pink, who had an arm around him, "Think about something that makes you feel an emotion strongly. But don't say anything and I'm not going to look at you so that I'm not relying on visual cues or anything except my empathy. When you feel like you're feeling strongly, give Pink a thumbs up or something and he can tell me we're good to go. "

"Ok, I'll try..."

While waiting to hear the go ahead, Green closed his eyes and focused on trying to distinguish Pink from anyone else he was feeling. It was helpful that he could feel Pink radiating calm. He tried to put that feeling in one corner of his mind and then try to focus on anything outside of it. He felt a pleasant contented feeling and was wondering if it could be Pearl until Lion came to rub up against him and Pink. "Hey, Lion. I felt you coming." Keeping his eyes closed, Green rubbed his face up against Lion's, "I'm glad you're feeling so content today. It feels as nice as your soft fur." A rough tongue kiss on his face and Lion walked out of reach to nap. 

"Pearl's ready," Pink said. 

"Ok," Green tried to open up to feel what he could sense outside of Pink and Lion. It actually kind of felt like it hit him because, in contrast to the two calm and content minds he'd already identified, he felt a hit of anger practically slap him. "Is she angry?"

Green felt confusion from Pink, who replied, "Um... are you sensing anger?"

"Yeah, it's actually feeling like it's getting more intense and-" 

Amethyst came stomping in the front door, "Aargh! Why are the Diamonds so stupid?!"

"What's wrong?" Pink asked her. 

"I'll tell you what's wrong! The Diamonds still think they know what's best for everyone no matter what anyone else says! It's so stupid!" Green still had his eyes closed, his hand unconsciously squeezing Pink's arm as he tried to block out the anger that was starting to overwhelm him as Amethyst stomped to within a few feet of them, "Yellow was offering to make me bigger so that it would be, in her words, 'less obvious' that I'm defective! Can you believe that bitch?!"

Green was trying to figure out how to push back enough to not be overwhelmed by Amethyst's anger, but it was seemingly something that would require more practice. He started to feel the anger consuming him and reaching deep within him to connect with, and ignite, his own semi-dormant anger and grow inside his mind until...

...he realized Pink was restraining him and Green had been punching himself in the legs. 

Amethyst could be heard in the background apologizing while Pink was speaking soothingly to Green, while continuing to restrain him, "You're ok. They're not your emotions. I've got you."

Green stopped struggling, horrified, "I'm sorry... I... I broke my promise..."

Pink loosened his grip to scoop Green onto his lap to hug him and stroke his hair, "No, you promised not to do it intentionally. I know this wasn't intentional."

Amethyst came closer, "Dude, I'm so sorry. I had no idea something like that would happen." Tears started streaming down Green's face, "Are you gonna be all right?

"I think..." Green wiped away tears, but more kept coming, "I think you feeling bad is adding to my feeling bad about my failure and is making it worse."

"I'm sorry, dude. What can I do to help?

Pink spoke at the same time, "What do you need?"

"I need to get away from people so I can try to figure out which feelings are mine." As soon as Green spoke, Lion came over and Pink got them both on Lion to be ported away. 

Lion took them to Rose's private armory. Pink got them off of Lion's back and sat cross legged on the floor, and put Green on his lap, "Feeling better?"

Green burrowed his face into Pink's chest, "Give me a minute, please."

"Of course," Pink replied, rubbing Green's back with one hand and his hair with the other while humming his calming tune. 

Green took several deep breaths and tried to focus on Lion's feelings of calm right beside them. He didn't focus on Pink because, despite trying to project calm, he was worried. Green tried to pull the calm toward himself, trying to treat it like a mental blanket to warm and comfort his mind. He relaxed and slumped more against Pink. "I appreciate you trying to be calm, but I can't help but know you worry. And it's okay. I'm okay now."

Green could feel Pink relaxing as well, "I wasn't prepared for you to get overwhelmed like you did." Pink stroked the side of Green's face as he looked into Green's eyes, "I wasn't sure what to do. I don't know what I should do if it happens again."

"When. We've got to be realistic and realize it's probably **when** , not if, it happens again. I mean, I don't want it to, but there's a steep learning curve to this new power. It's not like a muscle I can flex or anything. Before I can try to refine it and make it useful, I've got to figure out if there's some on/off switch or at least a dimmer switch to it and how to work it. And I've got no idea how to even figure that out. And I've still got all my own issues and-"

Pink cut him off with a kiss, and he didn't end the kiss until he got a contented sigh from Green and felt his body relax even more. "One step at a time. You said it's when and not if, so let's make a plan so I'll know what to do ****when**** it happens again."

Green smiled at Pink, "Ok. Got any suggestions?"

Pink gave a sheepish smile in return, "I'm really hoping that you do."

"Well to start... um... when I got overwhelmed there's a gap where I felt like a wave of rage coming down on me and then the next thing I knew was you were restraining me and my legs hurt. How much time was it between my... flipping out and when I was self aware again?"

Pink thought a moment, mentally going back to the incident to more thoroughly assess it, "I think there's two parts to your return to yourself. You managed to punch your legs twice before I was able to restrain you. And you were struggling at the same time that Amethyst noticed and reacted to how her anger was affecting you. She seemed to shift from angry to worried as soon as she had that realization, so I think that's likely when her contribution towards rage stopped. It was at least a minute from that when you stopped struggling. I don't know if that was a delay in the new input of her guilt to reach you or for the anger you'd received to finish burning or some other explanation for the minute-long delay."

"Hmm," Green was absent-mindedly tracing random patterns on Pink's chest with a finger as he thought, "Part of the difficulty is a portion of the anger was mine..." he tried to clamp down on the feelings of shame that brought out, but knew Pink was likely sensing it nonetheless. "So it's not just input from other sources but also the degree of my matching feelings as well. So... maybe I'd need to practice with sensing emotions from someone that can make themself feel emotions I don't also have? Or..." he tried to think of something else so he wouldn't have to try to figure out what emotions he didn't have, because that would mean paying attention to the ones he did, "Maybe the emotions themselves shouldn't be adapted, but the location. I think we need to have one other, non-linked, person with us and be somewhere with nobody else possibly around to taint it."

"I definitely agree that a more controlled setting is priority for any future practice. And first priority definitely learning to control the strength of your sensing."

"On an unrelated note... could we maybe check with Peridot and get our scan... ?" Green snuggled up to Pink's chest and looked up at Pink lustily, "I'm still thinking I could benefit from some... stress relief..."

Pink grinned, feeling better about Green's status, and turned to Lion, "Hey, buddy, could you take us to Peridot's place, please?"

After an extended yawn and stretch, Lion cooperated with getting them to their destination. 

Arriving at Peridot's place, they wasted no time drawing Peridot's attention and Pink started attaching the wires before Peridot was even in the room. 

"Eager, are you?"

"Green has had two additional incidents." Peridot went wide eyed at the news, moving with more purpose. 

"And yes, we also want you to say we can have sex because, even if you don't, I'm going to figure out a way to seduce Pink beyond reason because I'm a male in my prime and I have needs." Peridot eye-rolled at that, so Green added, "You try having your mind overwritten with someone else's emotions multiple times and see if you don't find yourself seeking whatever the gem equivalent of endorphins is."

Peridot did get a more sympathetic expression at that and said, "I think your body is still trying to rebuild your energy levels, BUT," she gestured for Green to let her finish, "I believe you have sufficient energy for organic things like that provided you do not use any of your at-will powers." Green smiled at Peridot, "Do we have agreement?"

"Yes," Green smiled brightly. Even Pink couldn't help himself giving Green a happy squeeze. 

Peridot, looking at the readings, "I believe the odd energy readings I'd observed previously were a pre indicator of the manifestation of Green's empathic powers. I've added scans for moderate energy redistribution to both Green and Connie's scan settings to hopefully alert us in advance if a new power is incoming in the future."

Pink and Green weren't as interested as they might normally be due to flirting back and forth via their link. 

Peridot continued watching the data while she contemplated put loud, "These energy readings have given me an idea for a possible way I might be able to help you, but it will take at least a few days and there might be adjustments required to get it precisely right." As soon as the scan completed, Peridot dismissed them and she went to work reading the data and making calculations. They were gone while she was still telling them they could leave.


	35. First Couples Therapy Appointment

Despite an awesome amount of sex, Green didn't sleep well due to worrying about their first couples therapy appointment the coming day. Upon waking for the third time that night, Green decided to scroll through social media on his phone for a bit to see if he might take his mind off things as well as let himself get more tired instead of just laying with his thoughts. Pink was asleep beside him. Connie was finally getting some time with Pink.

So many people with strong political opinions quickly drove him off social media. He next tried news sites but they were just piles of bad news, so he decided to read some fiction. Fiction, where there's the possibility of happy things actually happening. 

Green read a couple fan fictions that he followed that had recently updated. He especially enjoyed My Hero Academy dabihawks stories (picturing Pink as Hawks in his mind and thinking about asking him to sometime shape shift some wings and how he'd probably look like a sexy angel. Even though he then thought of himself as the villain-in-love Dabi, there were particular piercings of Dabi's often mentioned in stories that he also wanted to ask Pink to try in bed.), and Bleach Grimmichi fan fictions. (But he especially loved Bleach fan fictions that had Ichigo with an internal voice sharing his head. He sometimes would share bits with Pink sometimes where he'd grin and say things like, "Boy, I sure do sympathize with Ichigo right here... those voices in you head can be so annoying...")

Usually, getting lost in fiction helped him calm down and forget his problems for a bit; he tried to avoid any that didn't promise a happy ending, but sometimes he accidentally read a story that wasn't. Unfortunately, he came across one of those this night and ended up crying himself back to sleep. In the morning, he decided maybe reading the sad ones might actually be a good idea sometimes because he'd managed to sleep well for the rest of the night. 

Unfortunately, upon waking, Pink could tell Green had been crying hours earlier. "It's nothing. I just read a sad story last night and it helped me fall asleep."

"You weren't reading when we went to bed." Pink looked suspicious, "Did you wake up from a nightmare?"

"No nightmare. I was just having trouble staying asleep."

"Why?"

"Why do you have to be all up in my business? Can't I just decide to do some reading without getting interrogated about it?"

Since they were having a couple's appointment that day, Pink decided not to press the issue further. Instead, "Try to be on guard at our appointment until we can be sure about if you're in any danger of surrounding emotions overtaking you."

"Of course." 

At their appointment, Dr Tasha Llewellyn introduced herself as their couples counselor as Pink and Green sat side by side on the couch facing her. 

"So I've gotten a briefing about a few things like you can't be separated due to biological reasons so we will either not bother with any solo appointments or we'll do something like have one of you wear ear plugs or something. This appointment is mainly to establish a starting point to gage future progress to as well as to triage the problems in your relationship. To start, how about each of you define for me what you consider your biggest priority issues that we should focus on first."

Green looked at Pink to see if he was going to start, but Pink gestured for Green to go first. Still salty from their morning disagreement, "Pink can be bossy and will even take advantage of my being weaker to get his way. He also is so damn nosey that I can't do much as sneeze without him demanding to know the cause of it. And since we can't physically separate, when either of us get mad at each other, it often escalates much more than it would for a normal couple because we can't even get any space between us to cool off." Green finished by crossing his arms and not looking at Pink. 

"Is this about the crying? I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned that you were crying."

Green was about to offer a rebuttal when Dr Llewellyn cut him off to address Pink, "How about we table that for now, Pink, and you tell me what you think are the priority issues in your relationship?"

With one final glare toward Green, Pink then turned his attention to the doctor, "Green has self destructive tendencies that necessitate a watchful eye. He can be irrational and overly emotional to his or our detriment. He's overly secretive and won't even talk to me about experiences we went through together; not just getting him to talk about it, it's also that I'm not allowed to talk about it at all. For example, he won't even consider talking with me about when we were first separated."

"What is there to possibly still talk about that?" Green piped in, irritably. Pink just gestured to the Dr as if declaring exhibit A.

"All right, and if you both were told you could only be helped with one thing and won't be helped for anything else, what would that one thing be?"

Pink answered, "De-escalation of arguments."

At the same time, Green said, "Cutting off the build up of an argument before we bite each other's heads off."

Dr Llewellyn smiled, "Well, it looks like you are in agreement about something. So, let's start with learning some things to help with that." She looked at them both and didn't see any objections, so she continued, "The first thing, you want to try is using more 'I' statements versus 'you' statements. Instead of 'You don't listen' you would say 'I don't feel heard'. Also, you'll want to avoid words like 'always' and 'never' unless it truly is accurate. For example, you wouldn't want to say 'I never get my way' unless you 100% of the time don't. Otherwise, it would be better to say something like 'I rarely get my way' or 'I feel my ideas aren't often given sufficient consideration'." She paused a moment to let them absorb that, "I'm not claiming these are magic 'everything is now perfect' actions, but in the heat of a disagreement, they are less likely to feel like attacks and therefore less likely to ramp up tensions even further. Green, would you be willing to try to rephrase your relationship concerns with those tips in mind?"

Part of Green wanted to say screw this whole thing and forget that he'd agreed to do this. Already the advice sounded so dumb and pointless... but he also remembered how stupid he thought the calm down method from his first Dr Hashman appointment was, and it had helped him several times since then. He also, begrudgingly, could feel via the link how sincerely Pink was hoping this would help. _*Dammit, the more I want to not care about this, the more I'm being made to care. This is such bullshit.*_

Green closed his eyes, took a slow deep breath in and out, and then opened his eyes and looked at the counselor, "I feel..." _*clamp down on the irritation, Green*_ , "I feel that I am... often at the mercy of forces outside my control and... lacking the autonomy I'd grown accustomed to while growing up. I also... feel like I went from having at least some degree of privacy, to now... feeling I am expected to lay most of my thoughts bare to the point where I feel... practically expected to just speak all my thoughts aloud."

"Very good, Green," she smiled and then looked at Pink, "Pink, your turn."

Pink had a much better ability to internally play and edit words before speaking, so his redo of grievances came out much more smoothly than Green's did, "I frequently feel worried that Green might revert to more self destructive inclinations and I will lose him. I feel that logic should more frequently be applied to situations to improve chances of resolution over the less efficient results often achieved via emotional reactions. I have fears and worries stemming from things we have gone through and feel unable to resolve those feelings when rarely given an outlet to work through them."

"Pink, that is very good as well. It seems the two of you are naturals at this when you put your minds to it." She paused and waited to see them both show a hint of a smile at the compliment before she continued, "Now, Pink, I'll have you start with the next step. What you need to do is take what Green said and reflect back to him his concerns in your own words so that he can know you understand what is concerning to him right now."

Pink preferred more time to precisely phrase his words, so he wasn't as smooth this time, "Green feels he lacks the control over his life that was afforded to him prior to our split. Also, he feels like his every thought is expected to be on display."

"Green, does that sound like an accurate interpretation?" At Green's affirmative response, the Dr asked Pink, "Is there anything that you believe you could do to help with any of those issues, Pink?"

Pink wasn't expecting an immediate follow up. He'd assumed the next action would be Green's turn to interpret his words. _*It appears I do not yet understand this process sufficiently to anticipate each next step.*_ He did not like feeling unable to anticipate things to at least some degree. And therefore, he didn't like the feeling of not having sufficient time to go over several permutations of possible solutions to suggest. "I... We could vote on every decision? No, wait, that would be resulting in frequent stalemate... Perhaps, we could decide to only act when we have consensus or... at least for decisions that require us both to act..."

Seeing he was struggling, Green offered, "Maybe just make me feel like you are at least considering my ideas before you decide your way is best?" 

"Pink, is that something you think you could try to keep in mind in the future?" Dr Llewellyn asked. 

"I am willing to make an effort to do that, however I can't promise how effective I will be at it." 

_Dr Llewellyn looked at Green, "Now, it's your turn to interpret Pink's concerns into your own words."_

__

__

Green so didn't want to do this. He'd already started trying to in his head and he didn't like how he was making it sound like reasonable things he should try for, especially now that he knew he'd likely have the follow up of being expected to come up with potential solutions. "He's worried I'll off myself or damage myself because he knows I still want to do both. He thinks I'm too emotional for decision making and not as good at it as him with his logic. And he wants me to let him talk to me about all the crap I don't want to ever talk about." He regretted how bitter he sounded. He knew he wasn't helping his case, but he just knew that this was going on a path where he was going to get forced to do more things he didn't want to do. 

Without commenting on Green's tone, the doctor turned to Pink, "Pink, would you consider that an accurate reinterpretation of your list?" 

"It has Green's... flavor to it, but it encompasses my concerns." 

"And Green, can you suggest possible solutions to those issues?" 

Green replied, "I... I already promised not to hurt myself. I can't do more than that. I'm emotional and now I'm emotional with the addition of empathic powers giving me even more emotions, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. And the third thing, I could put ear plugs in and he can talk about all that crap with whoever he wants." He knew the doctor was likely noting somewhere that he was the cause of all the problems in the relationship. _*Ugh, I hate that I agreed to go to this.*_

Pink didn't like the mood he was feeling from Green through their link, "Do you think you might be reacting to emotions from someone else?" 

"No, I think I'm just regretting that I agreed to this. All the problems would be solved if you just let me kill myself," Green had his arms crossed and was turned slightly away from Pink, though they still had physical contact where they sat on the couch. 

"Green..." 

"Green, are you saying you'd prefer to kill yourself rather than go through couples counseling?" Dr Llewellyn asked. 

Leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, and not looking at anyone, Green elaborated, "He worries I'll hurt myself and I've promised not to do it on purpose and I can't control it beyond that unless you're going to suggest he keep me in a straight jacket 24/7. I'm too emotional, well I had a way to not have emotions and he made me stop so how about I just abdicate all decision making to him since I can't be trusted, and as for talking about our past..." Green's tirade was cut off because Pink scooped him up and put him in his lap and pulled him into his chest. 

"Just breathe for me, Green Bean. Please, just breathe." 

Green felt his heartbeat throbbing in his head, his muscles clenching and his teeth grinding. He tried to focus on the comfort of burrowing into Pink like how he'd been comforted by him so many times before. 

Everyone jumped slightly as a fierce woman on a Pink lion suddenly came through a portal. Jumping off Lion, Connie ran to Pink and Green and wrapped her arms around both. "What's happening? I was feeling so much intensity I made Lion rush me here." 

"And you are?" Dr Llewellyn asked, trying to recover from the shock. 

"This is Connie. She's the third person of our thruple," explained Pink. 

"Green, what's wrong?" Connie asked. 

"Can we please try to maintain some level of order? Perhaps Connie could sit on the couch with you?" 

Connie hesitantly sat on the couch, keeping a hand resting on Green's back. The other holding one of Pink's hands. 

Green's hands were tightly gripping Pink's shirt and his body was trembling. 

"Green, can you tell us what you're thinking right now, please?" Dr Llewellyn asked. 

Green mumbled something against Pink's chest, "That's not true!" Pink argued. 

"What did he say?" asked the doctor. 

"He says that he's the cause of all our relationship problems and that I should leave him." 

"Green, it sounds like you are saying that you'd rather kill yourself or break up with Pink rather than do the work to improve your relationship." The doctor noticed Green pulling from Pink's chest enough to look at her as she spoke, "Is that really the choice you want?" 

Letting go of Pink with one hand, and using that hand to wipe the tears from his own face, Green then looked at the doctor. After a moment of looking at her thoughtfully, he replied to her, "No." He tilted his head against Pink's chest, but kept his eyes on the doctor, "But I'm not able to be what he needs, what either of them needs." 

"Why do you feel that way?" she asked. 

Green looked confused at first, but then appeared thoughtful before responding, "I'm too emotional. It makes me hard to deal with. It makes me prone to bad decisions and it is why I don't want to talk about things they want me to talk about." His voice was that of a man defeated. 

"You mentioned you had a way to... stop emotions?" The doctor had a questioning tone. 

Green didn't rush to respond, so Pink clarified, "Not too long ago, Green had a disassociative episode and then later tried to recreate the separation from emotions he had experienced from it." 

"I see," the doctor replied, "So, Green, are you essentially saying you can do overabundance of emotion or complete lack but not a moderated amount between the two extremes?" 

Green sagged into Pink, still holding Pink's shirt in a clenched fist. He closed his eyes and explained, "Just like my empathy, I feel like I have an on/off switch, not a dimmer switch." 

"We are trying to discover if his empathy ability has a dimmer switch," Pink offered. 

"You have an appointment with Dr Hashman tomorrow correct?" At Pink's affirmative response, she continued, "I recommend that tomorrow you inquire with him about helping with controlling emotional responses and then use the week until our next appointment to get some practice with it so that we can try talking again next week. Would that be agreeable to the both of you?" 

Green nodded against Pink's chest so Pink responded for the two of them, "That sounds like the best plan, yes. Thank you, doctor." Connie left via Lion and Pink carried Green out and Dr Llewellyn placed a call to Dr Hashman to prepare him. 


	36. Green is a Work in Progress

Greg worried about how quiet his boys were for the drive home and how Green just stayed with his face burrowed into Pink's chest. Upon reaching home, Connie arrived on Lion, after checking in with her mother about helping Pink with Green's current crisis. 

For the sake of privacy, they gathered on the bed in the locked bedroom. There was a brief span of quiet while it was hoped that Green would speak. When it became clear that Green wasn't going to cooperate, Connie spoke, "I think that if Green could get a better handle on his own emotional volatility that it will help him to have a better handle on his empathic abilities as well."

Pink agreed and added, "The difficult part, of course, is getting Green on board with the plan and figuring out how best we can support him through it."

They knew Green was not a big fan of when they would talk about him like he wasn't there. The unspoken plan between Pink and Connie was to get Green to a point where his irritation would overpower his reticence to cooperate. 

That is not to suggest that the things they said were solely to provoke Green, they were also making an honest effort to problem solve. 

"I know you're going to talk about this with Dr Hashman tomorrow, but I think it shouldn't just be waiting for him to solve it. It's better if you at least come in with some ideas or, better yet, some practice of those ideas."

Pink had been thinking about the issue to some degree for awhile, "I have wondered if the technique we were taught for negating panic attacks might be viable as an option. It helped with Green's extreme anger once and I wonder if it could be applied more frequently and for a wider range of emotions."

"Hmmm, I see what you mean conceptually, but I'm not clear on how it would be implemented."

"You want me to just randomly start calling out five things I can see, etc, any time I start feeling emotional?" Green's tone conveyed the disdain he felt for the idea, but Pink and Connie still took it as a win because they'd gotten him to engage in the conversation. 

Without drawing Green's attention to that fact, Connie just responded, "If that is what we mean, what would be wrong about trying that?"

"Well, first of all, which emotions do I do it for? And if I'm getting emotional, how will I remember to do that each time?"

"Well, in answer to the second question, I'll remind you. As for the first, I'd say anything in the category of upset."

"Why can't brains just have handy buttons and knobs instead of stupid trial and error to figure out mental games to try to trick the brain into cooperating?" Green asked it rhetorically, since he knew none of them had any answer. 

"Any other ideas you want to add to the list to try if you are correct and that option doesn't help?"

Green was now fully facing Connie as his legs were on top of her lap and he was leaning his side against Pink's chest, "Candy."

"Candy?"

Green nodded, "Or something similar that is tasty and that Pink could carry around without it getting ruined or making a mess." He had honestly just blurted out the first thought in his head as he tried to get the conversation to a point that it could be over, but his brain helpfully expanded the idea, "I don't want to be compared to a baby, but I've seen where a baby or toddler would get hurt or have something they shouldn't have taken away from them and they start getting that red-faced meltdown look and then the parent or caretaker hands them a lollipop or something and the baby immediately calms down and focuses on the treat. I don't know for sure if it would work on me but I know I really like things that..." he trailed off and blushed as a thought occurred to him, "I was gonna say something about how I can't have Pink just whip out his dick whenever I need something tasty, but," Connie and Pink both got matching blushes, "if candy or whatever isn't nearby at the time," Green had captured Pink's hand, "I could settle for a tasty finger," and he demonstrated by putting Pink's thumb in his mouth and sucking on it. It was kind of soothing. But he took it out to add, "Mmm, strawberries... And if I'm feeling cranky enough that I might bite, I can't bite hard enough to actually injure you," and he put Pink's thumb back in his mouth and felt himself already sort of relaxing at the soothing comfort of just suckling it.

Pink and Connie shared a look and then both looked at Green again, "Well, you've already made a habit of fidgeting with my hands so this is really just an extension of that, I suppose."

Connie brightened, "And they have candy rings and things like that you could keep on hand as an alternative; especially if you possibly need use of both your hands."

It was agreed to run the ideas by Dr Hashman at the next day's appointment. Green refused to give Pink back his thumb until it was time to get ready for bed, and that was only with the promise of letting him suck on something else later. 

\--------

In the morning, Green woke up first. He'd insisted Pink and Connie get more dream time to make up for their deficit. By the time Pink woke up, Green had made a decision, "I want us to contact Yellow," Green told Pink. "I think talking to her face to face on the screen is a baby step and also to arrange for her to come visit tomorrow so that she can fit it in her schedule."

"If you are sure, we could do that now before we go down to breakfast." At Green's agreement, they went to the galaxy warp room and Pink handled the controls to call up Yellow's communicator unit. 

A very surprised, but in a good way, Yellow Diamond found herself face to face with Pink and Green. "It's wonderful to see your faces, Steven. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Pink looked to Green who, fortunately, was in one of his better moods where he almost couldn't remember why he might be nervous. Green smiled at Yellow, "I wanted to know if you would be available to come to earth tomorrow so we can talk a bit."

It was nice to see such a genuine smile on Yellow's usual resting bitch face, "I would be honored, Steven." They arranged for Yellow to visit at 9AM the next day... to limit how long Green would have to worry beforehand, time for a longer visit if things went well or time to calm down before bed if things went badly. 

\-------

Sitting on Pink's lap across from Dr Hashman, Green was already testing his idea by lightly chewing on Pink's pointer finger. He liked the slightly soft but mostly firm presence and it made him wonder if he would like one of those fake dog bones to gnaw on. The idea sounded soothing to him for some reason he couldn't explain.

"So, I'm told that our priority today is focusing on emotional regulation," the doctor began.

"Yes, and on that note, we had an idea to run by you," Pink tried and failed at retrieving his finger from Green. In fact, he'd swear he heard a light growl from him during the attempt, "We were wondering about Green's suggestion of candy or something else to distract him when he finds himself getting emotional." Pink then told the doctor about the prior day's conversation, including the toddler example.

"I'm assuming this is why Green appears to be gnawing on you?"

Pink grinned, "Yes. He also was mostly well behaved yesterday afternoon while sucking my thumb. It was kind of adorable, but I don't want to encourage him to regress himself into a toddler."

"#psshf#" Green made a noise before commenting, "As if I haven't already got the attention span of a toddler."

The doctor chose not to comment on that for the moment, "Do you feel like this has helped you?"

"It's surprisingly comforting to gnaw on something. But like comforting in general because I haven't really had anything to cope with yet, unless..." a thought occurred to Green, "...unless that's why I was so calm talking to Yellow this morning?"

The doctor raised an eyebrow, "You've talked to one of the Diamonds?"

"Not in person. Just via screen to arrange for Yellow to come visit tomorrow," Green said nonchalantly while continuing to randomly gnaw on various parts of Pink's hand, as though sampling the variety. 

The doctor looked at Pink, "Do you think, at any other time recently, that he would have handled that call so well?"

"Honestly, I was surprised and encouraged by the exchange, but am uncertain whether or not it can be correlated to his new fidgeting method," Pink replied. "He was holding my hand but not chewing on me or anything at the time."

"Maybe I should bite you to end any arguments..." Green commented, only half joking. 

"Do you find yourself wanting to hurt Pink?"

"I can only hurt Pink emotionally. I could never be strong enough to physically hurt him, but he could crush my skull in one hand if he ever wanted to."

"Do you think about that often?"

"Any time he uses his physical advantage to get his way," Green replied and then tried biting Pink's palm as hard as he could. 

"Ow!" Pink complained and yanked his hand back to inspect it, though there was no sign of the attack. 

"Were you trying to hurt Pink?"

"I already told you I can't hurt him."

"That may not have caused physical damage, but it did register as painful to my senses, so I would say it qualifies as hurting me."

Green didn't know what he was feeling exactly, but it worried him. He was horrified that he'd hurt Pink, not having consciously intended him harm, but part of him was... he didn't want to admit it to himself, but part of him was... happy? Pleased? Excited? 

Green absently noted that he could hear Pink calling his name. The small part that noticed was surprised at how far away Pink sounded. Had Pink run off to the other side of the room? How did Pink get so far away? He felt as though he was numb but also burning alive, the contradictory sensations inexplicably existing together. 

He... he couldn’t really want to hurt Pink, could he? He loved Pink. He'd die without Pink, both literally and figuratively. Even if not biologically necessary, his favorite place was as close to Pink as possible, so why... how... it felt like the numbing turned to an ice bath that merged with the burning sensation into a freezing burn that encompassed him entirely. 

Green noted distantly a squeezing around his arms and torso and that it matched intensity to the tone of the words whispering into his ear. He decided to try to focus on the words and see if he could hear them clearly enough to comprehend their intent.

"...a little, please? Any sign you hear me. Anything. Say something or try to steady your breath or even lean more into me. Please, Green. Please come back to me..."

Pink... it was Pink speaking. Pink is upset. I don’t want Pink upset... but... but I wanted to hurt Pink! I am bad for Pink! I shouldn't want to cause him pain. I am evil. I am-

"It's okay. Please, Green, I know you wouldn't really want me to hurt. You just were... were... doctor?... ... Green, you were probably just redirecting your own pain in a way that made sense to you, even if it wasn't a conscious decision." Green tried to focus on Pink's words to anchor himself, "Please trust me and trust Dr Hashman to help you, but you have to let us help you..." Green's eyes managed to focus on Pink's, "That's good. Now breathe with me, okay?" Green worked on syncing his intake and outtake of breath to Pink's exaggerated motions. Gradually, the burning sensation faded and other ambient sound and visual awareness returned to him.

Green blinked a few times to clear his eyes and retrieved one of his hands back from Pink to wipe his face. He accepted a tissue from Dr Hashman and blew his nose. He glanced between Pink and the doctor's faces, "I'm sorry," he mumbled, slumping tiredly against Pink.

Pink started petting Green's hair while the doctor spoke, "Green, what did you feel when Pink said you'd caused him pain?"

Tears were silently streaming down Green's face and he mumbled, "Bad and... guilty and..."

After a moment and Green didn't continue, the doctor prodded, "And?"

Pink could feel the fear and guilt spiking through Green as he finished in a whisper, "...and powerful..." though it was loud enough that the doctor was able to hear.

Dr Hashman thought for a few minutes before responding. During that time, Pink tried to soothe Green, but that just made Green's guilt grow. Green looked at Pink, "I hurt you and then I said it made me feel powerful, so why are you being so nice to me? Aren't you mad?"

Pink smiled at the teen on his lap, "I love you, Green. And I know how powerless you've felt throughout our past. I can't hold it against you the impulse to not feel that way. I'm not happy you hurt me, and I'm not happy that hurting me was what it took for you to feel less powerless, but I want you to know that you can even share things like that and feel safe."

A portal opening, followed by Connie on Lion, interrupted any further talking. "Why don't you answer your phone?!" She walked up to her men and scrutinized their faces.

Pink answered first, "It is considered proper etiquette to shut off phones for doctor appointments."

Connie sighed, still looking irritated, "Well, new rule: leave phone on any time something might happen to make me feel that something's going terribly wrong with one or both of you." She ran her hand up her forehead, brushing hair back, "Or in the very least, turn it back on as soon as anything emotionally intense occurs and at least text me to let me know if you're okay."

"Sorry, Connie," was all Green could bring himself to say. Pink promised to follow her wishes going forward. Connie apologized to the doctor for the interruption and hastily left on Lion so as not to use up any more of their appointment time. 

The doctor took a breath, "Well, that is something that doesn't happen with any of my other patients," and he chuckled a bit. Then, looking at the chastised couple, "We'll add helping Green feel self-empowered to our to-do list, but for today I want to make sure we go over a few emotional regulation tactics so that you'll have several days to practice them. Are you both agreeable to that?" Upon their positive response, he went over a few things as well as giving them some resources to reference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that I could post something before the end of time, the actual advice and information will be going in the next chapter.


End file.
